Fed up, angry, sad, upset, confused?????

Public Archive
1

Tonight I am so angry! Its just so bloody unfair, can I swear in silence! My mum has ****** cancer, and might have to loose her breast and then all the other horrible atrocities that go with it! She also due to another medical problems is loosing her hearing rapidly, to the point she will be totally deaf soon, and there is nothing that can be done about it. (she is also worrying that some of the chemo drugs apparantely can damage hearing) My daughter is so ill with her depression AND I have to have surgery next week to find out if I have cancer too! tonight I am feeling pretty angry to be honest.

Why oh why has my family been dealt all this crap. I went to see the mental health team for my assesment today, surprisingly I am not nuts, but normal, whatever that means. They said I was coping well, and most families find dealing with one of the above hard enough but all three is dreadful, so tonight I feel pretty angry to be honest. I read a few posts on here ealier, even though I shouldn’t about people who have had surgery and had the same as me “ABNORMAL CELLS” whatever that means! and ended up having cancer, i am so so so angry tonight.

Sorry to rant, actually no I am not sorry at all lol I need to rant as Im so angry and upset about the whole thing. My mum said that when we are all together it is so surreal as we are being so calm and normal together, but inside we are all fighting our own horrible battles. No bloody wonder I don’t believe in god!

2

Those feelings are perfectly understandable given your situation. I thought you said your mother was doing better and you were gonna stop going on the internet? I think you need to keep coming on the internet for support and not for research. This coming from someone who does the exact same thing. I know it is wrong, but I keep looking on the internet researching my symptoms and finding the worst case scenario. My wife gets mad, but I joke with her telling her I am looking for a “cure” :slight_smile: That is a load of shit though. I am scared and I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this stuff.

I am going through so family medical things too. Step father is having heart problems third time already had two bypasses and grand father is in bad health (due to old age). I feel sorry for my mother because they both live with her and they are both getting sick. I am also scared that I am getting sick with something. So basically all the men in her life are ill. She drinks alot and whatever I love her.

I am supposed to be getting my life together right now not worrying that I might have debilitating and potentially life threatening diseases. I have beautiful loving wife that is there for me. We make jokes about the whole situation and she keeps telling me there is nothing wrong with me. That is another one of my fears the love we have the plans we have made. I feel like if I am sick its almost like i lied to her about our future. Don’t get me wrong I am scared for myself but also for the people I love.

I am obsessed with the internet and my “researching” has evolved into a more efficient procedure.

  • I get online and check this website to check on some people mainly you

  • I head over to the gynecomastia support group website search for things there

  • search symptoms on google

  • search different cancers on google look at symptoms

  • jump over to google images…

  • oh yeah check my email

This year was the craziest year of my life. My wife was pregnant and we had a miscarriage. Then a couple of months later I caught some guys breaking into our cars and they beat me ( my back has not felt the same since), then I found a lump under my left nipple thought it was cancer after first opinnion but after second opinnion think it is much less likely, diagnosed with gynecomastia (benign enlargment of male breast), and now after all of that I am awaiting the results of a blood test to check my hormones. The doctor said it could be caused by me being overweight or because I use marijuana, but he wants to be safe and make sure there is no other reason it is happening. What did I do? I went on the internet now I have found out that about 75% of the cases are either unknown causes or induced by drugs or being overweight. There is about a 25% chance there is a more sinister underlying condition. Testicular cancer, pituatary tumor, adrenal tumor, chiriosis, hypogonadism, hyperthyroidism…On top of that I also have this small thought in the back of my head that maybe the second opinion was wrong. He didn’t do a biopsy. He just said it didn’t look like cancer. He is going to take it out, but he wants to check my hormones first. If there is another cause it needs to be treated first.

Why me?

What did I do to deserve this?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I admit to not always making the healthiest choice available, but I have never hurt anyone and general am a very good person. All I can really do is just hope for the best I guess. It just kind of sucks to not really have any control over somethings. I would think that is one of the hardest parts of dealing with disease just letting go realizing you have no control and dealing.

I would suggest doing something you really enjoy, a drink, some sex (really helps frustration) anything to try and get your mind off of everything. Just a suggestion maybe out of place trying to help.

Jules I wish you the best.

Jon

3

Hi jules

I had abnormal cells and i havent got breast cancer :o) xxx

yvonne xx

4

Thanks Guys.

Jonnoj, sorry to hear that you are having such a rough ride too.

Regarding the internet, I have stopped researching it, stopped over a week ago as realised it wasn’t doing me any good. I have had a busy week and hubby and I have been out everyday in the sunshine. It was just last night I started to feel so angry.

My mum is in limbo, yes her tumour has shrunk abit more, but after speaking to her properly face to face over the weekend, she told me alot more. There is quite a good chance of a full mastectomy, she has also been told that she will have quite a problem with lyphodema after the operation. We still don’t know if it has spread as the scan for the nodes etc is not until next month. The whole thing is a mess.

Evie, I hope that I am the same as you, but the breast cancer nurse at the hospital rang me for a chat after my doctor got in contact with her, and she told me in all honesty they are getting the lump out to make sure its not cancer, as they will not know for sure until it has come out and been looked at, so I am in limbo, having to go through all the awful waiting which is intolerable.

So no at the moment I have not been dx with cancer, but I am back at the same stage of having a lump and them not knowing if it is cancer, but I feel more worried than I did at the start because I hoped the imaging and histolgy would rule it out, like alot of the ladies who went to the breast clinic the same time as me who were told they were all clear.

Even my hubby who is mr positive himself about everything, admitted to me that if he was me he would be terrified!

J xx

5

I am feeling really vulnerable at the moment. When people come on here and are worried that they have a lump everyone seems to understand and say we understand how you are feeling, its the waiting etc. I guess there are probably people on here who think I should not be on here,but I am in the same position as them, infact I am further down the line as the other tests have not given the doctors a reliable answer.

I am really petrafied. Someone told me on here I should be glad I do not have cancer. How do they know I do not have cancer when the doctors don’t know. I am so fed up with all of this, but when I do find out I don’t have Cancer, I will be celebrating!!!

Sorry to moan but I am in a really bad place.

6

Hi Jules,
Sorry that you are feeling in Limbo at the moment.
Its really horrible when you don’t know isn’t it?
I kept turning over and over in my mind what the consultant had said about my lump which was ‘suspicious’ from the start but what did suspicious mean? and then biopsies came back as probable malignant cancer but was probable - possible or definite. Unfortunately it was the latter and I had a mastectomy 10 days before Christmas.
However it is that time of not knowing which is the worse part and at least when you know you can begin to plan a little ahead as you begin to know what you are dealing with.
You have an aweful lot on your plate at the moment Jules, so take it as easy as you can.
let us know when you are due to have the lump removed and of course the reults.
magsi x

7

Thanks Magsi for your kind words. My surgery is scheduled for 23rd May and the wire is being put in my breast on Thursday 22nd to mark the spot. It is only a week and a half away, but the waiting is agony and seems like eternity!

I am trying to keep busy. Hubby and I have been out and about lots in the country and at the coast. We had a fabulous day at Hever Castle on Sunday and then yesterday we were down at Goring/Ferring again.

The waiting is sheer hell, I just want to find out one way or another so I can get on with my life!

xxx

8

Your post takes me back to last November - lots of weekend Autunal Walks in Epping Forest trying not to think about the following Wednesday - had results on November 7th, 14th, Dec 5th, then Jan 9th -and the dates are still etched in my mind.
They were all Wednesdays, I came to hate the day.
The only thing is I work part time Mon-Wed so at least I was busy on that day and only left work an hour before the appointment which was always late afternoon.
It sounds as though you are visiting some lovely places, make the most of the sunshine I think there are only a couple of days left before the weather changes.
I’ll stick your date on a post-it on the kitchen wall to remind me.

magsi x

9

Aww thanks for doing that Magsi, thats really nice of you. From your post you obviously enjoy the outdoor life and walking like me. We went to Sissinghurst on Friday afternoon and its was absolutely beautiful. Right in the middle of the Garden of England countryside. It reminds me of “The Darling Buds of May”. On Saturday we spent the day at Greenwich Park and sat by the Thames drinking wine! Sunday we went to Hever Castle and then the coast yesterday. I have not done much today so I guess that is why I am feeling a bit low. A friend is cooking me dinner tonight so that will make for a nice evening.

I meant to say I went right in the sea yesterday in my bikini!!! The sea was surprisingly warm.

I feel like I want to scream at the top off my voice, not practical I know but thats how I feel. This waiting is just horrible!!!

J xxxxx

10

Hi Jules

They took my lump out to see if mine was cancer too. I was actually told by the radiologist who was very experienced that she thought that it was 80% positive for cancer. Im not saying she was wrong because the abnormal cells were there but when I went back for results everything was gone and the margins were clear. Hopefully you will get the same results.

Yvonne xx

11

Yvonne, did she say that before they did the biopsy in the first place, was that from just looking at it on the scan?

xx

12

That was from looking at it on the scan. Apparently she had been doing her job for about 20 years and was almost sure. What I am trying to say is that even if it is abnormal cells if they clear it all you should be ok. I will have my fingers soooo crossed for you.

Yvonne xx

13

Thanks Yvonne, as you will know only too well its such a scary time isn’t it. I just want to scream at the sheer frustration of it all!

xx

14

Yes it is scarey, especially as I didnt even have a lump in the area, they found mine by chance after checking the other breast for fatty deposits. I truely hope you will be ok and look back like me and go ‘phew’. I have to have yearly mammos now and am being checked out for something else but I am much calmer this time. I had personal stuff going on at the time and both things hit me like a ton of bricks. But we get through dont we!!

((((((hugs)))))))

Yvonne xx

15

Its weird Yvonne, I seem to have very positive periods, and then negative periods. The negative so far are much shorter than the positive ones! I am finding the helpline a fantastic help. When I feel wobbly they seem to help put me back on track again. I had a wobble the last couple of days after a good period. They are so honest and say that there is a chance I am going to be dx with breast cancer, but they also seem to help me put it all into perspective. It is one week and one day till my operation. I can’t wait to get it over with, but I am starting to feel terrified about how I will cope when going to get my results afterwards. The thought of that fills me with sheer terror.

16

Hi Hun

Its nice to have the helpline to help us isnt it. You will have good days and bad days as you know but you will get through it (I think you know that too) dont forget we are all here for you and I know its not much help but try to think of it as every hour that goes by is one nearer to you getting sorted out. It will come, its hard to be patient, we all know that.

Yvonne xx

17

Yes, the waiting is by far the worse bit! I find some peoples attitudes quite arrogant “you will be fine” etc. I am like excuse me the doctors do not know that I will be fine, so not quite sure where you are getting your information from!!! It’s ok for people to say it will PROBABLY be ok. But when people assume it will really get my goat up! It the attitude of when a child falls over, and you rub it’s knee better and say there you go all better you will be fine, it’s that kind of attitude that drives me mad.

xx

18

I know it’s frustrating Jules, but try not to take it too personally when people say that, I think it’s really just a kindness thing, they’re saying it to be reassuring not patronising, although it makes you feel like screaming sometimes!! Oh, so I’ll be ok then, good good!

It is very difficult though when you’re constantly going between “I know it’s probably nothing” and “but what if it’s not nothing”, I feel in total limbo at the moment, even though my rational mind has “90 percent of breast lumps are benign” on a permanent loop, my non-rational mind (which seems to have a far louder voice!) keeps throwing the worries back in.

I’m finding I’m having trouble concentrating a bit this week, and haven’t got much patience, which makes me feel very guilty! I also feel bad for focussing on it too much, because as it’s stands there’s nothing wrong with me and there probably wont be, so i shouldn’t be feeling so sorry for myself but I think it’s the uncertainty that I’m finding difficult. I even put off buying hair dye today, how ridiculously jumping the gun is that! Must think more positively!! I think the thing is I can deal with information, but not lack of it.

RIGHT I’m off to busy myself, this may be the first time I was content to bring work home with me!! :slight_smile:

19

Thanks Bex, I know exactly how you feel as we are both going through the same thing. I found myself checking my insurance policy today regarding the holidays I have booked so far this year. Everyone keeps saying, I bet your looking forward to Turkey, which is in five weeks time and I think “well no actually, not at this moment in time as will I have been dx with bc by then and won’t be able to go”!!

I have just asked my sister if she will come to my appointment to get my results with me and hubby. I know together they will give me lots of support, and I know if there is one appointment I am going to need support, it will be that one!! Hubby is convinced that things will be ok, which is good in some ways, but I do worry if it is bad news that he will be in denial. Thats why I want my sister there, as she will know what to ask etc. She has been fantastic when it has come to going to appointments at the Marsden regarding my mums breast cancer.

How long until you find out for sure one way or other?

xxx

20

I’m at the Linda McCartney Centre in Liverpool on Friday and have been told that wherever possible I should get the results on the day, but my appointment is in the afternoon so I’m preparing myself just in case I have to wait, you know how these things can be delayed…hopefully will know by Friday & will be having a glass or so of wine to celebrate on Friday night.

My brother is a 5th year med student and he had a chat with me about it last night, he doesn’t seem to think they’ll do an FNA on me, but that I will probably have an exam, mammogram and utrasound, although they may not mammogram me because of my age. In two minds really because I don’t very much like the idea of the giant boob needle (!) but I also want to know for sure that it’s all clear. I just hope I don’t come up against anyone dismissive, as I’m really hoping to have my mind put at ease. I’m supposed to be singing in a show on Saturday too, so if it’s giant boob needle (admittedly I may have let my imagination run wild here) I’m going to try to stick to slow songs, so there’s no dancing! :frowning:

Yep know what you mean, it’s a bit as though you don’t want to make plans isn’t it, how awful!! I’m very frustrated with myself as I was actually ok about it when I left the doctors last tuesday, but since then it’s been getting to me more and more, the “what ifs”. I do wish I was less of a hypochondriac sometimes. I do feel very guilty for feeling so sorry for myself when there are so many women going through such a lot and so much worse than me, but I really appreciate that noone on here has made me feel like that, thanks guys!

How are you feeling now, are you feeling any calmer? It’s bad enough when you’ve just got one thing going on, but you sounds like you’re in the wars at the moment. It must be very hard having to worry about other people as well at this time. I hope you can manage to find a bit of peace & time for yourself, and not knock anyone out for saying “you’ll be fine”, ha ha!! Have you tried going for a massage or a facial, something like that? I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression in the past (the free-floating, no reason behind it, very annoying kind…) and I found that if I was feeling very low that something like that was really comforting, just a bit of pampering and spoiling myself (although I did cry the first time I had a massage, which was very embarrassing!!) because it was time when I wasn’t able to fret and worry and rush around and I had no choice but to relax. Also I think just the psychology of “I am going to spend half an hour on something that is pure indulgence because I deserve it” was very nice too. I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but it really works for me.

When will you know your results after the surgery? Will be thinking of you on the 23rd xx