Feel the need for a right good old moan!

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Hi All - It’s been a while since I’ve been on because theres been so much going on at home I’ve not had time to put energy into coming on here.

Just feel like I need another moan. So, now I’m past treatment and into Tamoxifen, I’m feeling frustrated as hell.
I’ve just about got my SEs from Tamoxifen under control, I think.
Not waking up in a furnace, changed times I take pills and so far this seems to be working.

But what I do still have is stiff joints and I feel wiped all the time, I’ve had probs sleeping and wake up all the time in the night.

My anxiety is very very high right now, I am bored to the back teeth of being at home all day on my own with too much time to think. But I’m too shattered to work or find a job.
I’m terrified of whether I’ll be able to find a job, how I tackle it on my CV, and if I get a job, how I’m going to fare. I’m not anywhere near as sharp as I was before treatment, I struggle to find words for things when I’m speaking, I can’t spell like I could, my short term memory is not as good as it was and I just don’t feel like I’m back just yet.

I’m worried like mad about benefits too, I’m on contrib based ESA support element, so £90 a week. I don’t really know for sure how long this will last, if I’ll be forced to go into full time work due to finances when I’m not ready or able but we’ll have no choice as we don’t be able to survive.

I’m spending far too much of my day feeling very anxious.

As some of you may remember, my stepdaughter came to live with us at the end of September, we applied for tax credits for her at the start of November and not got anything through yet, still waiting for the call. Really struggling with it, work on the attic conversion we were doing has got very very hard now after months of it and money is very very tight indeed, we’re totally juggling like amateurs. I wouldn’t mind but we don’t have a lavish lifestyle or anything at all. We’ve been sleeping in our living room since 19th September.

I feel like on a selfish note I deserve to come out of all of this with things on top form and have everything handed to me on a plate - because having cancer and “surviving” is meant to make you raring to go and appreciate of life. And it has, trouble is, my finances do not allow me to go and do what I want with renewed vigour and now I’m thinking I may not have all the time in the world to do what I want to do before I die. Does that sound really depressive??? I’m not ungrateful for having survived this, I could have a recurrence of course. I’d “accept” I may not have another 30 years in me and I’d be more than happy to go off travelling, have holidays etc, but I can’t afford to and I may not have loads of time.

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Also, to add to this, I feel quite shocked at how I’ve had to face my own mortality at 34 and what this actually DOES mentally. I seem more upset now than when I had treatment to focus on etc.

It’s another No-Mans Land is this recovery period, no idea when it’ll all stop if at all and it’s scary. I am fed up of feeling so wasted. I’m doing all the domestics at home and looking after my SD whilst my OH works on our attic in the evenings and weekends. I find this utterly draining, I wouldnt have done before all of this.

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I’m so sorry El Kat - don’t blame you for having a good moan, it helps to write it down doesn’t it?

I too have been astonished at just how draining the whole treatment business is. I’ve not had anything like as much treatment as you, just WLE and endless chemo, but find it difficult to focus on anything and spend my time hoping that there won’t be anything to do requiring effort or thought.
Big change from the efficient administrator I was 9 months ago. I’m managing to work part time, with a few breaks for sick leave when the SEs get too bad. Due to go back to full time after mx in January but I’m terrified. Don’t know how I will cope with full days.

Also do you find that you keep dissolving into tears at inappropriate moments? I can’t seem to stop myself crying and I have nothing to cry about really. Must be a lot worse for you, you are facing so much. I suppose that you have to remember that you are still very run down although the treatment has finished. And I guess the tamoxifen treatments must be taking it out of you also.

Can you manage to cut yourself some slack and ‘allow’ the anxiety to ride? Difficult to explain, but giving yourself permission to make no decisions, accept living with uncertainty, one day at a time? I went through a stage in my life a few years ago when I sort of did this and it helped.

But this is probably quite useless. Just want to support you really, as all the others on here will do also I’m sure. ((Hugs))

Lin

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El Kat and Linstar I totally agree. I have found tamoxifen an ageing exerience. I work part time now. I really couldn’t physically do full time any more. I can’t organise my thoughts and have to be in bed with my aching limbs by 9pm.

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I haven’t had any tamoxifen or its near relations being triple negative, and I haven’t had rads, but I have had chemo, completed in January and I am only now feeling the brain returning. Most of my contemporaries laugh about having CRAFT moments but a CRAFT life was getting tedious. There will come a time when it recedes and it seems to vary a lot as to when.
I wish life was fairer to you, El Kat, you deserve it for being the steady one in the life of your SD, even while you are feeling so rubbish. Come in here and moan whenever you feel the need.

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linstar - not dissolving into tears, I did when I had a mental meltdown a few weeks ago and posted on here. Right now I feel weepy a lot but it’s not actually coming out. I think it’s just sheer tiredness and also feeling very anxious about whats happening with child benefit/child tax credits, finances very very hard now. Mother has been spending it all, she’s had a spa day this last sat afternoon and left SD on her own, she’s been going out all the time, eating out, having fun. And she has this huge sense of entitlement despite that her daughter is now living with us?! She STILL thinks we’re loaded. we’re in £30k of debt, have a mortgage to pay, OH on £15k, my benefits. We’re not loaded. Silly moo, it makes me so angry. She even TELLS my OH what she’s doing… we NEVER rubbed anything in her face when she was skint. She’s still drinking.
She has the CHEEK to tell my SD that we only want her now we can’t have kids of our own (OUCH, For gods sake) and we only want her for the money. SD said she felt like hitting her Mum because it was such a mean thing to say.
PHEW - anyway, we’ll ALWAYS have probs with mother it seems.

I just feel very anxious in general and also hurt by life. Not surprising. I’m going to wait until the attic is done in the next few weeks, then I’m going to talk to my OH that I NEED to step back myself for a bit as I’m just so wiped. I was doing the one day at a time but that’s harder with kids around and strapped finances. Once we know whats going on with tax credits and the attic is done then I think I’ll be in a better place. I *hope* :wink:

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What’s a CRAFT moment? Am I missing something? All I can come up with remotely similar is “Chemo, Rads And F’infg Tamoxifen” Is that it??!?!

EK, sorry you are feeling rubbish, sadly I think we have to go through it to adjust to the new aftr treat,net lief, but it still sucks. I was 36 at dx and feel totally out of step with most of my friends who, despite what they say and might think, really do not know what’s it’s like to. Stare down their mortality and have to deal with it looming over their shoulder day in, day out. It does get better with time though, hang on in there. X

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Thanks Tors. It’s difficult isn’t it. Most of our contemporaries haven’t had to deal with other people our age having these things going on. It’s a learning curve for everyone.
You can only get it when you’ve had it.
Exhausting.

xxxxx

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Hi Kat

Can’t say much, but sending huge hugs.

Tors - CRAFT = Can’t Remember A Flipping (or other F word) Thing!
Often means you have to RTFM!
Dx

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Actually I will say a bit more.

I agree with Tors - hang on in there it does gradually get better. I know that I was a bit ahead of you with my chemo and that I didn’t suffer as many/severe SEs as you, but by the time I’d finished 5 weeks of rads mid Sept I was shattered.

I’m quite a get-up-and-go sort of person and I hated the feeling of not being able to do everything I wanted as quickly as I wanted, plus the fuzzy brain.

Again, I’ve been lucky and compared to many I’ve recovered quite quickly. I still get tired and have ‘bad’ days and I’m not quite as sharp as I was yet - but I am back at work full-time.

I only have me to worry about and don’t have the same domestic burden as you and so I’m sure that’s helped. I’m sure that if you thought about what you actually do most days, you’ll realise that you’re probably doing the equivalent of a full-time job - mentally and physically.

Dx

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Hi ElKat, so sorry you’re going through the wringer with everything. I wish I could offer some fabulous words of wisdom, but all I can send you is some massive cyber ((hugs)) and sincere wishes for the break you deserve, Simone xxx

With regards to your CV, you need only write the words - Career Break, and if your potential employer asks why you took a career break, you need only say that it was for personal reasons.

From the 6th April this year it is now in contravention with Equality and Employment Legislation to ask any health related questions prior to a conditional offer of a job. If a potential employer then withdraws that offer, action can be taken against them at a tribunal for discrimination under the protected characteristic of disability within the Equality Act 2010. Hope that’s one thing less for you to worry about. xx

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Hi Simone - Thanks :slight_smile:

It’s not so much them ASKING as me not telling the truth about it because on a CV I have a huge gap and people are going to want to know why, now by saying “Personal reasons” that would send alarm bells to me as an employer, because you’re trying to get a feel for someone and how they are under stress, pressure etc.

I’d rather say I had cancer, it’s been “cured” and I’m ready to go. My BCN reckons people would accept you saying “cured” on interview as most people (as we all damn well know) think you are after primary has been treated.

I just don’t know how to tackle this on a CV :confused: perhaps on a covering letter. Urgh it’s tough because any rejection is going to make me paranoid i’m not tackling it right. It’s not easy to get a job anymore if you’re fit and healthy!

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Ps. I think it’s safe to say I over analyse :wink: I’m just not one of those people that doesn’t think through every eventuality unfortunately, this has its positives and negatives!

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Sorry ElKat, I should have elaborated. Nothing wrong with then explaining personal reasons, can even state “personal reasons which can be explained should application progress”.

Looking at it from an employers perspective, I don’t want to read a cv that explains everything from the off. Try to keep in mind, an employer is wanting the right person with the right skills. I know when I have run any recruiment sessions that is what I’m looking for, not how I can pick holes in somebody’s personal life, where there are numerous reasons for having a career break e.g travelling, maternity, ill health etc, all of which can be perfectly explained in interview stages should you wish. However I work for a very large organisation and so am very aware of employment law, smaller organisations may not be as up to speed of their responsibilities, however Tribunals do not accept ignorance as an excuse.

Often it is all in the way we sell ourselves, and sadly I think your BCN has a point about “cured” being something maybe a potential employer who had no experience of dealing with this perfectly acceptable!! I think your best bet is the old cliche, cross that bridge when you come to it!! And as you said it first I’m going to agree with you on over analysis!!! lol! Fingers crossed for you, and if I can be of any further help, please give me a shout, Simone xxx

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Hi Elkat,

I’m not techno minded enough to post a link, but if you google Peter Harvey, After the Treatment Finishes - Then What? you will find an article which I found very helpful, helping to explain why we don’t feel all happy and bouncy once the treatment is complete.

Hope it helps,

Take care,
J x

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Here’s the link if it works:

cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/FILE/article3.pdf?openElement

I also found this article useful

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Hi,

Great link, really makes you think and realise you are not alone on the rollercoaster with your emotions and feelings.

“You accommodate and assimilate it
into your self, not come to terms with it.”

I think the above statement is particularly “real”. xx

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Just wanted to say thanks so much for the link, reading that sparked a big crying session and I’ve since felt much better.
I’ve also shared a bit of how I feel with my OH.
xxx

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So glad you are feeling better,

Very best wishes,
J x