Six months on from finishing taxotere, 5 months since mx and full clearance, and 3 months from finishing radiotherapy I have now been told I’m depressed. I just can’t cope with the tiredness I have all the time, yet sleep is hard to get, pain is always there and I can’t shift the “taxotere” weight, so I just feel like a giant marshmallow man! I’m breathless when I try to do anything physical so that makes activity quite hard too.
My GP is a lovely, kind understanding lady and says its quite normal to feel like this, the treatment is tough but is a necessary evil.
I’ve been given a course of AD along with some sleeping pills, but because of the pains I have been having in my shoulders I am also going to be having a load of blood tests, not sure what they’re all for but I think they’re ruling out problems with thyroid, anaemia.
How many of us get ourselves through the worst bit, then fall down with a bang when we should be picking up again, or is it just me?
Hi Peacock,
so sorry you are feeling low…I am now on Tamoxifen after having had double surgery then chemo…the psychological side of things is proving tricky now though!
I have been on sleeping pills for a couple of weeks but my Doc won’t give me any more so waiting to see what the next few days will bring.
I think that quite a lot of us go “flat” after all the “excitment” of treatment is over.
It completely consumes your life for a year or so then all of a sudden, no one wants to know…no-one rings to check up on you and and you have no app’ts at the hospital and you wonder what has happened to you…you don’t even look weird any more!
I am lucky, I have started to get some energy back (finished chemo in Dec)and went for a 4 mile walk on Sunday…the first in 3 years.
So don’t loose hope, it will come round to you again. It is difficult being patient when you have been waiting so long to feel better. But give yourself as long as you need to recover and don’t beat yourself up about it.
Best of luck…enjoy the sun when you can…
Gillian
Carole {{{hugs}}} we’ve had a lot of treatment the last year - and i think one of the differences with IBC is the increased worry that it could come back…
Lack of sleep is well known for making people depressed and it is not suprising that you feel so low considering you don’t know what is causing all the problems with your shoulders
Please don’t be hard on yourself {{{hugs}}} it is good that your doctor is being so supportive.
Theresa x
Hi Peacock, So sorry to hear you’re in the pits! After what we’ve been through it can hit us at any time! I’ve sailed through a poor dx and family disasters that would floor anyone,but five years down the line and the depressions hit me! My sleep had gone haywire,I was tired all the time.I’d been plodding along as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’ve taken time off, pulled the plug on anything that was putting a drain on me and gone off to stay with my son in the west of Ireland.It hasn’t been a miraculous recovery but after a month my sleep has come back and there’s a spring in my step again.The tiredness is not as bad as it was and after a pint of guinness I can forget all about it. I wish I could tell you what will work for you…like Gillian I enjoy walking, I find it helps lift my mood and gets me motivated,also keeps the weight off! Your old self will come back - it’s just a case of finding where it’s hiding underneath all the s**t of what you’ve been through…
Good luck Josie x
Hi Peacock,
We used to chat last year when we were going through it. I know what you mean, I had my blip about Dec, (I finished RADS in July, I had a phased return to work in July/Sept) I started to get anxious about Dec when I came up to my anniversary of DX, was very depressed on New Year’s Eve which was the anniversary of my operation. I then had a rush of fatigue hit me was falling asleep at work, so had my hours reduced, went to see my GP with a list of ailments, they would not help me with my weight gain, until “I am emotionally secure”.
I kept burting into tears, and yes was told I was depressed, got offered counselling which I refused twice, but I have since taken up also got offered anti depressants which I refused 3 times, I have since started them, have been on them now for 3 weeks. I find they help me sleep and I am not as anxious as I was. I have rested more and slept more, but have started swimming again. I have not tackled the weight gain and I do feel depressed about that. I was talking to my ONC and she said depression is very common after treatment has finished, it’s a wake up call as you actually stop and think what you have been through and what people have done to you, I think you deal with the physical side but not the emotional side. No Peacock you are not alone in this, I am just re-living my firsts all the time. Like Gillian said once the treatment finishes so quite often does the support from friends and family. There is a very good article by Peter Harvey a DR called after the treatment finishes it is worth reading.
I hope you feel a little better soon. I also had an under active thyroid in Sept post treatment.
Sarah X
Hi Peacock,
I feel very similar to you. I’ve just come to the end of 2 ops, chemo for 5 months and rads for a month and I feel exhausted, very flat and completely unable to sleep. I’m not even lying there worrying. I think as others have said that treatment is all encompassing and now we don’t have that to focus on, we start to deal with the emotional side. I do hope that you pick up soon x.
Thank you all for your comments, it does help to know I am not alone with this current battle. Of course I am still having treatment until August with Herceptin, so I do wonder if that has anything to do with the way I feel, as pain, weight gain, brittle nails all seem to be common from reading the forums.
I get a bit cross when I get a phone call from someone who says “how are you” and they think that because all the nasty chemo is done with, the op & rads are finished that you should be full of life and bursting into song! I wish I was.
I like to go walking, but at the moment after 10 minutes I am breathless and so tired. I try to make myself do at least 30 mins as often as I can, especially now the spring weather is here.
The nurse came to do my bloods this morning, 9 vials of the stuff was taken so at least they’re checking lots of things including tumour markers again.
Sarah, yes I remember we’ve had discussions. One of the blood tests was for thyroid problems. How are you doing now do you have to take medication for this every day? Can being on chemo create thyroid problems?
Yes Theresa, you are right, I just can’t stop myself from thinking when will it all start up again - stupid, I don’t want to but I can’t help it.
The anti deps are making me feel really nauseaus so it feels like being back on chemo - Paroxetine - has anyone had these?
I can’t even wear a bra comfortably still, 5 months post mx, because I’m left with what looks like a lump of fatty skin just below my armpit and is still so sore.
Roll on normality to us all
Carole x
peacock, you could be describing my own feelings ! We have been through so much and then to top it all depression strikes us. I have suffered depression most of my life but after all the bc stuff it has come back with a vengence. i have been on paroxatine before. You need to give it two weeks before you feel it is not working or that the side effects are too much. Unfortunately, this class of ad’s can make you feel nauseous. i am on citalopram (similar to paroxatine) but I find i have very few side effects. It is very hard at the start of ad treatment as it takes a while for the drugs to work. You may even feel worse at the beginning of treatment but hang on in there !Despite my history of depression,I was fine before the BC stuff and had been stable for about 4 years on my tablets.I can really empathise with the weight issue. prior to bc i was a slim size 12 and am now a 16. this does not help the self esteem.
others who do not have not been through bc do not understand and i have had the ‘you must be fine now as treatment is finished’. sometimes i feel afterwards is the start of another battle- living with bc, its sideeffects etc and the mental scars. The threat of recurrence is a constant fear, i agree. Some days i can put it away from the front of my mind and then something small will start the worry back up again. Take care peacock.
rachy
Peacock, Do keep the walking up - I have found it a real help. I started off with ten minutes a day and now the three mile walk to town isn’t a challenge. No matter what the weathers like I try to get out there.Josie x
peacock, After what you have been through, it is bound to take as much time as you need to regain your health. I think you need to be kind to yourself, pamper yourself too and don’t keep saying… I should be… we are all different and you have to find out what is best for you. Your weight will come off when you are ready, so don’t beat yourself up about that too!! I think as women we are so good at looking after everyone else but ourselves. Cancer is a wake up call to nurture ourselves and do what ever it takes to regain health, self confidence and joy
Sending warm vibes
Leadie xx
Hi Peacock,
so sorry you are struggling at the mo. I have missed your posts and wondered how you are. I really hope they get to the bottom of your shoulder pain soon. Just trying to cope with constant pain saps energy and after ‘everything’ its no wonder you need some help. Ad’s can make a lot of difference, I was on prozac for a few years and they certainly helped after the first 3 weeks. Re weight, I am frustrated with myself too, put on nearly 2 stone and dont seem to be able to find the self discipline to stop picking extras. I walk Lottie for an hour a day now and am trying to knock a minute off each time I do the same walk. I can get out of breathe quite quickly (asthma) so little and often exercise is best.
Hope your Ad’s soon start to kick in and sleeping pills help to give you some much needed rest. Good luck with blood tests, will be thinking of you, please keep us posted
Chris x
Hi Peacock,
it was so kind of you to send me a message, when you were low yourself, thank you. I just don’t seem to notice so many posts on the new forum or I would have responded straight away. Mine was a weeny blip probably because I fell over at work on the stairs and then had a horrible day with loads of extra work chucked at me.
Yours sounds much less trivial. How is the house going or is it still on hold for the final finishings? I guess your plants and lovely veg must be making an appearance by now. I am hoping this will pass soon but hope that you can do little things like watching the garden bloom to cheer you up. I am still putting on weight and hate it, still there are worse things as we all know too well. Hope the tests find something that can be easily resolved and improve your shoulder and pains.
Hi Dipstick, poor old Lottie, I guess you put her on double speed round the park lol. I have no discipline I seem to have become magnetic to cakes and chocolate!!!LOL. After so many recent sad posts again I think we should be kinder to ourselves and recognise how much of a battering we have taken recently. Hugs to everyone reading.
Love Marshmallow Lily too x x
It’s definitely worth persevering with the ADs but they might not find the right one first time. I had to come off mine to have the anaesthetics and then with evrything else, that wasn’t dealt with and I felt ok. But half way through chemo I relapsed and had a nightmare month. If the Paroxetine doesn’t work - I was unable to tolerate it or other SSRIs and am on an older one but a lower dose than pre-op which is good - there are lots of others they can try. I hope you all begin to feel brighter and less tired soon. I’m also trying to lose the chemo weight with some success…but it’s HARD!
Love,Maggie.
Hello Carole I’m so sorry you have depression after all your bc troubles. I’ve written elsewhere about the severe clinical depression that my sister suffered from almost a year after she had mastectomy, then chemo etc etc. When I spoke on th phone I could tell she was falling into severe clinical depression. Unlike you she got no help from hher GP or anyone as I kept urging her and her husband and children to get urgent help. Eventually her husband had to dial 999 over the NY holiday. I had to raise a smile much later when he said he had asked for the police as he knew he didn’t need the fire brigade! It was the police - not anyone in the NHS who organised help and my sister is only now getting home after spending 4 months in a psychiatric ward.
Carole thank goodness you have a good GP who can help you. As you know when you’re really depressed it isn’t always possible to ‘buck up’ and that’s why it’s so important to share your troubles and to get on to an anti-depressant that works when things get out of hand. The correct AD can work wonders [and my sister is now on one that has been used for many years!] Looking on the web to try to help my sister [I’m a retired nurse teacher by the way] I came across an NHS programme that is available called Beating the Blues. My sister was too ill to use it but it helps patients to look for small positive events day by day. Like you my sister’s depression co-incided with the start of herceptin. But depression when all the sugery, chemo etc is over is not uncommon - and not everyone appreciates that. What’s good about this site is that you can get advice from others in the same boat, and you don’t have to worry about their feeling as you do with friends and acquaintances who don’t always understand that painful symptoms carry on. eg when I was nursing I had no idea that axillary clearance and the accompanying oedema was so painful, in fact in many respects I was totally ignorant about the true suffering of bc patients because treatment is and was compartmentalised.
As for the painful ‘lump’ under your arm that could well be from the excision of lymph nodes and fluid collecting. After my lumpectomy I used to bind myself tight with big crepe bandages but now I wear a type of cheap stretchy sports bra at night, that’s regularly advertised in weekend newspapers- I got 2 for £18. They stretch and are so comfortable and even after your mx - maybe with the padded insert could help you. As for the shoulder pain that too bothers me. It’s on my good side and I don’t lie on it - or on my painful hip on the opposite side - as this worsens it.
Carole keep plodding on. At least Spring is here to give us to give us all a chance to get out for walks and a breath of fresh air. xx
Hi everyone
Last night I had a full night’s sleep for so long, it was wonderful to wake up and think “ooh i’ve slept all night”. I’ve been on the AD’s now since Weds, and as the nausea wore off yesterday, today I took a whole tablet instead of half, which is what the Dr advised me to do when the sickness wore off.
I had a good appt on Friday, had a mammogram and ultrasound on the good breast and everything is fine. My blood results are all good, so they don’t know what is causing the shoulder pain. I am off to see the Rhumatologist again for him to decide what to do.
I managed a game of bowling on the wii today, so I think I am beginning to feel a bit better, I am trying so hard to think more positively.
Lily and Chris - the house is coming along nicely, thanks. We aren’t living in it yet but in the last week rooms have started to go in, it looks strange now instead of an open barn we have rooms. I can’t wait to get moved in and have a bath. That thought spurs me on. Chris you are doing brilliantly walking Lottie for an hour a day, I couldn’t manage that long yet.
Thanks for all your kind thoughts and support, it really does help.
Love Carole x
Hi Carole
I am beginning to wonder whether I should walk Lottie at all. A couple of days ago I took her over some fields and across some farm fields and in one were some geese. I held onto Lottie and wrapped the lead around my hand as she was barking like mad. I just headed straight for the style to get out but in a split second the flippin lead broke and there were sq
ooops split message
and there were squarks and geese flying everywhere. I yelled her to me, wrapped the broken lead round her collar and dragged her away, I was fuming. When I looked back the geese were fine but I noticed ‘farmer Joe’ on his buggy coming round the side of his big house, you couldn’t see me for dust!!!
Yesterday I took her to the common where there are a few horses. She doesn’t bother them but is rather partial to their dung!!! It isn’t too bad until I drive her home and she ‘heavy breathes’ over my shoulder all the way back. Dog FREE to good home, no correction, FREE to any home…
tc Chris x
Hello Carole,
Caught your post on bcpals too, thank you.
Sorry to hear about the depression, but very glad to hear your GP was so helpful and that you had a good sleep last night.
As you so rightly say this condition is quite common after a bc dx.
We have more time to reflect on what has happened as we approach the end of a treatment plan. Worries and fatigue creep in when we no longer have to attend hosp appts as regularly and we can feel like we’re in in a kind of limbo.
I hope you continue to feel better each and every day,
Take Care,
Love
Jackie xxx
Hi Peacock
Glad you are feeling a bit better and had a good night’s sleep, once you have had a few of those you will start to feel a bit better. My Ad really helps me sleep, so much so I cannot get up!! then again I never was a morning person, can’t believe I will be dragging my body out of bed again tomorrow for work.
Yes I did have an under active thyroid I am on thyroxine now, have got to have another blood test soon.
At least spring is here I have been gardening most of the weekend putting plugs in and sorting my greenhouse out.
Hope you keep well.
Sarah x
Peacock, I’m so glad to hear that you have picked up a bit.I hope that it continues on an upward path.
Chris, just a caution about dogs and horse manure. If the horse has been wormed some of the wormer can be in the dung and it can be fatal to dogs. I hadn’t realised this and now am always very careful with mine around manure. It’s probably a chance in a hundred but would hate for yours to be ill.