My partner of 11 years (lived together three years ) walked out last week, having left a note. I was diagnosed last march with secondary breast cancer and have had aggressive chemo. now on tamoxifen. We had a row two weeks ago about my teenage stepson who had got into trouble at school and this seems to have triggered something in him. I now bitterly regret getting involved. I have not spoken to him for a week - when i did last week I just got so upset and he got increasingly angry. The house feels very empty. He has got a flat but won’t even let me know where. He has come back a couple of times this week to use stuff in his office but I have been too upset to face him.
I know I have not been fully present for him. the treatment left me physically wrecked. Our sex life also suffered due to the sideeffects of the tamoxifen and this came between us.
I don’t understand because he was brilliant during all the treatment and so supportive and loving. He now shouts he doesn’t love me and has cruelly told a mutual friend he is not worried about me meeting anyone else. Like a I want to and b I’m not exactly a catch. My hair is coming back horrible, the drugs have left me infertile (i’m just 45) and at times I feel like an old lady with little energy.
I am trying to keep busy - but that is tiring in itself. I now work from home so it’s very quiet and can be isolating. I have to fight calling him as at the moment it’s not a good thing. He only reitirates that it’s over between us. I am fearful of the future as it is and am trying to live in the day. The house is in both our names but I worry about this too and the bills etc.
I really don’t think he understands the emotional impact of cancer. he says he can cope with my cancer but not my temper (which i have not lost that often) and when I shout at him.
I am in remission. My last scan was the week before the row - and we celebrated with a meal - at his suggestion - and a trip to the theatre.
Oh dear, what a horrible situation for you. If you want a listening ear you might like to phone our helpline. They are on 0808 800 6000 and open Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm Saturday, 9am - 2pm.
You might also like to post this is the secondary breast cancer room as well. I’m sure the ladies who regularly post there will give you loads of support.
Hi Vikki,
I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this dreadful situation. Having secondaries is bad enough but having the financial worries and your partner leaving must be awful. Working from home is very isolating. I know its difficult but you need to get out and about just for your own sanity. Are there evening classes in your area you can join? I’m sure you don’t feel like you want another relationship but just any company I’m sure would help you feel better. I hope this helps please don’t feel you are all alone you can always vent your feelings here.
Take care
Allie
thats awful, having to deal with secondaries and then this., there are other women who have posted about this. Its truly shocking that men can be so ‘supportive’ and then turn out not to understand anything at all. i think that alot of people want things to be finished and can’t deal with an ongoing thing.
Do you have family you can got to to do your work ? maybe you can take your computer etc to them - its amazing what you can do with technology, I work from home alot. On the house and everything dont take any sudden decisions. Dont be pressured,
anyway as allie says please come on this board and let us know how you are getting on… I hope that things can get better,
People do behave very oddly when in a crisis. Cancer has a huge impact on families and men often bottle things up so I think it can be very difficult for them, they are onlookers but they have to try and keep things going. It must be very hard for him to accept that you have a disease you are not going to be cured of and he can do nothing about it. Sometimes people just can’t cope with this. People do say wounding things on the spur of the moment that they can regret later, and what he said was reported to you by someone else so it may not be accurate. It would be easy to write him off as a complete shit but I’m not sure, he must be worried about his son and he has been supportive in the past.
I don’t know what the answer is, maybe you need to investigate what other support you can get both financial and emotional. Is there a job you could do which would not involve working from home for example? Or could you give up work altogether. The problem with that is that you might be a whole lot worse off financially. I think you need to go and get some financial advice and maybe some employment advice.
I read your post and had had to reply to let you know your not alone…like you i have secondaries…
My husband of 7 years decided he had given up on me last year and we separated… i have since found out he had someone else… it has left me devastated and feeling worthless.
He hasnt supported me financially, i have been left to sort out the sale of the house and the divorce… I just cant believe how you think you know someone then and they do that to you… it just shows you how people can change… i cant believe how my life has turned out…
Anyway… that happened to me last year and now i can finally see a turning point… i realise now how badly he treated me and i am better off without him since he didnt support me at all… he hardly ever came to the hospital for any of my treatments/appointments etc…
You dont deserve to be treated like this, its hard enough fighting cancer without having this to deal with aswell.
You need to speak to someone about any benefits you can claim, do you claim DLA because you have secondaries??
Dont let the situation get the better of you… pick yourself up, dust yourself off and you will get through this…
come on here and talk anytime… it may help and make you feel better… dont be alone…