Feeling down

Hi all,

Its a while since I been on the site. My treatment Chemo then rads finished in September now am on tamoxifen.

All through my diagnosis and treatment I coped really well and only one time did I cry. But now I have started back to work (part time at first) three weeks ago, its all starting to catch up with me!!! I have been so down and tearful and can’t seem to explain how I am feeling. All my friends and family have marvelled at “how well I coped” and now that the treatment has finished I feel abandoned. “Its all over now, so I must be feeling better”, BUT I AM NOT!!!

I find it very difficult to talk to others about my deeper feelings and tend to just pretend that everythings fine. And I also get the impression that they are all fed up of hearing about it and that I should just get back to “normal”. But I don’t fel normal at all.

Had anyone else felt like this? The only person who I feel would have been understanding is my Mum, but sadly she passed away with stomach Cancer 2 years ago and she was my best friend. I have missed her terribly and wanted her here to comfort me.

Love to you all
SusieX

Hi Susie,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. I have felt like this as well over the past few weeks. I finished rads in September, and was told to expect this so I think it is quite normal. My BCN said that its like the stages of bereavement and we are getting towards the reality/ acceptance stage. As you rightly said, ‘coping so well’ doesn’t do us any favours because my family and friends do not know how to deal with the way I am at the moment. In their eyes, I am the sensible one who copes with anything thrown at me
but I need to break down sometimes and its taken me since June to do so but no-one knew what to say or do!

I am still off work but my colleagues keep inviting me back for coffee etc as ‘it will do you good’. They do not understand that it won’t do me any good as I don’t want to be there (I blame the stress of work on my BC as no other reason for it) and that life will never be ‘normal’ again as I will always be on the lookout for BC and any other illnesses. I have also found another job to start next year after I have worked my notice as I really cannot return to my job- I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

I suggest that you speak to your BCN or someone on the support line here. It worked for me a few weeks ago (as the anonimity helps) and I am feeling a lot more positive about things this week.

Kat x

Hi Susie

I’m sorry to read that you’re feeling down. As Kat mentions it may help to talk to someone on the helpline as you can talk in confidence about how you are feeling. The team on the helpline will be only too happy to talk to you and just be a listening ear if you feel it would help to share your concerns. BCC are here to support you so please use us if it will help. The line is open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturdays 9am to 2pm and the number is free phone 0808 800 6000.

Kind regards

Katie
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

I totally know where you are both coming from. I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer September 2005 and started chemo two days later. After first consultation with onc scans arranged etc., and four weeks later was told it had spread to the bone - obviously even more devastated! Ct scan of major organs clear. Completed 8 courses of chemo relatively trouble free then 30 odd rads Surgery not an option as onc says it would be of no benefit. Started new part time job month after treatment finished. Initially enjoyed it but then as work started to pile up on me blood pressure went sky high and I felt unable to cope with the pressure. Initially went on the sick February 2007 and finished work May 2007. I don’t miss work as I also believe that the stress in my job I was doing when diagnosed contributed towards my cancer also. I enjoy being able to do what I want when I want but for the last month or so I feel really down. I coped really well also, sometimes I think too well and now because I have plenty of time on my hands I feel the shock may have finally caught up with me. I know its so important to remain positive and focused and up to now I have but find myself struggling this past month.

Denio

Hi Susie

You’re going through a very normal phase and it takes time to re-adjust to life - not going up to the hospital for treatment, etc. etc. It is a feeling of being abandoned to start with but you will re-adjust gradually. The main thing is to take it easy on yourself - you’ve been through a very traumatic time and there’s no way you’re going to feel ‘back to normal’ (whatever that is!) straight away just because treatment has finished and people around you need to be aware of that.

I think it takes a good year to 18 months to start to feel comfortable about learning to live with your diagnosis and as the years go by you’ll find it recedes further into the distance.

If you have an off day - go with it. We, more than any other people, can’t be positive all the time and it would be unrealistic to think that but just keep in your mind that things will improve and you’re allowed to have down days!

People put so much pressure on you by saying that we’ve got to remain positive - do they all the time? I think, for me, it’s been a ‘determination’ to do things rather than being positive although I am a naturally positive (half full rather than half empty cup) and I know, for some people, it is very hard to lift themselves, especially if they haven’t got support within their family or friends.

Take care.

:Pinkdove

Hi Girls

Having only just read Susies letter, it seems a reflection of my own feelings now and I can’t belive it. From when I was diagnosed in June and after lumpectomy and Rads I seemed to ‘sail’ though it all. Now it’s finished it’s like someone has taken my goalposts away and I feel totally lost.
The one thing I said I would do as soon as my treatment had finished was to move forward and put it behind me. The other thing I said I wouldn’t do was to read the ‘Secondaries Forum’ but today I have had to really work hard to stop myself going on there.
I must pull myelf together I know but it’s almost like losing a way of life isn’t it.

Love to all
Norma x

hi ,sorry to hear your so down ,i think its a normal part of the recovery process to be surrounded by medics etc one week then out on our own the next, very scary as you think well is that it am i cured ? but it does take time to adjust to everthing thats happend to us. im 18mnths down the line now and was returning to work but the dreaded lymphodemea has struck so off for a bit longer, my work mates are very nice but i missed so much in the last year i feel im out of the loop and they really dont know just what to say to me! take everyday as it comes , its a bonus .i say everyday is a new page. what you write is up to you, i know im trying to write a best seller!! take care of yourself love lynn xx

I am so glad I have just read this page. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me for feeling like this. Everyone seems to expect you to be full of the joys of spring because hey you;ve just survived breast cancer. The thing is after being 100% positive for the last 18 months and facing my treatment head on, i now feel completley and utterly drained. Why do those nearest and dearest to you think that you are back to how you were pre breast cancer? Is is because my hair has grown back, because I’ve gone back to work or what. No one realises that my head is ready to explode with all the emotions that have built up. Some days I feel on top of the world, others I feel in the depths of despair. Today, having found this forum, I accept that what I am feeling is perfectly normal and thank god for that. The comments have really really helped me thank you.

Hi Ladies,

you should read the article ‘after treatment has finished’ and pass it to you family - it really is good and articulates all these feelings really well. I can’t remember the name of the doc who wrote it but just goggle it.

Angie

Its Dr Peter Harvey…great article.

Jane

Just read it - excellent, but long! so make a cup of tea first. It’s at
breastcancercare.org.uk/archive/forums/Treatmentsandreconstruction/793896/
Jacquie

Just like to say a big Thank You for the Dr Peter Harvey article it was a superb read.
JanW

Wjat a brilliant article, and oh soooo true!

I just read it too - absolutely great. I am not there yet but had already started thinking about the potential downside of finsihing treatment. This is really helpfl.

Love

Dilys
xxx