feeling lost
feeling lost Hi I havent used the site for a while have tried pretending this year just hasnt happened .Diganosed Breast Cancer in Feb and had a masectomy to right side finished chemo in July and im now waiting for reconstruction which I have been told should be before Feb next year if possible before Xmas .
I feel as though I have lost myself I he says im just the same but im not neither looks or feelings I cant talk to my Husband I have tried many times but as long as Im doing everything I always have done and done it thruogh chemo everythinng is ok He pretends it hasnt happened but I feel let down and possible very selfish I just want to run away leave everything behind and go it alone .
Does anyone feel let down by there parteners or husbands I really dont know who I am anymore.Sorry but is it just me?
He would be realy upset if he new he doest know how to give affection but I have needed it this year and now I just cant give it back …
Hi I know how you feel. My husband wasn’t very supportive at all, emotionally or in a practical sense. He heaved a huge sigh of relief when treatment started as if I was no longer his responsibility, and he made it clear that he resented taking time off work to take me to chemo (I don’t drive). Fortunately my student son was able to do it a couple of times, and he was the one who took me to hospital for my mastectomy.
I didn’t have a reconstruction and due to that and the weight I have put on after 4 years on Tamoxifen, we don’t have a physical relationship any more. Oddly enough we get on better as housemates than as a couple - I suppose there are no expectations on either side now. I think he realises that if he gets anything serious, he won’t get a lot of sympathy from me!
‘LIVING WITH BREAST CANCER COURSE’??? Hi
Sorry I dont know your name, I might be going on about this but please look to see if there is a LIVING WITH BREAST CANCER 2 day course running in your area. I know that there is one in Blackburn in November. I went although I wasnt sure at first and it REALLY helped me and as far as I can acertain the other girls in the group too. It was wonderful just to have time for me without having to think about my other half and children.
I think that we all lose our identity and ONLY those who have been through this terrible experience can truly understand. I started to find out the new me, the one who wouldnt run around as much after every body again, I don’t want to be the old Debbie, I want to enjoy myself and live everyday to the full. I want to laugh, really laugh, I want to dance
anywhere…and I want to be happyand content…that can only comes from ourselves…
I dont think that with the best will in the world our other halves and family can really cope with the whole thing, and maybe if the shoe was on the other foot that is just how we would cope with it.
So come on, you are really wonderful, look what you have just gone through and you have come out the other side. I have found that if I am content (and I dont mean that I feel good everyday) but everyone else seems to tag along.
You are really not on your own and if you go to one of these courses you will see that. I walked into the room and saw all these beautiful women and thought, hold on…they cant have had breast cancer, I saw myself at that time as a victim and were not.
Much, much love to you, keep smiling!!!
Love Debbie x
not alone “EVER” Hi there,
I dont know your name but I just wanted to say please dont ever think you’re on your own. Some of us are very lucky to have husbands/partners who are with us every step of the way and others like yourself have guys in their lives who have absolutley no idea how to handle anything that might not show their masculinity.
They have the misconception that showing their feelings is weak and feeble. But underneath all that rubbish is a very scared person and somewhat selfish.
As for you feeling letdown and selfish, well letdown you may have been but selfish you certainly are not.
We go through some horrific experiences when we are diagnosed with cancer and those around us have a really hard time to. They tend to think if they bury their heads in the sand that it will go away or it hasn’t really happened. Well it has and we have to show them how to deal with it. You have so much going on in your head right now that all you want is a cuddle but he does’nt know how to give it. You both need time to adjust.
I really hope you get that cuddle, whatever happens you’ll ALWAYS have us to talk to.
Take care, keep in touch
MUCH LOVE AND LOADS OF CUDDLES
BINNER
the end of our marriage this is the first time I’ve used the forums, this week we decided to separate BC 3 years ago, bilateral mastectomy chemo, radio,I,ve come out the other end, but our relationship hasn’t. He just can’t deal with the “mutilation” or is that just an excuse.I don’t want to be defined as a victim, how can I bounce back? help !
to Lonely Hi there, it could have been me writing your message - I feel exactly the same way as you do. I feel incredibly resentful towards my husband - during this last year we have grown further and further apart. Considering we have been married for 33 years, I am astonished i feel this way and have even now considered whether I want him in my life anymore. When you say you feel let down, I can empathise - the trouble is I don’t know why. He tries, but always manages to do and say the absolute wrong thing. I too feel like just running away - I shut myself off from everybody as I don’t want to be seen to be this gloomy, self obsessed person. I just want to come back when I feel better (if ever). I hate self pity in others and here I am being just that. So, I suppose in answer to your question, no, it isn’t just you and wonder how common it it. Good luck, I wish I could offer some amazing advice, but I just hope you come through it much stronger than you were before. Jane
Phone line is great Hi Just wanted to say that I found the support line extremely useful when I was at a low ebb. Some times it just isn’t possible to talk to family or friends and one morning I felt so bad that I decided to ring the support line. I had a long chat with a sympathetic lady who was not in the least bit patronising. She helped me think through some issues and I felt so much better afterwards.
Hope all goes well for you.
Feeling lost - changed feelings For JaneFrance,
I did a double-take when I read your letter as the same thing seems to be happening to me. I cannot say that my husband and I have been really close over the past years (we’ve been married for 40 years) but we have muddled along. However since my diagnosis with DCIS and treatment I really seem to have changed. He has never been able to deal with people being ill, it’s always a case of oh tomorrow it will all be better, and when he heard that I could have an op and immediate recon with no further treatment it was as if it would all be over in a week or so. As you know, it just ain’t! I even went through all the investigations after the first mammo result came back as a query without telling him, as I knew he would not be able to support me – fortunately I have two very close friends who got me through that People told me his attitude was because he was really worried about me and that I should have understanding for him but I was using all my strength to get MYSELF through what was happening to ME so I didn’t have any spare to hand around.
Do you call yourself gloomy because you think you are "self-obsessed? I don’t think you are, istn’t it really more a case of thinking about yourself for once and putting YOU first? We have been through a hell of a lot (many of you on the forum through far more than I have) and it is with us for life. If that is not a reason for us to feel differently I don’t know what is! Yesterday I read Dr Harvey’s text After the Treatment Finishes and was relieved to see that so much of what I/we feel is absolutely normal. I felt like handing it out to all around me.
Please don’t shut yourself off. I don’t know where you live in Normandy – (rather a long way from Switzerland, where the English Speaking Cancer Association has an excellent “Bosom Pals sub-group as I mentioned in another email to the forum) but do you have much contact with other Brits in the area? I drive through Normandy several times a year on my way to Caen (and thence to Portsmouth and Dorset, where I am until next weekend), used to stay with a good friend who lived near St Pierre sur Dives. Are you around there? It’s a lovely part of France (and what good food!). Let me know if I can help you directly. Meantime, I shall be thinking positive thoughts for you. Tiens bon, ma chère!
To Lonely Hello Lonely! Just wanted you to know you are not alone when it comes to unsupportive husbands.
I thought we had quite a good marriage, but on the day of the diagnosis my husband suddenly developed a stiff neck and needed looking after - that evening I was fussing around him, giving him supper on a tray and all the while thinking “this is the wrong way round”. On the day I came out of hospital he had a bad migraine and again needed looking after.
I walked around for months in seething resentment over this, even though I told myself these symptoms were a measure of his concern over my health. It took me ages to realise how I had been mothering him for the 31 years of our marriage, how often I had to pick him up and dust him down and say “there, there”.
Thanks to the chemotherapy I went into a fairly fast and nasty menopause, but the good thing was that I discovered I had a temper and I was able to voice these things to him - albeit usually in quite a shouty way… Now he knows how I feel and I’ve told him I want more emotional support and that I shall demand it in future when I need it. Haven’t tested it yet, though…
I’ve been amazed at the responses to your original posting, how many other women are walking around with this one. Bit shocked also, but there is some bitter comfort in knowing we are not alone.
Zelah i have just noticed your post on separating from your husband.
it was unfortunate that it was put in with another post, so i think it was overlooked.
you must be going through a very rough time at the moment and i just wanted you to know that we are good people on here and will want to help in any way we can.
i am sorry you did not have a response at a time when quite frankly you would have needed one.
i don’t come on that often.
if you read this please let me know how you are doing.
sharon. x