My apologies in advance for the long feeling sorry for myself post.
During lockdown many of my friends with secondary BC have died. When you start a friendship with someone in the same position as us you very quickly form bonds as we all just get it. However you are aware that at some stage these will end due to the horrible conditions. Even though we know this can happen these relationships are still needed.Normally I can protect myself and have a moment for them then get off my bum and go do something. Over the past few days I have struggled to do this. I am just feeling numb with all the people dying. I am fortunate that my disease is stable which makes me cross that I’m not making the most of each day. Obviously when you are feeling like this all your other issues come to the surface. I feel so much older than my friends and jealous of what they can do and what I can’t. I have major body issues with the weight that won’t shift, lack of eye brows, hair, skin etc. I hate seeing my face in zoom chats. I just feel so isolated especially with lockdown. It is so tough. I’m not sure why I wrote this post.I hoped by writing it all down in the hope I would feel better as they say better out than in
Firstly, apologies not needed, Secondly we are all here each other on this site, it could be 2am in the morning or 10pm at night when we need to put a few word on paper, and hopefully makes all the difference. You have had a very sad time with the loss of friends to BC, I’m thinking you were the best friend anyone could wish to have, caring, sensitive, with a lot of love to give.
Please take care, and as I always say one day at a time, lockdown has taken a toll on a lot of people…keep us all posted on how you are getting on and remember Share don’t Scare.
I don’t think you are feeling sorry for yourself, as you put in the heading, you are feeling a bit lost. To have lost friends in the past few months must be extremely hard, tough and upsetting. I think you need to try and be kind to yourself, easier said than done. I am not very keen on appearing on Zoom either but I think you need to try and reframe it and focus on why you are on the Zoom in the first place. You are there to connect and chat with friends and/or family and they want the contact too. Real friends will be pleased to have contact with you and won’t be judging how you look. I have immediate family who live abroad and if they FaceTime me unexpectedly during my morning/their evening, I can feel self-conscious and really that’s just a waste of energy.
The days are getting shorter at the moment, it can be dark by 4pm but I’ve found just going for a short, local walk in the morning or early morning can lift my mood and I enjoy meeting others on the way. I take tablets for severe depression so I do know what it’s like to feel low and I do have to push myself to get out of bed some days. As Tili said, take each day at it comes and do be kind to yourself.
Hi Jambleg, I am sorry you are feeling so bad. We are all here for you. Don’t be so hard on yourself about not doing things. Getting through each day is achievement enough for now.
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! It’s totally understandable that you feel low. Losing one friend can be a blow, but to lose a few within a short space… it must be absolutely devastating.
Reach out to friends and family for support. Even this forum is a fantastic place to connect with others. As others have previously said, one day at a time! As cliche as it sounds… That is all anyone has. Focus on today.
It is extremely difficult with covid, but hopefully it will blow over soon, but try and fill your time with lots of things you enjoy whether that be baking, crafts, walking, you’re favourite movie, learn to knit, buy yourself some flowers, reading, relaxing warm baths - Overall be kind to yourself!!
You are definitely not alone in feeling this way and don’t be afraid to reach for help. Sending you lots of love!
Hi I have just seen your post and wanted to reply, first of all hugs to you and I know what you are going through, in the sense that I lost a friend to bc at the beginning of lockdown, I have found this site really good lovely people and there is always someone to help, if you would like to ever talk please feel free, take care of yourself xxx
Dear Jambleg, I’ve just read your post and the replies from all the other lovely ladies. I felt so sad reading it, totally understand everything you say, this secondary BC is incredibly horrific and hard to live with, and you’ve lost friends, so sorry, my heart goes out to you.
So pleased for you that you are stable, but it’s so difficult to get on top of things when you feel so down. No need to apologise, certainly not, we all know exactly how you feel and we understand absolutely.
You sound like a wonderful person, so caring and strong enough to post your innermost thought and feelings, do hope it has helped writing it all down, it helps us all too.
Really feel for you. In addition to the support and advice from others below…I just wanted to comment re zoom - while I can imagine how you feel and understand this, please don’t be put off - with lockdown it’s such a good way to hear your friends.
Many people (including those who are perfectly well) dislike having the camera on all the time, to the level of switching the camera off for some work meetings. Hence why not tell your friends you just feel more comfortable joining the conversation with the camera off? Or just have it on briefly to wave hello and then turn the camera off? Or even better, place the laptop so that your friends only see a part of you and mainly see an abstract picture on the wall (very easy to do - oop’s the laptop lid has started slipping open wide). Or tell them your internet’s really feeble…so you are keeping your camera off… and just have a good chat (and see your friends on the screen).
I’m sure anyone who’s worth their salt wouldn’t mind one or more, or all, of the above options. One of my friends often lets her camera drift onto a rather colourful and kind of funky bead curtain! No one minds, its just good to hear her!
