This could turn into a bit of a ramble so apologies in advance.
I feel so lonely this morning. My husband, bless him, is out doing the weekly shop so it’s just me and the cats. I am not the most gregarious person and most of my immediate family are about an hours drive away. I have friends mainly through work but find it hard to connect. This BC thing has made things harder of course as I find it just too hard to share at times. I hate talking about cancer all the time but that’s what it feels like I end up doing. I don’t have children so I don’t have the distractions that many other women on the forum do. I am finding it hard to ‘carry on keeping on’. Yes I am only 4 days past my latest chemo (3/6) so I know I am still rough. I am struggling to both be with folk and being alone. I am geniunely at a loss feeling rather pathetic too!!
Hi Ali
I know just how you feel. I am feeling very isolated at the moment. I realised within the 3 weeks of my last cycle I went out of the house twice! I did go in my garden a lot but always alone. I have a fantastic husband ( I can honestly say this has brought us even closer) and 4 grown up kids all of whom are getting on with their own very busy lives. Although I have family they are miles away and in different countries.
Until all this started I was happily enjoying my life. We decided to early retirement, after both being made redundant. We knew it was going to be a financial stretch as although we have private pensions they are both very very small. We wanted to spend time together and have fun. We played racquet ball, cycled, walked and kayaked all the time, we both did some volunteering, generally life was great ?. Then wham! Can’t even cycle at the moment and walking is so tiring. I feel my life is on hold. I try hard to think positively but in reality I just want my old life back ?. I try hard to get OH to pick up his life but everything has to revolve around treatment dates and SEs!
I am also on week 1 of chemo 4/6 and found that my bloods were very low so now I know I am going to be even more reluctant to go out incase anything delays my cycles!
I only have a couple of friends, I am not really the outgoing type, that I still maintain contact with but find it very difficult. They are getting on with life and mine feels so small in comparison.
Sorry I have rambled on and haven’t really helped. I do know exactly how you feel so you are not alone. We will get through this and all the wobbles on the way.
Sending hugs
Jan x
Hi Ali and Jan. I am not going through chemo yet (I wish I was long story about open wound and might not be healed in 3 month window) however I completely see where you are coming from. Since I had my op on 29th Feb I have been out 3 times other than to hospital and one of them was to my in laws last night for tea. I have lots of work “friends” whilst I am there but only a couple of close friends. The first time I saw both of them one evening then this last Tuesday went for lunch with the one I’m closest to. Neither me nor my hubby are socialites preferring home than out. When my kids were younger we used to socialise with other parents but then when they went to secondary school and we’re not at the school gates twice a day those friends have become more distant. I know if we met we would pick up like we had never been apart but I am sick of talking about cancer and going over the same things over and over again. I have reverted into my own little bubble with my family and like you both have an extremely supportive husband.
The only positive thing to come out of me writing this down is that I felt I was odd and weird but now I realise there are others that feel the same.
I loved and I mean loved my job. I miss it terribly but even if they said I could return to work I couldn’t physically put one foot out of the door as it seems too big a hurdle.
I’ve not been much help but I’m glad I read your posts.
As my boss said to me, who has false everything inc hair, she looks like a model out of Vogue until you get up close “chin up” ??
Dear all, I had 1st chemo last week and can only admire those further on. I haven’t been in work since end of feb and I have found that the longer this journey goes on the more isolating if feels especially as my lovely hubby is not coping very well with my diagnosis. We have a small circle of what I call “friend” friends who all work so it’s hard to meet up. My children are in junior school and I am dreading when they going back after the holidays as my hair will probably departed by then and I couldn’t bear the sympathetic looks before ! It just feels like this bloody disease has brought your life to a standstill whilst everyone is carrying on, I just want my old safe, “boring” life back and it’s well and truly pizzing me off. I sat and sobbed as we had booked to go away in August and can’t go which in the scheme of things isn’t the worst thing that could happen but it’s just a reminder that it belonged to my old pre cancer life.
Bottyboo I know what you mean about work, it’s not totally out the question for me but after this week it just seems too big a hurdle.
I am not particularly good with people I don’t know (like stranger danger for adults lol) but the other day I was very brave and went into the maggies centre when I was at the hospital and it was so welcoming had a really nice time do I am going to try to do this again.
Sorry reading this back I am not cheering anyone up but it’s nice to put it out there with people who have some inkling of how you feel x
Still very much in a bad place today and have sobbed and sobbed at times at the unfairness of my situation. On one hand I am very angry with myself because I am not handling my emotions at all and on the other hand being a child and wanting this all to be a bad dream. I was diagnosed just before christmas you’d think I would’ve got used to the routine by now. Today’s the last of the gsf injections so I hope I don’t get the aches I had previously. I am pretty sure I am depressed but I really cannot be ar3d to go to the GP for a visit as I don’t want to be with people. My husband just suggested I might want to sit in the garden for a bit, but as we only moved a year ago it’s not much to look at and I really have no enthusiasm to start planning. *sigh* what an appalling post this is turning out to be. Everything is on a downer, I feel sick, I feel totally ugly, no energy, feeling fat/stuffing face due to steroids. I managed to play a little on my guitar but it was out of desperation to lift my mood and it was a total labour. Just trying to make it to the next dinner time and then bed time so I can wish another day away. I need this chemo 5h1t to finish as it is totally obscuring any tiny bit of good in my self.
Hi Ali
I wish I could offer something to help. Truth be known I feel the same. I just want my life back.
I am day 8 after 4thEC, the SEs are less now but mentally I am struggling. I have lost all self confidence and basically hide. I stay in my garden but am to tired or just can’t be bothered to actually do what needs to be done. I try to do something in a morning but it doesn’t involve leaving the house or meeting people. I am going on Look Good Feel Better workshop tomorrow afternoon, I am hoping it will help. I hate the way I look. I have put on so much weight my clothes don’t fit, I have very thin eyebrows and hardly any eyelashes add a bald head and a very lopsided chest and you don’t exactly get a vision of loveliness!
Ok I know I need to be more positive and I do try. I put on loud music and sing, very badly, whilst doing something. I am trying to get on with some of the crafts I have not had time for.
I have been working on some sewing for weeks I find that stuff I normally do almost automatically now takes lots of planning, checking and rechecking before I actually commit to use my machine.
Ali I really wish I could help but I end up just pouring out how I feel instead of making some incredibly helpful profound statement. ?
I know this is just a wobble along my way but I am really wobbling. Perhaps we just need to wobble together for a while ?.
Sending lots of big hugs
Jan x
Ali
I so understand not doing coffee morning thing. I know someone who had BC just before me. She didn’t need chemo or radiotherapy but she really “understands” how I feel. Yeah right, try being poisoned and then know it is going to happen again and again. She attends a group who go out and do things together, mostly pub I think! I don’t want to be with people who will constantly remind me of how insular my life has become going from treatment to appointments and back again. She revels in becoming a member of the group. It is not my way.I also wanted to tell her you got off lightly mine is worse than yours. ?
I have come to the conclusion that I need this ranting outlet, its ok to say what a cr** situation and please let me off the bus. ?. I can talk honestly to you whereas most of the time my true feeling are bottled up. Sometimes if I let them out the dam would burst and sometimes to shield those I love. My OH is wonderful he knows some of how I feel. He’s the one there when I force myself to go into the unit fighting panic every step if the corridor. But you know Ali as do others there is a big difference between witnessing and living our lives at the moment.
A long time ago when I worked in community ed I had a moaning partner. She did the same job as me but at a different centre. When things got bad we used to phone and moan, didn’t half help. It meant I got all the petty niggles out (so did she) before I went home so work generally stayed at work. I still need that outlet and this thread has become that for me. So no uplifting comments no platitudes or telling you only ? so many left just someone who really understands feels the same and totally accepts your right to make "toxic ramblings " whenever you want.
That’s my ramble over but I am sure I will be back later.
Sending lots of hugs
Jan x
I am so glad I found this post, I thought I was going mad. I feel exactly the same as you ladies.
I’ve been in bed now for about 17 hours, not because I can’t get out I just can’t stop crying. I’m angry that everyone around me has a life, I’m angry at several of my closest friends because they are on holiday (which I know is selfish & irrational). I’m just angry. I feel guilty for feeling angry and thinking why me? I had a telephone meeting with my employer yesterday who is making me compulsory redundant at the end of the month. Nothing to do with my illness and all to do with moving work to a cheaper part of the country where my job (which I have done for the last 15 years) is now being done by a graduate who knows diddly squat. I have over 30 years of service with the company but seems that counts for nothing. Everyone tries to tell me once treatment is finished I will be fine and to stay positive and be strong. They say be grateful your cancer was found early and that you will live, when many more don’t. I just don’t think I have the energy to be positive any more. I’m finished chemo and will start 20 rads at the end of the month. My OH is great but not one for dealing with emotions, so he is struggling to cope with me right now. My daughter doesn’t get on with my partner which makes for tension at home too. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up well again and have a job, a life and a harmonious house.
I have thought about speaking to someone at my local MacMillan unit, has anyone else tried this? Will they meet you face to face or is all over the phone?
Blimey Vik - that is just awful for you!! No wonder you’re feeling like you are, we all look for some sort of normality at the end of this cr@p, and you’ve had a big part of that taken away from you having been made redundant.
I know how you feel about seeing friends getting on with normality - I work in a school and seeing colleagues on Easter breaks abroad was hard to take - why wasn’t I in Portugal as planned!!
Yes your cancer may have been found early, but it’s bl%%dy cancer! It’s scary! It continues to be scary after we’ve finished treatment I’m imagining.
You have every right to feel the way you do.
I haven’t had counselling myself, but I started to do counselling training a couple of years ago to help meeting my work with children. I would definately seek further help in that way as it helps you to sort out your emotions and see the way ahead. You won’t feel you have to hold back on what you really want to say because a counsellor won’t judge you at all.
I hope your day improves - sending you loads of love xxx
Like you Ali I’ve been feeling more normal today too. I did find on my previous chemos that I was very emotional for the first week and its now exactly a week since the last one, so hopefully my mood and emotions will start to level out. I did speak to a lovely lady at my local MacMillan unit, she has arranged for me to go in on Monday for a longer chat but said everything I was feeling was completely normal and as we know it’s how lots of us feel. I have also spoken to one of my friends this evening who I’ve been purposely ignoring because of my feelings towards her “perfect life”. She was so lovely and understanding about how I’ve been feeling it made me feel guilty all over again! The rational side of me knows no one has the perfect life (and certainly my friend has had her fair share of illness & problems in the past) but when you’re going through what we are it’s bloody hard to be rational! To be honest it’s not perfect I want, it’s a normal, everyday life I’m after. I’m sure we’re all sick and tired of living from one hospital appointment to the next and I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired! Think those are lyrics from a song ha I made a joke
Another thing the MacMillan lady said was it was ok (and probably good for us) was to have a damn good cry whenever we felt like it! I know this makes my daughter and my partner uncomfortable and feel helpless about what to do for me but I think I’m going take her advice, better than trying to put a brave face on it and keep everything bottled up. Goodnight ladies, thinking of all of you. Big hugs, Vik xx
I guess I must be on my good week as I am feeling relatively normal and well balanced, soon to go downhill next week if bloods come back good. It’ll be my first T.
I saw this on the BBC news website and I know I have only told those from whom I can’t hide it from:
Hello ladies. Hope you don’t mind me joining your post. I had my 3rd EC last week and am struggling to get over the side effects. Still no energy. Lack of appetite. Nausea. Oral thrush. The list goes on.
I did expect to feel happy at reaching the mid way point of my treatment as I start docetaxel next but instead I am filled with panic and dread about what comes next. I even today me OH that I couldn’t carry on yesterday and we ended up having a big row. I can’t stop crying this morning and known I need to pull myself together but just can’t see the point.
Has anyone started docetaxel yet? Please tell me tell side effects are easier.
Hi Helen, I had my last dose of docetaxol 7 days ago (that’s me done!) and although I preferred it to FEC, it can be quite tough too. I found its more aches and pains and less nausea. I’m better with that, I’m rubbish at feeling sick!! I wish I could tell you it’s easier, but we’re all different on how the side effects affect us. Are you having an appointment with your oncologist before T? I asked for cocodamol to help with the pains just incase although have survived just on paracetamol. Write down every side effect you’re struggling with and ask for prescriptions to help you through.
You’re probably emotionally shot to pieces too - it’s a long haul and really tough to deal with. But you are half way through, you CAN do it!
Sending you loads of love and really hope you e had a better day today.
Xxx
Ali
I am so with you on this one. Finished chemo 2 weeks ago. My brain says “yeah!” my body however says “no chance”. Spent yesterday in bed with sore throat and earache, totally exhausted.
I know what you mean about looking at women. I look at hair is it a wig? Why not when that’s what I have to wear! As for boobs well I am currently sporting little and large! Really can’t be a****d with foob so tend to wear a vest or crop top type pull on bra.
I had recently taken early retirement and was having fun with my oh when the sh ** hit the fan!
I am now trying to take my life back and get some normality but I have gained 22lbs am bald and have no eyelashes or eyebrows! Yes my hair is beginning to grow but it is white so totally transparent! I know I can loose the weight but really resent the fact that I have to. Right now really can’t be bothered with any of it. As for “people” telling me I have got through the worse of it, yep but I am still trying to deal with the consequences!
On good days i accept that I survived the challenge of chemo but on bad days all I see is how my life has changed and not in a way I wanted it too.
Ali sobbing is allowed I know there are times when that’s all I can do!
Sending loads of hugs
Jan x
Evening ladies. Well I’m now 4 down 2 to go. It’s days 5 of my first docetaxel and I’m so relieved to not have the nausea. I’m totally wiped out and can’t sleep due to hot flushes. Hoping that’s the steroids which stopped today as I’m on a reduced dose rather than stopping abruptly.
Still having low moods and feeling very emotional. Just want my old life back. Hoping a few more days and I will be feeling more normal again.
This is a horrendous journey that none of us asked to be on but we WILL BEAT IT!!!
Oh Ally I’m so sorry that you feel angry. I read your post and feel for you. This damned disease has us all experiencing some rotten feelings. I don’t feel as angry at the moment but do empathisise. I have my first chemo today and am starting to get frustrated with stuff as they go wrong or I’m kept waiting for hours. I haven’t cried yet since finding the lump in early Feb. But I expect to go through lots of emotions. I’ve been very upbeat most of the time so far. Please try not to be so hard on yourself and give yourself permission to feel. I’ve read Butterfly’s post, and could have written most of it myself, so similar especially how others respond. But right now I’m not sure if I’m feeling like this at the mo which is quite calm, as a protection and it’ll hit me hard when I’m not expecting it. Because My situation is just as sad and scary ( I think I’ve hid some feelings away) but as I’ve said in previous threads I’m trying to stop analysing why I feel as I do. I’m usually a big analyser, but I don’t think there’s an answer. We are all different but going through it together. I am finding that everyone on here accepts our differences and it’s great that you are expressing yourself. But let it out and then try to think of a positive in your life each day and focus on that. Even if it’s your cats or the lovely weather, anything no matter how small. I’m lying here in my cosy bed thinking I could be sleeping on the streets. Barking I know but I don’t want my feelings to replace the cancer and start to eat me up. Ally I hope you don’t think i find it easy and don’t empathise, I really do but I want to help you, give you a big hug and lots of support because it is hard and a real bummer at times xxxx
