Hi all,
Normaly i’ve been so strong & supportive on this site but as you all know to well we still get depressed,
On friday i have my first check up with the oncologist,but it’s getting me on a low amongst other issues, i’m due to be evicted with my three n half year old daughter by my mother on the 1st jan,i’ve got no free cash to buy any of my children gifts this year.Christmas is just a normal day to me this year & i,m not looking forward to the new year with the possiblity of me & my child being homeless.My mother is sitting on a fortune of about 400 thousand and says she cannot help me and my baby even when we get housed. She says i,m making her ill with my anger and arguementing attitude but i only had my opperation in August and i,m sorry but cancer is not a minor issue i,ve got to live with this worry.
Sorry to bother you all with my problems but i just want to go away somewhere but cannot because of my baby,
soz again to all,
Lance xx
I’m sorry to hear you are so down at the moment, if you need someone to talk to in confidence then please do give the helpline a call, the staff are here to help you. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 lines being open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
Lance,
I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry that you have so much S@#t on your plate and wish I could offer some practical help other than some words.
I really don’t understand you Mums position and because of that I can’t really make any judgment. Can your council help on the housing front? If you have an eviction notice, they should treat you as a priority given your circumstances.
It may be worth asking the Citizens Advice if you are entitled to any grants or allowances or even this chartity may be able to offer some guidance.
One thing I do understand is the anger and that cancer is no little thing. It takes a long time for this to subside. The bitterness of “why me?” “What have I done to deserve this?” are normal questions and in most cases ones that cannot be answered by anyone. This is what takes the time - coming to terms with the fact that S@#t happens and you have to accept it and deal with it.
Don’t give in Lance - life is a battle worth fighting for - take a couple of deep breaths, calm down and ask the questions that need to be asked. We are all here to give you the moral support if not the practical, so be the strong man that we know that you are and get out there and fight for it.
HI Lance,
How i wish i had a magic wand to help you.
your absoluately right cancer is not a minor issue but something we have to live with…is there nothing your mother will do to help you? have you any other family that might be able to help?..are you a single parent or do you have a partner?
Can you not get any benefits?..what about contacting Macmillan…I believe in some circumstances they may help financially with a grant to cancer sufferers.
Keep your chin up…this disease makes you depressed at anytime but at this time of year its even worse.
We have not “spoken” before but I have read your threads… MacMillan can help you, they have grants for those in difficulty with cash and housing. Please contact them and I’m sure they can help you.
I’m sorry to hear of your difficulties, especially at this time. Can’t you plead with your mother? I know it’s sometime difficult not to be angry at those who love us for all the wrong reasons when we are ill.
Sometime, it takes a while for that to calm down and for us to realise what we are doing to others. Perhpas your mum just needs to think of the consequences of her actions and for you to think on yours past. between the two of you, you can surely come to a common understanding of what’s happening.
Can your doctor help with understanding of what has caused this upset? Can she/he not help in some way to making you feel a bit better in yourself? If your mother understood what the realities of being a BC patient are, then she might be a bit more understanding?
So many questions, I’m sorry!! But answering some of them might be the key to you having a more postive route to the New Year. Let us know how you get on. I’m thinking of your plight.
Thanks Brian & Karen,
Your two of the friends who always reply to me, karen you have been great in the past posts to me,
As for family help,well my mum is the only one who could help but she is a very selfish person, after a row only today she took her dog shopping and said to my daughter (stay with your dad),little Charley sobbed her heart out,its not her fault bless her. Yes i am a single parent trying to bring up a little girl with nothing but love and care, i,m an only child,mum seems to think she will run out of cash!! Not asking or thousands,only a little help and support.
Have got on the council list but i,m not an urgent case they say!!
this situation is stupid,i,m in the lounge and mums in the kitchen, she goes down the sympathy road but i don’t fall for it,sorry but i’ve got more important issues to cope with. I don’t feel guilty at all,
thanks for your concern,
Lance x
Thanks Willy & all,
Sorry but my mum does not understand about B/C,she thinks its all cured but she will not accept that it’s there in my head constantly and also i still have to go for check-ups over the next 5yrs, shes not too good at taking things in,not nice to say i know but she’s not very bright.
I will be down the cab and council constantly to pester.
Thanks again,
Lance x
Lance,
Maybe you should show your mother this site and then maybe she will realise the true effects of being diagnosed with cancer.
Everyone on this site has suffered both physical and mental trauma as the result and it is essential to have support from those who should be close to them, namely family. There are plenty of blogs - that give individuals experiences and should bring you mother down to earth.
I know it is a long shot - but perhaps you should present this evidence to her. With my pragmatic head on, I can only suggest that she is frightened and does not want to acknowledge that her son has been seriously ill.
I don’t know whether your Breast Care Nurse would be willing to talk to her and explain. I would understand if she didn’t feel comfortable about that, but the Breast Care people are great.
I can’t help but feel that she needs to be given the information bluntly - so has no doubt.
Very sad to read your thread it is a very hard situation you are living through. Regarding your housing situation you could visit Shelter or CAB who I hope would be able to support you. One thing they may ask for is an eviction notice from your mother as this will make you a priority, not only this if your mother actually has to write down she wants you out it might make her think twice.
Also if you do live alone you may be eligible for more grants etc, I know the council/government seem to think if you live with family they should support you and you become non priority.
I too get angry with my family and I know they don’t understand totally, this cancer brings out some very deep strange thoughts and sometimes we have to explode. One thing for sure you are not alone with these feelings. I have to add that my children have also got angry with me for being ill (they do not realise this) they are so used to me fixing and sorting things. The diagnosis of cancer affects the whole family.
Parents sometimes think that children should help themselves before the parent will help them, this is true in normal situations. Perhsps if your mother thinks you are looking for somewhere to live she may be of more help both financially and with support. As a previous thread said she could be very frightened that her only child has a life threatening disease and this is not what should happen to one children. The MacMillan nurse may be able to offer some advice on counselling for you mum or you both.
I really hope you get through Christmas and wish you all the luck in the world, just wish I could offer more practical help.
Best wishes, take care, cyberhugs for you and your little girl x
I have tried the support from my cancer nurse but mum only listens to what she wants to,she does not take in the whole picture,
What makes me so angry with her is when she talks to total strangers in the street about all this, like ME !! and all HER problems and finances, i’m not being selfish but she is fitter than me,ok she lost my dad in the middle of last year and then i think she’s such a false person because SHE is the one that had an affair in her fifties and broke my dads heart. She can be so cruel in things she says, i know cancer gives us all mood swings but in one row she even blamed me for dads death saying it did’nt help with him worrying about me.
The way she thinks is that SHE is never at fault,i should say sorry to HER for things i say in rows,and why should she help me with anything.She has five grandchildren and even lets it be known to them that she has favorites,thats why i say she is cruel she does not realise the hurt she causes,all my older children say she is wrong and very selfish.
I know none of you can judge her because you don’t know her, but if it was me then i’m sorry but my kids will come first and i would go without to help them,my home would be open for them to return to if they had any problems in life, we bring them into this world so as long as we are still around we have an obligation to provide don’t we?
Sorry everyone but i think i’m going to have a C~~P xmas,
Lance xx
I have had to pause quite a while to think about what to add to this thread. Well it seems impossible. I am dumbfounded, I am not judging anyone, I just can not get my head round this problem you have. Of course you will not be thinking straight but I am sure your protective instinct for your girl will be heightened and I really hope your mum realises this.
I know you were in the army once, can the veterans organisations help you at all?
The only knowledge I have of homelessness is talking to those folks who sell Big Issue, I have never come across anyone with a young child with them. I wonder if Social Services will rely on your mum keeping your girl?
I can only offer you my thoughts and prayers (Sorry if you don’t believe but I do and I trust in that at the moment).
Hi Lance,
How are things?
If your mum gives you an ‘‘official’’ eviction letter you may be regarded as homeless…this doesn’t neccessarily mean the council will house you straight away but they be able to offer you at least B&B accomodation for you and your daughter until they can house you.
Would your mum not lend you enough money to be able to privately rent somewhere…I realise the initial outlay is usually two months rent upfront, but if you could get that you will no doubt be entitled to housing benefit to help with the rent.
Also could you not find a childcare place for your daughter…as she is over 3 she is entitled to a certain amount of hours free childcare…think at the moment it is 12.5 a week. for 38 weeks of the year…these have to be split to be sessional to setting.
The good thing with this site is you know your going to get the support even when it’s nothing to do with the old B/C,
My mum will not part with penny, (but she did to a solicitor!!) for my eviction.
I have made a few phone calls today for housing,shelter have been good,they say they can allocate worker to my case and approch the local council.I’m so aggresive with this breast cancer all my problems started when i got this ie: lost my partner,had to stop work for my daughter.
Can’t work at the moment hense calling myself xhgking, being a truck driver is long hours,no firm will employ you for a few hours a day. Not fair for Charley to be without me for so long in a day,plus for 10 to 12 hours a day it will cost a small fortune even if 75% is payed for.
Still i will let you all know how i get on,will keep you posted and thanks for all your support,
Lance xx
You are not burdening us, that’s what this site is all about being able to talk without being judged or explaining yourself to folks.
I am glad to hear that you have been able to start the ball rolling in getting support for housing.
I also think it is a really positive sign that you are aware of where the route of your problems lie, the loss of a partner, diagnosis and the temper being a part of the symptoms. The case worker maybe able to signpost you to further support.
With the news that by 2010 all single parents will be required to go back to work when children are 7 it would be interesting to know how your local MP sees this working for you in this situation, perhaps thats another line you can follow.
Your latest posting sounds more like the positive Lance that has been helping others over the last few weeks, I hope that we can all continue to support you.
Thanks Carol,
Just to let you know that i’m still in touch with my McMillan nurse and B/C care about my issue about promoting this awareness to men in the UK, they are very keen about my ideas and are backing me in this project.
It’s only early days i know but hopefully i will get it going in the new year.
At least it will give me somthing to do.
You never know you might see me in the Cambridgeshire area, if you do then PLEASE do come over and share a few thoughts with me,
Lance for the 12.5 hours a week for 38 weeks of the year you do not pay anything…you do not have to use all your free provision you can for example use 2.5 hours a day [which is classed as a session] or spread your allocation of 12.5 over 5 days…you would have to speak to a local childcare provider as to how they allocate…it may do your daughter good to spend time with children of her own age and take the pressure off you a little…by the way I work in a childrens day nursery thats is how I know about the government funding for 3 and 4 year olds every child in the country is entitled to this.