feeling low, need a hug

feeling low, need a hug

feeling low, need a hug Anyone out there? I am moaning again, I feel so fed up. As if BC wasn’t enough, I am having to deal with a very unreasonable and depressed husband who won’t seek help and it’s all coming to a head with me making plans to leave him. Have been posting about this on ‘family partners and friends’ forum too.

Went to bed late, hardly slept, up again early and he’s snoring away like a baby. I want to give him a good shake. Mind you if I did, I would have to join the que behind my 2 sisters who are chomping at the bit to sort him out.

So though I do still love him, I think for my own health ( I think stress played a major part in my BC initially), I need to be released from this stressful environment.

Of course as always money is playing a part, and his depression is causing him to refuse to work. Oh he says he’s looking for work but isn’t and the only jobs he’s applied for I have been involved with nudgeing him towards. He never reads the job page, goes to the job centre or surfs the web so how can he be looking for work as he claims? He has messed up the 2 job offers he had by not returning calls.

He is obviously anxious about his return to work. I understand this, so am I. The difference is, I have overcome my fears, even though I was shaking before entering my workplace building last wk to discuss my return. I did it and all was fine.

He has never responded to pressure or threats so I have been taking things gently but actually now I think this has made things worse. I wrote him a letter last night, got things off my chest. Left it out for him but of course he’s still in bed so I have now put it in my pocket and plan to talk to him yet again so wish me luck.

And another thing, he hasn’t even given me a hug for wks. Can anyone out there help? I really am at my wits end.

And to top it all, I have this dam dressing on my face from an op last wk and have been told not to get it wet , even tears (it’s right nr my eye) so really trying hard to be strong but crumbling a bit this am, probably lack of sleep is’nt helping either.


Dear Irene I am sorry to read you are having such a difficult time and just wanted to suggest that you may find our helpline useful to contact for further support and someone to talk to. The helpline is open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm on 0808 800 6000.

Kind regards
Forum Host
Breast Cancer Care

Electronic Hug What a lot to deal with…the illness is bad enough but the emotional crap that comes with it can be unbearable…

My partner was made redundant at Christmas and is (half-heartedly) looking for another job - surfing the net etc…I think he thinks he is doing me a favour by staying around, but other than the few days after chemo, I can handle the school runs etc. and even if I couldn’t, friends would step in. Guess I am saying that I am getting to the point where him not working is irritating me.

Is your husband bottling up his concerns for you - there is a good post on here about Disappearing Friends - it is a good insight into how people respond to us - many find it very hard.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your current situation and the very last thing you need at present is financial worries…

Please rant and moan all you like - get it off your chest…

Electronic hugs to you and fingers crossed things sort themselves out.


chin up irene Hi Irene

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Living with BC is hard enough as it is without all the other stuff that life keeps throwing at us. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier for you but sometimes there are no words. Even though as patients we are supposed to get all the help and support needed it doesn’t quite seem enough sometimes, so who knows what it’s like for husbands, partenrs, family and friends?
Do you find that sometimes whatever people say or do just isn’t the right thing and that nobody ever understands how you really feel?
i know that when i’m feeling really low and I tell my husband that I could quite easily give up he looks at me as if to say I am the most selfish person in the world. I now I have to carry on for him and the kids but it’s so hard some days. He really does try his best but when I’m that way out with the treatment etc he just cannot say or do anything right.
I’m sorry your husband is finding it hard to find work, maybe he fears not being around for you. The ‘man pride thing’ is totally different world.
Would he consider getting some professional advice?
Making a decision to leave him at this time is huge! Just be aware that your true emotions and feelings will be altered by everything that is going on at the moment. Ensure that you get all the advice you need first.
Good luck with everything.
Feel free to moan as much as you like.
Big hugs!

Oh Irene There seems to be so many husbands out there like this, mine has gone in to a depression. Im fed up with dealing with his worries and coping with chemo at the same time.

He keeps telling me “I dont know if you will be here next year” I say thanks I am fighting to stay alive and he has given up. We are arguing all the time as he lets my daughter walk all over us and lets her have sleepovers when I am not well enough to cope and if I say anything he just says “well you wanted everything as normal”, what does he class as normal ME DOING EVERYTING AND HE FEELING SORRY FOR HIMSELF

So I know what you mean - God give us help, my sister and mother feel the same way as your family - they want to tell him some home truths - but Ive told them to leave it the last time I told him off - he told me he was going to commit suicide.

Please take care of yourself - I think husbands just cant cope - they get very selfish

so put yourself first for once.


Sorry to hear Hi Irene,
Sorry to hear you are not feeling supported and in need of a hug.
sending you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) from cyberspace.

Its very difficult when you have so much to go through, I had a similar situation with my nearerst and dearest, its difficult. I was really ill with chemo at times, both at home and in hospital, but had to listen to moans and groans about illnesses, daily annoyances and trivia that my lot had-can tell you at times I could had hit them with a wet kipper, but didnt have the strenght!!!

It sounds as though you have had this problem for a while, maybe even before BC.

I would say, get yourself well and get all your energy back first, I have had too before I make any decisions about these sensitive issues.

No one can tell you what to do because its your life, but from my own personal view, I will be changing a few things when I am well and working at full speed. I will no longer suffer my families rant and negativities, will visit when I want to, will never be in touch with the nasty people(so called friends) that abandoned me in my time of need and I will go out of my way to do anything for my friends that did so so much for me both in helpful gestures and emotional support,true friends!

There are so many things I see diferently now and if I am to have a questionmark over the lenght of my life, (not negative, just realistic as Ca is a strange animal)I am not going to share my time or love with people who are not worthy…

oh where did that come from, feel so much better now and I hope you will do too. I hope that you have a good outcome, whatever you decide ,in your own situation.

lots of love


Sometimes its a no win situation until you erase certain people from your life …or rise above them, which in your case would be nigh impossible as he is everyday there in your face, wearing you down, looking for sympathy and literally draining you- if you let him! You need all your physcial and mental strength to get through at the moment. Don’t waste any of it on him.There are many like him and they show their true colours at times like this.Ignore him and look after yourself, and when you are fit and strong again get out there and live your life for yourself and for god’s sake get rid of the stranglehold he’s had on you!
Good luck getting there… and big hugs for the time being!
Josie x

For IreneM Hello Irene,
I’m new to the forum. Dx 17.04.07. I have posted in Newly Diagnosed with BC but after further imminent tests might be moving swiftly on to Secondary BC !

I have read back through your postings and am amazed at how far you’ve come and what difficult times you’ve been through.
Moving house and not being well is MORE than enough to test the most positive spirit. Adding lack of sleep and emotional upset to the equation would make the toughest of characters crumble.

You are entitled to be angry and at your wits end and I wish there was a simple remedy for your situation. I think you must be stronger than you think you are Irene.

I’m sure lots of forum users are thinking of you and wishing you well and sending lots of love and “hugs”.
Love for now, Dollybird, x

Hugs and advice! Cyberhug on its way Irene …

I’ve been following your story and I must say it sounds like hubby is using his depression as an excuse for reneging on his marital vows to be there for you in sickness and in health.

Before anyone thinks I’m being unsympathetic I should add that I am a depression sufferer myself. At its worse it can be debilitating. I’ve had episodes in the past where I’ve been unable to get out of bed. When I did it took me hours to figure out how to actually do it. I had to plan how I was going to get to the shower.

But that level of depression can be seen in everything from a person’s demeanor to his facial expressions. You don’t have to tell someone you are depressed when you are that bad; it is pretty obvious. Mostly, depression is a manageable illness which can be overcome with a bit of effort. It’s not quite a case of ‘snapping out of it’, but having a purpose and a routine does help. Many people - myself included - hold down jobs quite successfully. I’d go as far as to saying that work helps stop mild depression from spriraling into something worse. Antidepressants are also very effective in lifting mood and giving the sufferer an energy boost.

So please don’t let him away with that. The JobCentre now has a scheme in conjunction with the NHS where they will teach you ways to manage your illness within a work setting.

I completely understand your frustration. He may or may not be able to help how he feels and his inability to be there for you as much as he needs may be something he is struggling with but he has total control over this unwillingness to do anything about it. So, why is he digging his heels in and refusing to budge?

I think it is really sad that you have reached such an impasse that you have had to write a letter to your own husband.

I would be telling him that he needs to join you in couple counselling, otherwise he is effectively writing off the marriage.

You have done so much to try to save your marriage but it is a partnership and he has to meet you half way. So far I’d say it’s a D minus for effort from hubby.

Good luck.

Love and hugs

Lola x

I’d like to thank you all for your kind comments, and though I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, I am releived to see I am not alone. I do blaim BC for a lot of this recent behaviour but OH was awkward before and seems to have just returned to this stubborn state.

He wouldn’t talk yesterday and we visited family which gave us both a lift. He seems much happier today so I am about to leave for rads so am leaving him some reading matter. The info I found on depression (NHS website), plus our household accounts now showing a deficit, and a pack of jobs found on web and in local papaer. It’s a ‘Get yourself sorted pack’!

I am giving him time for it all to sink in and I will speak to him aftere I return from rads. It is his last chance.

Yes I am a strong person as has frequently been pointed out to me but even I can only take so much s**t.

Thanks again

Love Irene