Had my bone scan today. MRI next week and results - I hope - next Thurs. It is about 3 weeks since my WLE and lymph node removal. Originally I had been told the op and radiotherapy, maybe chemo, would sort this but they couldn’t get a clear margin so here I am waiting more tests and more results to see if it has spread anywhere else.
When I went for the results originally I thought I could cope with anything except a mastectomy. Then I was told I’d need a mx - assuming it hasn’t already spread. Outwardly I got over the mx news ok, and even allowed myself to think that I could cope with a double. But today I tried to do a bit of research - on this site mainly - to find out what is involved in a mx and I couldn’t read them at all. I am so scared. I can’t imagine looking down to where my E cups used to be and seeing nothing. I can’t cope with the idea of being sick and weak and helpless with chemo - I am such an independent person normally. I am still feeling some pain and discomfort from the WLE/lymph nodes and the mx will surely be so much worse - I don’t want to be in pain any more. And the idea that this thing might be anywhere else in my body is something I just can’t consider at all.
A couple of days ago I had a moment of absolute panic - not about the disease or the treatment - about something completely random. This is now the 3rd time this has happened since I got the diagnosis - each time, not related to the cancer. Not only do I have no control at all over what is happening to my body, I now feel like I am also losing my mind.
And because I have not started any treatment, other than the initial op, people keep telling how well I look. How do I tell them how crap I’m feeling - especially when I know this is going to get so much worse before it gets better?!
Sorry to rant. This seems like a good place to let off steam! Don’t expect any miraculous answers!
Hi MAC66
I’m sorry to read you’re having such a tough time at the moment. Whilst you are waiting for the other users to reply with their experiences and support you might find it helpful to talk things through with a member of staff on the BCC helpline. Here you can share your feelings and concerns with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as emotional support and practical information. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and lines are open weekdays 9 to 5pm and Saturday 10 to 2pm.
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
Please don’t worry about mastectomy. I had one two years ago and was surprised how painless it was. I didn’t experience any pain at all. I took painkillers but don’t even know if I needed them. It was fine, not nearly as bad as I had imagined beforehand.
Hi. It sounds like you are going through a truly tough time. I had a mastectomy 4 weeks ago. Initially a lumpectomy was discussed but then an MRI showed that the area of DCIS was much larger than expected and was not going to allow a WLE that looked acceptable. Like you initially the thought of a mastectomy filled me with dread. I opted for reconstruction with an implant and didn’t google images. I waited to see the photos that the Breast Surgeon shared with me. I was pleasantly surprised and even more pleasantly surprised when the first dressings were removed a few days after my operation. The pain has not been a problem and whilst I know that there is a journey ahead to complete the reconstruction I am very relieved that I made the decision.
This journey is so scary - you have to take one small step at a time., You will get through this - we all have and we are here for any moans or questions you may have. A mx is not as scary as you think, there are so many options there and I am sure you can keep your original size. The scars fade in time if you apply bio oil etc and after a while you don’t even notice them. As for Chemo - yes that is not a pleasant experience, but if you join one of the Chemo monthly threads - you will go through it all at the same as other people, and you can swap stories and moan away to your hearts content. This forum is a lifeline when you are going through treatment and you are talking to women who really understand what you are going through. Sending you a big hug.
K M x
I think the other wise ladies have said it all mac66. Its tough but doable. I had MX . September and have 6 more weeks if chemo to go. Its a long haul but this forum and helpline are a lifeline. Rant away to your hearts content, we’ve all done it and we all understand.
Look at reconstruction options if that will help you accept it more, it did me. Also look at support groups at your hospital or hospice, nothing locally to me but other ladies have had wonderful support.
Remember your surgeon is the expert and will offer you what’s best for you. X