Hi
Feeling really sad, have been for days, and cant seem to shake it off or stop crying! wonder if its arimidex thats making me think like this? …
its all because after 4 and half years of being with my partner i was hoping we’d be engaged to be married and still nothing so i guess he obviously doesnt want to marry me so i wonder if i should stay (i have hinted an awful lot as well! how much it would mean to me).
its not that simple tho to move on and i also do love him so much and he is so good to me …i have had bc since '03, with 4 recurrences over the years and last year had bilateral mast and didnt and wont have recon and absolutley hate my body now and would never ever feel confident with anyone else so its my partner or the rest of my life of being a nun.
so this is y im feelin so low and sad, i thought this morning oh i will tell him how i feel, best deal with it, so i did, to find out that he was goin to actually ask me last week! but he didnt get round to it, then also said hes been meaning to do it for the last year! now you can imagine how that made me feel, even worse - wondering whats holding him back? i just dont get it. is it because i am now a freak with no boobs? because i cant have children? because its not worth it as who knows how long ive got? because im hormonal even tho i dont have any ovaries!??
i dont know, i know i should be and normally am really really happy and i am lucky as he is just amazing but i just want to get married and be normal and happy - i know he loves me but i want more! and its eating me up and making me so sad that nothin ever happens and i feel so insecure about myself and body. he told me not to be so silly but i cant help it, and now i feel that if he asks me over the next few weeks its from my prompting which is not how i want it to be. so i cant win!
i blame the arimidex for the mood swings, and lack of security just wish my body could understand and not be influenced by it!!!

Oh zippy, I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. I am not in a position to offer any helpful advice as I am a lot older and have spent my life alone. But there will be many ladies who will reply to you and help you through this. Hang on in there.
Margaret
HI Zippy
I am so sorry to read that you are feeling so sad, although of course it is very understandable. Emotional swings can result from Arimidex and if it continues you might want to talk to your doctor about it. It sounds as though you have a loving man by your side, who has stood by you through these horrid years of diagnosis, recurrences and treatment. But still you have a lot of sadness to cope with - breast cancer, double mastectomies and not being able to have children. It can’t get much tougher.
Just one little thought about something that comes over loud and clear from what you have written. Your self-esteem and feelings about your body are at a very low ebb at the moment, and I wonder if this is something that it might help to talk over with a counsellor. You have written that “it’s your partner or being a nun” - this somehow gives the impression that you feel that if your partner doesn’t want you, no one else would - does that translate into messages (however unspoken) to your partner along the lines of - you’d better marry me, because no one else would. If you are giving out that message, how do you think that would make your partner feel?
What I’m trying to say, is that if you can work on your self esteem, you will be doing yourself a huge favour, and doing your relationship a huge one as well. Instead of getting married because you feel vulnerable and insecure and needy, you would be getting married because you are committing to an equal, loving relationship where you want to spend the rest of your lives together. There’s a subtle difference there, and I wonder if some of these issues are what is holding your partner back. Can you imagine some future row if you said to him “you only married me because you felt sorry for me”. You would hate that. I may be completely wrong, and speaking completely out of turn - if so please forgive! I do hope you can work this all out between you - you might even want to have a few sessions with Relate to help see where your relationship is going. The very best of luck to you. Sarah x
hi naunamh and seabird
thank you both for your kind messages - yes seabird you are right by boosting my self esteem will (has) help (ed).
i have had somethin miraculous happen and its really helped - i decided to have hynotherapy on saturday and the lady altho a little scary knew exactly how i was feeling and it was almost like a counselling session! and she hypnosed me and gave me a hypnotherapy tape and some words to read to myself everyday which i have been following and amazingly i feel like a completely different person! and not worried at all about my body or my partner and its has improved my relationship no end. and everything is good! 
goin again in couple of weeks to hypnotherapy - it was just amazing to feel this way so soon - wished id gone years ago!!!
