Feeling scared, guilty, weak and more

Ref subject: wife, had lumectomy for ductal now they find lobular +++

I feel so bad starting this topic but am sure I can’t be the only one feeling like this!

Guilty, because I feel I need help with all this and yet it is not me who faces all the treatment.
Guilty because I love my wifes breasts and don’t want them gone.
Guilty because I have told her I am feeling bad, when its me that should be supporting her.

Weak because I can’t see how I will manage with all that will come.
Weak because I am scared.
Weak because my own health issues are playing up and yet are nothing compared!
Weak because when she is scared I feel so helpless.
Weak because I can’t do anything to make it all go away.
Scared because I don’t know what the next bomb shell will be on April the 4th.
Scared because I can’t face the idea of loosing her!
Scared that she will be in more pain.

Stupid because I am very slightly apprehensive about getting married LOL after all we have been together for 17 years, whats going to change!

Ah, what a flippin mess I am tonight.

Sorry, probably just need a slap LOL

You’re not alone mate. And you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.

My partner (vertangie on this site) was diagnosed at the beginning of the year and underwent a double mastectomy a few weeks ago. So, OK, I’m still pretty new to this whole business of supporting a loved one while they go through dealing with a life-threatening disease, but I think I’m starting to get the hang of it.

Of course you need help with this, of course you need people to talk to. That’s because you love her.

I miss my wife’s breasts, but I would miss her smile soooo much more. Seriously, breasts are great, but they’re not actually important. Not in the scheme of things. Not important like laughter, not important like looking into her eyes.

She’s worrying about you and how you’re dealing with all this almost as much as much you’re worrying about her. You have to talk to her about how you’re feeling and how you’re coping if you don’t want her worrying more.

You’re not weak, it’s just that none of us know how damn strong we are until we’re tested. If you’d asked me six months ago how I would cope with all this, I wouldn’t have come close to guessing how I feel now. Sh*t happens. We cope.

You’re not helpless. If you can be her rock, if you can stick with her and support her through this, if you can talk to her when she’s scared and stay up with her all night when she can’t sleep, if you can keep your sense of humour and make her laugh when she’s low, you’re a long way from helpless.

The waiting for results/news is always the worst part. Whatever the outcome, knowing is whole heap better than the not knowing.

Speaking as someone who’s also facing a wedding (after only 14 years in our case), it turns out that apprehensive is actually a vital ingredient of the whole getting married thing. If you’re not apprehensive, you don’t fully understand the situation… :wink:

(edited by moderator)

This too shall pass…


Just wanted to say that your post really touched me and to say that no you don’t need a slap you deserve a big hug :slight_smile:

I am sure that many husbands, wives, partners, and family go through some of these feelings at some point, we all need help to get through these tough times.

Bless you for sharing them

Thanks Val

I think you should tell your wife how you feel, i have been married for almost 17 years and i was screaming last night at my husband because he has never told me he is scared of losing me or his feelings about my breast cancer, he has stuck his head in the sand, and somedays it makes me feel like he just doesnt care

And wife’s too Val!!

Mike, I’m sorry that you feel so afraid. The best thinjg that you can do is to be supprtive, to be helpful, to be considerate and to recognise that people going through this treatment sometimes get a biit selfish. I don’t mean that badly. What I mean is that the consequences of BC treatment mean that we tend to do what we want and are able to. That might not be what you expect but that’s the way I dealt with it. I tended to do what I wanted to, said no more often and fell into a pattern of coping that suited me. My lovely wife looked after me with such care and attention. I remembe that part very well.

Remember too, that it’s sometimes wasted effort thinking of what might happen, it might not. So, those thoughts might be taking up too much of your time and that wasted time could be put to better use. Your own health is important too. The better you feel the more that you can help others.

I do hope things improve for you and I hope all will be well.

Take care.


Hi Mike

Read your post yesterday and wasn’t quite sure what to write so had a bit of a think… you blokes are sooooo different to us chemo chicks!

Well - I’ve decided to keep it brief - unusual for me - might end up rambling … if you’re unlucky!

… here it is …

… these are some … there may be more …

  1. This is not a competition. By that I mean you do not have to judge your behaviour against anyone elses OR even worse aginst some ideal that does not exist
  2. The most anyone can hope from your is your best - it doesn’t matter how good or bad you think you are doing -if it’s your best then that’s good enough - no-one can ask for more
  3. Accept that you are not in control - no-one is - my husband appears to be overcontrollng his pants and socks to compensate!!
  4. My OH has taken this far worse than I have. This is quite normal it’s just that blokes rarely admit it.I honestly think I’m not about to snuff it yet. The other day I realisd that my OH is desperately worried about this - he has a fear of pneumonia (why???) and that’s why whenever I sit down I get handed hot watter bottles and blankets. I hadn’t realised how worried he was until one day it dawned on me and so I asked him quite casually and he burst into tears. We were driving at the time - won’t be doing that one again. YOU DO NEED HELP - it’s just a question of where is the best place to get it ?

THE BEST YOU CAN DO (in my humble opinion)

  • Make the most of each day - by this I mean enjoy each other - little things like cups of coffee in the garden with the cat or whatever you like doing - I don’t mean you have to make the most of it as she’s not got long!!!
  • Do your best and accept that’s all you can do
  • If you need to let it all out and are worried about dumping on her then keep writing on here - that’s what I do. I realised very rearly on that my sharing any worried with him put him in a complete spin so I just ramble on on here for hours … does me the world of good - you sound like you need to share so find the best place - it will help
  • Let her know you care - which I’m sure you do anyway from the sound of it

That’s it!

Good luck
Lots of hugs
FizBix xx

Sorry Bill

Quote :- And wife’s too Val!!

You are quite right Bill, my apologies, will edit my post as i am annoyed with myself for my oversight.


Thanks Val - my terrible punctuation!! - but you know what I mean.



Thanks very much, I will try to take on the suggestions.
Guess I am not as alone as I have been feeling :slight_smile:


For mikeseeking and tommym

I have put below the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it Together’ which is aimed at partners of those diagnosed with breast cancer. You can either download a copy or order a copy on line. Hope this helps.

Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

Thanks Jo, I will look at that shortly.

Mike :slight_smile:

Hi Mike
My husband was diagnosed with breast cancer in Aug 07. I have experienced all the guilty, scared and weak feelings you list and still find it difficult to think positively. The waiting is so hard, now he has finished chemo and rads he has to wait 6 weeks for another scan to check out some tiny marks on lung and hip. Do you have anyone else to talk things through with. I find it hard with many people as I feel that I have to protect them however I regularly go into work and have a meltdown with good friends there. Don’t keep feeling bad about what you are going through. I thought people would think I was selfish but I have come to realise recently that they don’t at all. I do still feel quite alone as breast cancer is so much rarer in men and would like the opportunity to communicate with another female partner.
Best wishes Wendy.

Thanks Wendy

My best to your hubby.

I guess we are all lost in the dark with this, thank god for the little bits of light like this place!

Hi Mike
First of all, you’re simply feeling what most husbands/partners feel when their loved one gets the diagnosis. I had all the emotions you describe. And more.

Helplessness. Because I’d always thought of it as my job to protect her from harm, and this was one thing I couldn’t protect her from.

Anger. Pure, unadulterated, totally irrational, anger. This was first felt (although NOT manifested, I hasten to add!), against the consultant who gave us the diagnosis because my lovely, beautiful wife didn’t even have BC until he told us she did. Therefore, he GAVE her it. Well, I did say it was irrational. And, walking around the town centre during my lunch breaks, in the immediate aftermath of the diagnosis, I couldn’t understand why peple were going about their lives as though nothing was the matter. Why the hell were they laughing and joking?

There’s a lot you’ll have to help her through mate. And, there are times when she’ll be the one holding YOUR hand, and reassuring YOU.
You’ll probably have you dark, cathartic moments, in the middle of the night when you hold each other, and cry.
And there’ll be moments when you make stupid, innappropiate comments and you’ll both laugh. My wife calls this ‘Tumour Humour’.

I’m glad that she has you to help her through her BC; my heart goes out to those people who have to endure it themselves. Just hold her hand and tell her…well, you know the rest.

All the best.


Thanks mate, I know the feeling very well that you describe when you see others getting on with life!

I have had to nurse her through many traumatic times as the Hidradenitis can cause this, but I have never experienced anything like this.
Or seen the reaction when you do tell others! that jaw drop moment when they too feel so helpless!
I will be there for her.

How is your wife now?