Hie (to anybody)
Just feel I need to get this anger out from inside of me, but don’t know how. Iam not very good at crying because it just makes me even more madder!!!
Started of with a pea size lump last year in my right breast. Dr’s not concerned then fobbed off, told I was too young to have BC. No biopsies or mammogram done. 12months down the road lump was the same size of the breast. Official diagnosis confirmed 6 weeks ago. Have since had full node clearance and mastectomy, due to start chemo and have been told to have radiotherapy afterwards as tumour was massive (not surprised as I have had it for a year)!
The bit of good news is that it is oestrogen positive and all my axillary nodes were clear, but will still need the full works as it was a big tumour and the fact I am 33 years old.
I am raging inside, I am so ANGRY with my local hospital, I feel so let down and neglected. I have written an official letter of complaint and have been informed that they are “looking into the matter”. I though I was over the anger but I can’t seem to get past it. I know its no body’s fault that I have this BC curse, but I just feel that someone didn’t do their job properly. This shouldn’t be me, this is not what I had planned for me this year. I thought things were going my way for a change, I thought I had it together. I was doing well in my job, getting the financial recognition that I deserve, my little boy was settling well in school and we had finally saved up enough to purchase our first home… So many things were just right.
I have always been bright and bubbly. the crazy friend who makes everybody laugh, the best person to be around in a crisis. I know I need some sort of counselling but I can’t bring myself to trust anybody since my diagnosis. To me the health professional don’t really care, I feel they are just there doing their jobs, I am one of many, there’s nothing special about me. i am just another female with BC and I just need to buckle down and get on with it.
My friends and family and work people have all been as great as they could be. They all think I am an inspiration, because I am “so brave and positive” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH That’s what I feel like saying. But hey that’s me I can’t let the side down I just have to cope.
All the hospitalstaff I have dealt with since the diagnoses are lovely, but then i feel why burden them with my trivial nonsense. Because I don’t break down and cry everyone assumes I’m fine when actually I’m not!!!
Have been keeping a journal which has helped me get this far. Had my first visit to an oncology centre where it really freaked me out that this is HAPPENING TO ME!!!