Before BC I was so happy. Didn’t think so at the time of course, but compared to now I was. My life has taken yet another turn, with me making plans to move out of the marital home and into rented accom.
I am living with a man that shows me absolutly no affection and seems to not care a jot for me emotionally, or physically.
I know he isn’t completly to blame. He, like most men is a simple soul. He has always been the same. The fact that I now do not allow him to be emotionally abusive towards me causes more rows, daily ones, and less tolerance (from me). I simply don’t wish to pussy foot around him and his needs any longer. BC has made me feel like this i am sure.
All this isn’t new to me, but in the past it was all so emotive. Now, I am not upset, tearful etc, just resigned to the fact I am, not prepared to live with a man who clearly doesn’t love me any more. I just need to find a place to live nr my kids, no mean feat as they live in an expensive part of the country. And plan the finances so I can manage on 2 days pay.
I am now more sad that the holiday fund will be needed to pay my rent, at least until the house is sold. Yes I am sad really. Sad to miss out on family gatherings as a couple, sad to have to sell the house, split the money, and lose security. But so happy that the decision is made and the move is going to happen.
Irene
My heart goes out to you. Just from your posting on here it is so clear that you are hurting so much you are confused and very scared about the future.
I can’t go into detail but how i know that feeling of a hubby who doesnt care in an affectionate or emotional way. Fortunately mine does care in a practical way but makes me aware of it everyday. i gather that is what you mean by physical, providing for you.
2months before Dx we were splitting up and i spent the month before traipsing around looking for somewhere to live. Its a very complicated story but i am still here and just as you know celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary. Am I happy??? I do not know but it is the security i have settled for.
It was lovely to meet you a few weeks ago. I always feel that God brings people along into our lives for a reason.
I know its hubbys family who are Liverpool based so you may want to ‘run’ from here but i would love to chat and listen. blimey we have BC don’t we deserve life to be simple and easy and nice?? Unfortunately it isnt.
here for you. I can phone you but will wait for you to contact me.
Ruthxxx
Irene
How I feel for you, I too spent years in a loveless marriage, emotionally abused and always with the threat of physical abuse. Seven years ago I started the divorce proceedings and I don’t regret a moment of it. I will not pretend it was all plain sailing, but I have come through. It took a long, long time though to heal from the abuse, but even the scars are fading now!
I own my own little flat - no palace, but all mine. You say that where your family are it costs more for accommodation - try looking on righmove.co.uk for places in a wider area, you might be surprised. You are about to open a fresh, new chapter in your life - there is a whole new world out there, go for it, reach out with both hands and let the hurts fall behind you.
hugs for you Irene, the hardest part is making the decision, and you have done that. No excuses for his behaviour, no regrets, just a new life ahead. Oh, and don’t be in any rush for a new relationship, you really do need the time to heal and discover the new, improved you!
Like lots of others I’m ‘here’ for you when you feel down.
I went to Church a couple of weeks age, I hadn’t been for quite a few years as I ‘fell out with God’, long before BC may I add. Anyway I was talking to someone and telling her about Sarah’s separation and she said that you often find on looking back that although it is horrible at the time you can on reflection see that it was for the best. I later found out that she was talking from personal experience.
I’m sorry you are feeling so low. The sadness, frustration and fear for the future seeps through your email. I think I know something of how you feel because I was in a very similar situation some 15 years ago. I was in a marriage where my husband was emotionally abusive, even now I’m not sure whether his actions were intended but over the years he sapped my self confidence and feelings of self worth. As so often happens, it took a crisis to bring things to a head. He couldn’t cope and I couldn’t cope with him. I finally drummed up the courage to separate and I can honestly say I have never regretted it, my only regret is that I didn’t have the strength to do it years earlier.
You may feel you are stepping out of your ‘safety zone’ but this could be the start of a very much happier future. You may find that life after BC is more fulfilled than the life your had before.
I’ve read your recent posts and feel so sad for you, I’m so sorry to hear you’re so unhappy.
I can’t speak from personal experience, but what I will say is that I do know of several women who have been in a similar position to yourself, and have stayed with their partner purely for financial reasons, or that they are to scared to go it alone. Needless to say, they are “stuck” in a loveless, unhappy marriage.
It takes a lot of guts to admit things are wrong, and although you probably don’t want to hear it, I think you’re a very brave and strong woman to decide that “enough is enough” and to do something about it.
Irene, I wish you all the very very best for your future.
I too was very unhappy for many, many years and had the courage to leave the family home last year. I was quite happy on my own in my little flat. The wham ! I got this horrible BC. I was actually going to ring the solicitors on the week when I got the diagnosis so I never made that call. I went home every night from work on my own and looking back I don’t know how I did it - but I did.
My husband said he wanted to look after me. So it was arranged that after surgery I would come back to the marital home. I thought I would only be here for about 3 weeks and I would be fine. I believe everything happens for a reason. We are back together but not in the full sense. We are in separate bedrooms and he has looked after me marvellously. I am not sure how things will work out and take every day as it comes but for now we are okay.
It’s been an interesting weekend. I trawled through the property pages and contacted estate agents about accom for me to move out but everything is so expensive. We also had a visit from some in laws who we are both very close to and they are fun and always give us both a lift.
It was just what I needed to jolt me out of the miserable mood I was in, him too. It allowed us to communicate to each other and we have come up with an agreement. I will simple walk away from him when he starts with his moods. I know this may not be as easy as it sounds, but I have already done it yesterday and it worked. It takes a fair bit of self discipline from me and as yet he isn’t really doing anything different so I am not convinced it will def work, but at least I am giving it ago.
When I walk away it gives him the message that he has upset me without me saying so which is often the catalist for a row. It gives him time to think about what he has said and time is what he needs. I know I will never get him to apologise when he has upset me because he never really has (he did once on a holiday abroad when he abandoned me in a strange town after a disagreement, not even a row, to pay the restaurant bill and make my way back to our appartment, he met me coming back and was sooo sorry then, but I don’t remember any other occasion).
I decided that although my life with him had become very miserable, I still had too much to lose, house, contact with his family who I love, and security, not to mention holidays! If I live alone, I will barely be able to pay bills, let alone have holidays. So the answer is to manage the situation, not walk out on it. I hope he realises how much effort this is taking from me and responds. I know he can do this, he has in the past. When I got BC he was like another person for a few wks, so lovely, so he can when he wants to.
Anyway, my life will go on and be full. If he gets to me again, I will simply go visit friends or family on my days off (I only work part time now). Watch this space.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, I was thinking about you earlier today.
You are obviously giving this lots of effort and I am glad to hear you have become stronger in communicating your needs and feelings. Well done. I was pleased to hear you had a good weekend and that the in-laws were able to cheer you both up.
Take care
Carol
Hi Irene,
I’m really glad you have reached a decision you feel happy with, and that you are making a change in the way you respond to him. You probably find it hard to believe, but you are worth fighting for! He has no right to treat you in this hurtful way.
You stick to your guns and find sources of support for yourself, be that friends, family or professionals. It’s funny how having BC makes you realise what’s important, isn’t it?
I wish you all the very best in this brand new phase of your life. Go out and grab it and enjoy your choices.
love Jacquie