I am so down today, can’t stop crying. Keep seeing stories about women who don’t make it and I am just *so* scared. Just want everything to be ok *sob*
I have just had a look through at your past comments, am I right that you were diagnosed mid December? I was exactly the same a month ago but not so bad since surgery oddly. Having said that, I’ve been in tears unexpectedly twice today! Hope by the time you read this you’re feeling a little better xx
Ali
I am so sorry you are having such a bad day. I know exactly how you feel. I too have times when the world makes me want to curl up and cry. I wish I could tell you how to make it all better. I only know for me I have come to terms with having bad times and allow myself to go away and hide when I need to. This forum has been my lifeline. The ladies here are all going through the same stuff and offer so much support and helpful information. Just know that you are not alone and keep using the forum.
Jan
I agree Jan, I wish I had found this forum right from the beginning a month or so ago!
Xx
Hi all,
For the super savvy there is a great publication by Cordelia Galgut -Emotional support through breast cancer, an alternative guide that you can download. I am less savvy and bought the hard copy. I will find the link.
LL xx
I have felt exactly the same way as you and convinced myself I will be one of the unlucky ones, but the down days do pass and you pick yourself up again. I also find tears come when I least expect it. The early days after diagnosis andcwaiting for results are the worst. I finally got the full picture after double mx, and lymph clearance, two ops and a very long wait and I feel much better knowing exactly what was going on and the treatment plan. Take support from friends and family and use this forum to help you through. It is a wonderful place to get advice, reassurance and support.
i hope you feel better today, Claire xxxxx
Why did I have to be diagnosed at a time when everything shuts down? I want to be speaking to a consultant and oncologist etc. I know I have a grade 2 type but when I went back to the hospital, I didnt look at my mammogram to see the extent as I was in so much shock, I didnt ask any questions other than say I dont want to die. I am currently waiting on lymph node analysis and it’s making me sick with worrying. I just cant switch off. FFS!
Hi Ali-B!! I understand how you are feeling!! I was diagnosed end of November and just had my lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy on Christmas Eve!! It is a very frustrating time to be diagnosed with everything shutting down for Christmas but things will start moving for you soon I am sure!! As Sarah says being in limbo land and waiting is excruciating but is part of our journey and we have to go with it!! I have to wait another week for my results to see if the surgeon got clear margins and if it is in my lymph nodes and then if I need more surgery, chemo, etc, so you are not alone in your waiting, there are many of us out there in a similar situation!! I am in Australia so come on here at different times but please let us know how you are going!! Linda xx
Thank you Butterfly and all who have responded. I am in a more settled place now but I am still angry and scared that I find myself in this situation. I find it hard to go out and just want to stay indoors in my pyjamas! I have my next appointment on the 30th Dec to discuss the next steps but I am also scared of what they might say. I want this thing out of me ‘asap’. There is so much I want to say but I cant seem to find the words to say it. Take care All xxx
Hi Ali-B
Do you have a trusted friend or partner to go with you to be your extra pair of ears ? when i was in this limbo land i tried writing all my questions to yes or no answers, not always possible, but it gave me and my pal something to jog our memories… the team are there to get the best outcome for you. Ask all your questions x
LL xx
Hi Ali-B. Don’t discount how effective denial can be!! Sometimes it’s the only way I can cope with my dx and prognosis!
I was dx with primary angiosarcoma in the breast in October after a missed diagnosis in July 2014. Angiosarcoma is very rare and difficult to treat and my emotions have been all over the place in the past few months including going to all the dark places you have also visited, but mostly angry at the length of time it was left to grow and possibly travel. My family and friends have been brilliant as have the incredible women on this forum, and I am finding my way step by step. I support young people affected by grief and loss and, after years of training and practice, thought I had a pretty good understanding of how it felt. What I hadn’t fully understood is how multi-layered the grieving process is and how quickly we can flip between feelings and back again. One image I hold onto through all of this is the waterfall analogy that’s often used to begin to put into words how shock and initial grief can feel… Life was like a lazy river until it suddenly fell off a cliff and we were plunged, terrified, into the white water at the bottom of the waterfall. Keeping our heads above water can seem impossible at this point, but eventually, we move towards the water at the edge, further away from the turbuence, until one day we leave the pool at the bottom of the waterfall and are in a completely different river.
I had a radical mx 26/11 and the next step is onc appointment 8/1 as the MDT recommend rads due to only 0.5mm clear margin at the outer edge of the tumour. The waiting is very hard, like being forcibly kept in the white water at the bottom of the waterfall and I’ve had plenty of meltdowns. I’ve found the best thing for me is to keep busy and limit internet browsing. I’ve returned to some of my less intense exercise classes and am doing all the household jobs I was doing before the op which make me feel like ‘me’ again and give some structure to the day. So anything that feels ‘normal’ helps me and allows me to use bucketfuls of denial to get through to the next appointment/scan/test. I hope you are finding ways to get through and that the support on here is as helpful for you as it has been for me.
Hugs, Tat
Hi all having total meltdown today.
Not sure why though I am waiting for post surgery results. This is now week 4 only 1 more week to wait! Don’t know why I picked today to do this have 2 daughters and their partners for Christmas dinner this afternoon. Full 3 courses including goose! I have tried to sort myself out but keep crying. I sure pick times to have a wobble.
Thank goodness for this forum feeling better just having voiced my thoughts.
Sure I will feel brighter soon.
X
I found out today that any possible surgery may not happen for 3-4 weeks. I don’t think I can wait that long and am looking into the possibility of going private via my works’ scheme. Does anyone else have any experience of having to make these kinds of decisions? I know I’ll find out more tomorrow but *grrr* nonetheless. :-/
Thanks tat
Bit more in control. Family are great, husband is chief chef anyway. Girls already been told they are responsible for clear up so should be fine. Just feeling so fragile today. Only 1 more week to wait!
Jan
Had a great afternoon /evening with Christmas dinner mark2. So relaxed and entertaining. Feeling soooo much better tonight (though it might be the wine and an excellent port- with my cheese naturally).
Thanks for being there for me .
Jan x
Got my appt this morning for whatever comes next. I my guts are churning with nerves and I have a long list of questions to ask. I feel very angry that I didnt notice my lump early enough as they are talking mastectomy because of the tumour size in comparison to my breast size (am only a b/c cup). I am sick of this limbo place. I was diagnosed on the 18th and still waiting on ‘the plan’ due to the holidays, meanwhile this thing is still inside me threatening my health. I am trying to be strong but I just feel so useless.
Ali B xx
PS: so many others are just enjoying this inbetween time leading up to NY but I am in this place. It makes me feel so bitter 
Good luck with your appointment Ali, hope it makes you feel more settled xx
Just waved goodbye to my overnight visitors (we first met at school 38 years ago!) and hopped on here to check how everyone is. Do please update us Ali when you feel able to. We’re here for you x
Jan, I hope you’ve had a good day today and have some things planned to get through til your results appointment next week. I arrived a couple of minutes late and flustered at mine having allowed over an hour for a half hour journey - Christmas shopping traffic, grrr!. I forgot lots of the questions I wanted to ask. I now have an appointment with my sarcoma consultant on 11th Jan so can go through the histopathology report with him line by line.
SLou and Margy, how are you both getting on, almost 1 week post mx now? Kim and Cs66 - would be good to hear how you are doing too.
Hugs to all, Tat x
Hi all, I do feel more settled for talking at length to my consultant. I havent had all the results back yet but they will be having their dept consultant meeting tomorrow (where they talk about all their cases) to see if they want to do some extra lymph node tests. My initial biopsy was clear but they had a question mark about some of them. I will probably have a mastectomy mainly because I’m not so well-endowed *blush* and so it they just removed it, I’ll be lopsided. They can only really make the final judgements about radio/chemo/both/etc when you have surgery so the plan can change despite what they are thinking at the moment. I feel strangely more in control and confident in their positivity. It was a good ‘bonding’ session with the team and I’m glad for it. BBFN. Ali-B xx