Hi ladies, I am really upset about something and need to share it with someone who will understand. I went to a large shopping centre with my OH today. I was getting some cash from the ATM and when I walked back to join him he was laughing to himself. I asked what he was laughing at and he said “I was just watching those young lads, they are desperate to walk past that girl there”. When I looked to where he was pointing there was a lovely young girl wearing a revealing push up bra giving out leaflets - she was obviously advertising the lingerie department in one of the stores.
Firstly, we weren’t even going to walk that way so there was no need for me to see her but he made sure I saw her by pointing her out. Also, I felt like he was being insensitive telling me how excited these young lads were by this girl’s breasts when he knows I have only got one now! (Not that I looked like her when I had two!) And it was if he was letting me know he had been ogling her too! I can’t understand why he was so insensitive because he has always been really supportive of me and my decision not to have a reconstruction. It is the first time since I had my mx three and a half years ago that I have doubted my decision not to have a reconstruction and I suddenly feel inferior to other women.
Thanks for letting me share this. Do you think I am being over sensitive? Perhaps because my mx isn’t an issue to him he didn’t realise what he was doing.
Love
Maude xx
Hiya maude,
I am no expert on the male psyche… But I am sure your husband thought nothing of his conversation, as I’m sure he has no idea of how you were interpreting the discussion.
I got a txt from a friend, and I’m going to paraphrase it a bit. Hope that’s ok…
Girl and boy sitting in car. The girl turns and says to the boy… Hard to believe it’s a year since we started dating… The boy looks at her strangely and doesn’t say anything.
Girls thoughts… Omg, I shouldn’t have said anything, he’ll think I’m coming on too strong, what if he dumps… Omg what have I done… .?
Boys thoughts… A year, is it a year? That means I’ve had this car for a year, I better get an mot…
Hope you don’t think I’m belittling how you feel, in any way. I just always
refer to this When I am a bit puzzled by male behaviour. Because he’s been so supportive and loves as much as he ever did… I’m sure… It wouldn’t enter his head that you were feeling insecure… Men huh…
Love elli xx
Hi Maude
Sorry to read that you were hurt by your husband’s comments. Tis a pity he was a bit tactless but he probably didn’t even think about it, just admiring a good looking girl and mainly laughing at the boys who were desperate to impress.
I’ve only recently had a mastectomy with no recon so probably haven’t had time to hear any thoughtless remarks from OH.
Should the day arrive that he is tactless I will remind him of the day he tossed a coin with a sparrow (to see who was getting the best legs) and he lost. He’s well over 6ft. sparrow’s legs, sunken chest, milk bottle glasses and a limp, but I wouldnt change him - unless of course Richard Gere just happened to fall head-over-heels for me, oh that man is so good looking.
I’m 65 and I can still look at and admire a good body (both male and female) doesn’t mean I’m lusting after them, just that it’s nice to see someone young who is obviously enjoying life.
If you are still feeling hurt tell him, don’t keep it to yourself. I’m sure he will understand your sensitivity.
I think you’re probably right when you suggest he didn’t realise what he was doing because your mx isn’t an issue to him. My husband chose a time when I was feeling particularly fragile - six weeks into chemo and hairless - to suggest I could get a tattoo on my bald head, then laughed merrily at his own joke. I burst into tears and told him I was already feeling fat, bald and unfeminine and this didn’t help at all and he looked completely perplexed. I still want to throttle him at least twice daily but honestly he is a kind, supportive and caring man
Oh ladies, thank you so much for your replies. They have made me feel so much better. You are all right - I am pretty certain he didn’t realise that he had hurt me and would be devastated if he knew. I think I am going to find a way to let him know I was upset but not in a confrontational way and not saying HE upset me but that the situation upset me (if that makes sense).
I think it just shocked me how much it affected me, I suppose we all go along thinking everything is ok and then these things happen to remind us what a horrible disease bc is.
Thanks and lots of love
Maude xx
ps thanks for making me laugh too - I needed it!
Elli, great joke, and SOOO true!
Maude, I’m glad you feel a bit better about it, and very sensible to recognise that it was the situation, and not your husband, that upset you. I’m sure that IF he had been doing any comparing, he would have realised it would be best to keep his mouth shut, so I really think he wasn’t doing anything of the sort.
Well done for coming on here to talk it over, too. That can take a bit of courage too. But you know we understand.
CM
x
Something happens with this cancer s*** - we become extra sensitive… but not in the way many people interpret that phrase.
I think we develop heightened sensitivity to other people’s ‘innocent’ remarks and body language, and so learn how a seemingly innocuous act can upset other folk and WE try not to do it. But your OH hasn’t developed that extra sensitivity so had absolutely no idea how his remarks could catch you on the raw.
i’m sure when you explain it to him, he will be devastated that you are upset and will realise what a dozy chap he is…
grumpy
Hi Maude,
So agree with eveyrthing that has already been said. I had Mx & immediate recon and I can see and hear my husband doing everything that your OH did - and yes, I would still feel vulnerable. Of course we are extra sensitive; whether we have recon or not, the ‘me’ has changed and it is easy to question ourselves. Your OH has supported all of your decisions so far which is brilliant - in general I still think the male & female sensitivity switch is wired differently, so don’t doubt his feelings for you.
Sx
Thanks again, ladies, for your replies. Again, you are all right in what you say. I just needed someone to talk to yesterday but I realised that none of my female friends or family would know how I was feeling. They would try to understand and make sympathetic noises but they couldn’t REALLY know how I felt. That was why I came on here, it took a little bit of courage (as ChoccieMuffin said) to be so frank about how I was feeling but I knew you would understand EXACTLY how I felt. It made me realise how important this forum is to me.
Thanks to your very sensible replies I found it easier to broach the subject with my OH last night (if I hadn’t read your replies I would have probably just accused him outright of being insensitive and then we would have both ended up being emotional.) I just told him I had felt sad when I saw that girl because I realised I would never be able to wear such a pretty, feminine bra and also it made me think how important breasts are to men. He gave me a hug and said I should have told him I was upset and then he said “you are still here and that is the most important thing to me”. So I felt much better!
He went on to say that he actually thought the young girl was degrading herself by standing in a shopping centre in her underwear but that she was only young and must have thought it was a good decision at the time but it might be one she would look back on and regret. Then I remembered he had been saying something similar yesterday as we walked away but by then I was thinking of myself so I hadn’t listened properly to that.
Love
Maude xx
So pleased you talked to OH about it and his response made me cry! See, he really is a lovely sensitive man, that’s why you’re with him!
Love
Gaynor x
Hi All
my OH often says stuff about other women too and has no idea how it makes me feel, I have had to learn to ignor what he says else I just end up in tears
Rehana
Thanks, Gaynor, that is so sweet. His response made me cry a bit and your post did too!
I am so glad I didn’t go in with all guns blazing but waited and listened to the great advice from the wise ladies on this site!
Love
Maude xx