I’ve had my appointment with the fertility specialist at our local assisted conception unit.
The outcome is not good, as predicted.
Natural Egg Selection does not have good odds anyway, to get a good grade egg out of it in someone who already has established fertility issues and then go for a surrogacy down the line he said would be giving me false hope and would only serve my immediate psychological needs - but not long term needs.
There are no options at the moment that don’t risk my future well-being and chances of survival and from having looked into this myself, if I let my body get touched by any oestrogen with being ER positive, then I’m putting myself in the danger zone too much and that would be irresponsible not only to myself but to my OH, to my family and friends and it may not happen anyway and be futile.
So then, I now know that we can’t have our child by any means, our biological child.
Having this confirmed has made it more real.
I’m soooooooooooooooooo angry, 5 years and a miscarriage, 2 attempts at stimulating hormones, and now cancer. I feel like I’ve “wasted” this time, even though I could never have known.
Yes we could “adopt” - but who’s to say we wouldn’t have another few years of misery trying to reach the dream yet again??? Do we really want to put ourselves through this and again perhaps for nothing except closure.
On a mortality note, having just faced my own mortality and potential mortality if this comes back, I know now theres nothing left of me in this world, no genetic link, as if I never was. Oh yes there may be memories and blah blah blah but I mean actual surivial instinct stuff of having left someone behind that’s linked to me.
How soul destroying is that.
I’m going to allow myself to wallow in some self pity for a few days, then do what I normally do and “cope”.
Me and OH need to now reassess our lives - once the cancer is over and I’m back to leading as normal a life as possible, we need to rewrite our future to be child free and look at the positives of that.