'Fishing posts!!'

I read the comments related to this post with feelings of dismay and sadness. If some-one asks about an indinvidual is it not best to assume it is out of genuine concern and not because they are attempting to invade someones privacy. We are , sadly, all sufferring from the same condition and only wish to support one another. For my myself the comments posted have convinced me that I shall never visit or use this site again

I made the original post on this matter.
I have pm’d the person and apologised to her, I should of thought before I posted that it maybe considered an invasion of privacy…this was not intended.

We have ‘’ spoken ‘’ and it has been accepted no offence was intended by the post and none was taken.

I understand everything that has been said, but some people are very abrupt and harsh towards people whose intentions are genuinely good. I know a few people who have been put off this site by such responses.
We are all united in this shitty disease but we are all at different stages in our cancer, lives and interpretation of the world. We should be able to voice our opinions without being shouted down and belittled.We should be able to hypothesise and share without being made to feel ignorant, uninformed and basically stupid.
People do share intimate feelings thoughts and emotions on this site.Friendships seem to develop very quickly as the small talk is skipped over. We are all genuinely interested, because we are looking for ways to deal with and understand what is happening in our own lives. If we feel we want to offer support and love what is wrong with that? I find the term ‘vultures’ offensive.
How can expressing concern for someone in the same boat as ourselves be seen like that! Surely if people write on a site like this,it is because they want to share?It is human nature to show concern for people we feel we know and people that are hurting. We feel real emotions for characters we read about in novels!!! How can real people evoke less interest or concern.?I understand seeing your own name must be scary, but surely genuine interest and concern is not.You have shared on this site and we feel that we know you as a friend.

I know from here and on bcpals that karen has shown concern for some time now for those who may not have posted for a little while. She remembers them! Some have welcomed her thoughtfulness and as we have seen now - some have said it is not something they care for. All again highlighting how different we all are. It is a shame that on this system a pm does not result in a notification going to the individuals email box and enquiries could be channelled that way. But then again there are bound to be those who would not want that either. C’est la vie n’est ce pas?

dawnhc

I’m sorry Juliet. I did not mean to offend you and my ‘vulture’ reference goes back to a thread a couple of years ago.

What does upset some women is the sudden rush of interest when someone is really ill and because of this, many women I know or have known, have slipped quietly away from this site before they become the subject of such posts. Also, many women I have known who have died, requested that their death was not mentioned on this site for the same reasons. Some of these women were extremely active members of BCC and if I mentioned their names now, they would be widely recognised. When I become really ill, I will disappear from here too.

We all share here on different levels. Some of us with secondary cancer do not wish to share the more traumatic aspects of our disease with the world at large and try to communicate privately.

ot2walk - I hope I have not offended you too. If I was insensitive in promoting another point of view, I apologise. I would not wish anyone to stop using this site and I hope you can continue to find support and friendship here.

Jenny

I too understand that some posters on this site may not appreciate others asking after their welfare and now that they have stated this on the forum hopefully nobody will be rash enough to do so again. However I do agree with Juliet that being likened to a vulture for expressing concern for a fellow forum member is unnecessarily harsh. Nobody is forced to come here to share their story and experience of dealing with cancer - hopefully we are all here to support one another. As Dawn said we are all different - if anybody finds an enquiry about them too intrusive surely they can just ignore it.

Anne

jenny,

Thanks for your response. I do understand what you say but sometimes it is just the way it is said. I respect JaneRa and generally agree with most of what she says. She strikes me as a super intelligent, confident woman. Not all of us are like that. Some people just quietly read posts, but still feel that they form relationships with the poster, even if one sided. At a time of crisis people just want to show their respects. I have secondary cancer. I also watched my Mother die an agonising death from secondary Breast Cancer when I was 12.I know first hand what it entails.
I myself would not like the interest, but also feel that so called ‘fishers’ and ‘vultures’ are mostly just people that care and want to do something, even if it is just to pass a message. Maybe I am misguided. Julie x

I have always appreciated Jane RA’s views, and I hope she would accept my interpretation that she doesn’t ‘suffer fools gladly’! However, I am sad that a genuine concern may have been seen as ‘interference’. Maybe some of us find it hard to accept a stranger’s concern.

Sass

Can’t we just leave this here,as Karen said no offence was intended and none was taken.

love and best wishes mellx

Deleted my post because surely there are more important things to worry about.

I think this thread should be closed.

I think Juliet that what you said about feeling concern for characters we read about in novels is very telling because the point is that none of us here is a character in a novel, or a film, or a soap. We are each real, human beings…with boundaries.

I don’t want to upset or hurt anyone and I’m sure that no one wants to upset or hurt me…its just that it seems to me that part of ‘netiquette’ should be not to make unsolicited enquiries about other people. I’ve been using these boards for over 4 years now…and I know how hard it is often not knowing the ‘end’ of someone’s story…also wondering sometimes how people are doing. I prefer for myself to be the one who decides how much to disclose about myself personally and it has been a real shock the last week to see two threads started about me including one asking if anyone had been in touch with my partner (who I rarely mention and who never uses these boards and who has met briefly just one person from the boards who rarely posts here these days anyway!) Often in the past I have personally squirmed at other fishing threads, particularly when made about people who last posted when very ill…I don’t think I am the only person who has felt so.

As Karen says we have ‘spoken’ and I hope its fine between us. It is on my part.The point I am making is a general one about netiquette. As jennywren so rightly says, we all share on different levels and in our own ways.

best wishes

Jane

PS: Goodness in the time I took to write this several other posts have appeared…I think its a difficult issue, and inevitably there will be strong views. best wishes to all.

Jane,

If you read my post,I did actually say we are real people!! julie x

Could we please close this thread now…
I often ask about people I haven’t seen posting for a while [I have been posting for 4 years] …this is genuine concern…not fishing for private information.
I have over the years come to ’ know ’ people through their postings and developed friendships with many.

I am well aware now…that such genuine concern is not welcomed by many…or should at least be posted in the form of pm to the person concerned.
May I just say I am neither a '‘fisher ‘’ or a ‘‘vulture ‘’…just someone who cares and feels [rightly or wrongly] that as we are all in this together its good to know people care and are there for you…of course I appreciate some would rather not ‘‘talk’’…especially to people they consider a stranger…[though I have followed/spoken to /gained support from Jane and many others over the years]…But I obviously need to realise not everyone welcomes ‘’ public concern ‘’…and for that reason I have taken the decision to not post for a while [I do not wish to upset anyone else]…I will however be poppin in to see how dippykate is doing…[not as a’’ fisher’ or '‘vulture’] but out of genuine concern.

Could this thread now be closed…I think all points have been made.

Karen

deleted as I hadn’t read Karen’s request to close this thread.

Sorry Karen, I was still typing as you posted…xx

I agree thread should be closed.

Karen, most people recognise your post was made out of genuine concern!! If the site helps you, do not let this incident put you off. So many people would be grateful for your care.I too will check for news on Dippykate. I am not a VULTURE, but am hoping and praying for the best outcome for her and her family. This is just out of human concern and empathy. Julie

Such a shame that a genuine post of concern should be interpreted as nosiness/fishing, call it what you will. If we choose to participate in a forum and share information, then it’s almost inevitable that questions will be asked of us-sometimes out of concern, sometimes in the hope of tapping into knowledge that other members may have.
Granted I haven’t been a member for long, so can’t comment on how often this happens, but it saddens me that people are now saying they won’t post -Karen and ot2walk have said this. That is the real tragedy-I don’t know how much these girls need or want support for their personal battles, but perhaps if either of them would like to contact me, I could direct them to another forum of which I am a member, and where posts of concern are taken in the spirit in which they are intended.

Karen’s well meaning intentions have been totally misconstrued out of all proportion. It would seem fine that some people are happy to keep us posted on all their recent treatments, illnesses etc then take offence at someone enquiring after them. You can’t win, can you?

Karen, we haven’t swapped messages on this forum, but if we had, I would be grateful for your care and concern should I not have posted for a few days. I didn’t interpret your original post as nosiness or fishing, just genuine concern for someone with whom you’d become friends.