For dear Pauline and Lucy and others in limbo
For dear Pauline and Lucy and others in limbo Dear Pauline and Lucy
Just to say I will be thinking about you on Tuesday Pauline. I so hope it goes well and you will be back on here telling us all you are all right. And Lucy my dear you are so brave and I think your messages to others are so helpful. Just wish now I had a date to get on with it! Still waiting. Days are ok-ish. But nights are full of silly fears that it may all spread while I wait.
Feels a bit as if my life has vanished into all this! Just want to be normal again really.
Love to you all
Dilys
Hi Dilys
Night time is always the worst time my love, it feels so lonely, even if you are not alone & your tears are not at all silly, they are perfectly normal, anguish, fear, anger etc it all builds up…I waited nearly 3 months or so for my opertion, it was a horrible feeling my G P kept telling me “it has probably been in you for a few years and a few more weeks wont make any difference”???I was absolutely gob smacked by her comment’s, if I had known now what was to come I would have pestered them non stop.
Dilys keep ringing them and pestering them for a date if you can muster the energy to do so and don’t feel bad about doing it either.
They keep telling mine has’nt spread but it doesnt stop you worrying, especially with every little niggle and pain, I have had a cough since the op until recently and kept on about it to them, they keep saying it is nothing, it does seem to have gone and only appears when I have the dreaded Chemo now, but like you I think oh my has it spread, it is natural to think like that under the circumstances.
I was making an omellette this morning for my partner and turned it over, as I turned it I dropped it on the damn floor, I burst into tears and said “I cant even make my future husband a meal” it is so frustrating not being able at the moment to do simple things,my partner keeps saying Lucy it will get better, sometimes I do have my doubts but we have to be strong Dilys and believe in positive thoughts, that way my love we will come out the otherside.
takecare always here if you need a chat
much love as always Lucy
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Thanks Lucy Dear Lucy
I know just what you mean. I used to be incredibly together and efficient but have to keep lists of things that need doing now or I just seem to forget. The cancer rumbles away in the back of your mind all the time. And much though I want the date settled I am scared to death at the thought of the surgery, recon and what might be coming next. Worried too that I am boring my husband and my friends with it all.
Ho hum. You have decided me though to ring the breast nurse tomorrow and see where we are with the date, rather than sit here like a scared rabbit waiting for the phone to ring. At least that way I might be able to make some plans. I was leaving work anyway in June and going to look for another job - all that seems to be on hold now as well until I know how I will be. My husband has an angiogram later this month (he has already had one bad heart attack) and various other medical problems and really doesn’t need all this extra strain. Mind you, we often find we have hospital appointments on the same day which is quite handy! We are getting quite friendly with all the staff there.
Thanks for all your support. It is so great that someone understands all this. There seem to be so many of us. Your partner sounds great and I am sure he cares more for you than a dropped omelette!
Much love and a big electronic hug
Dilys
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Hi Dilys
I am glad you are going to ring them, don’t let them fob you off,I did that with my scan they kept telling me prior to that it was just a cyst…
the operation isnt so bad Dilys, you will feel uncomfortable for a few days and It was difficult with those damn drain things in you and the swelling was another issue, but I didnt have much pain from the operation just the drains and I was scared I was going to pull them out, but my surgeon said it didnt matter if I did he wouldnt put them back in, in a way I was hoping they would come out as that was the bit I hated the most, I never used the morphine puffer, I didnt know how it worked, but didnt need it anyway, the drugs they gave me made me more ill than the op, but my consultant told them to stop giving them to me and sent me home 3 day’s after the op…
I just want to be able to do all the things I know I used to be able to do and I am angry with myself now for putting on weight since starting chemo, I tried to put on my work trousers and couldnt get them done up I was a size 12 I dread to think what I am now, its just one thing after another to contend with…
I am sorry to hear about your husband, I am sure it is a strain on both of you…I too wanted to find another job but not sure who would take me on now with this, we live in the London area so it’s not too difficult to find work but I worry my medical history will now go against me…
I am glad you find my support helpful and you are very welcome if I can help I will, at least that is a good thing out of all of this.
electonic hug back
Lucy XX
For Dilys Dear Dilys
Thank you for the good wishes for tomorrow.
I am glad you are going to ring the Breast Care nurse tomorrow and I do hope you will soon have a date.
Take care of yourself and your husband I will be in touch soon.
lots of love
Pauline
xxx
Hi Lucy and Pauline Dear Lucy and Pauline
Hallo both and thanks for postng. Wll have everythng crossed for you tomorrow Pauline - think of us won’t you and all the courage we are sending.
And thanks for saying that about the op Lucy. The breast nurse said it was nowhere near as bad as having your appendix out which I did a few years ago. Mind you I had no tIme to sit and think about that one! Plus it was hardly likely to recur!
The job hunt will have to wait until this all settles down. I just worked out how to look at profiles and we are all three in London and the South, so there must be something out there waiting for us to do. It will all work out in the end I am sure.
Lots and lots of love
Dilys
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best wishes for both of you Yes very best wishes for tomorrow Pauline, we will be sending you strength and for you Dilys when contacting the hospital regarding the operation…I had my gall bladder out last year and was told the same, it was far more invasive and dangerous and uncomfortable than the breast op …at the end of the day Dilys you and I and Pauline and everyone else - we don’t really have a choice with it, it is really just go with the flow…I often still say I can’t believe this has happened to me it feels like watching someone else…
yes I am sure there is something out there, I am a great believer in what will be will be and everything happens for a reason.
takecare both,let me know how you get on Dilys
Love Lucy
Hi Lucy Dear Lucy
Had a sleepless night but rang this morning. There seems to be a backlog of us in East London. But I think I am on for 22 May which is fine by me. It may come forward but hopefully not back! So I feel more positiive about that. I will stop sitting by the phone untilFriday when I hope it will be definite!
Have been thinking about Pauline today as well and hope she is well. Went to the London Chest Clinic with my husband who is due another angiogram on 25 May! They were horrified that he might be alone that night so we have put that back for a month. By that time I should be up and running again. He was so cross that I took over but I do NOT care. I can’t have him there without me to look out for him. Last time he had a heart attack in the hospital! Imagine being stuck there yourself and not being able to know or help?
Roll on 2008 say I! And hope so much the 22nd will stick.
Are you ok my love? Seem to spend half my life moaning at you!
Lots of love
Dilys
Hi Dilys
I am so glad you rang the hospital to find out and I am glad that they have given you a date, at least that way you can get on with your life in the meantime without sittting wondering if the phone will ring and what is happening…
Pauline will be fine Dilys I was so scared when I had my op it was 6.5 hours long but you only seem like you have been gone a short while…its was difficult for me to get out of bed thou as I had the op on my right side and I am right handed, that was the only thing that drives me crazy with this, that i feel a bit impaired with that arm as you are not supposed to lift etc with it…
Men seem to think that things have to be set in stone, I don’t know why,especially where things that seem to be official are concerned, he also maybe doesnt want you to stress about him as he know’s you are ill too… I’m sure it will be for the best, at least you will feel better being there,do you not have anyone that can help you out for a while, if I lived nearer I would have done, but I live in West London the opposite side…
I cant wait for the next 7 weeks to pass Dilys let alone onto 2008 at least that way my chemo will be over, I hate wishing my life away but yes I really want to start afresh, I feel like a totally different person since embarking on this journey, it has changed my whole outlook on life and you certainly realise who your friends are at a time like this, I was thinking this morning I was one week away from my 41st birthday when I found out I had this rubbish inside me how great was that, it would be nice to celebrate my next birthday and christmas on a high note next time so yes roll on 2008 for a new life…
oh and by the way you are not moaning at all and yes I am starting to feel ok again just in time for my poisoning at the end of next week,YUK!!!
takecare my love
Lucy XXX
Hi Lucy Dear Lucy
Every time you write I am struck by how brave you are. Chemo must be awful. I haven’t seen anyone who says any different. But of course there is no real choice I suppose. I am hoping against hope to avoid it, but suppose you don’t know till they have done the op, looked at the biopsy and made a decision. One thing at a time.
I feel for you though. You are younger than me (I’m 55 though don’t feel it). Life isn’t fair is it? But as you say it does change your outlook on what is important and what is not. I can’t believe now what used to stress me at work - things that were nothing in the scheme of things. I wasn’t a greatly stressed person either but my job involved dealing with people who were! And like you I have been amazed by the amount of people keeping in touch and offering support. Takes me all my time keeping up with phone calls and e-mail as the news spreads! Not complaining about that though.
I would love someone to come and stay with my husband while I am in hospital but we have a very very small house, and he would hate it. The family will keep an eye on him (quietly!) for me, but they all live a reasonable way away. I am just relieved we could postpone the angiogram by a month.
Planning to try and enjoy the rest of this week and next while I can!
Much love and an electronic hug
Dilys
xxxxx
Hi Dilys
wait until you have had the operation the phone calls are worse and everyone and his wife wanted to visit, I saw a couple of people but I got distressed because they all said that I looked so well after the operation and the way i behaved my outlook was so positive, but inside I felt like a wreck and I thought they would go back to work and that work would think that I was fit enough to return…it was a weird feeling…
It does slow down after a while, I still get emails and people ask my partner how I am as we work together but in different sections, but thankfully nothing like it was, I didnt get any peace and I know they were well meaning…but you would just settle off to sleep and the phone would ring day and night
I know what you mean about work, I work on a reception & switchboard so it is very stressful, but I have vowed when I go back that nothing is more important than me or my health and things on the outside of work that used to stress me I just laugh at now…I just wish I had learned to do it sooner maybe I wouldnt be in this state now…always worrying about what people think etc NO MORE…
Well at least you know you have your family to look after your husband…he will be fine I think he is probably more worried about you…
There are braver people than me Dilys and I think that is what is keeping me going…I had to go to London UCLH for one of my treatments and in there, there were children having chemo and I just thought my God if they can do it so can I…but you don’t really think about that side of it until you see it …my partner said Lucy some of those kids probably wont even make it to the end of the year but they are still giving it ago…so now I just take the bull by the horns and always think that there is someone worse off than me at this moment in time…that’s the only way I can get through this, plus mum and partner keep saying they want me to be here, what would they do without me, I am planning my wedding and have the dresses etc so that has kept me busy a lot of the time…
I would do all the things you want to do and love doing before the operation…if you have to have chemo and hopefully you won’t (but if you do please accept whatever they suggest, I know it is horrible, but for the best) that is a way down the line although I didnt get long to think about it and I tell you I did waver but mum and my partner practically signed the forms for me, I can see it was the right thing to do now, although it is and has been very hard for me and on them too…I am looking at it now as in 7 weeks time my chemo will be finished and I can start eating all the things that have been restricted and I am looking forward to tasting things as they should taste…and doing things I couldnt…like eating out and takeaway’s…
have a good time over the next couple of weeks…keep me updated
loads of love
Lucyxxxx
Oh and forgot at least if you are a young 55 you are braver than me because I have always said I don’t know if I could have done all of this If I had been older and that will also help you get through it…sometimes at the moment I feel like a 90 year old but I know it will pass as most people who have gone through it seem to look fab afterwards I don’t know why…I hope I look fab rather than like 90 at the end of it…
Lucy
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Hi Lucy Dear Lucy
Thanks so much. I am NOT braver than you and I so understand everything you are saying. Mainly I want to curl up and sleep and wake up with this all being a dream. But that won’t happen. You have been through so much already and you are still there fighting, however much it hurts. You are right about hospitals too. Every time we go, for me or for my husband, I see people I would rather not be.
So glad your partner and mum are there for you. In many ways I am so glad my mum died three years ago. Not sure she would have coped with all this for me. She lost her mind at the end which was bad, but at least we could be there for her.
Incidentally if it is any help I was 43 when I got married so you have a real future to go for my love. I am thinking of you.
Lots of love and strength
Dilys
Hi Dilys
I am sorry to hear about your mum, I know what you mean my dad has been no help at all through this, he just hasnt been any help at all in fact he stresses me out more than anything by making stupid comments that he thinks are funny, mum say’s it’s because he does’nt know how to deal with it and that is his way of doing that…I am lucky with my partner he is 3 years younger than me but has been a tower of strength I don’t know if I had of gotten through this wiothout mum & him…
I live really near to my work place and i hate going out in case I see people, I feel really intimidated having no hair and having to wear a wig etc…I am not a vain person but it just makes you feel really vunerable for some reason…my worst dread is that it won’t grow back, wearing a wig is so hot especially in this weather even though it is one of those cool cap ones…
you have to keep fighting Dilys there is so much to live for and do you don’t realise it unless you have been through something that threatens you like this, you just tend to plod along and I don’t intend to sit back and do that anymore…
keep you chin up my love, even on your darkest day’s and my have I had loads of those, just think positive and the rest will follow…
Going out today with mum so that is nice
Love as alway’s
Lucy XX
Hallo Lucy Dear Lucy
I hope you have a really good day with your mum. You deserve it so much. I hadn’t realised you had lost your hair - really to me that is worse than losing a breast. Not that my hair is much to write home about, but I prefer it to be there on my head! From what I hear though it does usually grow back - have you asked anyone? But I see what you mean about meeting people from work. I worked up in town so it is unlikely. But I did go up to meet a friend for lunch last week and was terrified of seeing anyone. Silly really but it happens.
I am glad you have a good caring partner to support you. Can you imagine going through this on your own? And I expect your dad is finding it hard to cope. Very few of my male colleagues have been in touch - think they are embarrassed by it. Suppose it is understandable. Most of those that have e-mailed or rung are gay!
Much love and strength to you my dear Lucy
Dilys
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Hi Dilys
yes it is definately a man thing being embarressed…
I had a nice day out one of my good day’s…
Yes I lost my hair 2 weeks after my first chemo, my head was so painful I just pulled at it a little and out it came by the handful, it has started to grow back in most places already, I had read if you shave it it takes longer to grow back as the dead root is still in your head dont know how true this is…I guess we will see…
I was reading the thread about how people miss chemo and feel sad after it stops!!! I hope I don’t feel like that…It’s funny how different emotions come out of all this.
oh well
strength to you too and thinking of you
Lucy XX
Hallo Lucy Dear Lucy
Thanks again for posting. Glad you had a good day with your mum. I rang the hospital this morning as they had promised to confirm the date by the end of this week. Got the answerphone! No return message of course. But I think 22 May is on, as through the post came an appointment for 21st May for the nuclear injection. Such joy! But think I know where I am now.
On the plus side my husband got his new teeth today which is excellent. I am so pleased for him. I have organised him into an appointment with a hearing specialist next week as well. If that works he may well be a new man.
We spent years having nothing wrong at all - all seems to come at once. Mind you, people get too keen. My sister in law got the idea I was going to stay with her as soon as I get out of hospital. Nice idea and very kind but she is in Streatham, and I am not, and I just want to come home once this is done! I felt awful saying no!
You ok? I feel for you so much.
Lots of love
Dilys
Hi Dilys
yes I am ok my love.
oh dear it’s hard trying not to upset people as they all seem to want to play a part in it all…yes there is nothing like your own home…especially if you don’t feel very well, I was around my partners accomodation on my first chemo and when I started being sick I just want d to rush home as he shares a house with someone else at the moment…
I would just keep on at them Dilys…I have been very lucky with my hospital BCN she is lovely and cheery, I asked her how she managed to stay so happy she said the last thing people want in a place like this is a miserable person…I thought that was a lovely attitude.
Do you have an ebay account??? funny thing to ask I know…
oh well better go for now
love LucyXXX
Morning Lucy Dear Lucy
OK I seem to be all set as the letter for admission on 22 May came today. Feel numb rather than elated but relieved there is a definite time now. Yes home is definitely best I think. In traffic Streatham is about an hour and a half from here and I don’t think I could face it. Or having to put a good face on all the time. We are only about 10 minutes drive from the hospital which seems ok - and I can even get the bus.
No I don’t have an e-bay account - why do you ask? May be someone with the same name? I am going to try to relax from now on until D-day.
Have a lovely weekend.
Lots and lots of love
Dilys