Funeral advice please.

My husband’s cousin died on Good Friday at the age of 34 of advanced throat cancer, and there will be a funeral the early part of next week.

I’d never met this man, but know his parents well, and not suprisingly my husband would like to attend the funeral, and would like me & the children (2 & 7months) to go too.

Whilst I am very happy to go with him, I feel rather uncomfortable, as I’m a chemo baldie myself, and don’t want to add salt to their wounds. Also, although our children are used to church, a funeral is a different matter, and I’m not sure peoples general feelings about children around at these times.

Does anyone have any opinions on how best to manage this?

My gut feelings are that we should all go, as I think this may uncover lots of difficult things for my husband regarding my diagnosis, plus children at funerals doesn’t need to be a bad thing does it?

Thanks, Rebecca

I think it is fine to go as long as you yourself feel Ok about it Rebecca, a dark buff would be Ok headwear. So you think it would uncover things for your husband? Do you mean that he hasnt been very forthcoming with you? I know men sometimes find it hard to talk about the emotional aspects of cancer. Do you think you would cope with a “cancer funeral” yourself? sorry so many questions but maybe these are the things that will help you make your decision.

Louise x

Hi Rebecca
Sorry for your family loss.
I think you should follow your gut instinct. There is no reason why your children cannot go, in fact I think children at these occasions can be a good thing. Children were present at both my parents funerals, big and little ones. As long as you are ok and since your husband would like your support then be there. I do not think your being a ‘chemo baldie’ should also NOT be a reason for not going, as long as you are ok.
Wishing you well

Thanks for your advice & honesty

I think the fact I never met him, will make the funeral much easier, although I’m sure I’ll be upset as you would be at any young death.

I think for my husband it may just give him a reality clash though. So far, he’s refused to accept that there could be any other outcome other than me still being here in 50 years. This I suspect might make him see that life sometimes takes a different route to the one we planned.

I don’t do buffs Louise, in fact I’ve mainly worn caps, or gone commando (!) Any idea where I might look for one?

Thanks again, Rebecca

The best source of buffs is Blacks outdoor shops or you can,I think,buy them on line.Valx

Hi Rebecca

I don’t have children so not the best person to give advice…but agree with Alice thats its fine to have children at funerals.

I went to the funeral (from breast cancer) of a friend and work colleague when I was just a month diagnosed and in my first chemo cycle. It was hard but I was so pleased I went (some of my colleguaes found it hard me being there and did rather too much rushing to reassure me that I’d survive!) Recently went to my auntie’s funeral (she was very elderly but had died of cancer) while on chemo and wept buckets…but therapeutically so…and lots of long lost relatives were really kind to me.

Go commando if you feel like it

Maybe this funeral will give you and your husband a chance to talk about the possibility of different kinds of outcomes.

very best wishes


My sister went to our uncles funeral, she too was having chemo, she and our family knew that she only had a few months to live aged 33. I found it hard, and had to fight back the tears, knowing the next furenal would be hers. The family were great and admired her strenght, but she only attended the church service as did not want to go to the wake, with people feeling for her. My sister always wore a wig that she had had styled to match her own hair. Maybe take the children off to the park or home after the service.

I’m sure whatever you decide will be the right one. Michaela x

I can totally sympathise how you must be feeling, my husband has had to cope with both his parents dying from cancer and me being diagnosed within the same 18 months (his parents were not terribly old when they passed away). My children are older 11, 15, 16 so its hard on them too!!! i would go as a family unit to the funeral and remember that cancer can affect anyone of any age and its all around us, i dont mean this as a negative thing but more that you havent asked for it and you cant help peoples feelings towards cancer!! you go and support your husband. Hope i make sense

you can get buffs here if it helps.

I’d personally go if *you* feel up to it but it’s not an easy decision I’m sure.

Those Buffs look great I,d never heard of them.

Love Andrea xx

Hi Rebecca

I don’t think taking the children is a bad idea at all. After all, death is part of life and introducing them to our way of saying goodbye to loved ones will help them accept and deal with the process of death. When my son had cancer as a baby, I went to several of the funerals of the other children who didn’t make it. I always took my son and so did others parents. Having the children present did lighten the atmosphere, especially when they came out with their usual observations as they do!! We go to funerals to help those who are left behind cope with the loss and I think the fact that you made the effort despite what you are going through will mean a lot to the family and your husband.


Thanks for all your lovely comments.

We’ve decided we will all go togther, and if the children are at all disruptive I will take them outside and give them sone space to run around