Hi Signet
I am really sorry to hear your news and I also understand how you can feel excluded by these forums - this hasn’t ever actually been my personal experience but there again I’ve only ever posted on the secondaries forums
So far as the secondaries forums are concerned, we are all here for you and it’s a really supportive place to be - I don’t post all that often here any more as, touch wood, my condition is stable at the moment and I am tending to stay away from the forums for now, but always keep an eye on what’s going on and will always be here to offer any support - never mean to ignore anyone and you can PM me anytime. Please keep in touch
Lesley xx
Hi Signet,
Im realy sorry to hear that you are leaving the forums , please reconsider, the forums are here to offer help and support for everyone and for the most part it does ,but i know that sometimes it doesnt always feel that way .
I dont come onto the forums as much now ,as i feel because im no longer having active treatment (only Tamoxifen) that i cant contribute as well as mabe someone else who is prestently going through treatments at the same time as others. Though i do still try and offer help/support when i think i can.
I agree with Elaine that the forums can be incredibly cliquey though, when i used to come on to the forums a lot ,at first i ofen felt as though it was a case of sink or swim sometimes, bit like walking on eggshells , especialy if you held a different view or had a different attitude to certain things. I quite ofen felt a lone voice and felt i didnt fit in.
I think some members started to form groups then to avoid some of this unpleasantness . Saying that, i have had great support from many like minded lovely ladies since being DX who have helped me enormously. I also think the new community guidelines have made an good impact too now as the posts seem to be much more respectfull to others in their tone.
I dont think people delibrately ignore members posts though , i think sometimes they do just go down the page and get missed depending on how active other threads are. I realy miss a lot of the members now as i dont see a lot of the names that used to use the forums regulary when i did ,sadly some have died and others i expect they are off living their lives which is great.
I must say though, i have often in the past wanted to post on some of the group discussions and on the secondries threads but havent done so because ive felt i would be “butting in” and my comments might not be wanted , so i dont belong to any group either , but i do think its fantastic that members have made very good friends through all this rubbish too, but definately think a balance is needed somehow to make the whole of the forums more open and inclusive.
I hope you will stay on here and keep posting and im sure very soon you will find the support that you came here for and deserve to get, big hugs to you and all the best .
Love Linda x
ElaineD, pleased to see you back x
hi lynn I am new to the forums and i too have found them very clicky this is a shame considering we are all in the same position, it took me a long time to pluck the courage up to post i was diagnosed in 2007 and i thought this site would be alot more suppportive i have had a reply from someone in my local area which i will follow up but i do find that you seem to see the same people posting time and time again i would be happy to chat with you if you still want to carry on on the forums but if not i wish you well
Hi Lynn. I read more than post. I am finished all treatment because I am triple neg. I stared this journey with a lovely girl on here. We PM each other quite regularly as we felt we didn’t fit in with the regulars.
So I pop in to see if I have a message, then take a peek to see how all the girls are doing.
Maybe if you PM someone who is at the same stage as yourself you might find that easier, having BC Buddy is a great way to give and get support.
Thinking of you darl xxx
Perhaps one of the reasons people have been reluctant to post, is like ElaineD said, fear of being ridiculed and for many threads I hesitated before joining in and if I was feeling low, didnt bother knowing that I would end up in a virtual fight. However, that trend seems to have come to a natural end, so I for one am more happy to restart posting without the fear of having to watch every word I write in case it rattles someone!
Please continue to post
I think its terribly sad that we have to watch what we say because someone might choose to get precious. Its a hard time for all of us and, as individuals, we experience things differently. I believe all our opinions are valuable and I would never judge someone for them; I don’t know that person or their situation.
Julia xx
I agree completely with you Julia. But…when you’ve been on the receiving end of unpleasantness (in my case, as the self proclaimed expert took exception to my attempts to make the best of every day, no matter how challenging-this made me naive and stupid in her and her clique’s eyes) I actually reported it to the moderation team-but had no joy and similair posts continued.Sadly, beacuse the “expert” was a long standing and vociferous member, who was accustomed to having people agree with her and massage her ego, I expected little support. I therefore voted with my feet-the only option left to me. Life is challenging enough (I too have secondaries), without struggling to be accepted in a community where some voices are perceived as being more valid than others.
As Cathy said-this trend seems to be better now-I wonder why…
Hi there - I too initially thought this site seemed to appeal to (a) a younger generation and (b) to groups with history but I’ve been suprised. Maybe because I’m abit ‘pushy’ and don’t usually tolerate unfriendlyness but have the attitude 'look I’ve got something to say which might be of help or comfort so I’m jolly well going to have my say or I’m asking for advice , which I have to say I’ve received some really supporting words. it’s abit like when someone snubs you in the street - trust me when I say I work at making them stop and say hello - … I like a challege!
You as others have said are proberly in hyper sensitive mode at the moment and believe me this is not unique , we’ve all been there and will return at certain moments again I’m sure. Do keep perservering - this site is really a God send . Have a Happy Easter
P.S I’ve been lucky and not met with any unpleasantness on this site but if you want to be truely insulted go onto Cruisedeals.co.uk their reviews are something to be believed - I’ve even contacted Cruisedeals to complain about the tone but to no avail . Maybe some people don’t realise how rude and insulting their sarcasm / humour can be.So like you Elaine I voted to not join in , but I really have cut my nose off to spite my face cos this site was very useful and informative. S X
I think for some members who have been using the forums for a few years there definately was some unpleasentness i too was on the receiving end on more than one occasion , i was able to fight my corner but know that not everyone could, and there was upset caused to quite a few people and a few members left the site because of this, there were certain topics that were always slapped down and i could predict which ones before long. Like Elaine and the others at a time when you need help/support and understanding i found it quite cruel to be honest to do that to a fellow cancer patient everyone has a voice and everyone should be able to speak freely and post their views without getting put in their place by the few that seemed to enjoy causing upset.
The forums are much more respectfull to everyone now i think and as i said before i think the community guidelines have helped , so im realy pleased about that as after all we all wouldnt be here unless we needed some help and support. A little compassion costs nothing whether you agree with someone or not.
Signet i realy hope you decide to stay on the forums and i hope you are feeling a bit better today about everything after reading everyones comments.
Take care all
Linda x
I must say I have never felt snubbed on here, but there are a few topics which are dominated by certain members, which although I don’t feel locked out of, the closeness of the members posting there does seem off putting for anyone just wanting to pop in, if you know what I mean…but it won’t stop me using this site for any help or support I may need, so many of you ladies are lovely and go out of your way to make us feel welcome…sending hugs to all.
Pity there doesn’t seem any way of getting in touch with signet Lynn to let her know our thoughts, so we will just have to hope she comes back for a read…Lynn, sending you a special hug xxxx
I really really hope that Lynn has read all the above, everyone is here for everyone I would hope. We are all in the same boat. Nasty comments are not wanted! Support and exchange of info and tips is what is needed.
On another thread Lynn had a friend she was trying to get back in touch with, maybe friend if you are reading this you can tell her we are all here for her and each other, and it would be great if she got back in touch!
have a great Easter one and all and loads and loads of chocolate !!
V 
Hello
I agree that there has been some awfully dismissive stuff on here, sometimes like the thought police - mustn’t have your own thoughts, opinions etc. I have many times thought that there is a mysterious ‘pecking order’ which must put off a lot of people who are dealing with bc for the first time. As someone with a recurrence, I am somewhere in the middle I guess (lol) but it is all completely insignificant, isn’t it? The new guidelines should help, for me the main thing is respect - of different perspectives and of the fact that we are all struggling, one way or another, to deal with a crap hand that we have been dealt.
Signet, I hope you do come on for a read, and that you see for yourself how much support you have.
I think some of us ‘come and go’ a bit, through different treatments and how we are reacting to them and also to the ups and downs of our own roller coaster rides. There are times when we are easily bruised and others when we are strong and confident.
wishing everyone well - have a lovely easter weekend
love, monica xx
ElaineD
That sounds pretty awful. I must be lucky as that sort of thing has passed me by. I just dip in and out of topics as they come up, usually to offer support to new members. None of us are experts and I think it’s wrong that they push their opinions in such a way. I thought we came here to support each other and to seek advice if needed! I’m glad that the problems seem to be getting better.
Julia xx
Elaine - the person to whom you are referring has only recently died. She is no longer here to defend her actions or to contest your claims.
JaneRA was a powerful force on these boards. Her obituary from the Guardian can be read here. guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2010/feb/09/jane-andrews-obituary
Her presence here is missed by a great many people. Along with the presence of many other bright, funny, intelligent women (who have been dismissed as members of a “clique”) who have also died recently.
I really don’t see how criticising women after their deaths is indicative of a supportive forum environment.
I just wanted to say I have been reading and in the last month posting on this site and I can say I have only experienced friendly support.
I am sorry to hear that some people have not had this level of support.
All I can say is please do not give up. There are loads of lovely ladies on this site who will welcome your comments and help you through this difficult time.
Hi all
I am posting to remind everyone that the community guidelines have been put in place to help keep the forum a supportive place. The forum is no place for personal attacks, and while there will be disagreements, debates, and differences of opinion, it is important that the discussions remain respectful. The guidelines will only have the desired effect if everyone bears them in mind. As the first guideline says: “please be kind to each other”. This thread shows how caring and supportive the forum can be - please help to keep it that way.
Kind regards
Lucy
I feel in sympathy with a number of the comments that has been aired on this thread- and feel the number of responses is indicative that there is a more general issue here.
I commented some time ago that the long-term threads between groups of friends -often people who have met up and actually know one another- can make other folk feel like outsiders- particularly if the queries or comments they have posted themselves have had no response.
I suggested that these long-term on-line conversations might be better conducted in a separate category on the forum (or even on Facebook or tweets or whatever)
I guess the folk involved do not mean to exclude others but sometimes one does seem to have to wade through an awful lot of ‘buddy’ threads before you see any new ones …and if you are feeling a bit low or going thro’ a bad patch, this can seem like people crossing the road to avoid you - as Lazydaisy said.
Do hope these the comments you have read will have helped you Lyn. I have read and responded to the forums in the 18 months since I was diagnosed and have found them helpful- most of the time!
I am now 67- would be really interested to know if there are many people on here of my age or older: most people do seem to be younger- and that can make you feel isolated as well!
Hi Topsymo,
Well l am 62 soon to be 63 (14 days) I think it is such a shame some of these threads are getting a little unpleasant, we are all going through such an emotional time, the last thing we need is upset!
I came on this forum to get advice, reassurance, friendly words. all which l have had, so lets keep it as friendly as we can.
Love to you all
Sandra x
Elaine - with respect (and indeed I have always personally found you supportive and helpful) I do find your posting on this thread extremely upsetting knowing as I do the people to whom you refer. I also feel it is totally inappropriate on this thread which surely is about Lynn feeling unsupported.
Lynn - I am truly sorry that you do feel unsupported and that you feel that there are cliques within the forums. I think by its very nature, the secondary forums are going to have people who post very regularly over a long period. That inevitably means that people like me (who started posting in the secondary forums nearly 3 years ago) get to “know” a lot of others who also have posted for a while and indeed I have gone on to meet several of those people which further strengthens that bond. However I would hate to think of that as a clique. Indeed if you look at the liver secondaries thread, there have been many many “newcomers” to it. I can only say again that I am sorry if that has not been your experience and hope that you will reconsider as i do truly believe these forums are a real source both of information and support.
Kay x