good days and bad days

Hi Everyone

Feeling very tired today. I seem to be having a good day followed by a bad. I have been on tamoxifen for five weeks now and starting radiotherapy next week!!!

Just want to curl up in bed on these days. Anyone else feel like this??

Hi Kayty

I have been on Tamoxifen for 7 weeks now and start Rads this Wednesday my emotions are all over the place at the moment one minute I can cope next I’m sobbing I curled up in bed and stopped there yesterday. I just go with it now, I had a chat to my BC nurse this morning and that did help. Do you talk to anyone about how you are feeling?

Take care hope you feel better soon.

April x

Hi April

Thanks for your reply.

I too spoke to BC nurse last week and I felt much better. But on the days when I am down I feel guilty for not being me on that day!!!

Sometimes think I live and breathe this disease and want my old life back.

Sorry for ranting on

Kay x

just come back from my 1st session of radiotherapy. It was fine, no pain, nothing. But, I am sitting here feeling really sorry for myself. I guess it was because it was something else that made the diagnosis of cancer more official and the fact that all the poor old folk in the waiting room with me seemed to be on their last legs! I know once I have had a good cry and get it out of my system, I will be OK. It goes with the package, this up and down moody thing?

Cathy
xx

Hi Kay & Cathy

Glad your 1st rad went ok Cathy with no pain they say the time soon goes once you get started how many more have you got to go? I’m having 20. How many are you having Kay? Yes this disease does take over all your thoughts while going through or waiting for treatment. I think I have to accept that life will change and will not be the same as before I was Dx with BC. As you say Cathy its all part of it these mood swings.

April x

Hi April and Cathy

I am having 20 sessions of rads starting next tues. Feeling a bit better just took my dog for a walk and had a good cry (she didnt notice, she just wagged her tail).
Sometimes think I am going bonkers with these ups and downs.

Thanks for your support girls

Kay x

Hi everyone

I have just finished reading an article in the Daily Mail about Rory Morrison a newsreader for Radio 4 who has a rare type of cancer. He says that having cancer is the end of life as you knew it but the beginning of a new way of life. I think that is a very profound view as if you struggle to go back to how you were you will just make yourself miserable, but if you accept that change is inevitable in terms of moods, energy, etc then you wont be so hard on yourself. His cancer is life limiting which he views as a chronic disease, rather than terminal. I thought that also was a positive view. Made me feel better anyway after reading it!

Cathy
x

Katyty - Joining this thread a bit late since the original post, but yes, there are thoughts of sadness, total anger and even sorrow for a life that won’t be the same. I vary between being very adamant that I will beat this and wondering how I should be making out a will. Big difference.

My advice to you, as all of the women before me, is to let yourself feel bad. You really cannot escape it so you may as well begin to process it. It is hard; it is not fair and it is not worth your time recriminating yourself for things you may not have done. Just BE for a bit. And allow yourself to understand what a life change this has brought to you – and it will be only then once you begin to grasp it that you will be able to move on. For most of us, it was unexpected which makes it harder. Also know, that in your sadness, we are with you girl!

A positive viewpoint is important; but we are not Pollyanna and we cannot always see the silver lining; sometimes we just want to feel the downpour of rain and get it over with! So revel in it for awhile and then let it go.

I am only in the early stages of breast cancer; been through 2 of 8 chemo treatments; so am still processing it all. But I have a family and a faith that is strong and supportive and that makes all the difference. Were I facing this disease alone, it would be that much more impossible! I am very lucky and realize it.

Take is easy and don’t be be too hard on yourself.
Emily
xxx

hi everyone I have just had a reccurence imn my right breast after 18 years so have had a mastectomy and am waiting for chemo to start, problems with the wound after 6 weeks as the radiotherapy from a previous tumour has damaged the skin,I have days when I feel like giving up and other times when I am so angry with this disease I refuse to give up. I think we have to live everyday as it comes and as emily jane and cathy59 have said change is inevitable and we should not be too hard on ourselves and sometimes you have to stand in the rain and let it wash over you and wait for the sun to come out again,

I would also like to add to Emily’ s post, as well as anger and sadness, which I feel all the time, I also have glimmers of excitement? Now, that probably seems really bizarre to you, but having BC has acted as kind of a smack in the face (metaphorically, of course) where I have had time to reflect on my life, because for the first time, I have realised that I am not immortal. I have given much thought to what could have possibly caused this and had a few knee jerk reactions to it also, like buying a very expensive juicer in the hopes that eating healthier at this stage in my life will make a difference! All that has done is caused me more expense and more frequent trips to the loo because my poor old system cant cope with mango, kiwi fruit and carrot all in one go!. I have come to the conclusion that what will be will be. I am going to continue drinking wine because I love it and I am not going to the gym under any circumstances. I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have for many years and it has been such a relief. I have cried for my misspent youth, my dead mother, the fact that I haven’t achieved what I wanted to when I was young and everything else you could possibly name! Moody? You bet I am, but at least I now am appreciating life!

Cathy
xx

Hi Girls

What a roller coaster we seem to be on!!!

Think I’ll give the juicer a miss cathy sounds painful to me!!

As today has been a rainy day I am hoping for a bit of a sunshine tomorrow.

Thanks for the lovely advice

Kay x

Hi Ladies, Hope you do not mind me interupting this thread but the above posts have echoed how I have felt exactly. The sadness , anger, regret, tears all of the emotions shared. No one knows how it feels to have bc unless they have it themselves. I am moody too but definately more assertive and do not put up with things the way i used to. I too bought stuff hoping it would improve my life- aloe vera liquid- which is bl**dy disgusting by the way ! So went back to the old faithful mood enhancer- chocolate !! gave up the fags 2 months ago and have no wish to go back to that. I know I am a right miserable bag but who wouldn’t be having chemo and all the other treatments us bc ladies have to endure. i looked at a juicer but the picture of carrots on it put me off. Cannot stand the things !!

Rach xx

I remember feeling I didn’t want to be with these sick people when I had radiotherapy. they all looked half if not three quarters dead, I made a mental note not to bother if I get to that stage.

Mole

Hi all

Behave mole we gonna have some sunshine tommorow.!!!

You sound like you have had a bad experience but we here if you need to talk

Hugs
Kay x

Mole, you make me laugh!

three quarters dead!! one poor old boy today in the waiting room looked to me like he had died - he was a horrible colour, his eyes were closed and I was getting a bit concerned, but off he hobbled when his name was called, so obviously still alive. Made me feel very youthful, for a change.

I know what you mean - my session with the Rads was usually at that time of day when the “walking dead” as I saw them, came out and it made me feel very sick. But I also remember when first dx in Guildford and was told to go to the Fountain Centre - at that time, it had not sunk in, I ran from there screaming - everyone was sitting, grey, no hair, and some looked as if they had died…I guess you just get used to it.

I’m struggling with emotions big time at the mo, floods of tears one min, happy and trying to remind myself that I have a good life/husband/friends etc. Not easy.

My parents are flying in tomorrow for a week - we’ve not seen eye to eye for 10 years, so this is added emotion for me, and that I get the results of the MRI tomorrow and then a date for surgery, I have to laugh sometimes and think if I were a weaker person I’m sure I’d throw myself off a cliff (there are plenty here!), but then…I love my husband too much to do that and my animals…so, another day, a smile wiped on the face and off to clean the Gite ready for the oldies arrival…

Kx

I had my last chemo cancelled so had 7/8 as my’lump’ had decided to get bigger. Am having lumectomy and lymph nodes removed next Tues,Starting herceptin tomorrow and radio in a few weeks.Emotions all over the place,wish I could get angry and scream but istead pick at my family and constantly cry, fed up of it all now

Hi maryfrod

If you would like to talk to someone about how you are feeling at he moment please don’t hesitate to call our freephone helpline where you are able to talk to one of our trained members of staff in confidence. Sometimes it can help just to talk and all our staff are either breast care nursers or have experience of breast cancer and you can talk about both practical and emotional issues. The helpline is open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturdays 9am to 2pm and the number is 0808 800 6000.

I hope you find this helpful.

Kind regards

Sam
BCC Facilitator

Hi ladies,
just joining this thread, after having first FEC today. So encouraging!

I loved your comments, Emily. They were very helpful

I, too, have a strong faith and massive support from our church" family. " I am convinced that having at least a hundred people praying for my well-being is having a profound effect.Sometimes i actually laugh at this stupid thing, and say “you are NOT going to stop me enjoying my life!” Sometimes i feel excited,too, Cathy, because I feel I am more alive now than I’ve ever been! I love people more,and i appreciate all the good things we take for granted, like having a warm bed to sleep in, hot water, food in the fridge. it really has been a wake up call, like you say. That’s not to say this is also the hardest thing to come to terms with, if i ever do! But i keep pushing the fear away and don’t think too far ahead. Hope I can continue to do that, 99% of the time,anyway.

Well, I’m off for i lie down, and I am so glad we have anti-nausea tablets to take! My tummy is just starting to churn a bit, six hours after my chemo.

Love and hugs to you all.
Ann xxxx

I have now finished my treatment (6x FEC, mastectomy and 25 rads) and am on Tamoxifen.

I am not a church-goer, but my faith in this wonderful Universe is very strong and where there is faith there can be no fear.

I had a rough time last August with two 6-night stays in hospital with virtually zero neutrophils (i.e. no resistance to bacteria, not even my own) and I remember quite clearly the night when I staggered to the loo attached to my drip (I needed a lot of fluid, as well as the antibiotics, so trips to the loo were frequent), looked at my (bald!) self in the mirror as I was washing my hands, and I said to myself in the mirror: “YOU ARE BIGGER THAN ALL OF THIS”. Not quite sure where the thought came from, but it came.

And we are ALL bigger than this little b@?*!r, never lose sight of that. And we have the most wonderful medical professionals out there to help us as well.