got myself in a right lather....

Dear All,
I’m sorry to bore you with my woes, as if you don’t all have enough of your own, but really couldn’t think of anyone else to offload, who will have some understanding of where I’m coming from.

I’m sorry if I sound stupid, but I’ve just come home from a crap day at work and feel really upset.

Since DX etc, I’ve really suffered with anxiety, get muddled(foggy brain), massive lack of confidence, a shadow of the person before really.

Anyway, I’ve just had someone be so awful to me on the phone about a problem I 've been trying to sort. I just feel that I shouldn’t have let her get to me, should have handled the situation better, etc. I now feel so useless, total crap, and my manager gets back from holiday tomorrow and this is going to have to be sorted out with her tomorrow. She will be cross that I haven’t sorted it out properly, I can’t even think straight which hasn’t helped as I find myself getting so muddled. I feel so stupid, because 6 years ago(when all my crap statred) this would have been a piece of cake for me to sort out, not the patheteic person I’ve allowed myself to come.
Worse still, I even burst into tears in front of someone who only started there yesterday- how pathetic is that!

I’ve been working here for a year and no-one knows about my breast cancer hx(bilateral mx, lymphodema, post op pe, won’t bore you with the rest).Previous manager did, and I was treated so badly I left, and so I thought I’d keep it quiet from this one.
Thing is, last August I had to have an MRI scan due to hip and back pain. This was OK, but because it continued I was sent for a bone scan, which I had in NOv 2009. They lost the results, and whilst waiting for them I then found a lump over scar site, so then had to have 2 ultrasounds. Found my results finally, and thank god, OK. But it’s really shaken me up. (my manager doesn’t know any of this).

I just feel I want to run away from the job, but know thats not the answer. Just feel that I won’t be able to do any type of job
at all. Can’t cope. Also , my son is undergoing investigations for Autism, just to put the cherry on the cake!!

Right, what do I do about all of this? Do you think my manager should know my history, because if I say something, won’t that look like I’m making up an excuse for being so crap at my job?

OOhh, don’t know what to do.Please help.
XX

Hi happyshopper,
I often wonder where the confident person l once was has gone? l have turned into a wobbly jelly that cries at the silliest things, sometimes for no reason at all!
But is it any wonder, we have been through some dreadful things with this breast cancer, so l think we are allowed to wobble from time to time.
Gosh you are probably in the wrong job, if you have to take on problems! think we need something nice and easy!!

Anyway, trying to be practical, l know you say you had problems with your last manager, can’t imagine why? when we need a bit of support, how awful for you.
But does that mean your new manager is going to be the same?
If you spoke to her in private, she would not mention it to anyone else, so it would be just be between the two of you.
You never know she may be very supportive of you, what have you to lose? She may get the wrong idea, if she sees you are not confident and think you are not up to the job, when is all you need is a little support from time to time, So you go and speak to her, the sooner the better, it will be good for you to be able to speak to someone when you have these problems in the future.
Pleased your scans were good! that has to be positive.
Sorry to hear about your son, that must be a big worry for you?
Saying of the week…It’s good to talk!!
Take Care
Sandra xxx

Hi Happyshopper,
Sometimes I think we are a bit too hard on ourselves, trying to carry on in an almost impossible situation as though we can cope with each and every thing sent to try us. This is true of normal life but I think moreso when we have extra burdens and concerns going on.
We (and this includes your manager) are humans, not superpeople, we have limits and I think that fighting bc means that sometimes I think that we expect more of ourselves than ever before. Try to talk to your manager (I could be wrong but I am experiencing that when you talk to people about this everyone on the planet knows someone close who has been affected by this diesease…who knows this may be the case for your current manager…a long shot but hey!!) Your new manager is not your old one and may take a different outlook and be supportive. My workplace are being so supportive to me it’s unbelievble!! I started chemo last Thursday and went to work yesterday and today and god knows what they think as my body is there but my head is nowhere in sight!!! and yet they are being so brilliant.
If that fails (or you want a different approach) don’t MacMillan nurses offer an advisory service or speak to the advisors on BCC as you have rights, a right to be treated fairly and be listened to.
Don’t know if this will help…hope it does, take care of yourself and good luck with your son, I work with autistic kids and have a lot of contact with parents…so that’s another line of support for you…another ear to bend.
Hope you soon feel better
Hugs Suze xx

I think you should start off with your GP and see what they say. You may be suffered from depression or some form of post traumatic stress syndrome due to all your treatment. On top of that, your son’s problem must be gnawing away at you constantly. If it were me, I would come clean about your problems - they would be absolute monsters if they didnt understand about your past treatment and especially what you are going through with your son. If they asked why you didnt tell them in the first place, explain like you have on here that you didnt think it would be such a big issue until the problems last year. If they have never asked you about previous history, then you have every right to not have told them. At the moment, it sounds as though you need to be cut some slack and either be signed off or reduce the intense workload.

tell her, she might be annoyed at the problem ( especially as she will be stressed with her work anyway as she will have just returned from holiday) but she shouldnt be annoyed at your situation. IF she is a good boss and a kind person, you will be well supported which you could do with. If she isn’t, then at least you know and then you can decide if, after all you have been through AND SUCCESSFULLY DEALT WITH REMEMBER then do you really want to surround yourself with unkind, blinkered people ina toxic environment? Nah

good luck
xxxxxx

Hi happyshopper
Firstly just wanted to say that I think it is completely understanderble that it just gets on top of everyone sometimes, and nothing to feel crap or useless about-I know that makes no difference to the fact you do feel that way, but even without all the other crap people make mistakes at work. It doesn’t sound pathetic at all, just really stressful and understandable.Sometimes its the smaller things we feel we should be able to control that tip us over the edge, because the other stuff is too big to really fall apart about. (I recently had a ridiculous wobble over something so much more trivial!)
I’m inclined to agree with the previous post. I don’t think it sounds like making an excuse for the problem, just acknowledging the reasons you aren’t as on top of things as you feel you would like to be, and being responsible by putting her in the picture. I can see why you might be reluctant after your past experience, but does this boss seem more reasonable?

Maybe if you had a look at the BCC leaflet about work rights (can’t remember the link, am sure someone on here will know, I found it useful when I needed to speak to my boss), and believe yourself that you are entitled to support, it might make you feel more able to tell her as much as you feel comfortable with.
Best of luck,take care
C xxx

Here is the link to the BCC Employ Policy information as discussed above:

breastcancercare.org.uk/employ/

Hope this is helpful.
Best wishes,
Kate, BCC Facilitator

Hi happyshopper,

Bc changes you so much in ways you don’t expect and you can’t be so hard on yourself.

I tried to go back to work after a year off and just couldn’t cope with even the simplest task or being round people. In the end I applied for early retirement and got it. My original line manager was just brill over the whole cancer thing (especially good as he is a younger bloke!) but the one who was supposed to sort my return was awful - didn’t want me there at all which felt very hurtful as I knew him from before. He then moved on and ‘handed’ me over to a lady who was good, telling her I had had a ‘spot’ of cancer but was ok (errr, no, you know I’ve got 2ndries…). She was most apologetic when she read my file!!!

I would tell my new boss - be upfront with them and you may well be very surprised. Remember you are covered by Disability Discrimination Act too. But at the end of the day, you must do what is right for you and it just isn’t worth getting yourself in a state over anything. By the way, it took me over a year to come to terms with not being able to work like before bc - I just thought I was being pathetic but I wasn’t. Cancer has such far-reaching effects.

Good luck with everything,

Liz

Dear Sandra, Suze, Cathy59, tors, cupotea, Liz,

Thank you all so very, very , much for your lovely kind messages. I really was in a bit of a state when I posted my message. Reading what you have all written has helped me enormously.
This site never fails to amaze me - the wonderful people on here never fail to let you down and it is such a great comfort to talk to others who know exactly where you’re coming from.

I did speak to my manager, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. She said that she had sort of guessed that I had had something big like that happen to me and that she was glad that I had told her.

I feel a bit wimpy though, for feeling like this in the first place. I guess I have underestimated the effect this whole thing has had on me. I think that I should be over it all now, especially as I am 5 years down the road from dx and last surgery done with 18 months ago.

I still feel a bag of nerves going in though,and wish my confidence would pick up and my foggy brain would go up a gear, and make me more decisive and more efficient and quicker (all things which have been noticed!).

Thank you all once again,hugs to each and every one of you for taking the trouble to support me.

XXXXXXXXX

Well done happyshopper,
please don’t feel wimpy, because if you are then that means the rest of us are as well, because we all have the same emotional rollercoaster, doesn’t matter how long you are down the road, it is one hell of a thing to go through.
I also find this forum so supportive always coming back with good advice, sometimes you cant see what is in front of your nose!
Take care and keep posting
Hugs
Sandra xxx

Yes, well done Happy shopper,
I find it inspiring to hear about real situations where women admit to feeling low and lacking in confidence, but do what they have to anyway. That takes strength and grit-not at all wimpy! And thanks for posting-I think it helps to see that other people feel that way too at times and somehow get through it.
Hugs and take care xxx

my god, cup of tea, based on my recent postings on this site and the insight into my own wretchedness at times, you should be paying me for the free counselling i have given you!

Not sure about that one that one tors! Just think the real strength is sometimes in the honesty of how tough it is, and dragging ourselves through the really awful days any way we can!

youre right, everywhere else we pretend to be alrightish but really its just a case of getting through much of the time