I was diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago, and had to tell my 18 year old daughter and 16 year old son. It was hardest with my son as he is 16 and at boarding school (in UK - we are in Australia - long story). He sounds fine, but it’s so hard to know what boys (especially) are thinking. I just came across this great web site and I am sure he will relate to the “my stories” page about telling school friends - passing this on as it might help other people as well. www.myparentscancer.com.au
Hi Seabird
Thanks for this. I might well add it to our support group’s website. My son has lived with my diagnosis since he was 6 and is now 20 and all the ups and downs that it’s involved.
My son is very private and doesn’t discuss anything with us although we’ve always been honest with him (I’ve now got secondaries) but I believe we need to tell him what’s going on. My mum died of breast cancer when I was 27 (she was 46) and my dad never told me or my brother what was going on.
What a brilliant thing these sites are otherwise we wouldn’t get to know of things such as the website you’ve mentioned.
Pinkdove
x
Hi Seabird
I wish I had known of such a site when I was dx . My son was 15 and I sat in the car in the hosp. car park sobbing and desperately trying to imagine how I would tell him when I got home. He had gone to school that morning without a care in the world and I now had to tell him what no child should have to hear. By the time I got home I had become certain of one thing - I needed to be honest with him straightaway and answer his questions as they arose without sharing the rawness of my fears for the future. It tore me apart when I saw his face crumple and that moment will stay in my mind forever but, over the ensuing months I have come to realise that how you handle sharing this ‘news’ with your youngster at the outset has been, in my case, the start of an ongoing honest dialogue with him about hosp. visits etc. as I know he feels he can trust what I say.Hopefully it has helped him to deal with whatever may lie in the future with the knowledge that I will always be honest with him no matter how hard it is for me.
With love to all those Mums who are facing this
Serenxx
Hi all
I just wanted to add to this thread with Breast Cancer Care’s booklet about talking to children about breast cancer, it contains information in the back about another website for teenagers which some of you may also find helpful, follow the link to read or download a copy:
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/talking_with_children_0.pdf
Best wishes
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
Hi Seren and PinkDove - I just agree with you both so very much, being honest, which can still be done gently, from the very beginning, is I am sure the best way forward for everyone in the family. I know from experience that the darkest fears often arise from what is not spoken about, or hidden, and the great loneliness that this can cause. In families I cared for in the past the saddest situations I ever came across were those where the person with cancer, their partner and their children all had their fears and concerns but would not talk about it for fear of upsetting each other. How lonely they were. I would say to anyone, talk, keep talking and if you are finding that really difficult to do then do get help from someone outside the family to bring you all together. Honesty really does make it better for everyone. Seabird x
My 15-year-old daughter didn’t even want to look at me when I told her about my BC. It hurt me.
I told her I was ready to talk when ever she was ready. She was so scared. Eventually she opened up and she is now fine with everything.
Please God, I will live a long, long life and be there for her as long as she needs me.
Linda xx
Dear Linda - That must have hurt you so much. Everyone reacts in different ways to hearing our news, and I am sure that your daughter’s initial reaction was not that unusual. I am so pleased that now you are able to talk to each other about this. Love Sarah
Thought I would share this you. I told my 2 boys age 10 and 12 that I had to have my breast off but that I was seeing a plastic surgeon about having a new one. At the same time my neighbour with children of a similar age told her children so that if my children wanted to talk they could speak to their friends.
Literally 5 mins later I heard my youngest child on the trampoline with my neighbours child. He said" Daniel what would you do? Would you rather have a plastic willy or die in 5 years?" To which Daniel replied" I would rather have a plastic willy." “So would I. Well thats the choice my mums got.” Said my son. LOL
Then Daniel said I shouldn’t worry about your mum she’ll be ok Sam’s had bits chopped off and he’s ok.
Sam is the neighbours spaniel!!!
Love Sandra
Thanks for the chuckle Sandra! Just goes to show how amazingly resilient and matter of fact children can be. I think they guage so much from the way in which they are told these things. If you’re OK, they’re OK! Hope your treatment is all going along fine. Love Sarah
Hi Sarah
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - if you’re ok, they’re ok! My son (even though he is now 20) still needs to know that I’m going to be okay even though I can’t tell him that I will be but by seeing me, still having a good quality of life (despite my secondaries) and can still enjoy myself means so much to him.
He’s at uni now and I do wonder sometimes what goes on in his head and how much he has been changed, as a person, having lived with this for 13 odd years plus the trauma of the last 3 years.
Sandra’s post made me laugh as well!!!
Love Pinkdove
x
Dear Pinkdove - I have read so many of your postings I am beginning to feel like I know you! Having secondaries and knowing that breast cancer is always going to be a part of your life must be incredibly tough. All of us must wonder how we ourselves would cope, and we know that some of us will be following that same path. To read postings from you and ladies like you willing to share the ups and downs, the hopes and fears, of their daily life is a great privilege. Hope today is a good day for you, big hug. Love Sarah x,
HI Sarah
Thanks so much for your lovely words. It is hard having secondaries - completely different to primaries because I know I’m not going to make old age but while I’m feeling well I’m determined to make the most of my life!!!
I’ve always been a half full cup and although it’s always in my mind I still love my life which probably sounds weird!
I have so many friends, including loads of people I’ve got to ‘know’ through this site and bcpals. I am very active in our local cancer network group plus I set up our support group 10 years ago so it keeps me busy!
Hi Pinkdove, might just have known all that from the wonderful way you write! No you don’t sound weird, you sound fantastic. It’s wonderful that you love your life, despite this huge challenge. How many people do we all know that seem to have life pretty OK but still think they have an awful life or have been short changed in some way. I am determined to get through this wholebreast cancer business counting my many blessings and doing anything I personally can to just reduce in some tiny way the fear that people have of cancer. I was looking at bras the other day and the assistant came up to me and said “you don’t want one of those”, “why not?”, I asked. “Because they’re for people with breast cancer” she whispered in my ear. “Oh, I have that” I said in a loud voice!! Hey ho!! Good luck, and I look forward to continuing to meet you on the forums. Love Sarah
HI Sarah
Thanks for your post - I think you and I would get on really well if we ever met! Bit too far to go to Australia!!
The bit you said about the assistant in the shop saying the bras weren’t for you was exactly what happened to me when I was first diagnosed when I was looking at swimwear (in the mastectomy bit) and the assistant came up to me and said that I was in the wrong part of the shop!
I feel the same as you that I’m determined to live life to the full. It is easier to look at it this way when you’re feeling well and this wasn’t the case for me last year when I was really ill (didn’t think I’d see Christmas) but the chemo has given me a new lease of life and I decided I had two choices; either sit at home and feeling really sorry for myself or enjoy what time I do have (and hopefully it’ll be for a lot longer yet!).
I went up to Leeds yesterday and had to cut short my post to you and I realised I didn’t even sign off and that’s because my friend beeped me in her car for us to go to the station. Met up with my son who’s at uni at Leeds and we had lunch with him (in Harvey Nicks no less!). Although he’s now just turned 20 I’m going to tell him the website you’ve mentioned and then it’s up to him whether he wants to look at it.
I had a very close friend of mine who sadly died in September of secondaries and her daughter now lives in Australia - Melbourne and has been over there for the last 2 years and loves the way of life although it was hard for her not being near her mum.
You might want to have a look at the website I created last year for our support group (with the help of s Macmillan small grant) - it’s www.pbcsg.co.uk and if you find the photo of the pink limo it’s a picture of all of us and I’m the one with the black t-shirt and long cream skirt.
Take care.
Love Carol
x
Hi Carol - Just wrote to you on the other thread, and now have found this! I will be looking at your web site just as soon as I close down here! We had only been three months into our posting to Canberra when I was diagnosed (we’ll be here for three years), so seeing a whole different angle on the country! Having wonderful care though and I am sure the sunshine is very therapeutic. My daughter looked at Leeds - what a great city. She finally decided on Warwick and will be headed there in the Autumn. It is great having her with us for her gap year, she is working to save money to go travelling after Christmas. I will just be starting chemo but really want her to go ahead with her plans, of course this will be the “year mum got breast cancer” but I don’t want it to be the “gap year that was ruined because mum got breast cancer”!! We’re all very chirpy at the moment and I am getting on really well after my surgery last week. Heard my daughter saying to a friend the other day “I have to go and do the housework now”!!! …so good things will come from all this! Love Sarah x
Hi Sarah
Just posted on the other thread to you as well!
My son looked at Leeds, Sheffield, Leicester and Birmingham but I knew as soon as we were at Leeds that was where he wanted to go!
I used to live near Warwick many years ago as my Dad was in the RAF and we were stationed at Gaydon (near Leamington Spa) but that area is lovely.
I felt exactly the same as you about wanting my son to stay up in Leeds last year and have some sort of ‘normality’ and that’s what he wanted as well.
I would think your daughter will think of you a lot and will probably feel quite torn about wanting to go travelling but also wanting to stay near you - not easy on them is it?
I’m glad you’re feeling chirpy - you’ve got a lot to look forward to and certainly these days there is so much out there. I wish my mum had her breast cancer now not in 1979 as it’s so different.
Not only do they do the housework - my son now puts his dishes in the dishwasher!!! Unheard of before - used to leave them in his room - not sure whether that’s uni that’s done that or not!
Again, good luck tomorrow and let me know what happens.
Love Carol
x
Hi Pinkdove. Just wrote this on another thread, but thanks for asking how I got on. In fact there were three tumours, not one, and also vascular lymphatic invasion, so being Grade III, pre-menopausal etc I have been told I will definitely have to have chemo after Christmas, and radiotherapy after that. Feel not too bad about it, I think I was expecting it. Also must be really hard to be in the “maybe maybe not” category and trying to weigh up all the pros and cons. I know I’ve just got to get on with it! Went to a life drawing class this morning which I did years ago and am so pleased to have started again, and going out to a “black and white” party now so will go and get my glad rags on! Love Sarah x
Dearest Sarah,
I am so sorry to hear your results - life seems so unfair that such wonderful people who take time to comfort others[like me] in their distress, should have all this horrible stuff thrown at them. My hugs and love are winging their way to you across the miles. You sound so brave about how you are approaching the future treatments - your son and daughter will surely take your hope forward with them in their lives too. Hope you enjoyed the party - you are a very special person with a big heart.
With all my love
Seren xx
HI Sarah
Sorry to hear your news but it’s weird isn’t it how you somehow expect it sometimes. I knew last year that I would have to go back on chemo and it wasn’t that much of a surprise to me either. The thing that did shock me was my oncologist telling me (at that time) that I needed to get my affairs in order as stats showed that people didn’t respond at my stage of cancer - and here I am a year later still going!!!
Am going out for a meal tonight with friends (had friends round for dinner last night - didn’t leave til midnight!) and then going round to other friends tomorrow night for dinner plus my son comes home tomorrow. In between all that I’m hoping to do my Christmas cake and a whole lot of mince pies - what’s the odds do you think that I’ll achieve it all??!!
Good luck to you with your chemo and radiotherapy. Do you know which chemo they are going to give you yet? I was pre-menopausal with my first chemo and it knocked my periods out (which I didn’t complain about!) - some people re-start their periods after chemo and some don’t - weird!
Hope you enjoyed your party! Take care and look after yourself and glad to hear that your son and daughter will be with you at Christmas - can’t believe it’s creeping up on us so quickly!
Lots of love
Carolxxx
Hi Seren and Carol.
Carol - of course you’ll get it all done, and more beside judging from how dynamic you are. That must have been such a tough thing to hear from the Oncologist. Trouble is they can only deal in statistics and averages. I’ll be having my first meeting with the oncologist next week so don’t know what regime I’ll be on yet. Planning to ask for the statistics for my scenario, but will then put them in an appropriate filing-cupboard in my brain!
Seren - There was I just writing to you on another thread and saying how often it is you handing out comfort and strength to others, and here you are, having just done it for me! I rest my case! A big hug to you two lovely ladies, wish you could come round to my place for mince pies and mulled wine. Thousands of miles prevents it, but chatting to you here I feel you are just down the road! Love Sarah x