Woke this morning quite upset, just a silly concern! but never the less ‘my’ concern, so if anyone has a solution, would love to hear from you…
Two of my grandchildren are 5 and 3 they sleep over at times, they know l have had an op on my arm, and we decided to leave it at that, but what happens when l lose my hair? although l will buy and wear a wig (not a hat or scarf person)The thought of the grandchildren running into our bed in the morning and seeing grandma with no hair! ‘l’ feel this cannot happen, but what is the answer? l would hate for them not to stay for the next few years!! not sure how long hair takes to grow to a ‘normal’ style!
The 5 year old is very bright, but not very confident, he is very close to me, so l suppose l would rather them not stay than upset him anymore than l have to…and yes l can spoil them in other ways, but did wonder if there was an answer, could l sleep with a wig on?
Couldn’t even get away with having it shaved and making a joke of it, as they know l have never liked really short hair!
Sandra xxx
Hi sandra
I think the truth is best, but you are not there yet. When the time comes (2 to 3 weeks after first chemo) you can tell them that Gran (what do they call you?) has got to take some medecine to make her better and also her hair will fall out. Just be matter of fact. I’m sure you will not need to go into great detail, maybe there are childrens books about it, I’m sure plenty of poeple here will beable to guide you. The children will love you with or without hair.
Love to you and all those you love
Maria
Children usually know when you are keeping a secret from them, and my 5 year old has been absolutely fine with a bald mum, helping me to choose a scarf every day. I think because I was very matter of fact about it, it hasn’t been much of a problem-he has probably found my tiredness more difficult to cope with as it affects him more.
best wishes,
nICKY
Hi
Your post brought back memories for me. I only had 1 grandchild when I was diagnosed with BC in Nov 2006. She was born the week after diagnosis, so was too young to be affected. I did however get a photo taken when she was about 4 months old, she was bald and so was I. I still have it on my fridge. She is 3 now and very bright, we often look at Grannys photos and I tell her Granny had to take medicine to make her better and all her hair fell out. She replies with ‘all better now and youve got hair now’. I think she is intrigued with the fact that we both had no hair together. Be honest with them dont try to hide, children are very clever and pick up on things. They also have a great way of dealing with things that we find difficult. Ididnt wear a wig, I didnt like it so just wore hats and scarfs. I actually slept with a little cotton hat on because you wouldnt believe how chilly you feel without your hair.
I wish you well and hope everything works out for you.
Carolyn x
Hi Sandra,
I realise you are going through this as a gran rather than a mum, but I thoroughly recommend the book “Mummy’s Lump”, available free from BCC. This is a picture book with a simple storyline and fantastic illustrations, including mummy when she is bald after her strong medicine, and the daughter tying a headscarf on the pet dog!
I also agree with the other replies, that honesty is the best policy, and that your grandchildren will probably take it all in their stride.
Best wishes,
Jx
Hi Sandra- I think you will find that your head will get quite cold at night and maybe the solution for your prob is for you to wear a snug fitting woolly hat in bed-which is what I did all through the winter. a wig will certainly not stay on!
My own grandchildren were a similar age to yours and had no probs with either seeing me bald or my wearing a wig (they wore it too!) - but the elder one had also seen her mother without hair after chemotherapy and just took it in her stride.
I guess it all depends on what you have told the children re your BC; children are very matter of fact and I think they cope better if they are told as much as is sensible to tell them - though obviously one glosses over the grotty parts - or issues that might worry them.
Hi Sandra I went through exactly the same thing your worrying about. I have 2 older grandchildren that know what’s going on, and I have a 3 year old little boy. Well I was really scared about him seeing me, I didn’t want to frighten him. So they were visiting one night and I had been having hot flushes all day so I had this sleep cap on. So we were sat at the table playing with play dough and I started to get a hot flush, and I thought steam was going to come of the top of my head lol. So I kept lifting this hat up to try and cool myself, and his mum was saying take it off he wont be bothered. So in the end because I was that hot I took it off, he didn’t take a bit of notice just carried on has normal lol. The thing is though I saw him most of the time with my wig on which he excepted and a bit of hair. So when my hair had grown so much I thought its long enough to style now and leave my wig off. Well he came in looked at me and touched my head and said "you’ve got hair " so I said yes and smiled at him and he said I don’t like it lol so there you go you see you cant win.
I am sure when the time comes Sandra you will know what to do. I never thought I would let anyone see my with no hair, but I got over it. I use to put my make up on which made me feel better but left my head uncovered in the house. I did go on the back garden and my neighbours saw me bold, but I never went out with out my wig. I did use a scarf a few times, but I wasn’t comfortable, always thought it would fall off lol Anyway Sandra you will get a nice wig and it is so much quicker getting ready when you don’t have to do your hair.
Take care
Heather
Hi Sandra
Have you considered trying the cold cap, with the possibility that you could keep your hair?
Hey Sandra
Like a lot of the other ladies I personally feel that honesty is best when it comes to children.
I have 3 wee ones (3,5 & 10) & only the 10 year old was uncomfortable with my baldness to begin with…the other two used to cuddle into me at night & rub my head! lol
I would be more concerened that if they weren’t aware of what was happening someone might say something in front of them. I think that would be more difficult a sitiation, as then it makes it all so much of a bigger deal to them.
I too would recommend Mummy’s Lump…would be easy enough for you to tweak the story to be about Granny rather than Mummy.
Good Luck with what ever you decide & with the rest of your treatment.
Hxx
My children are now 4 and 2, and were just 3 and the youngest a baby when I had my chemo and lost my hair. I thought that I would have some sort of change to help them through but they literally didn’t bat an eyelid. I warned the eldest that mummy would loose her hair, she laughed and said I would be like a boy. I now have a longish pixie cut and she tells me I can’t be a princess because I don’t have long hair but she loves me anyway. Whatever hair I have I’m still mummy, they still love me and they are still cheeky kiddies who find a way to laugh at me and with me.
You’ll still be Grandma and you’ll still be you to them and they’ll soon adapt to the new look gran.
Love L x
Hi Sandra
As some of the your fellow users have mentioned, if you decide to talk to your grandchildren you may find the book ‘mummy’s lump’ helps to explain things. If you would like to have a look at this book here’s the link:-
breastcancercare.org.uk/upload/pdf/MummysLump_-_English_%28BCC164%29.pdf
BCC also have a publication on how to go about talking to children about breast cancer. If you would like to look at this I have added the link below:-
breastcancercare.org.uk/upload/pdf/talking_to_your_children_about_breast_cancer_0.pdf
I hope you find these helpful
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
Hi Ladies,
Thank you for all your replies and good advice, and l know that you are right, l think it is me having the problem, just soooooooooo didn’t want to upset them.
The coldcap is a no go area with our oncologist, for whatever reason he has to my knowledge been against it for at least 10 years, doesn’t think the chemo reaches all areas! And while l could insist on the coldcap, l have put my trust in him, so am happy to go along with him. Not sure it would suit me anyway, hate coldness on and around my head, sends shooting pains through my head! sensitive head!
Lots of Hugs
Sandra xxx
Hi Sandra,
Good luck with your decision about how to deal with this tricky situation. I am a dance teacher and have a class of little ones to teach and am starting to wonder how on earth I am going to cope explaining to them if I am lucky enough to be able to still attend classes whilst on chemo. I will chat to the parents first who are all very supportive and we have all agreed to play it all by ear …so the class continues at the moment thankfully as it is my bit of ‘normality’.
One thing I did think of is… however I decide to 'display’myself whether it be wearing wigs/scarves/hats I hink that the kids wil be aware that it is some very strong medicine that causes it BUT the good bit is when it begins to grow back then it shows that the medicine is working as it should and hopefully that as your hair grows longer then it means that you are getting better and better…That I think will be a positive outlook and the kids can see for themselves and ‘measure’ how much better you are getting…
Just an idea as I dunno what to do/think really
Sue xx
Hi Sandra
I hope you do not stop your visits from your grandchildren - I think that would upset them much more than gran not having any hair. My hair started to grow back after 3 FEC and it didn’t take long when I finished chemo before I could go scarfless (not a wig person).
As others have said I think the truth is best and you will be surprised how well they will cope with your loss of hair. My children are grown up but they were all surprised how quickly they got used it. My youngest was worried about it but I shaved mine off when it started to come out - made me feel in control and she felt part of it and gave me lovely head massages.
Your grandchildren’s visits are obviously very important to you all please don’t stop them.
Lots of love Anne xx
Hi Sue, Yes you are right it has to be play it by ear, l think at the moment l am going through so many emotions, trying to work each one out, perhaps as my dear friend Maria, and many of you say …One step at a time!! and in time l will remind, each and everyone of you, that has said it to me over the last few months!
Good Luck with your dance class and chemo! Yes please Normality!
Hi Anne, A Very Big NO, there is NO way l would stop them from
coming,(silly me, what a thing to say) i am very close to them. just need to get my head and hair sorted out!! just imagined sitting up in the chair all night so my hair stayed in place…That is how important they are to me! Lol! Silly old woman than l have become. what has happened to my get up and go…gone?
Sending Lots of Hugs, that are always needed!
Sandra xxx
Hi Sandra
Just to say my kids are all grown up, but of the three of them, 1 never saw me bald, she couldn’t cope with it at all, & did not want to see my head until it was covered again. Once I had some hair though I was usually uncovered in the house, & once she came to visit with my grandson who is 2, & he saw me before I’d covered up for her. His response - ‘Oh Grannie you’ve had a haircut, that’s pretty’, & then not another word. I think when they’re young they take most things in their stride. If you don’t make it anything dramatic, neither will they. Hope so anyway.
Lots of luck with it
Hi Sandra
I really feel for you going through so much at the moment. I’m sure you will take it all in your stride - we are all here to support you. Totally agree with the one step at a time approach.
Sending big hugs
Anne xx
Hi Divvy,
Yes, l think if anyone was going to have a problem, it could be my eldest son, takes things so seriously! life is very black and white with him, bless him, but a big support, and loves him Mum to bits! and so he should!!!
Hi Anne,
My strides are getting very weak at times! and these are early days!but we obviously carry on, good days and not so good!
Not sure how long these forums have been running, but could not imagine life without them at the moment, certainly have helped me 100%.
I have Thanked you Ladies so many times, and l am going to do it again. Thank You
Lots of Hugs coming your way
Sandra xxx
Hi Sandra - I faced a similar situation with my then 10year old. he was panicked I would fetch him from school without my wig etc or a mate would call at home and catch me wigless. I always kept a beanie hat near the door cos I always took the wig off when I got home. He was more worried about it than his friends. During the summer I was at my parents and my brothers little ones (3 & 4 yrs) were there - it was so hot I asked my brother about taking my wig off as they had not seen me bald. He was fine and so we tried to make light of it and I took it off - their faces were a picture at first - we then got them to play with the wig, try it on and so forth and they patted my head etc and were fine - kids are very resilient - my advice is for the kids to see you at each stage of hair loss though, cos I was worried I had damaged my niece and nephew just whipping it off! Florence still looks at me now and I can see her wondering whether this is now my own hair, bless her! It doesnt last for ever thankfully, and before you know it you will have your own funky short style to show off - wish you well with everything and thinking of you x Debbie x
Hi Debbie,
You made me laugh, and remember the time when my children were very young, my Dad was playing a betting game with them, all of a sudden he said “bet you can’t put your teeth on the table”? (they were once very innocent!) they nearly fell on the floor when he took his teeth out! they still remember it now, 30 plus years!
Lots of Hugs
Sandra xxx