Happy in love but sad that mum is not happy for me

I recently met my boyfriend at the age of 36yrs in october 08, just when i thought i would never find love. After diagnosis in Nov 05, i had chemo, mastectomy and radiotherapy and have 2.5yrs to go on tamoxifen. Mymum was very supportive during this difficult time in my life and i am very grateful for that.

My mum has been urging me to go out and date and get married and settle down. I finally after giving it great thought (and ever so fearful of dating) went out dating and met my boyfriend. He was wonderful when i told him about my situation and accepted me as I am. I am very happy and never been so comfortable with any of the men i have ever dated.

Now that I have a boyfriend, my mother has been having tantrums since i met him. She dictates to me how often and when i should meet him, and how i should conduct my relationship (in a platonic manner). She has not met him and refuses to meet him or even talk about him. Its as if he doesnt exist. She can see how happy I am after all that i have been through, but has beeen giving me silent treatment since i met him. Recently she said some very nasty things to me, which were very hurtful and quite malicious.

I am so stressed out, esp as i am about to have recon surgery pretty soon, well as soon as date is available. Luckily my man is very supportive and that helps me a lot. My head is all over the place with the impending surgery (I am absolutely terrified) and to make matters worse i recently got made redundant and am therefore jobless. I am going to leave home as soon as i am able to financially.
Am i just being too emotional about things… i am just so all over the place and wish i didnt have to deal with the stressful situation at home.


Hi Jas

so sorry to hear that you are undergoing this stressful period just now. Have you told your mum how you are actually feeling and how upsetting this is for you ? You do have alot on your plate just now and could obviously do with your mums support. If she was supportive to you throughout your treatment is it perhaps that she maybe feels left out now you have found a boyfriend ? i dont know if that is the case but you do have to find out from her why she is behaving like this, especially as she hasnt even met your partner yet.
Have a clear the air chat let her know how you are really feeling and how frightened you are regarding your impending surgery and that you really need your mum on board at this time period. Yes you have your boyfriend but you still want your mum to be involved in things too, hopefully she will see that there is room for her and your boyfriend in your life and you should all be pulling together not apart.
Let us know how you get on x x

Hi Jas,
Your mum is probably feeling a little put out, especially if she has been the main one in your life , helping you with your bc, deep down she will be worried about losing you to someone else, moving out, mabe far away.
You will have to have a heart to heart and try and assure her you will always be there for her, i have a daughter too and she was about to move out to a new home and i couldn,t believe the way i felt, panicky and really stressed although i tried not to show it to her. As it happened the move fell through so she is still with me and i honestly did’nt know if i felt happy or sad about it as i want her to be independant and get on with her life. Is it just you and your mum or do you have other family living with you?.

hi renee and maximise

thanks for your reassuring words. I do feel a little better and it has helped put things into perspective.

My mum is currently away on holiday for 2wks and I am glad that she is gone away as it will her (and myself) to think about our relationship and whats happening. I have one younger sister and 2 brothers and although we are a big family, my mum depends a lot on me. So to an extent i can understand that she feels that she will lose me. I will definitely talk to her when she returns and hopefully by then i wll feel a lot calmer too.

meanwhile i am still waiting for an appointment and still jobless (although i did have an interview today, so fingers crossed)

thanks again


hi all

just wanted to update on how things havee been since i was last onlne.

As soon as i heard from the hospital about my recon, my mum did a total turnaround in her attitude to me and started talking to me (after months of silent treatment). i went into hospital on 2nd April for my recon and my boyfriend finally met with my mum (forced circumstancecs i know) and they both made an effort with each other. since i got back home, my boyfriend has been coming to visit me and spends the whole day with me and mum. i give them both credit as they both make an effort with each other, which makes me much happier. mum still finds it awkward being around him but i am sure that will change with time.have a long way to go but i am sure things will improve even more

apart from that i have been in agony since my surgery, i had the diep flap operation, which is a double whammy with tummy and breast pains after surgery. its going slow but i know i wil be out in the world getting on wth life once i am fit and healthy

meanwhile being at home, i am just enjoying the lovely weather in london (on the days the sun shines ie)