Hi Ladies
I am just wondering how many of you feel as though you have lost a significant relationship because of bc? My relationships with my husband and most of my friends have improved since my diagnosis… there is nothing like facing down the barrel of bc to make you appreciate the good things in your life but my relationship with my sister, who I have always been close to has really suffered. I can’t help but feel that she hasn’t been there for me since my diagnosis.
There is a distance both geographically and metaphorically between us that makes me very sad
x
My mother and father in law have been absolute pigs and would rather not speak to them any more! When my husband told them it took them 9 days to speak to me about it then that was forced as she came in the shop moaning that my OH hadnt been round at the weekend(the only time we see them if we go round)i told her she knew where we lived just round the corner.
They are so selfish if they are ever poorly we are expected to sort them out even though OH has a 45 year old brother who lives at home.They havent even asked my son (17 years old)how he feels or does he need anything or my OH .Have never been there for either of them not bothered about them not being there for me but thought they might have been there for them.
My father in law seems to know everything about cancer and once my treatment is over apparently i will just forget about it cos he knows loads of people who have!!!aaarrrrggggh. Now that really did put the knife in.
My family have been marvellous . My son and OH brilliant but my OH family if i never speak to any of them again it really wouldnt bother me. Knew they were selfish but now i know just how much.
I am sorry you feel like you and your sister have lost touch and she hasnt really supported you that must really hurt. Sending some hugs your way xx
Hi QORT
I also lost someone that I was very very close to for over 20 years. My best friend! As you’ve already said you do appreciate everything and everyone so much more when you’ve been diagnosed and I gained so many more friends as a result of having breast cancer.
But when I was in a big black hole and couldn’t see anything but death staring me in the face I really needed to talk to someone, but she wasn’t there for me and I felt so alone.
I didn’t want to upset my husband, daughter (21) and son (22). My husband and I often talked then cried together but I desperately needed to talk to HER and she wasn’t there for me.
Whilst I love her as I always have done, I just can’t forget it and sadly things will never be the same between us again.
We have talked about this, but she is now convinced that I hate her. Of course I don’t, but I will never feel the same way about her again.
Big hugs to you all.
Stella X
Have you tried talking to your sister about how you feel? I have an older brother who is very similar in some ways to the way our Mother was - he doesn’t like to talk about my illness although he does say that I am in his thoughts. I, on the other hand, need to talk about my illness - thankfully I have a very supportive OH and plenty of people to talk to. We are all different, and we all deal with things like this in our own ways.
It’s never to late to start up a conversation and see if there is some middle ground that can be reached.
Hi Stella and Lisha
Thanks for your replies
It sucks doesn’t it!
I can’t imagine my sister and I ever getting back to where we were before and that really upsets me.
It has taken me the best part of a year to finally ask her why… it hasn’t made me feel any better though… I don’t think she is being honest to me or herself with her answers but it was important to me to ask…
x
Queenie, you don’t need BC to have close family relationships fall apart.
I wouldn’t say I’ve had any relationships disappear, more likely the existing distance has been confirmed. I told one of my sisters (reluctantly) back in February, and she hasn’t been in touch since then, despite being on Facebook. We were never particularly close, but you would have thought she might phone.
Granted, I haven’t phoned her either…
I’m having problems with my mum - we were close.
Feel so sorry for you ladies who have lost touch with your sisters it must really hurt .My sister has always been there if i needed her yet we are so different that sometimes i have felt we were worlds apart .BC has brought us a lot closer and i see things more her way now than i ever used to she has helped me so much. I feel really sad for you .xx
Hi Queenie, my younger sister was diagnosed in the April and I was diagnosed in June 2008. My sister who was diagnosed with a different cancer has been brilliant all through my journey she has been there for me and still is if anything it has made our relationship stronger, I will never forget how she helped me along even though she herself was going through it. A different story with our other sister who never phoned, or contacted either of us, and then can you believe no birthday card or christmas card for either of us. Completely cut us both off good job we had each other to laugh or cry to, we have come through all that now and put it where it belongs in the back of our mind, not worth using our energy over, our sister knows why she has acted the way she has, her problem. Take care and look after yourself and those that are there for you, love junieliz
Hi,
I have had problems with my MiL and SiL both who supported me verbally, saying all the right things, an event took place where I was left with very hurt feelings, sadness and great disappointment in them and their actual feelings towards me. I realise I actually mean very little to them and all their caring comments etc were for the benefit of others, it made them look good. They are now very apologetic but I feel I just cannot talk to them at the moment…I find I am very bad now in stressful situations and when the event occurred I ended up sleeping for days, I was totally drained. I decided at that time that I had to take charge of myself. They let me down in my time of need (the only time). They are not worth my feelings of sadness rage etc. It feels quite cleansing. I’m not saying that I don’t care but I can’t be bothered with their excuses because no matter what is now said it cannot make up for the things that transpired. Everything was always about them I didn’t see it at the time but many others pointed this out to me but I always gave them the benefit of doubt, now I’m not. This time it’s about me and my feelings, I come first for the benefit of my own sanity x
I haven’t lost a relationship as such. I hadn’t seen my sister for over 20 years due to an abusive family past, long story.
We eventually met up after a sourt case against our father that collapsed. This was the first time we’d seen each other or spoken since she was 8 and I was 16.
We hit is right off. However, months later she said she wanted to sever contact for the time being due to her coming to realisations about her Mother who played a part in abusing me (she hadn’t abused her or my other stepsister) and couldn’t cope with it yet. Said it wasn’t my fault, nothing I’d done or said and she does really like me.
But when I had the diagnosis confirmed I emailed her to let her know about it and what was happening, also because I asked her if I find out it’s genetic does she want to know.
She came back to me and said she knew I was strong enough to deal with the BC and hoped for the best for me etc and didn’t what to know if it’s genetic.
So since Feb I haven’t heard a THING from her at all. Now if that were me, I’d have been thinking about it and wanted to know how treatment was going. Would it have hurt her to email me at least or drop me a card? She doesn’t have to speak to me. Her reasons for cutting contact was because of the cloud hanging over our hears about her Mum’s abuse of me but I said I wouldn’t talk about it til she was ready. But why does that stop her from showing she cares whilst I@m having treatment?!!
I have to say, I feel very hurt about that. I’m a very tough old bird so I’m not overwhelmed by it, but I do feel quite angry and let down. It wouldn’t hurt her to have sent me a card saying she is thinking of me or something. I just can’t imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, not doing at least that.
EL KAT i’m not sure that a ‘thinking of you’ card would have made you feel better… thats all i have had from my brother sent when i was DX back in Feb… nothing since. He lives up in yorkshire and i am down in dorset, and I admit we dont have a close relationship, but I have been hurt by his apparent lack of care, I’m guessing my mum keeps him up to date on me, but right now if he did bother to actually ask me how things are I would be very tempted to tell him to s*d off.
I have also noticed how people I thought would be fussing over me arnt and those who I didnt do!. My SIL was great at visiting me when i was in hos when i had my MX but then she does work there, since then she has hardly bothered with me, sometimes I feel like she has forgotten whats going on!
Gosh what a miserable selfish madam i sound like!
This really struck a chord. I am lucky to have v supportive OH, children and friends, but also feel very sad that my relationship with my (only) sister will never be the same. I had hoped we could talk openly about bc but she is v reluctant, also talks/acts as if I have been on some lucky 6-month paid holiday rather than surgery and chemo. I know this may be fear/denial but am finding it very hard to get my head round, think I should just lower my expectations. Best wishes to everyone in a similar situation, this ‘let down’ feeling is very painful.
The first time I got breast cancer (age 35) the guy I was seeing at the time said he couldn’t handle it (after seeing my lumpectomy) and left within 24 hours of my operation.
After getting over the last lot of treatment and recovery, I hooked up with an old boyfriend from many years ago. Good old Facebook. This time I was diagnosed (2.5 years later) - he has stood by me through it all.
Now I look back to the first bf and think that thankfully, the treatment for cancer removed more than one parasitic lump :).
Incidentally, a very close friend behaved really oddly the first time and I hardly saw or heard from her. I think she had such a hard time accepting it. This time round - I see and hear from her all the time. Think she just accepts I will be OK. x
forgot to say that my sister who i have on FB and we text every now and then , seemed to be unable to actually look at me or talk to me when I saw her back at Easter, (she lives near our parents and we were up there for a visit) Now my mum has decided that for her 65th bday she has book a hotel for her me and sister for 2 nights… all in 1 room… I so cant wait!
My older sister lives abroad, but she was over staying with me when I found out I had cancer. My diagnosis came out of left field as I’d already been told all my results were clear (long story, but it was found when I had a fibroid removed). I got hit with the news on the last day of my sister’s holiday and my husband has never forgiven her for getting on the plane the following morning as he says he could not have done that to his younger sister. I should mention before she moved abroad we lived 10 minutes from each other for years.
My sister is single and is the sort of person who is a bit me, me, me, and she doesn’t face up to things. During the time I was ill she either stayed away or came over and visited friends in other parts of the country. She then came over on a scheduled visit 2 days after I was taken into hospital isolation and my OH had to insist she came to the hospital with him. The whole time she was there it was obvious she just wanted to get away to get her hair done. She was staying at my house but had booked herself on a holiday.
I got really upset about all this, then I went for counselling and decided her selfishness wasn’t worth bothering about, I had to think about myself first. Truth is, she’s always been a bit jealous of me as I was a very late arrival to the family; also because I’ve been in a successful marriage 25 years and because I went to university and got a degree as a mature student (when I graduated she told me I had been a pain in the backside for 3 years when I was studying). BC put a wedge between us but I think it would have happened anyway. She is over in the UK at the moment, again not coming near me. I bumped into my brother today and he told me she’s in Cornwall on holiday. I don’t think things will ever be the same with us, but I know she will expect me and my OH to be around when she comes home to retire in a couple of years. I’m afraid I’m too busy running our business.
My younger sister told me outright that she never wants to talk about it and she is happy living in denial, no thought to how I was feeling or what I wanted to do or talk about… To be fair she has always been quite spoilt and selfish being the youngest, but I was a little bit shocked when she said “this is fine, I’ll be fine, you’ll have the treatment and it will be fine”!!! As mad as it sounds it did make me giggle a bit, especially the part about her being fine!!!
I am so lucky and grateful that I have fantastic supportive friends and 2 very special Aunts who really have kept my spirits up whenever they could, not always saying or doing the right thing but just being there, love them. Sometimes we have to accept what we’re dealt and cling on and hope for the best and count on the ones that count, they may not always be related to you, best wishes to all xxx
My problem with my sister (my only sibling) is that I stupidly expected more from her.
We live about 400 miles apart and if I hadn’t managed to travel up to see everyone a few times since my dx, despite not always feeling all that wonderful, we wouldn’t have seen each other at all.
We used to be so close.
I feel as though she is trying to distance herself from me and it hurts.
Thank God for my wonderful husband and fantastic friends
Love to everyone x
It is a shame when people don’t live up to our expectations, especially the one’s we love the most. Things can always improve and I hope they do for you QORT, your sister may just need a bit of time to adjust. Unlike mine, but I learned to accept her for what she is and that I was never going to be able to lean on her for any kind of support! It would be lovely if my sister could be there for me, but I have to accept it’s just not her sadly!!!
In the meantime, please accept a great big sisterly cyber ((hug)) from me xxx
Thanks for those words SW
It’s a sad lesson isn’t it?
I had managed to put it out off my head (almost) while I was having my surgeries etc as I had to concentrate on me and recovering but now that I’m coming up the first anniversary of my dx it’s in my thoughts a lot again. I suppose the anniversary is a time of reflection.
Thanks for the hug
xx