SW this is my sister’s problem - she has always been totally in denial about me having BC. The evening I was diagnosed she said to me “oh well, this time next year you’ll be cured, it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry” which just took my breath away. She would email me with stuff like this all the time, also those awful American light a candle for BC virals and cartoons reminding me to go for a mammo. Then it was magazine cuttings of womens stories. I had to tell her to stop as it was winding me up. Once when she phoned my OH said to her “you have no idea what your sister is going through at the moment”. After I came out of isolation she said to me she wouldn’t stay with us again as she felt me and my OH had “a bit of a stir” going on in our lives at that point. We were absolutely speechless!
My OH doesn’t want her staying when she comes over because he thinks she uses us as a free hotel base whilst she goes off with all her friends and spends no time with us. It was the same when I moved back from London to look after our dad for a bit - she would come up on the premise she was giving me a rest. Her flight would arrive at 11am and she’d turn up at midnight after spending the day with friends having lunch, dinner and going shopping. Then she would be out all weekend so I just got left to look after dad anyway. My OH was still living in London at the time as he had business commitments and was selling our house - when he came up to visit he would look after my dad for the weekend. Dad had dementia and she couldn’t deal with that either - she moved overseas when his disease meant he finally had to go into care and she just said there was nothing she could do, if dad died we would just have to contact her about the funeral!
wow, cherub, that is some relative you have to deal with there!!! But thankfully your OH sounds like a great source of support.
After 30 odd years I’ve learnt to love my sis for what she is, a complete pain in the wotsit!! Don’t get me wrong there are still times when I can’t believe some of the things she says or does, it’s not easy but I’ve just resided myself to the fact that there’s nothing I can do about her, and it’s a waste of my energy and emotion which can be used better elsewhere on my fabulous friends and 2 brilliant and eccentric Aunts, good luck and take care xxx
Yes, I now feel like that too SW. Funny thing is, it was when I was having counselling via my breast clinic - one days I was cleaning the bathroom when I light bulb went on in my head and I thought “why am I bothering about this?”. No idea what cleaning the bathroom had to do with it lol!
Una12’s posting struck a cord with me - the feeling of being let down was very painful for a long time. Prior to our dad being taken ill and me having to move in with him my house in London was seriously flooded and we couldn’t live there. Had it been my sister’s house I would have been the first on the scene to help clear up the mess. We stayed at my sisters for 2 nights but she told us she didn’t have room. She didn’t visit the mess for 2 months, by which time I was in a drab rented bungalow that had 1970s decor and carpets. She came there once and said “well, I’ll not be visiting here again, what a dump”.
I guess with that, going abroad when our dad was ill, then her behaviour when I got BC made me feel let down very badly 3 times. Then when I was 50 back in May I got a load of sentimental emails saying “oh, I remember when you were born…”
Sadly BC dredges up a lot of things from the past - I think my late mum always resented having another child 8 years after my sis as she was in her 40s by then. She used to favour my sis and would say to me as a teenager I would never be like her and I think I have sometimes gone out of my way to please my sis because of this.I had to learn how to dump all that crap from my head as well.
Like Katytc says, sounds like you should be very proud of all the ways you are different from your sister. I know what you mean about bc dredging up the past - I think I have lots of stuff in my head too about dealing with my mum’s dementia over the last few years and always feeling the one who had to be responsible. Perhaps I thought with bc my sister would change in some way, but as others on the thread have said you have to accept them as they are or otherwise you can drive yourself mad - and of course concentrate on all those who will support you through the tough times. (Though easier said than done sometimes!)
I have lived alone for many years and with the dx of BC after a whole load of other health and relationship problems I was devestated to say the least but it didn’t last long and I was very realistic about treatment, cure etc.
I have an older brother and sister one whom never got in touch and the other telling me I would be fine… She never asked and never listened to my inner fears so they were never shared.
Friends stepped in to help with 1st op, 2nd op and eventually mx op and all the repurcussions of recovery but they too never asked any questions…
Luckily I found this site just before my mx and I thank the day I did for all the wonderful support I have received from so many different people here. A group of us met up earlier this year for our anniversary in Feb and we still support each other on the forum.
I coped ok with the mx recovery but it was littered with problems and as soon as I stopped attending the hospital for active treatment, it did appear as if family and friends just slipped away…
Recently the impact of the effects of BC have really grown…
I’m better healed than I ever thought after 18 months but I feel so alone! It feels like every relationship has changed and BC is never to be mentioned!!! Maybe I’ve bored them rigid but they seem to keep away from its existence and I feel even lonelier now than ever…
No one ever asks the question about how BC has shaped my life and my future, no one…
I feel hurt from ALL my friends for not acknowledging this huge episode of my life that now I’m ashamed to mention it…
I know that I’ve turned away from many of them because it’s easier and less painful. I still see my friends but our relationships seem more shallow and more about social engagements rather than intense talks about our lives, our worlds, our hopes, our sadnesses, our successes and of course our interactions.
Life and living has become more beautiful since my dx because mine was a primary dx and I have a safe outlook but I’m so sad that my relationships have changed their colour and intensity.
As for my family my brother has still not been in touch…
And my sister tells me her health issues are worse than mine!!!
We are now in competition!
Does it really matter who is more tired just that we’re both pissed off with being so tired…
I’m afraid writing this into the ether has helped me feel less alone but have I changed away from my old self so much???
Me (plus my BC symptoms which may never improve…)is obviously a new me. A me that has lost an awful lot of relationships!
I feel so sad by this as I have no wonderful OH to compensate…
I think the relationship I miss most is the one I used to have with me. I used to know who I was - now I don’t recognise the pe
rson who’s sitting in my chair and dealing with those around me. I have had my troubles but have always been able to deal with them in the past but now I don’t know who I am any more, and I don’t like who I see. anyone know where I’ve gone?
I have come to realise that having breast cancer is a lonely experience
no matter what relationships you have. Family, friends and acquaintances will let us down. They are probably the people who have let us down in previous situations. I am fed up always trying not to upset other people, deciding how much to tell them, do they really want to know when they say “how are you?” - usually not.
I wonder if I’m expecting too much.
The people who have surprised me and are constantly there for me( even if it’s just keeping in touch) are those friends who were slightly removed from me before. Maybe family can’t deal with the thought this might actually kill us?
I have become very good at recognising the people who say "let me know if there’s anything I can do? " and then disappearing. Easy opt out.
Something I’ve heard quite often is “I didn’t want to bother you when you’re having such a bad time”, to which I respond “But everyones not bothering me becaues they’re worried about intruding or something, so I’ve ended up lonely!” and then said “Just ring me and I’ll tell you if I’m not up for company”.
Perhaps a lot of it is that people don’t want to intrude, and don’t realise that they’re not. And if they did, they’d see that for the most part, we’re the same people we were. People are so scared of cancer.
I have been very fortunate but a few people have shunned me. I am on my own with my fears and don’t know what I would do without this forum. I am fed up of SEs and feeling naff. I want my old life back, have had to retire. Reality has now set in and I get scared sometimes
X Sarah
Your feelings reasonate so much with me. The relationship that has changed is the one I have with myself. The person I was, the way I thought, the confidence I had, the carefree approach…all have changed. I am having to reconcile myself with the ‘new me’ and it is she who I think people don’t quite get. I look like the ‘old me’ so they expect her to be there, and I’m not.
What a difference the past year has made to my life. I have been very fortunate with family and friends who have been there throughout, but I struggle to come to terms with what has happened, who I am and what I feel I have lost in my life. I also know that I am a very lucky person, I was diagnosed early, had all the treatment available, remain on Herceptin and am picking up my social, working, family life. I wish everyone well. J.
Indeed. I think people just want me to “get back to normal” - only I don’t know what normal is any more - I just know it won’t be the same… So, my first “task” is to give myself time to get to know myself (if you see what i mean)… Jane
well said Charlotte, whilst it is a bit sad that some relationships suffer, I thank my lucky stars I found this site and the fantastic people on it xxx
Hi all you lovely brave ladies xx
8 yrs ago my younger sister was dx with BC. she lived 200 miles away it was difficult getting to see her. what with work family probs etc, but I rang her 2/3 times a week then after her treatment she cut herself off saying myself and 2 other sister were just not there for her??? that was 8 yrs ago we hav,nt spoken since, sadly I was diagnosed BC last xmas she sent a card but has,nt spoken to me at all, my other 2 sisters who live within a 10 mile radius made no effort to see me during “the worst times” so maybe i,d be in my rights to shun them as my other sister did with us… But do you know what, I would,nt do it I feel sorry for them that they just didnt find it in their hearts to support me and I have come thro it with no wish to break whats left of our family ties, at the end of the day love for your family should be unconditional… I know its hard sometimes and I guess things will never be the same but how my sister could just turn her back on us all i,ll never know… so my story is seeing it from both sides accused and a victim. How sad life is and cancer is such a dreadful thing to have as part it…it seems to bring some very wierd emotions out!
If a relationship dies because of Cancer or the road it entails then that relationship was,nt worth having so dont grieve its loss just remember it may be the end to one thing but the start to something more precious…the rest of your life! xxxxxxxx stay strong
I read and listen to a lot of stuff by Jon Kabat-Zinn, he is a psychologist in Massachusettes (sp?) and he teaches a mindfulness meditation programme worldwide. I keep stuff of his on my iPod and I also have it as CDs. Some of the patients who attend his group sessions are in remission from cancer,have suffered other serious illnesses or accidents. Some are bereaved and struggling with grief.
He has a theory that when we are born we are given an imaginary bag. From childhood when we are told we are not good at something,when we fall out with siblings, parents etc, or bad things happen to us, we dump them in the bag and store them there. Eventually in adulthood the bag has become about 20 feet long,we are dragging it through life behind us and our subconcious mind doesn’t know what to do about it. After a stressful episode it would be too terrifying to let everything out of the bag at once, so you have to learn to get rid of 1 or 2 things from the bag at a time. I have found this a very interesting theory and I try to follow this when things start worrying me. I think of the bag as made from a long piece of horrible beige canvas, with some of the contents so old they are festering so they have to be got rid of.
You can get his books and meditation CDs fairly cheaply on Amazon and can also find it as MP3 downloads. For anyone who is interested in stress management I’d recommend him. He is a very interesting and upbeat talker when you hear his voice; also his meditations are good, especially the Body Scan which leaves you feeling energised and focused.