help complete meltdown yesterday!!

Hi everyone,

Had a very bad day yesterday in fact cried more yesterday than when I found out I had bc. Nearly finished my rads. Hospital about an hour away when I got off the bus it was torrential rain and I was drenched I mean I could have wrung my trousers out they were sopping wet! Had to wait around half an hour for treatment not too bad, missed bus had to wait another hour. Went to have a cup of tea but queue was enormous so gave up got back on the bus and got off in town still pouring with rain. My husband and I have just recently separated after 35 years and I have moved home so I have had to change bank accounts etc went into bank for the 50th time slight exaggeration,to make a complaint went reasonably well then the woman said something kind to me and I completely fell to pieces, I couldn’t stop crying had to be led into a private room took ages for me to calm down I have never felt so embarrassed. In fact I really don’t think I’ll be able to go in to bank ever again!! What’s happening to me I’m hoping it’s the tamoxifen?? I feel as though I’ve turned into crazy lady I mean what happens next the cashier in tescos asks me if I need a bag and I breakdown again??? Please reassure me that this is normal behaviour, thank you.

Hi Blueew

Of course you are normal!! From what you’ve said you have experienced in 12 months something’s that others never experience in a life time.
Firstly - cancer. This little git comes along and throws your life upside down. You become unsure about your body, you suffer gruelling treatment to get rid of it and go through all of the physical changes associated with this. Now the end of treatment is in sight (tam aside) you will need to find your feet again and learn to live again.

Secondly - separation. Splitting up/ getting divorced is a very traumatic thing. No matter the reasons, when you first decided to live with this man you meant it for life. You will have either consciously or subconsciously planned out your life map with him, maybe involving kids or places you would go together. Now that map has changed and you are unsure of what the future brings - not necessarily bad, just unknown and not what you hD hoped for.

Considering these it’s no wonder that your brain finally said “enough”. You can only take so much in your stride before you take no more. Have you been able to speak to someone about your fears and hopes? You have taken so much in there comes a point when you need to let something out.

Maybe call the helpline to see if they can recommend where you can turn or to simply sound off. Be kind to yourself, there’s nothing weak or wrong in crying - it just took the good old British weather to be the final straw!

Take care xxxxx

Things do just get to you and you have had more than most. I too had “The Screaming Abdabs” as I called it, when I was at about the same stage as you, cried, screamed and yelled! (my husband decided PC World was suddenly calling!). I slammed down the biscuit pot which then broke and all the biscuits went all over the floor. My dogs thought all their Christmases and Birthdays had come at once! The grim reality sets in at times.I still cry quite often at the slightest things so you are not alone.xxx

Hi blueew. I had a terrible day also if it’s any consolation. I had axillary clearance a week last Monday and have been in constant pain for 4 days. I felt at the end f my tether and if that wasnt enough had a letter from head office saying they are restructuring and will need to re apply for my job! The new roles of which have been halved in the country will start 1st oct. So if am lucky may have a job to go back to. Things just pile up and I guess you may feel a bit better having let it all out yesterday. You must feel like I do that bc and they systems rule your life andn wonder who you were before all this. You have the added sorrow of separation which must feel a great loss.
I cant drive yet and feeling pretty stir crazy at home, think I may have to hijack a car and somehow get a star bucks fix, I really hope your day is better

I think the key is the recent separation - it’s a real bereavement, whatever the reason. Half of your life has been torn away, just at a time when you need support/care/acceptance/love… and grief has a habit of taking over at inconvenient times… you don’t say if you’ve got children… if so, are they supportive? Have you got good friends? If not, it might be an idea to see if you can find someone professional to talk to - just to get all the grot OUT! I think sometimes we just cope and cope and cope and then, when something ELSE happens that’s major, it’s too much. Don’t beat yourself up lovely lady… have a hug… Jane

hi again,
thank you so much for your help, I have two daughters and a little grandaughter who makes me smile every day, they are very supportive. My husband don’t really know what to call him is supportive too and basically we are very amicable. I am extremely happy in my new flat only been here 3 weeks but already feeling a sense of freedom!! I do actually feel pretty positive therefore what happened yesterday??? Obviously I feel some resentment towards husband but have really said all I want to say to him regarding what’s happened to our marriage. I phoned my daughter after the bank episode could hardly speak as I was still sobbing she did calm me down. I know I have experienced a lot in the last 4 months bc, separating and moving house but seemed to be coping only a few blips now and then therefore that’s why I felt yesterday’s performance was such a shocker. I know I will have good days and bad ones but did my meltdown have to be so public any more advise would be extremely grateful feel a bit of a wimp when reading others stories but maybe someone else has experienced the same or about to!!! thank you all again

Ignoring the cancer, ignoring the separation, just having the sort of day where you’ve been delayed, soaked, had to wait forever, no cup of tea, JUST THAT would finish me off!

I think you did really well to get as far as the bank without blowing up and melting, I’d have been climbing trees by the time it was my turn for treatment let alone all the rest! Personally I think you deserve a flipping medal for staying together for most of the day.

As for the bank, I’m sure they really don’t mind and will be feeling very concerned for you. If it makes you feel better (it might) then how about popping into the bank at a quiet time to have a word with the people who were nice to you and to thank them for looking after you. I’m sure you’ll get absolutely star treatment from them any time you come in. My daughter works in a bank and they’d much rather have nice people than those who come in and scream and shout at them.

My most recent meltdown was in the chemo unit because the onc had filled in a piece of paper wrong! The lovely chemo nurses parked me in a side room and I blubbed like a baby. And they were very sweet when I had to come in the following day for poisons. Sometimes there are days when even the slightest thing sends me through the ceiling.

Yep, sometimes emotions just take over - I’m a great crier anyway and actually see it as an important release and also a signal to me to “stop and think” and take stock and then move on.
Glad you are feeling able to share your feelings - I think I often “cope” and then collapse in tears a bit later on and it does sound as though you’ve been through alot over the past few weeks - and the rain was probably the last straw!
Take care - and do be kind to yourself
Fran

I agree with Choccie. That was one helluva day. What with everything else I think you are a superstar. As for being normal. What is normal anyway? Be yourself and proud of it. Good days and sunshine are just around the corner. x

hi
after starting my tamoxifen 8 weeks ago I decided to go into to M@S simply food [local and well known to me].I began hyperventilating and went dizzy -next thing I knew I was blubbing lik a baby and they called my husband who came to retrieve me.Since then I have had acute dizzy spells when I move my head or change position . I have never experienced any thing like it before or after and normally quite controlled.
Sometimes you just haveto let it out-crying is good and and I am now 3 months down the line and still having good and bad days -sometimes I feel I deliberately think the worst scenarios to test myself and then I cry -bizarre.One thing I do know is we are all “normal” and very unique.
I think you have more to cope with than most and are incredably brave.Try not to be to hard on yourself and hopefully the bad feelings will go . remember time heals and the sun was shining today xx

Hi,
Thank you all so much for your replies you have all helped me a great deal. Yesterday I was “normal” sun was shining literally.
I now assume I will have these lapses now and then which I agree with others that it is a good thing for release but I really do not want to be so public!!! I feel weird about it as when that feeling comes on there was absolutely no stopping it and after everything that has happened I think I am a control freak meaning I have to be in control of myself and be totally organised. Maybe thats my way of coping. I nearly went back into bank yesterday to say thanks but there was a large queue I think perhaps it might be easier if I do go back in thanks chocciemuffin. Just have to build up the courage, last rads today hurrah!!! Can anyone tell me what happens afterwards?? Many many thanks once again your advice and stories are very much appreciated.

Hi blueew

Go out and treat yourself to something nice today - reaching the end of rads is a big milestone worth celebrating. You’ve been through so much, you deserve it.
Hugs
Lilac x

hi, thank you lilac, i’ve planned a special tea, Yum yum!!
Would be very grateful if anyone could help with what happens after rads, many thanks Elaine

so happy that you feel better-I now go in and out of the shop I had my melt down and realise that whilst it was big for me it wasnt for them-any way they never know whats around the corner for them !!!
after my rads finished three weeks ago we went out for a slap up meal with the family I then had a lie in as all my rads appointments were 8.30 am so did enjoy not running around
treat each thing as a milestone -we have celebrated my daughters 17th birthday,younger daughters 15th birthday,dogs 7th birthday and my husband completed a 107 mile bike race and we had a celebration for that.
we are now clebrating the opening of an envelope and the fact that I kept in the black this month !![heeheee]
good luck and big hugs
Dx

Hi all,

Was just looking on the site for help with meltdowns and read all these posts. I feel as though I am going completely mad, and keep bursting into tears too. I wondered if it was something about the TAX, I had my last one just over a week ago and start rads soon.

Evrything seems to have hit at once, my OH lost his job and moved back to the UK. Now we all have to move back. My daughter has just gone to the USA for the summer with her dad and she will be coming back to the UK, so we have had leaving parties for her and sorting out her clothes etc and today I had to go and pick up her school report and say goodbye to her teacher, yesterday it was my other daughters teacher I said goodbye to and I couldn’t control myself in the classroom looking at her little name tags everywhere. My OH new car has now blown the head gasket and we have no money. He has also lost his place to live and needs to find somwhere new this week. then we got another tax bill in, not much but another bloody thing. We have to figure out what to do with our cats and put our dogs in quarantine. i have to get the girls into their new schools and buy uniforms etc. I can’t sleep at night as soon as I lie down all these things and more run around my head until my heart hurts and I can’t breath properly!! I have never been a worrier or a person that gets depressed so that’s why I wonder if it is some side effect of TAX or Herceptin that does this to you!!

OK, jeez what a rant, sorry i didn’t expect that! I think its a mix of having not one bit of energy, achy legs, mouth ulcers etc etc and all this other poop!

Now I sound like its all about me!! Sorry girls!

Blueew, I am so sorry about your marriage split sweetie after 35 years… but life will be fine. You are over the worst of all your treatment now honey, all this can only make us all stronger in the long run. People love to help when someone is hurt so don’t worry about the bank, they will be pleased to see you again. Keep your chin up… it seems from reading this thread it happens to us all, I don’t know why that should make us feel better, but at least we are not going crazy alone!!

End of rant… no more tears, Lizzy xxxxx

OMG, Lizzy, what a massive pile of junk you have on your plate! I’m having to have a lie-down just reading that lot, how horrid! Know what you mean about the tax man though.

A small thing to remind you of, learnt from other taxers (I’ve been lucky and haven’t had it) is that tax messes with your head and your moods. So don’t blame yourself, blame the poisons.

Blue, glad you’ve had some normal days to follow your mega rubbish one. (The day, not you.)

hi everyone,
thanks again for your replies, it’s really helpful to know I am not the only “crazy” lady!!! (I mean that in a good way). Had my yummy tea last night but just feel tired this morning I can feel the tears just in the background if you know what I mean so I am avoiding shops and banks today will just stay at home first day for 3 weeks.Oh Lizzy what a time you are having makes mine seem trivial, hope things pick up for you real soon. It’s awful when you just keep going over things in your mind and you can’t see an end to any of your problems. My husband and I were living in the same house for around 3 months prior to moving. We had a family holiday booked. When we came back from holiday my daughter and I were moving so we came home on Fri night got keys on Mon morning, moved that night, was kinda organised and started rads on the Wed. Prior to moving all I could think about was how am I going to do all of this? But everything went so smoothly, so there is hope!! Very grateful to you all for responding keep them coming, Elaine

A long time ago, I chose to leave my first OH (abusive man) and I thought that because it was my choice, I’d be fine emotionally… wrong!!! I was hyper-organised… got back from holiday and my car had already been loaded, but I still fell apart loads over the weeks/months that followed, and I wasn’t having any treatment for cancer! Be gentle with yourself… hard to do that sometimes, and us ladies aren’t always good at putting self first, but this is the time to try to!