HELP - I NEED TO CRY/SCREAM/SHOUT

I’m really sorry to be writing this as I have tried to deal with everything myself but at the moment I am going through a bad patch. I was diagnosed a year ago and came through chemo and radiotherapy. All through this I kept working and kept to as normal a life as possible, laughing and joking. But apart from seeing my body format totally changed I feel that the cancer has highlighted everything thats wrong in my life, eg marriage, job. I want to be on my own but am I being selfish and what happens if I fall sick. My husband supported me through chemo as much as he could but he has a nasty temper and I just feel that I am not happy being with him and life is too short. But am I strong enough to get away.

Can we still get mortgages/housing? I seem to have forgotten how to laugh at the moment and the tears are bubbling under the surface waiting to rush out.

I am so sorry if this seems like a complete mess to you all but I am fed up with having to be positive at the moment. I need a hug and a miracle.

Sorry you’re feeling so low, i’m sending a big hug to you right now…
I was diagnosed in June and it has been such a rollercoster of emotions. What has changed about me most is that ‘i want to cut out the crap in my life’. For me it means changing my job, keeping with the friends who have supported me and not getting myself get depressed about those that seem to have deserted me. It seems a natural reaction to me Rosegreen, but i feel you need to talk to someone like a counceller. I’m going to breast cancer haven in London and having different therapies including Life Coaching. the decisions you make are important ones and you need to make sure they are not made when you are depressed.
I certainly have not got it together myself yet but i’m trying. Its so hard sometimes! How old are you / Have you got children?
love Julie (i’m 40 with 2 children)

Hi

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. Since being diagnosed, I too have changed my perspective on a whole lot of things, especially, like Julie says, the crap in my life. This has mainly been to ditch those friends who don’t give a damn about me, and to treasure those who do. I don’t want to waste my energy on people/situations that make me unhappy.

I too think it would do you good to see a Counsellor - but also confide in your friends too, as they know you better than anyone.

Please don’t apologise either, I think we all get fed up with being positive all the time !

Sending you a huge cyber hug, and hope you feel tons better soon.

Love Julie xxx

Hi Julie8

Thankyou for your comments. I’m 51. I was diagnosed just before my 50th last year. Had my mastectomy on my brother’s birthday and was told by him that I had ruined his birthday. He was getting married a few weeks later and said I had ruined his wedding as well. I made it to the wedding despite further comments of “hopefully you will be able to use a knife and fork”. I havent seen my mother for years. She did ring a lot but never visited. As soon as the op was over people stopped bothering, despite the fact that I still had some way to go.

I haven’t been able to have any children and certainly can’t now. My husband didn’t tell me he didn’t want any until after we were married. So my pets are my children.

Everything came out in a blur on my entry probably because my head is a mess. But I am so conscious that I am not infallible now and I keep wanting to do everything as soon as possible.

Hi rosegreen

If you would like some further support during this difficult time please feel free to contact our helpline on 0808 800 6000. Our helpliners are either specialist breast care nurses or people who have had personal experience of breast cancer so will have an understanding of how you feel right now. The team can talk to you about other forms of support we can offer such as ‘Peer support’ and ‘Live chat’ if you feel it would help, or can just provide a ‘listening ear’. The helpline opens Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.

Best wishes
Sam
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Rosegreen

I am sorry you feel so depressed, expecially when you have done so well, on your own resources mainly. That tells me you are a strong person and I am sure you can do anything you want to. My advice would be to talk to your husband if you can and possibly go to Relate with him. If he doesnt want to go you could still go on your own. I am divorced and live on my own and have 2 daughters who live a long way away and I was estranged by my parents 32 years ago because they did not like my choice of boyfriend as he was at that time. My mother does not even know I have breast cancer. To be perfectly honest, the initial shock for everyone has worn off, and now I have found that in my case not many people seem to care. But I long got to the point of expecting anything from anyone so I am not disappointed. I have a good job although it drives me mad and I make my life what I want it to be. Yes sometimes I am lonely but I am not unhappy as many people I know are. Take stock, realise that you are a special person who has gone through a lot and deserve what ever you want. As you say we are only here once, and I dont want to die thinking ‘if only’.

Love

Madeline

Hi Rosegreen,
Here’s a big hug coming your way. Hope you’re feeling a bit better than earlier.
I think Madeline has a point about counselling for you and your husband, as you say he has supported you. Would you like to be with him if you could just erase the anger issues, or is your gut feeling that you don’t want to be with him anyway? Of course you are strong enought to leave him and start again on your own, you have shown that already by getting yourself through so much. But I would hate you to throw away something good and supportive because a) you’re feeling so down and can’t see the wood for the trees or b) he can’t express his feelings about your illness (and other things) except through anger, and that pushes you away. Counselling can be very powerful if people are willing to change.
I send you love and hopes for a brighter future,
Jacquie x

Hi Rosegreen

I know this may sound a bit harsh and to some more than a little weird, but having had breast cancer gave me a kick up the backside and the push that I needed to think of “me” sometimes and not everyone else. Its almost like it takes something really serious to make you come to terms with what is wrong in your life and to give you the confidence to do something about it. If you can get through all the horrible dx, treatments, waiting for results, surgeries etc then you can get through anything. Its almost like being given a second chance at putting your life in order and doing the things you really want to. Its so easy just to sit back and “put up” with things for fear of upsetting the apple cart, your family have certainly thought about themselves and not you, now its your turn to think about the things that are really important to you and whats the best way forwards. Don’t do anything rash or without thinking about possible consequences, but if you decide you want to try something new or in a different way, go for it. Whatever you do its going to be difficult, but as my recently departed Dad always said “enjoy the good days, get through the bad ones”. That applies to any situation you may find yourself in. One thing is for sure though - don’t live on regrets.

Sending you lots of hugs
K

Hi Rose
It’s apparently quite normal to feel down at the end of the treatment - i wish someone had told me before it happened. It’s also common that relationships change as a result of what’s happened to us. I suppose I always thought that it would be my husband’s attitude to me that would change, but in fact it’s been much more about how I feel about him. If you want to be on your own, then fine, it’s your decision. I would just suggest that you take your time in making your mind up - if you are even just a little bit depressed it may not be the time to turn your life upside down. I do hope you feel better, even for telling us how you feel. Been there, got the T shirt - sorry you had to join me!
Sarah
XXX

Hi rosegreen
blimey i feel for you as i could write a book about hubby and I and my Dx etc etc.

2months before Dx we almost split up, too complicated to discuss on here.

Oct this year i was 2 yrs from Dx and on my 46th birthday we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, the little love did a suprise party which was gorgeous.
Your hubby may have a temper mine hasnt but he has other things which make it difficult like being very unemotional and rationalising everything and being a workacholic.

I cannot tell you what to do but at this stage i would say try and stick with it. Blimey i just could not face any changes just now.

If you would like to whisper me i will help any way i can.

Rx

Hi liverbird

Many thanks. I tried emailing you but the system didn’t recognise you.

rosegreen

Hi Rose

I just wanted to send you a hug… I think that being dx with bc gives you a huge reality check and you start questioning everything about your life. I got very depressed and anxious and Mc Millan nurse reffered me for cognitive therapy. It worked in that I finally understood that the way I felt was because, prior to diagnosis, I lived in a sort of safe bubble then everything came crashing down and I couldn’t trust my feelings anymore. In other words, my lovely safe world was now a scary place to be. I can’t comment on your husband other than to say my husband is incredibly intolerant but his support this last year has been incredible and I now try not to get too stressed over his moods. I too adore my pets and, when I feel down, grab my Yorkie for a squeeze and smell ( dog lovers will know what I mean ).

Sorry for the monologue of epic proportions Rose and hope you feel better soon

Love
Debbie