Hi
does anyone know where I can find any info to give to my very cross 16 year old.
She has become really short tempered with me since my diagnosis and I dont think she is coping too well.
Kay
Hi Kay
There is a booklet on here about talking to your kids - this also gives details of other resources available too, at the back.
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/talking_to_your_children_about_breast_cancer_0.pdf
Is there any kind of counselling services available at her school - someone she could talk to impartially? My health board provides sessions for teenagers - either as a group or one to one.
I hope you find something to help her. It is difficult sometimes for them to take it all on board, and I think, certainly with my kids (aged 10 and 21) - there were times when I was the last person they wanted to speak to - I think they felt there were certain topics or areas that were ‘no-go’ areas - and they couldn’t be as frank as perhaps they wished (though they could have been !).
Good luck
Margaret x
Thanks Margaret
I have already suggested we find someone for her to talk to and fireworks went off!!
It sounds silly but she is almost cross with me that everyday things have changed for her at the moment. I am having my RAD’s and she has to get the bus to school!!! (she almost makes me feel guilty)
She is taking her GCSE’s this time and I am worried about her
Kay x
Oh Kay
I know that feeling well. When I had my radiotherapy,I had to go and live away from home Mon -Fri - which meant my 10 yr old had to be got up by her dad at 6.30am, taken to her big sisters till she went to work at 8 am, then taken to a friends till school time - and oh my goodness that just didn’t fit with her plans! (Nor the big sisters I don’t think lol).
I honestly think the grumps - and the making you feel guilty (which she is probably aware she is doing!) - is her way of remonstrating against the fact that her mum is poorly. If you are worried about her exams I would have a quiet word with the school and explain what is going on - just so that they are aware of her circumstances. At the end of the day you can’t make her talk to anyone - but as long as you let her know all the avenues open to her,perhaps she will see she has options?
is there another family member - aunty, granny/grandad etc who could try and coax how shes feeling out of her? Or maybe a best friend? Sorry I can’t be more help
take care
Margaret
hi kay ,i feel for you as my daughter was taking her gcses at the time of my diognosis in 2006,she was very angry not at me but at the ubfairness of her life being turned upside down !1 its only a phase that she went through and im sure thats what is wrong with your daughter as well im sure shes scsred to bits of losing you ,try to talk to hwer and ask her how shes feeling ,my daughter used to make me cry as she was so horrid ,but its only a reaction to what is going on and the stress of her exams ,by the way i rang the school and explained the situation and they were very good ,and gave her exemptions if she wasnt feeling up to taking the exams on my treatment day .im 2 yrs down the line now and she is really coping very well and has accepted all that is happening with a very mature outlook .maybe you could take her out on your own and have a special day just for you two ,i did that with mine and it worked albeit slowly !!! hope this helps a bit .take care lynn xx
Try not to get too upset about it Kay, she would probably be cross any way with doing GCSE’s. I currently have a tetchy 18 yr old doing A levels and a very aggressive 15 yr old doing GCSE’s.
Have you informed the school’s examination officer? There is scope to be given extra marks (up to 5%) if there are problems at home and the student does less well than expected. Put it in writing to the school. I did that last year when I was going through chemo and my daughter was doing her AS levels. She ended up having one of her papers remarked and went up a grade.
There are a couple of websites for teenagers whose parents have cancer. Both recommended by Cancer Bacup. One is called riprap and one is called siblinks. Both easily found on google.
Don’t have children but do know that what on the surface seems like unreasonable or inappropriate anger usually hides other more painful emotions…she’s probably really scared and sad right now.
best wishes
Jane
When I was a teenager I lost my father and I can clearly remember when my father was dying in hospital how angry I was at everyone and everything because this was happening. I was totally selfish as well because I was so mad that I had to take time out of my life to visit him, but was also distraught at the thought of losing him. i was horrible to my mother instead of being a comfort taking all my grief, anger etc out on her when he died. So I think like Jane says people behave so differently when under pressure. She must be very scared of the possibility of losing you, angry at life in general for the unfairness of it all and stressed out because of exams. Remember the old proverb, you always hurt the ones you love?
Hello, i have a 16 year old son and he has been most put out by my diagnosis, on a good day for both of us he explained to me that he felt cheated out of having a normal teenage life, he wanted to have temper tantrums and argumenets with me and he couldnt cos i was poorly having chemo, he just said that there were more important things now not just him being a teenager!!!
He also explained that he found it very hard talking to his friends as there major terrible problems felt insignificant to his, ie his mother having cancer. My BCN visited the house to talk to my children
Anna
HI Kay,
My 15 yr old daughter was appalling when I told her my dx, and about chemo etc. She was really difficult and selfish for a few weeks, but is now absolutely marvellous - even massaging my bald head for me, which is very pleasant. I know it’s really hard, but if you can just stay positive and “normal” around her, she may well settle down and be helpful to you. My 16 yr old son has been ok attitude wise, but has just hidden in his room away from it all as much as he can. I try not to talk about it all too much when they are around, and have made sure they have family etc they can talk to, but apart from that we just try to get on with life day to day (coping with school etc!). I did tell them about the websites JaneRA (and my BCN) recommended, but don’t know if they used them.
All the best to you through this difficult time - you’ll all get through it!
Sue
I have every sympathy for you… I have an 18 yr old who, althought fantastic about taking time out to drive me to the hospital etc (that was b4 he crashed his car!) and great about doing stuff in the house for me he’s had his moments.
My son was working so there was not the added worry of how it was affecting exams etc but he still found it stressful and inconenient at times.
I know the BCNurses can speak to kids but if your daughter explodes at the idea then best not to push it. Perhaps getting some leaflets, particularly ones with web site addresses on them, and leaving them lying around might be an idea … if she finds them and uses them without you giving her them maybe she will feel a bit more in control.
At the end of the day teenagers are horrible anyways … I think we just notice it more and find it harder to cope with when we have our minds centred on the BC issue.
I agree, Lilac, they can just be horrible anyway and our BC gives them an extra “excuse”. I have two teen boys and have been rather hurt at their lack of concern (after the initial horror it is as if it hasn’t happened, even though I am sat here with a bald head! The youngest said to me the other day “why on earth are you crying?” and was amazed when I said “because I have cancer”)
Sounds like it is not really you she is angry with, Kay, she is angry with the BC but conversely, you get the brunt.
Take care
Louise x
Katy,
i’ve got a 16 year old boy and a 14 year old girl. my son is supportive and supplies the cuddles when i need them, but my daughter is being very difficult and if i try to cuddle her she usually pushes me away. the cuddles seem to be on her terms.
she’ll do nothing to help me about the house but that’s nothing new so i’ve put it down to stroppy teenage behaviour. i have told her if she wants to talk or ask anything then do it.
i do however have booklets that i got bcc nurse and i leave them lying about so the kids can look at them if they want. it is a difficult one i know. i remember when my mum got bc, i didn’t want to know anything bad i only wanted to be told she was going to get better and i was 16 at the time. hope thats helpful.
take care.
Ann x
Hi Kay, my youngest is 16, also doing GCSEs, and has been far more difficult than the others (daughter 21 and son 19). I’m separated from their father, although we all get on well, he is 30 miles away and the others are that bit older and more independent, though they all live with me. Youngest is more worried than the others that I’ll lose my hair. She hasn’t told any of her friends as it’s ‘embarrassing’. I emailed her the links to some of the recommended websites but she won’t look at them, and refuses point blank to see any BC counsellors. I did write to her head of year after my dx and she rang me to discuss how to play it with my daughter. This teacher has been wonderful and is now a welcome ear if my daughter ever does want ‘time out’. Good luck, teenagers have an incredible capacity for unintentional cruelty when they don’t know how to deal with what they are feeling and I really wish I had some answers on how to make it easier for us all. Lyn xxx
Hi Katy,
Your query made me think about my own 16-year old - a boy. According to the replies here, maybe it’s easier on boys than girls - I’ve only the one so no basis for comparison. As he’s home sick himself I just went downstairs and asked him how he felt about his mum having cancer.
He’s been very supportive in terms of taking over housework, cooking, shoppping etc. (husband means well but the way he does things like stacking the dishwasher drives me mad, & he can’t cook); he’s also been more demonstrative and huggy, though I keep my occasional angry tears entirely to myself; he even shaves my head for me because I’m keeping it at 1 cm until it falls out. We’re pretty close and I have felt a sort of quick edginess in him if I complain of tiredness or an infected cooking cut - he interrogates me in order to establish exactly how seriously he should take the symptom - so I think there is a certain (fairly natural) underlying fear that I am not sorry to have introduced him to: it’s life & in the midst of it we are in death etc. He has also developed mononucleosis (glandular fever) which may be a physical response to the stress - and does make me feel a bit guilty. On the other hand, as a viral infection, mono’s symptoms are not so very different from chemo symptoms - and respond to the same ‘non’ treatment (rest, good food etc.) - so we are joking about that. My temper has always been short & is slightly shorter if possible - but, as he says, ‘what’s new?’. We’ve always apologised to each other for our arguments as soon as they are over - & now he gives me a hug at the same time. Might retain this habit. OH & I don’t fight. Shame, really, because it just gets bottled.
However, I’ve made it completely clear to boychik that as long as I am dealing with this, I come first. Always and in every way. My choice of routine, my whims, my needs must come first. They won’t, of course, but that’s the understanding. He’s not to worry me with late nights, poor grades, or arguing with his dad. He agrees in principal & so far fairly well in practice. I’ve always been a tough mum: he irritated me at dinner last night because he’s tired of salmon & when he got up to leave before I had finished mine I bade him remain seated, and he did (doesn’t seem to work for other mums - I couldn’t bear it any other way) - but he & I have always got on better than most of my friends and their kids, and much better than my sister & her kids unless she allows them to walk all over her - which she mostly does. Not in my house.
So, I go downstairs and ask him how he feels about my having cancer. A silly sort of question, but I was curious, because he has been doing so well. He said it was a shock to start with, and it scared him silly, but he’s confident now that I’m going to beat it, and he thinks it’s been good for me anyway because I’ve decided to change my job which had been making me unhappy. After I first told him, apparently he went straight to the internet and checked statistics, procedures etc. in Finland and elsewhere and decided they knew what they were doing here & could be trusted to do a pretty good job. I didn’t like to suggest that it was all still a bit of an experiment nor ask how he’d feel if they failed - not really a fair question. He said his main gripe is the extra work - but he laughed as he said it, which means that it IS a gripe, but he knows it’s an unreasonable one. I have said that he’s had his turn & will get another one when I’m better - which I didn’t need to say, because he knows it.
We’ve always talked incessantly - Finnish OH is not much into chat but boychik & I can do it for hours - so I haven’t stopped with this. I don’t show him my fears - I think I owe him that - and keep up humour levels - I owe him that too. I think the combination of good information (especially if the kids can be motivated to look for it and find it themselves); calm, inflexible selfishness on mum’s part & lots of chat and laughter & little treats of a suitable sort to sugar the pill is one that works. Or does for me.
Best of luck, Katy
Hi everybody
Thankyou for sharing your experiences on teenagers.
I spoke to school yesterday and they said they would try and give her an opportunity to have a shout scream and cry whichever she needed to do!! (she will be cross about that)
We have no other female relatives in our family as I think that might have helped - someone to talk to.
She did seem in a better mood last night and I even heard her singing away as she revised!!!
I think she has tried to talk to her best friend but she said she doesn’t understand. This blooming BC is so hard on everybody
Lets see what today brings!!!
Take Care
Kay xx
Hello Kay,
Reading this entire thread in one go has made me breath a sigh of relief as my 15yr old son has been such a selfish git since my diagnosis that the other day he said to me 'Wot you so grumpy 'bout? Got your period? - Oh no, don’t tell me, it’s your (little finger movement here) “diagnosis”. Well, don’t play the cancer card on me Mum," I was shocked, angry and full of adrenalin for hours!
I was so worried about telling him because when my mum died in 2003 he vowed that he was never going to cut his hair again. And he hasn’t! he seems to be carrying on as normal now though…
As others have said, all teenagers are horrible. how dare we inconvienience them!!!
My bit dread now is that my 12 yr old girl is GOING TO BE A TEENAGER NEXT WEEK!!!
Td xx
Poor things - they have to cope with all the problems of adolescence and hormones, and with their mother being ill. I feel so sorry for them, though I quite understand that one wants to bat them over the head!