Helping my best friend
Helping my best friend My best friend had a mastectomy on friday and just before going down for the op her doc told her that the from all the tests she done before xmas, they had found secondary cancer in/on (?) her hip. Can’t help feeling this was bad timing by the doc, but I suppose there is no good time to give someone that news.
My main worry for her is her partner, who is not being very supportive. I am trying to make allowances for him, I know he must be just as angry, scared etc as she is, but I can’t help thinking he needs to be there more. She has tried to talk to him but he clams up. She is at the point where she is beginning to think she is better off without him.
I have asked her if she would like me to talk to him, but she doesn’t want me to. Can anyone please give me any advice on how to help her cope with him as I feel she has enough on her plate withput worrying about him.
Thanks in advance Karen xx
Hi Karen
I really don’t know what advice to offer with regards to your best friends partner. Lets face it, some guys just can’t cope with the stress of it all. And yet there are some partners out there who are amazing and very supportive. Perhaps once he is over the shock of the diagnosis he will be more supportive.
The reason I am responding is to say that you really need to be there for your friend. Arrange to do things with her and for her. Enjoy lunches together, take DVD’s around etc. As a friend it is very hard to know what the right or wrong thing to do is but the ladies on this site are amazing and will offer you loads of suggestions.
Be strong for her.
Regards
Avon67
Thanks for replying. My friends husband has been attending appointments with her and I think the penny’s finally dropped. Before either myself or other friends were going with her as he had just started a new job and they didn’t want him to take time off. So i think this enabled him to put his head in the sand and ignore the problem. But now he has had to face up to it and I think this has made him realise she needs him. I think this has been a huge relief for her. And I think you’re right, just being there when she needs me is my role. It’s not my place to interfere. Although at present she seems to be stronger than the rest of us and appears to coping withe bad news so well.
Thanks again
Karen
What a great friend you are. Hi Karen
I wish my best friend cared as much as you do. She has let me down big time. Others, thankfully, have risen to the challenge so it sort of balances itself out.
Having cancer can be a real eye-opener. Many relationships don’t survive it. I ,personally, am done with making allowances. If someone can’t be there for me when I need them most then I am never going to consider than a true frend aagin.
You are doing great. Continue to help her cope, with or without him. Don’t feel you are interfering. It sounds like she needs you.
I have just finished chemo and I already know who my rocks have been. Once I’m well I’m going to throw them a big party. The rest are dead wood and can go to hell.
Lola x
Hi Lola,
I’m so sorry to hear your best friend has been a disappointment. I know some people can’t cope with these things, but I agree you can only make so many excuses for these people. It breaks my heart every time I see my friend and especially her daughters, knowing that she probably hasn’t got the time with them I’ll have with mine, but there are times in your life when you have to put your fears and pain aside and if your friend can’t do this then I agree with you and she’s best left alone. Who knows maybe she’ll realise and have a change of heart. My friends husband was slightly better once they had the news the cancer had spread, but in the last week he’s gone again. He does have moments where he is really supportive, but then the next day he’s a s**t again. Still, she seems to be dealing with this okay. We have a friend who is in a similar position and her husband walked out when she found out she had a secondary! So things could be worse.
I’m trying to be there as much as I can, my friend has said she couldn’t have coped without her friends, there are 3 of us, who she says help in different ways. one is practical, the other is emotional and apparently I do a bit of both and provide comic relief! I went through a bad time with my mum a few years ago and I realised then laughter is a fantastic aid in times of trouble, if you lose your sense of humour you might as well give up.
Sorry to waffle on.
Good luck Lola, I hope you get the support and love you deserve and I hope things go well for the future.
Karen