Here we go again! Need someone to talk sense to me.

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Hello everyone.  New to posting so apologies if I ramble.  First lump at 30 after having our daughter, which thankfully turned out to be (multiple) cysts.  Drained and happily sent on my way.  Now 48 and four further mammograms later (3 resulting in cysts again - which unfortunately our new health authority doesn’t drain - and last resulting in core biopsy which was, hurrah, benign calcifications) I’m back again playing the waiting game after another mammogram 2 weeks ago.  Received the letter yesterday saying I need to go back for further assessment next Tuesday and to expect ultrasound andor biopsy.

 

Sure I don’t need to tell anyone here how I’m feeling, you all know only too well.  You’d think it would get easier after so many visits but it doesn’t.  Trying to hold it together, don’t want to upset the kids (youngest now 10) or my dear, sweet husband who is very level headed and sensible (so much so that I’m hating myself for wanting to scream at him “but what if?”).  But that nasty, spiteful little voice at the back of my head is nagging away when I drop my guard: telling me they got it wrong last time and an ugly little creature has been quietly growing away ever since and is now big and strong, thank you very much, and branching out.  Imagining the worst.  Half the time feeling calm and practical and planning to buy new pyjamas and cook for the freezer on Monday just in case, the other half going to pieces.  Just burst into tears because I couldn’t open the gate when I got back with the dog. 

 

Reading beautiful positive stories on here and that helps enormously but I just can’t quieten that nasty little voice.  Has anyone else cracked how to make it shut up?  Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi confuseddotcom,

Welcome to the Breast Cancer Care discussion forums, you’ve come to the right place for some good, honest support from the many informed users of this site who I am sure will be along soon to offer you that support.

Also our helpline team are just a free phone call away, 0808 800 6000, who I am sure you will benefit from talking to.  The lines open again tomorrow, Monday being  open Mon-Fri 9-5 and Sat 10-2

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

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Hi Caroline

 

Strangely my clothes are falling off me lol. Its the only time I lose any weight, when I’m stressed. Also the only thing I can stomach is chocolate lol. I am now officially wearing my ‘thin’ trousers. But the fat ones are carefully put away, ready for when I need them again.

 

I think I’ll do some boring ironing just to keep my mind ticking along. Things must be bad if I’m thinking of doing housework, as I’m not the most houseproud of people.

 

Oh well have a peaceful day and don’t worry about a muffin top lol.

 

Laura

x  

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Hi ladies,

Great to see the banter and humour on here!! It really does help you to cope with the waiting if you can share stuff. And humour helped me loads!!

Without wanting to worry you about your forthcoming appointments (I’m only writing this stuff to focus on the humour…) when I found out I’d need a mastectomy, I went on FaceBook and posted a picture of the three-breasted prostitute from Total Recall, saying… “I won’t be going THERE for my reconstruction!!!”

The other day I was talking to my son (who’s a right comedian!) about my new silicon prosthesis. I was telling him that they didn’t have one in stock big enough, so needed to order some in… So he re-created the whole event, saying: “now then Imelda, we have this one… Or that one… Or that one… Wait a minute… There’s one in the cupboard we’ve never had to take out before… We call it ‘Free Willy’!!!”

He is a character, but if you can’t laugh at yourself, I’m sure it would be much harder to cope!!

Love and hugs to you both, Mel. xxx

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Hahaha! Well, my eldest two are now joining the twenties club, my boy will be 21 in May. :-/

God, my daughter, now 22, was a bit of a mare when she hit 17/18!! But now a sensible ‘mature’ student. She’s been very strong through this.

My youngest is ten and has found it all very tough, bless her. But she’s come through still in tact and relatively unscathed!!

She makes me laugh by just bring a naive ten-year-old!! Yesterday, I was eating a sandwich and a bit of salad dropped onto my chest… She said, “that nearly went down your beverage”!!! She meant cleavage!! Not that I have one of those anymore!

xxx

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Good for you! Kick that nasty creature into the back of beyond. Think of those lovely little things that keep us all grounded. Like kids’ profound statements. They all help. xxx

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Hi Laura,

God, what a nightmare. But I would have thought that if the MRI came back clear, then that’s a real positive. My mammogram showed absolutely nothing, but my MRI showed the four tumours as clear as day.

I hope that gives you a little reassurance. As it could well be that the tests showed normal tissue because the tissue is indeed normal.

I hope that’s the case. I know that when the radiographer was trying to get a biopsy of my 4th lump, he had lots of trouble finding it with US as it was very deep. He would nip out and look at the MRI to check its exact location. So from my experience, MRIs are the most accurate.

Sorry, I’m rambling. Keep positive as I have a feeling you will be ok. xxx

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Hey Laura, Hey Mel

 

I’m so, so sorry Laura, my heart is aching for you and I wish I could wrap you up in a cuddle.  Will a virtual one do?  Really don’t want to read and run and will be back again after bedtime.  But in the meantime I wanted to try to bring a little comfort if I could:  when I had a biopsy 18 months ago there were many clusters of microcalcifications plainly visible even to my untrained eye, apparently in a suspicious, string pattern and the test revealed them to be completely benign.  Try to take hope from what you know as fact already: they are tiny and very difficult to  locate.  Sorry to bang on about those statistics, you’ll want to ram them down my throat, but the enormous majority of calcifications are benign and a normal part of the ageing process (sorry! the consultant at the time told me “think of them if you like as fossils”, yeah thanks for that).  If they are not, they are at a very, very early stage (he told me that they even used to refer to that stage as “pre-cancerous”) and can be treated very successfully.  Yes, there is no denying that the treatment can be arduous and gruelling but the prognosis is incredibly good.

 

As I write that I know that your mind won’t stop churning and your heart thumping until you KNOW.  You are being proactive, you will be seen quickly now and this awful waiting will come to an end soon.

 

Mel, you’re wonderful, can’t put it any better than that.

 

Back later.

 

Caroline

x

 

 

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Hey Caroline,

That does sound very positive!! I’ll refrain from opening the bubbly right now though! But I’m sure we’ll be having a mutual glass next Tuesday evening!!! I’m truly happy that you’ve had most of the weight lifted off your shoulders. ?

Laura, I can honestly say I’m almost certain you’ll be joining in the celebrations yourself very soon. I really do feel positive for you!

As for me, I keep it together by coming on here and doing my bit mostly!! I’m also lucky enough to have a very supportive other half, great kids, a wonderful dad and brothers, and some very good friends. The people around you keep you strong in these situations.

These forums are my way of trying to give something back, purely for the joy I feel at having the opportunity to!! I’ve lost my breast, but I haven’t lost my hope, spirit, or lust for life, so I’ll stay on here until I’m no longer adding value! So, make sure you tell me when I’m not!!

Take care both of you. Let’s hope we can get the champagne flutes out very soon. xxx

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Good move Laura! Baking… Can I put a bid in for a banana loaf??? I’m in the Midlands too, so we could meet up and share it!!!

I’m glad I’m able to offer some comfort.

Right, time for work. Catch you both later. X

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Loving the sat nav idea Caroline!!

Thanks again for your kind words…

It’s funny that you mentioned your dream… D’you know, I found my lump because of a dream!!! No kidding! I found it when I awoke from a weird dream… I thought I was imagining it because of said dream… But on rechecking in the morning, it was real.

It was weeks after my surgery when I thought about the dream again, and finally pieced all the strange bits together. I think it was a message; I just didn’t know it at the time… Far too long to go into on here, especially as I’m theoretically working!!!

Catch up later both, take care. xxx

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Hi ladies,

Laura, great news about dad-in-law. But you still have a bit of a nightmare, which is horrible for you.

If it’s any consolation, I had the same guy doing my biopsies at different times. My fourth tumour was much deeper and very difficult for him to reach. I thought he was literally gonna kneel on my chest at one point! Talk about dense breast tissue… I actually buckled the needle!!!

But he did the job. I still have a good feeling for you, honestly… Most calcifications are benign, and I have a strong feeling that yours are. I reckon the results cane back normal before, because the calcifications were made of normal stuff! I’m not trying to give you false hope, I just feel this to be the case…

Though I know that won’t put your mind at rest, try not to worry too much until you know what it is you’re worrying about. Worry is like bring on a rocking horse… It gives you plenty to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.

Take care all, I’m still getting those champagne flutes ready… xxx

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Caroline,

You are a massive support to everyone as well. You never cease to bring a smile to my face,even when (like this evening) I’m feeling a bit low… Just the side effects of getting used to the Tamoxifen. Hoping I’ll feel brighter tomorrow. But, at least you know I am up and down too. Not as strong as I may put across sometimes.

We all have our wobbles, but stay strong Caroline, and hang on to those positives! Of course, the worries are still there, so perhaps you can talk to someone tomorrow to clarify what she meant, and get answers to the things you forgot to ask.

Anyway, all you lovely ladies are amazing. You all give me strength. Long may we continue to support one another.

Massive hugs and kisses to you all. xxx

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Hi ladies,

Laura, thanks for your words of wisdom. I don’t really do retail therapy as in wondering around shops, but I could by Amazon dry!!!

Bad, bad night with the old sweats. I have another thread going in the ‘being treated’ bit under hormone therapy, so will take some of the advice received from there on board.

Another sleepless night, and work shortly! Hey ho! Onwards and upwards.

Love you girls. Take care. Mel. xxxxxxx

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Afternoon folks!

Spoke to my GP earlier. He has agreed for me to try a different brand of Tamoxifen. He’s lovely!! I’m sure I could talk him into sending me on a cruise!!! He’s also going to ring my BCN for advice on what medication works best with the Tamoxifen to treat the night sweats etc. He will then call me back to go get a new prescription.

It’s amazing that just by knowing that my GP has listened to my concerns and taken some action, I feel better emotionally already!!

Also, my Chillow has arrived,so I have that to try out tonight!! Aahhhhhhhh, feeling much more up beat now!!

I hope all of you are having a good day. Love you girls. xxxxxxxxxxx

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Oh Laura,

Really feeling for you… You’re going through the mill right now… ?

Its so difficult to stop your mind from running away with you. We imagine all sorts. Please please try and stay positive! I really have a good feeling about you, trust me! I’m not trying to fob off your fears. I just genuinely think you’ll be ok.

But, do take care of yourself if that means upping your meds to get you through, then so be it. But just know that you will get through it. I promise. Cross my heart, whatever happens, you’ll get through.

Take care my lovely. xxxxxxx

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Sending you virtual hugs Laura. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you xxx

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Ladies, this should make you laugh a little…

Laura, I’m not exactly petite enough to fit into M&S outsize clothes! So I defo do au naturale!! I am a small(ish) elephant! Think of your Disney look-a-like… Mine is Ursula, the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid! I exaggerate not!! That is me (but with one boob!)

I would like to be slim, but not enough that I want to change!! My downfall. But get this… I looked online today for a low fat chicken tikka recipe… Then ended up on Rosemary Conley’s site buying a “Try Me” box!! Feckin £45 with postage!! I bet I won’t eat much of it!!

The things we do… Hey ho, at least I’m here… Fat! But here!!! xxx

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Good morning ladies, how are you all doing today?

 

I did have a better night with the Chillow!! Ok, it’s not going to prevent night sweats, but it does cool you down quicker when they come on… it does eventually warm yp, so you end up moving it around to find the cool spots, but it definitely helped. I would recommend it to anyone who gets too warm at night. I didn’t use it immediately I went to bed, as my sweats start after I’ve been asleep for a while, but I dragged it across when they kicked off and it was very refreshing!

 

Anyway, enough about me. How are you all doing today? The weekend is coming, appointments are looming… Are you all coping ok?

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I’m so annoyed!!! Was in the middle of a mahooosive reply, and the page closed down on me!!! :smileymad:

 

Anyhow, Caroline, great to hear you sounding so positive!!! I’m certain those flutes will be coming out on Tuesday in your honour!!! I like a good excuse to have a drink, not that I ever need one!!!

 

Laura, I’m glad you had a good walk. I do think the guidelines are a month, but I wouldn’t swear to it. And I really want to try and help you by giving a little bit of advice…

 

You’ve said yourself that you need to lose the anger. I really do think this would be a massive step in the right direction for you… Not an easy one, but a very positive one. I’ve said this so many times… worry and anger are like being on a rocking horse… plenty to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere…

 

In your situation, I think the anger is holding you back and making time crawl for you… The fact is, however you feel, this won’t speed things up. In fact, the anger will probably psychologically slow things down, as the time will drag if it’s at the forefront of your mind.

 

There’s a lovely, feel-good movie called Polyanna… Polyanna plays a game called “The Glad Game” which is all about taking a negative situation and trying to find the positives in it… She naturally ends up cheering up everyone in the film… she even says to one of the characters (played by Pam Ferris… a bed-ridden, self-made invalid) that she should be glad that she’s slick in bed, because while it’s her, it isn’t happening to someone else!!!

 

I hope that doesn’t come across as being patronising, as it certainly isn’t meant to be… I just think that if you can temper your way of thinking, it really will help you to cope with the waitning more easily.

 

Sorry for the ridiculously long post! I’ll shut up now… P.S. I did get a better night’s sleep, but GP has prescribed some antidepressants… not for depression, but they’re meant to be very effective for the old sweats, so only a very low dose.

 

Sorry for the ramble… catch up soon. (Laura, don’t be too annoyed with me for the advice… :-/