Hi
I would like to say its good to be here, but for obvious reasons I would rather not be.
I have just returned from my first anniversary holiday to be told that my darling mum has been diagnosed with BC. She wasn’t well before I went on holiday, but that was, as far as I was aware, to do with a pain she had in her back and leg which she put down to sciatica. What I didn’t know was that she also found a lump in her breast a few weeks ago and had been having discharge from her nipple. Mum obviously didn’t want to worry me so never told me and never told my Dad either until after I had gone on holiday.
On my return I was dropped with the devistating news that she has breast cancer and following three biopsys her nipple inverted and “dropped off” leaving a hole in her breast. She has now had scans and been told that the cancer has spread to her lower spine (hence the pain she had in her back)and there are “a few spots” to her lung and liver. She said she wasn’t told what “grade” the cancer is but is due to see a specialist next week about chemo and radiotherapy. She has, however, told me that she doesn’t want any of that sort of treatment as “she doesn’t believe in it” and doesn’t want the risk of getting iller with it if it ends up not working anyway.
My Dad and I are besides ourselves as we love her so much, she is my best friend. She is being very “upbeat” about it and is trying to carry on pretty much “as normal” whilst my dad and I fall apart. She’s very much a “what will be will be” kind of person, very strong willed in character and determined.
The reason I am posting is, as this is so new to me, I would desperatly like some help and advice on how to cope during these difficult times. To make matters worse, I live over 160 miles away from them, so am not around to just pop in and give support all the time. She doesn’t want me around at the moment too much anyway as I think she finds all this a “bit personal” and doesn’t want to see me too upset. She wouldn’t even speak to me on the phone the other day because I was crying and it upsets her too much to hear / see me crying.
I just dont know what to do and I really dont think I can cope with this. Please help me.
Thanks
Sam x
Ah that is such a sad post.
As a mum, i can honestly see where your mum is coming from in terms of not being able to chat to you at the moment. When i told my mum i had BC she just went silent and couldnt comprehend it. she said she cried solidly for 3 days before she could even start to address it all. It makes it worse for my mum if i seem upset so i have tried where possible not to cry in front of her as i know if it was my child that was ill i would be devastated. I truly hope everything becomes clearer once your mum is told more. It does seem to help a bit once a plan is laid out and you know all the facts.
xx
Hi Sam,
Welcome to the Breast Cancer Care discussion forums,where I’m sure you’ll get the support your looking for from your fellow forum users.
Could I suggest that you phone the BCC helpline and have a chat with one of the staff here? All the helpline staff are either breast care nurses or people who have personal experience of breast care issues. Calls to the helpline are free, 0808 800 6000, lines open Mon to Fri 9am -5pm and Sat 9am - 2pm
Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator
So sorry you’re in this position Sam. My mum was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer last November and I remember how hard it was. I just wanted to take her cancer on myself and beat it for her. She seemed so frail and sad. All you can really do is let her know as often as possible that you are there if she wants help and that you are strong enough for anything. My mum is coming through the other side now and is doing well after her chemo. Unfortunately, I got my wish and I now have breast cancer. Telling her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. We cried together for a while and it is bringing us closer.
Your mum sounds like a very single minded, determined person. If she is totally set on not having traditional treatment maybe you could explore some of the alternative therapies with her. They’re not for everyone and no clinical trials to testify to their effectiveness. However, the power of positive thinking that underpins them is well accepted by the medical community. If nothing else it could be a starting point for further discussing the proven success of traditional treatments.
Best wishes
Jan
Hi Jan,
I just wanted to send you a huge hug. What an awful shock to you. As a daughter with a very strong willed Mum I find it quite hard sometimes and don’t see how she can go on being totally positive and almost dismissive of it - but then again I’m sure it would be much harder if she was a wreck!
Its so cheesy but so true that taking it one step at a time is a way to get through. Its easy to let your mind race off and sometimes you need to just cry and have a bad day.
Have you thought about phoning your Mums nurse and getting some support from her? I did the other day and found it really helpful.
There is no easy way to deal with this but I’m sure there will be loads of people here ready to support you. I think it can be so helpful to have the views of people who arent part of your immediate life and you can feel safe in posting about any emotion you will be going through.
Sending lots of love to you, NLx