I am new to this forum and I would appreciate your help. My Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago. She had a lumpectomy, and about 2 weeks after had to have her lymph nodes removed as they had found cancer in one of them. She was lucky that she didn’t have to have chemo but had a course of radiotherapy and is now on tamoxifen. At the same time this was happening, my husbands mother was dying of bowel cancer - she died the March after my Mum was diagnosed. She had had numerous operations and courses of chemotheraphyand was so brave and never once complained and always tried to look on the positive side, even when she was in the hospice. My Mum on the other hand is so negative - she has been having regular check-ups and there is no reason for her to be worried as they have basically said the chances of it returning are mimimal. I recently had a baby boy which is her first grandchild and she said to me yesterday that she looks at him and worries how long she will see him grow up for - what am I supposed to say to that? I feel annoyed with her that she can’t see how lucky she is to have come through what she has. I want to try and help her see the postivie side in life - I have tried to get her to see a counsellor and she refuses. I suppose everyone has different reactions to being diagnosed with breast cancer and I know it is her right to feel angry but I just feel sad for her they the disease is still affecting her so much, even though its not there anymore. Is this a normal reaction? Has anyone out there any advice on how I should be dealing with my Mum? Am I being too unsympathetic?
I am sorry to hear you are in this position, its a difficult one. You seem to be doing the right things suggesting, counselling for one. It sounds as if she could be depressed and to be honest if she is you won’t get through to her easily. Have you contacted her GP to raise concerns or maybe her breast care nurse who even after 2 years will offer support.
I am not in your mums shoes so I can only relate what I feel she may be experiencing.
Perhaps she still needs time to come to terms with what has happened, a bereavement of what life used to be like. You see life is never the same again, its just a little different. I think when she goes into her own thoughts perhaps she just needs time to work things out, I bet she doesn’t want to push you away.
When she makes the comments about not seeing grandchildren grow up you’re right what can you say, sometimes perhaps saying nothing is the best tack.
Have you thought of asking your mum to join you on this forum?
Please call the helpline they will give you really solid advice, we here can only give you our perspective, but I hope it helps.
Welcome to the forums, it may help for you talk to someone in confidence about your Mum. Have you thought of phoning the Breast Cancer Care helpline? Here you can share your concerns and the staff who are either breast care nurses or trained staff with experience of breast care issues may be able to give you some help and advice. The number to ring is freephone 0808 800 6000 the lines being open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm. I hope this helps
Hi Jo, I agree that it sounds as if your Mum is suffering from depression. I had a mastectomy last year, and I found that talking to other people on this site a great help. It is always easier to talk to other people who are going through a similar thing to yourself.
Try and persuade your Mum to see her GP, and to use this site.
I have had family members suffer from depression and it is very hard. Try not to let her moods get you down, but be sympathetic. She can’t just pull herself together, she will need help.
Best wishes. Heidicat
I think if I were your mum I might be feeling very scared lonely and misunderstood.
There is an enormous amount of pressure to behave in certain socially acceptable ways when we have cancer. ‘Brave’ people who don’t complain even in the direst circumstances have become our new contemporary dying heroes (I am borrowing a phrase here from something I’ve read…can’t remember where) Many of us struggle to live up to this brave uncomplaining image. Its horrible to feel that no one understands.
Maybe your mum wants you to acknowledge her mortality. Yes we do all react differently to a cancer diagnosis and for many of us being told to ‘think positive’ is the worse possible advice. When she says she is scared that she may not see your son grow up acknowledge that, ask her to talk more about it, give her space. Maybe too you could share your anger with her…I guess your anger could be a cover for your own fear.
I guess your mum doesn’t feel particularly lucky right now. I hope with time she may feel happier but its a hard slog.
Sorry you are having a hard time. At times I forget I have breast cancer but for most of the time everything I do or say is with the threat of death hanging over me. I want to be this person that people feel comfortable with eg positive, looking on the bright side but I can’ty even thoug
Eileen 765 cont … pressed wrong button!! It makes other people comfortable to think that you are dealing with it so you pretend, it makes it so much easier. Your mum sounds depressed and who wouldn’t be after dx.Sure some people are but I ain’t. I am on anti depressants and I wouldnt be if I wasn’t dx with this disease. I think they have helped me, perhaps your mum would benefit from a course. I am tring to protect my family so I haven’t really discussed the imlpications of living with a dx of bc hanging over my head. I am only a year since dx and can’t remember what it was like before. This fear seems like it has been forever. Just be there for your mum and things might get better. hope so Love Eileen