how can I support my friend who has just been diagnosed ?

My friend has just fell asleep on my couch, after a very drunk & emotional heart to heart.:frowning:
Like so many of us ladies she is a single mum, and spends lots of time helping others with their problems but hiding from her own. life is not always kind, :frowning:
She was given her diagnosis yesterday by phone when she failed to keep her appointment on Thursday. She is addemant that she does not want to go through Chemo or Radio or have a mastecomy… state of DENIAL!!!
Obivously the few people she has told have judged her as selfish but I feel she needs to feel supported in her right to refuse treatment even though I am selfish and don’t want to lose her,

x H x

H, so sorry your about your frieds diagnosis and what a wonderful friend you are who wants to help her. I think we have all gone through the denial, anger, upset stage of things! Can your friend come and chat on here and see that all this treatment is “doable”. None of it is pleasant but we have all gone through it/going through it and come out the other side! At times ive just kept going for my childrens sake cause the thought of them not having me on xmas day is unbearable! support her, let her rant and cry and im sure she will decide to fight this horrible disease head on!

good luck to you and your friend.


I am so sorry that your friend has found herself in this situation, and so glad that she has a friend like you to support her through it, regardless of what decision she makes over treatment.

Breast cancer is such a frightening diagnosis to receive, and all of us react in different ways when we hear it. In some ways, refusing treatment is a braver decision - and doctors these days do respect patient’s choices. However, I do think that your friend needs to be encouraged to sit down and talk with her healthcare team about what the realities of her decision are - it may be that if she hears the difference in prognosis between treatment/no treatment, she may rethink.

How old her children are is obviously going to be a deciding factor too - how long she ‘needs’ to be there for them. I wonder if she is just so tired of it all, parenting, coping, running around after every one, that doing nothing almost seems like the easiest way of getting out of it?

Keep telling her how important she is to you, but that you will support her anyway. Offer to go with her to any appointment, if you can, so that she doesn’t feel so alone. And do encourage her to come on here - we won’t judge her, but we may be able to show her that fighting this monster is possible, and that some of what she fears may not be as bad as she is thinking.

I have four children, had a left mastectomy three weeks ago, and start chemo on 17th - and yes, it’s hard - but every day I can steal to spend with my babies is a gift - and surgery and the following treatment have given me a good, fighting chance of still being here in 10 years time. Without any of it… well, would I even be here next Christmas?

Good luck, this is going to be a long, hard road whichever direction your friend goes in - take care of yourself, too - you will both need all the strength you can find.

Sophie xxxx

I completely understand that your friend doesn’t want a mx, chemo, radiotherapy, none of us do, but what we do want more than anything is to rid ourselves of this horrible thing. Additionally, what we want is to be there for those who need and love us for as long as possible.

Due my initial dx I was hoping I wouldn’t have to have chemo, and was devastated when I was told that it was more than a good idea that I did! The surgery, radiotherapy and drug therapy I was more than happy to deal with, but chemo was a step too far for all sorts of reasons as far as I was concerned, mainly about the length of time it takes and it would mean that my treatment would take 5 months longer than if I didn’t have it (sounds very shallow writing it down!).

All you can do is be there for her, while respecting her wishes pointing out what the alternatives to her current decision will mean.

In the meantime, we are all here for the both of you.

SJ xx

Echoing what has been said already: You are a great friend and she is lucky to have your support. Breast cancer is a ****bag but friends and family help you get through. Do encourage her to post here and get support, whatever she decides to do.

It sounds like your friend is in denial. It is early days and she may come round when she realises what her options are. The diagnosis is awful and being told what will happen to you to treat it is up there with dx as **** also. It is like a bad dream until it sinks in and even then. It gets better once you start fighting.
You don’t say how old her children are but could be a source of comfort. My son keeps me fighting. As Sophie said, go with her if you can, having someone else there when you are told things helps because they remember things
There are some threads from people who have beaten this disease and who are inspiring.
You could encourage her to talk to someone on the helpline. It really helped me in the darkest moments.
Take care, Do post again.

Hi H you r a true friend its normaly that your friend doesnt want any treatment i felt like that as i didnt feel psycial ill and my life was normal i didnt want to change my confort zone i was ok doin what i was doin however i decided to to the treatment and its took almost a year a very hard year but it has been worth every sh–y day because my treatment has worked your friend mite not feel she has time or worrying about money r maybe very scared and wont say she may feel a bit better knowing she has shared her problem when she wakes up hang on in there it just takes time for all the news to sink in