How do I know how I'm supposed to feel?

Hallo. I had mammogram in July which showed calcifications which turned out to be small invasive tumour which was removed under wire guided excision. Had SNB last week and am waiting results later this week. I’ve been ever so practical & positive with everyone telling them as my surgeon told me that the cancer is out now and unless the SNB turns up something then after some treatment I’ll be good as new. However in the last few days, the rain has come down. I feel very low and emotional. It seems to have been going on for ages and even though the initial biopsy pointed to a cancer I didn’t believe it would be so until the doc confirmed it after excision. I am early 40s, separated with a young son & a full time pretty stressful job. I know the doc said recovery prognosis is excellent but I worry about my little boy although as I have been off work for 3 weeks I love the extra time I have with him. Work have been brilliant but I feel guilty about being off when aside from a sore boob & tiredness I don’t have physical symptoms. I feel like I shouldnt be emotional with only a small tumour but I don’t know what I should feel. I am mixed up and tired. It seems to have gone on for so long. I don’t drink so can’t switch my head off with a glass of wine. I wish I could cause I wake up so often during the night. Pls excuse my pity party rant - I’m sure I’ll be back to upbeat soon. I just feel a bit confused right now.

Hi PCB, sorry you have to join this club, but it is a good place for support and encouragement.

There is no ‘right’ way to feel and anyone on here will attest to the fact that the waiting is the worst. Some people feel utterly numb, some are angry, some cry, some don’t know how to feel - and they are all equally valid responses.

I think it is good to express our feelings, whatever they may be.

Of course you are tired and mixed up - who wouldn’t be, but from what you’ve said your consultant is optimisitc, so try to hang on to that. The nights can be the worst, especially if you have no other adult on hand to talk to.

I don’t drink either - so it’s hot choclate or nothing for me…

Be kind to yourself, this is massive and you absolutely must not feel guilty about any of it… you have cancer you are allowed to be totally bewildered.

You can, and will get through this, and hopefully in the morning things will feel a little less oppressive.

cyber hug coming to you…

Hi

You are not having a pity party and you really don’t need to say sorry. As RevCat has said we all react differently to the news we have breast cancer and it a really hard thing to get your head around.

Do hold onto what your surgeon said he is optimistic and that is a good sign. The nights are always the worst and the time when you feel most alone.

Don’t be hard on yourself you will get through this and things do get easier.

Sending you lots of love
KatyD

how are you supposed to feel?? how long is a piece of string???

it sounds as if you might have the same sort of thing as me, little lump, didnt spread. got it out. had a bit of radiotherapy and will be taking hormones and bobs your uncle as good as new.

but you are not as good as new. you are like someone who has been involved in a major train crash. perhaps someone who just broke their leg and yet saw all the other poeple around them being killed or going through horrendous injuries.

I never ever thought i would get cancer, and I still dont beleive it. Feel as if i am acting in a play.

nobody lately has talked about the roller coaster of emotions you can experience. High and in control for a period and then suddenly devastated. But that is what happens.

what have you said to your son? have you seen the mummys lump book on this website?

I see you are separated but hope you still have support from family and friends. but no matter how kind they are they cannot really understand. you have done well to post here. We all went through that first initial experiance of being hit with a baseball bat and know how hard it is.

when do you get your results?

Hi PCB,

I am really glad that your work are being good to you. Please take the time and enjoy it. I’m saying this as someone who has struggled with being off and feeling fine too.

I have a four year old and it is so important for them too that we are well rested and as stress free as possible so we can be as well as possible for them. But if my work were not so good I would have been back two weeks ago (although my no nonsense GP signed me off for 6 weeks!) just because of pressure from myself. So I do understand what you are saying.

I am practising telling myself that this week is to get myself as strong and ‘ready’ as I can be for radiotherapy. If I am honest emotionally I am probably not at my best and tend to be tired by lunchtime. I am going in for two hours a day as a ‘volunteer’ to help with admin etc. My boss would not let me teach a class just now. She has been rock solid in this.

I hope yours continues to be. As everyone else has said, this is a journey of sorts, and you have to pace yourself for any journey.

Take care and take heart.

Carolyn x

Hi PCB

As well as the support you are receiving from the other users you may find it helpful to give the BCC helpline a call and talk through how you are feeling with one of the BCC trained members of staff. Here you share your feelings with someone who is able to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 9 to 2pm.

Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator

Hi

I think everyone reacts differently, I don’t know anyone else with bc and personally have kept the knowledge to as few people as poss, but that’s just me. I have been up and down emotionally but if I feel like having a cry I have one, I don’t think it does any good to hold it in. I have to have my op yet and wake up most days a bag of nerves, it’s not until 13 oct. I get up and take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I find if I stick to as normal a routine as I can for me then by the afternoon I feel a bit better. I usually spend all my time looking after my grandson but he is at nursery full time now so this has been a huge upheavel for me, I am filling in the time as best as I can until the op. I am trying at the moment to get the garden sorted as I won’t be able to do it for a few weeks and then the weather will be gone.

Just be kind to yourself and enjoy this special time with your son. M

Hi I had a small invasive tumour removed 7 weeks ago and i was doing fine but i too like you have started to feel down and want to cry. Go ahead we are not super women we are allowed to feel down even though everyone expects us to be so up beat. Dont feel guilty about work enjoy your son. Life has thrown us a terribe blow to deal with and its good to let it all out.
Electra x

Thank you all so much for your lovely responses - I couldn’t believe that it was posted with so many heartening responses when I just logged on - boy am I glad I found you all. I get my results on Thursday from the SNB and see the Oncologist Monday. I told my son that he may hear the word cancer (at school or just anytime cause he has amazing hearing …when he wants to:0). That it is a scary word but not in Mummy’s case as the doctor is doing everything to make it better. He seemed fine with it more annoyed that it was in my ‘booby’ coz it’s too embarrassing to share that detail with his 7 year old mates in playground gossip circle!!!
After I posted last night I read a thread on rant and all the benches that you created in your support garden. It gave me so much comfort and a lot of laughs. The sense of shared identity is worth a million books isn’t it - RevCat sharing the hot chocolate poultice:) may just soothe my swollen armpit and reading old and lumpy telling me I sound like her diagnosis (dx?) and all the work advice is just fab. I wish we coulda just met in the park due a common interest in cakes but since we are here, I am grateful I found you and send you all lots of love and strength. Thank you xx

Well done you.
Ah yes, being seven and mummy having a sick booby - how uncool is THAT? But also probably slightly deliciously naughty too?!

Do feel free to join in Benchland or the dark,dark woods or anywhere else that feels appropriate. Ask anything you feel the need to ask - one of the few rules on here is “there is no such thing as silly question”.

Hope your armpit feels better soon.

Now off you go and get some yummy cakes, chocs, rest or whatever you need, and come back for laughs, for tears, for rants, for support whenever you feel like it.

<<< hugs >>>

I spoke to one of the team today as im having a down week and they were fab give them a call when you think you cant handle it and thanks for your pm.xx

It’s a funny old thing - life isn’t it. I had just taken comfort from Crabbit/Carolyns words on resting up for radio and feeling less guilty re: work when my boss arrived with some colleagues having driven 30+ miles to visit me. His message delivered with cake was rest up, focus on my son and forget about work - this from a man who eats hardened business people for breakfast!, I am someone who has spent her life being pridefully independent and this BC is teaching me that it’s ok to be vulnerable and some people actually welcome the opportunity to help. I don’t like the side of me that gets exasperatted with people who bleat ‘hope you’re ok - stay positive & let me know what’s happening’ and expect me to text them updates. Miaow - I guess I never knew what to say either before this happened. But I am loving the friends who come pick up my son for a playmate with their kids or my friend from work who has cleared my diary even though it’s not her responsibility and taken on the mantle of sentaur at my gate and those who text ‘don’t need to reply - just want you to know I’m thinking of you’. Electra - I’m sending you positive laughter vibes to smash your blues away. Xx

Hi PCB,
I’m so glad that you’re feeling better. Your boss obviously knows you well. You deserve the support and I am glad you are getting it.

It made me smile when you mentioned your 7 year old in the playground. My 4 year old knows that mum has a ‘booby bug’ and that the doctor cut out the bad bits. He knows I take tablets so it won’t come back and soon it will be getting zapped by a laser (like Ben 10!) to stop it growing again!

I think word is just starting to filter round the playground that it is BC rather than just an Op I am off with, but I’m lucky in that he’s protected from most of that being at nursery.

Now has anyone got any advice for dealing with an OH who thinks cancer is a dirty word? lol!

Take care everyone xx