Today I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and my mind is all over the place. I have brought up my 2 sons on my own. One is 28 and has just left the army after 10 years and is just setting up home with the love of his life. The other one is 19 and is in his second year at university with a very promising athletics career ahead of him. As the boys’ father wants nothing to do with them I hav been their rock, I have always been there for them and always want to be there for them. They have not had an easy life and they don’t deserve this. How do I tell them? Should I tell them after the lumpectomy next week when I find out if I need further treatment or should I drag them through this misery?
Hi there,
sorry you had to join us here but i am sure you will get plenty of support.
I had a hard time telling my partner as he is still recovering after 2 years from a serious road accident, i have been his rock since then and worried if he could take the news that i had BC. he has amazed me by being my rock since i was diagnosed just the other week.
It is your choice whether to tell them or not but you need support too and they may be stronger than you think.
Whatever you choose to do please keep in touch with us here, we are here if you need a listening ear.
Love
Val xx
Hi Loopylin
I am sorry to read of your recent diagnosis of breast cancer, I am sure you will continue to receive some valuable advice and support from your fellow users.
In addition, here is a link to a Breast Cancer Care publication ‘Resources Pack’ which can be ordered on line, it is filled with information to help you better understand your diagnosis, test results and the various treatments available:
breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=7514
You are also welcome to contact our freephone confidential helpline on 0808 800 600, the helpliners are nurses and people who have had personal experience of breast cancer and will be happy to talk to you about the concerns you have regarding telling your sons about your diagnosis. The helpline is open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
On Thursday evenings between 9-10pm we also run a Live Chat session for anyone with a diagnosis of breast cancer, if this interests you look under the ‘Support for you’ tab at the top of this page for more details, here you can chat to others in similar situation to you to share advice, information and support.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
Thanks Fuschia,
I think that perhaps I need to deal with this shock myself before I tell the boys. Having read some of the threads I realise that I can’t even remember what grade my lump actually is or whether the consultant actually told me. Tommorrow I have a nurse calling round so perhaps I will be able to clarify things so I can speak to them with more understanding of my condition. I’m so sorry for my mixed up message but I’m in a bit of amess at the moment. lin xxx
Hi again,
I understand what you mean, i am glad you will be seing someone tomorrow who can explain things more.
Hope all goes well and keep in touch.
Val
xx
hi here loopylin
I know where you’re at. But really, they need to know and you need to tell them. Is it possible to get both the boys together with you over the weekend?
I told my sister first then, on the saturday, i just told both the girls i was taking them out for lunch. Just them, not their partners. Until the lunch arrived i kept the conversation light and chatty then i gently and calmly told them i had cancer and where it was. I told them the recommended treatment regime and then i answered their questions. They were a bit cross I’d left it until diagnosis before telling them, but I pointed out that as it was so soon after their Granddad dying it was better that they didn’t have the worry - most lumps are nothing at all!
It was easier once they knew, I’ve never hidden things from them, especially after their father left us.
You will need their support and they will need to give it. If they find out later you excluded them they will be terribly hurt. Much as we want to, we cannot shield our children from all the storms in life, but we can hold their hands through them and this is where they grow and mature.
hope this helped a little
hugs
Ruth x
Hi Loopylin I am sorry to had to join us on here but I know you will get loads of support from all the lovely ladies on here. I know its a difficult situation telling your loved ones so I will tell you my story and it may help you to decide what to do. My daughter lost her husband in June 2006 he was only 29 and he died of lung cancer she has 2 little girls she lives here in Scotland and I didnt at the time I lived in Birmingham so it was very hard for her I was flying up here to Scotland every friday night and flying back to Birmingham on a Sunday night for work.She wasent getting any better and she lost 3 stone in weight so my husband and myself decided we would sell our home in Birmingham and move back home to Scotland. We found a lovely house here in the country just up the road f rom where my daughter lives. We were only here a week when I found a lump in my breast it was such a shock I had to find a new doctor and then wait for the letter from the hospital. We were so frightened to tell my daughter so my husband and I decided to wait til the hospital appointment to come through it took 3 weeks. We then decided to tell her after a lot of consideration. She insisted on coming to the hospital with me she kept saying mum I bet its a cyst. Anyway on the day of the appoinment we went to the hospital I got all the tests done and then it was time to go back in again to see the doctor he told us there and then it was BC He also told me I had to have a mastectomy the next week. After a lot of crying and sleepless nights the day came of my operation and she was fantastic she came in with me tothe hospital and she visited twice a day I was only in for 6 days she then came to stay with me for a week afterwards. I had then 3 weeks later to start my chemo 8 sessions 1 every 3 weeks she also came with me for every one of them. I finished all my treatment this July and I do feel so well now I have found a new job here and have been back at work for 3 weeks. What I am trying to say to you is that your loved ones are stronger than you think I would never have thought my daughter Lesley would have been so strong especially after losing her husband Joe We talk about it sometimes and she said she would have gone mad at me if I had not told her so I am pleased we made the decision to do it.I do know its not an easy thing for you to do but I am sure your boys would ather know especially as you have brought them up on your own. My son was in the army as well he is married and still lives in Birmingham and he just took in his stride he phoned me every night and I do think boys are a bit harder than girls. So I wish you all the luck whatever you decide let me know how you get on and take care Love Linda xxx
I think you should first speak with the breast care nurse, so you have a better understanding of your situation. I found out six days ago I have breast cancer, but I was able to retain much of what was said to me. I wrote down a couple of things which I feared I might forget. I then got in the car and drove home to tell my husband. He couldn’t come with me as someone had to stay home with our children. I couldn’t say a word to him, I just burst into tears. He helped me through it and we discussed it. I then phoned my mom. It was so very hard. She knew I’d found a lump and had needed a biopsy. Then I phoned a sister. It was a bit easier. Then a brother. Each time it has got a bit easier. But you know what, your close family just have to know about this. It isn’t something you will be able to hide. And you shouldn’t either. They will want to be there for you. Maybe they will want to pray for you. If they don’t know something is wrong, they can’t do that. And they will be hurt if they find out weeks down the line.
You will have to be in hospital for the lumpectomy. They should know before then. I know it is hard, but how would you feel if they didn’t tell you something equally important about their health?
I wish you all the best with your treatment and that your prognosis is good. I have to wait for an MRI and the consultant radiologist is on holiday to find out how much they want to remove. It will be anything between a lumpectomy with lymph node all the way up to double masectomy. I do know my surgery isn’t until 1 November, and my consultant says I found the lump very early and we will beat it. I wish you strength, peace and health. I really hope you can get some answers tomorrow.
I agree with the others about telling them. I found it so hard to tell mine who were 17 and 19 but i kind of drip fed them so it didnt come out of the blue.
I gave myself a week without telling anyone just to try to come to terms with it. Then i started my say ‘you know that lump i found the other week well its still there so going for x-ray to put my mind at rest!’, then i said ’ they can see something but as they are not sure they want to do a biopsy to see if there are any abnormal cell or cancer cells’ ‘if there is they can quickly cut it all out’ i kept upbeat and tried not to look worried. They both seemed to take it in their stride. I already knew by this time as they told me when i had x-ray and scan. So i left it another week, all the time i was getting used to the fact, then said they have found afew cancer cells inside the lump so need to get it removed. They were fine about it all and i asked my hubby if they have ever asked him if i was going to die and he said no, never.
Through chemo their lives didnt change that much as my parents came over to run things as hubby had to work away to pay the mortgage.
So i suppose what i am saying is give yourself time to come to terms with your news but please dont keep it from them till after the op.
Thankyou everybody, your messages and support have been just what I needed, I will be seeing the oldest boy tonight and the youngest on sunday. By then I hope to have got things into perspective. I would have put it off a little longer but as my op is next wednesday there isno time for me to get my head round it a bit more. Thanks so much again and I will let you know how it went. Abig cuddle for everyone even though I’m not usually soppy xxxx Lin
Despite what you have to tell him, I hope you have a good time with your son tonight. Be sure he knows when you are planning on telling his brother, so he doesn’t slip up.
Good luck today. If you haven’t spoken with the nurse yet, write down everything you want to ask. And write down anything that seems important. You will have a lot to take in. (((loopylin)))
Good Luck Loopylin - it’s not easy telling anyone this news but it really is better to tell your sons before they find out another way.
With luck your lumpectomy could be the end of the story. It does happen. But if there is further treatment needed this site is full of people who have been in the same position and are ready to offer help and support.
Best wishes
MaddyW xxxx
Hi Loopylin
As a daughter of a newly diagnosed mother with breat cancer. I am glad she told me, them it is not a burden just for you/her. It can be a shared problem and a shared support system has got to help. I wish you all the best with your treatment, hope my mom is as strong as you sound.
Good luck, luv Jools x
If you have a lumpectomy the treatment will always involve radiotherapy as well - otherwise cancerous cells are more likely to come back in the breast
Mole
Sorry - forgot about the radiotherapy - strange, as I’ve got to have it shortly !!!
I think I was trying to be reassuring about the prospect of further surgery - it may not happen.
Good Luck
Maddy xxxxx
It is always difficult to tellthose you love news that will upset or shock them. When I was dxnd first time I told my daughter first a she was due home from uni that day, and went to visit my son at his uni to tell him. At first they were upset and shocked but they have been very supportive.
As for Uni you need to get your son to let his uni know and they understand if he needs to go home to visit and check on you and will take this into consideration if anything is missed.
Take care.
Treakle xx
Hi everybody,
Thankyou somuch for your advice. I am feeling so much better now as I have told both boys, who have been sensible and mature about the whole thing , though the shock was obvious. I took the nurse’s advice and told them the basics and then asked them if they had any questions. Then I left them with the option that if they think of questions in the future they should ask me and I will do my best to find out for them from the nurse. That way I have avoided overloading them with ’ scary stuff’ which does not apply to my case at the moment. Jools thankyou for thinking that I sound brave, I 'm just the same quivering mess as everybody else but i’ve just realised that I have no choice but to get on with it as I 'm in excellent hands, professional, family and friends, just like your mum. Love lin xx
Hi Lin,
good to know you got what, for so many of us, is the hardest part over. One thing I did for my daughters (I forgot before, sorry) was I ordered them the relevant booklets on my type of cancer and one for family/ oh’s etc. They were both very grateful for that.
all the best for your surgery
Ruth
x
Children really are amazing with what they deal with… I had to tell both my classes of 10-11 year olds that I would be in less often at school. I was completely dreading it, having spent the last 2 years with them and knowing the emotional problems that some have (including one whose dad has terminal brain tumour). The school nurse came in with me and explained the situation. They asked really sensible questions (like what would happen to my hair, and how long it would be before I was better) and didn’t get upset as I thought they would. One boy made me laugh and said “Oh but miss, you were dancing earlier so you can’t be THAT poorly - are you sure you’re ill?!”. And of course, most of the boys got the giggles because I said the words “breast” and “boob”.
Vicky