Hi,
I am new to this site and feel very alone. I just found out yesterday that I have breast cancer. They want me in for surgery to have the lump removed within the next 2 weeks. But the biggest shock for me is that I have to have a mastectomy! h
I can’t get my head around this, I feel very confused with all the info that is available.
I am 45 and have 2 young children, what and when do I tell them?
Not sure if I can cope with all this.
Thank you
Jane xx
Hi
My thoughts are with you, I have finished my treatment, but I remember that half the time I didn’t know what was happening as it felt as though it was to someone else.
You will cope and it just takes time
Regards
Rosemary (Dejay)
Hmm. Difficult to know what to tell children isn’t it. I do think it is important not to worry children unduly. Mine were 14 and 10, and initially I told them I had to have a lump removed. I didn’t use the ‘cancer’ word until I was home from hospital, by which time I could also tell them that it was now hopefully gone and that the rest of my treatment was designed to prevent it coming back. I’m sure everyone has different opinions about this. That was just my approach.
Hi Jane, sorry to hear your news. I was diagnosed in april and had a mastectomy (I’m now 45 too). I have a 4 year old daughter and 17 year old stepson. They were 3 and 16 at the time. I told them together a few days before I went into hospital. I told them I had a lump and had cancer, but the doctor was going to take it away. I got hold of a copy of Mummy’s Lump from this site. It was really, really helpful for me and my daughter, as all of the things that happened to the Mum happened to me. It’s a picture book, and it showed the mum with no hair after chemotherapy.
Everyone’s different, I knew that my children would really wonder what was going on and would hear or mis-hear phone calls, or hushed conversations. My daughter saw my scar very early on and is very accepting and curious.
I told her nursery very early on, and they have been incredibly supportive and helpful, which made a real difference.
Best wishes Alice x
Hello Jane
so sorry you have had to join us, but this is a great place for info, advice and support, so I hope you’ll keep coming on and making use of it.
I was 38 when first diagnosed and my children were 11 and 9. I waited a week until I’d calmed down somewhat and then my OH and I told them the truth, ie that I had a breast cancer and would be going into hospital for surgery, and I kept on updating them as I needed to. I found that really worked for them. I also kept their primary school updated, although my 9 year old daughter took over that role quite quickly. For my kids, it meant they weren’t scared of something they didn’t understand, and when I got upset, they could understand why. I think i was lucky in their ages, but now, aged 21 and 24, they deal with treatment very calmly, knowing that new developments aren’t necessarily the end of the world. We have always been very open about it and as lighthearted as we could be, and that helps us all to deal with it.
I hope this is some help to you - one of the best things about it all was how they were accepting of the info - at 9 and 11 they had heard of breast cancer on newsround and they were sorry, and anxious at times, but not distraught.
wishing you the best of luck, be kind to yourself and let us know how you go on
Monica xx
Hi Jane99
As well as the support you are receiving from the other forum users you may find the BCC booklet ‘talking with children’ helpful. It covers topics such as how and when to tell children and the kind of language that may be appropriate as well as other issues. If you would like a copy just follow this link:-
breastcancercare.org.uk/upload/pdf/talking_to_your_children_about_breast_cancer_0.pd
I hope this is helpful.
Kind regards
Sam (BCC Facilitator)
Hi Everyone
Just to say a big thank you to all your replies it has really helped.
This whole thing (like to many) was totally new and a huge shock. The hours that followed after being told I can’t even remember. But since reading stories on this site has helped me understand/make decisions that affects my treatment.
My Consultant has been considerate of my concerns and made a note of them. I think this is very important.
I am booked into a MRI scanned this Friday followed by Lump removal plus nodes (possible Mast) next Thursday depending on results from MRI.
Feeling a bit more positive about things since joining this site. It helps to know that you are not alone.
Many thanks ladies.
Jane xx
Hi Jane,
I’m feeling for you as I was diagnosed today. MRI next Monday and surgery who knows when? - Christmas, surgeon on holiday etc. I’m 44 with a 13 yr old son and I have no idea what to say to him. I’m more upset than I thought I would be as I didn’t think it was going to be cancer at all.
The best of luck on your journey. Don’t feel alone.
wriggly and Jane
I am so sorry you find yourselves in this position. This site is brilliant and you will get such wonderful support whenever you need it. Any questions, just ask away. Feeling dreadful, frantic, or just want a rant, then this is the place.
Good luck to you both for the next step you are about to take. Let us know how you get on.
Ann x
Hi
So sorry to hear your news but you are in the right place to get support. Everyone chooses a different path with telling their children and there is no right or wrong/just what is right for you and your family. I wa 45 when i had my breast cancer and i did not tell my children until i knew what was going to happen and then told them i had cancer. My youngest was 11 years old and took it the worst. We chosse to be open and told the children everything they wanted to know. This might not be right for people with younger children. Good luck on your journey.
HugsXXXXXX
Hi Jane and Wriggly
sorry you had to join us. I was 46 when my BC was found and I worried about how to tell my little boy about what was happening. My BCN gave me a BCC book called “Mummy’s lump” and it was great, it really helped him (and me!) to understand what was going to happen. The book’s aimed for children 6 and under I understand although whilst it uses simple language I think it would be useful for use with older children.
There’s a Macmillon booklet that is about talking about cancer with children and the BCC is also useful, my other son is 19 and I understand that he’s looked on a couple of the sites that they recommend. I’ve been open and honest with both children but just used language appropriately to each.
Good luck to you both
Katie x x
Hi Jane & Wriggly,
Sorry you find yourselves here. I was only diagnosed 2 days ago at the age of 29 so I think I am still in shock a little. I have also used the ‘Mummy’s Lump’ book this evening to read to my sons (one is 7 tomorrow and the other is 5), my daughter would be too young to understand at the age of 2.5.
This site is brilliant and will help you feel like you have company on something many of your friends and family will not truly understand like the people on here.
Take Care and let us know how your MRI goes…I have mine next Thursday and feel like that is th next big thing I am waiting for much like you!
Paulax
Hi Ladies
Have now told the girls and they were fine. At this stage only told them I have a lump and the doctors need to remove it so mummy has to go back into hospital. I think cos I was in hospital in September and had my gall bladder removed they are not so worried. One step at a time for me and one step at a time for them.
Had my MRI scan on Friday, a bit strange but not scary. It is like laying right next to road works (the big drill they use) So anyone having an MRI take a CD with very loud music on it - but you still may not hear it. My took about 20 mins and to pass the time away I just focused on my breathing.
Next stage - 5 days until my op to have the lump and nodes removed and possible Mastectomy! The Mastectomy is the hard bit, can’t quite come to terms with that yet.
Take care everyone, and thanks for your replies, it does help.
Amanda xxx
Hi Amanda and everyone else,
Just read all your posts, have not been on here for a week as I had a mastectomy and axillary clearance 6 days ago. I was 47 at diagnosis 4 weeks ao with a grade 3 invasive ductal cancer. Was a huge shock and I dreaded telling my kids, 13 and 9 never mind everyone else. But they took it really well, was honest but kept it simple. My 9yr old also informed most of her school on my behalf, but thats ok!
Am doing ok post surgery, still have 2 drains in which are a pain. literally but hope they’ll be out in next few days. Am really tired but taking things slowly, awaiting histology results on 22nd Dec, feel a lot more positive than I did few weeks ago so it does get easier,
Good luck
Love Tessa xx
Hi ladies
Starting to feel a bit nervous now, my op is in 3 days! Keep thinking do I have all the information to agree to this treatment. The Consultant is planning to do a mast and removal of nodes from the underarm. Should I just leave it in hands of the experts. Up till now have been feeling positive about my tests and propose treatment, but now feeling tired, frighten, emotional and angry!
Any advice, would be grateful.
Jane xx
Hi Jane, I think the feeling nervous has been experienced by all of us on here but that doesn’t make it any easier for you to deal with. I was nervous too but you know what?,I was just so pleased to get on with it to get the bl**dy Cancer out of my body. You may not belive this but I was MORE upset at loosing my hair which happened months before the surgery…because that is when I actually realised that I had BC. When I looked in the mirror I could see someone who was having chemo…and the reality struck home. I was 39 and had an LD Flap with reconstruction. All I can say is that it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be…I know other people with think differently. I was so scared of going under the anesthetic as I had only had an operation twice before as a young child. But things have improved dramatically from the early 1950’s and I was so relieved to come through it all…was even sitting up in bed a few days later showing my new boob to any visitors who wanted a peek! I can’t take away your anxiety but perhaps your breast care nurse can talk you through some of the worries you have. Much love Val XX
val,you are truly an amazing ladie,i have noticed you are allways the first to help when people are scared,juet wanted to tell you love dawn xxxxx
Hi Jane,
Just wanted to say am thinking of you and am sure you’ll be fine, I had the same op a week ago today, see previous post above. Had drains taken out yesterday so getting there slowly. I just put myself in the hands of my consultant who I trusted, the bit that is more sore post op is under the arm not the boob site but its more discomfort than pain. Am having a delayed reconstruction as will probably need radiotherapy
Where in the country are you? There’s lots of suport for you, my breast care nurse has been fantastic
Love Tessa
Hi Ladies
Thanks for your response! When I read your posts I do feel a lot more positive about stuff then you get an update and it seems your world falls apart again. Like today, the hospital rang to say that my MRI scan showed that my lump was a lot bigger than originally shown on the ultrasound scan. So there is no choice I will have to have a mastectomy! So my Consultant wants to see me this Wednesday before my op on Thursday, please roll on Friday!
Tessa - thank you for your thoughts. How long did you stay in hospital for? Btw I live in Hartlepool. What is “waiting for histology results”?
Val - I agree with you about getting the bl**dy cancer out of my body, but it is so hard to deal with it. I think the problem is that I havn’t accepted that it is happening to me! Also I don’t feel ill, I feel healthy and fit!
Thank you,
Amanda xx
Hi Jane and all you brave people,
Sorry you will have to have a mastectomy, its one step forward and 2 back. I fell at the first hurdle of the MRI scan, had a panic attack and had to go back today drugged up to the eyeballs! Managed it today though.
Good luck at next appointment.