I have edited this post as I suddenly felt vulnerable posting some personal information about myself.
I wasnt sure what section to post this but do know that its only on these forums that people will really understand. I hope that some of you can tell me your experiences or give me some advice.
I was diagnosed March 2007 and have just finished 18 Herceptin, still on Tamoxifen.
I am usually a very careful person but am feeling reckless, I keep thinking that I only have one life and I should just be happy etc. etc. But am I thinking straight, am I having some kind of mid life crisis, is this only happening because of BC, do other people feel like this and get over it? I am 45 and if I change my life in the radical way I am thinking it will reverberate and affect lots of other peoples lives including my childrens. However, I just see this future myself which will be so much happier and rewarding.
Sorry to go on about this, I realise its very personal but hope somebody has some idea of what I feel like.
i feel entirely different now, I only care about me it’s great and I’ve been like this for five years since diagnosis. I also spend much more on me and on what I really want. It took breast cancer to discover the joy of selfishness, no more caring about anyone else look after no 1. No-one else seems to appreciate the new me though as much as I do.
Hi Polly
just got back home after walking the dogs with my wonderful husband along the St Ives beach. Am I bragging?
NO not at, all I am trying to tell you is I love my life as short as sadly it will be. Have I hurt people along the way?
Yes I am sure I have. This is my life and one that I have lived to the full would I change anything? No I dont think I would.
Can I advise you what to do with your life? Sorry that is not possible, only you know how your children will feel, which friends will accept your new bloke, who will judge you.
Cancer changes us in so many ways, the one thing that it does do is makes us take a good look at where we are in life.
When I was diagnosed Ian asked me to live with him, a few years later we moved to Cornwall, any regrets?
We should have done years ago.
Some times we follow our instinct some times we consider other peoples feelings and miss the chance of a lifetime.
Good luck, hope I have not upset you
I left my first husband 16 years ago and divorced him 12 months later. I had met my second husband and yes there was a spark beginning to ignite between us as I was thinking of leaving the first but we were not in a relationship and i didn’t know whether we ever would be. My children were 2 and 3 years old.
I ended the marriage and I wanted the divorce but it was the hardest most awful time you could ever imagine. I did it because the marriage [in my eyes] was absolutely 100% over and I absolutely knew that without any doubt or hesitation and I have never regretted it. It wasn’t over for my then husband and he was devastated which made it incredibly hard. The children weren’t really old enough to give me a hard time about it but they still suffered despite my best efforts to avoid this.
It took many years to get over and move forward from and my advice to you would be to be absolutely certain of what you want and explore every avenue as much as possible. Talk to your OH, ask about councilling. I agreed to go to Relate [against my will cos he was holding up the divorce] but I cannot recommend it enough, it was excellent and nothing like I thought it would be. i was allowed to speak without being interupted or contradicted and I think we both left with a better understaing of what went wrong. They dont make you stay together or make you split up they just get you talking in a way you probably haven’t for years.
Having a cancer DX obviously makes us all take stock of our lives and maybe want to make changes but please dont do anything hastily, give yourself time to really decide what you want to do and what path you want to take. We all want to live out our days feeling as happy and fulfilled as possible and I’m not saying dont do it I’m just saying be certain it is absolutely what you want because it will not be easy.
I wish you lots of luck and all the happiness you deserve.
Hi Pollym
I would give yourself more time hun. I think after such a lengthy regime of treatment it perhaps isnt the ‘real’ you thinking the thoughts you are thinking. If that makes sense.
I dont want to share in a public forum too much personal stuff, but i am glad i am still in my marriage now for the security it offers me first and foremost. Things arent fantastic but i dont think i could be coping with pursuing another relationship and the insecurity and disappointments that would involve.If you left, your children may not speak to you have you considered that? My 3 daughters mean so much to me and i ‘need’ their respect and love as i have devoted my life to them.
Personally i dont think we are ever the same after DX with this cruel cruel life threatening disease. Maybe it is a mid life crisis who knows but if i were you i would give it time if you can. Many on here post about their marriages and how tricky life is but most have stuck at it and probably are happy with that.
Just had a massive row with OH so i have come and stuck myself here but tomorrow is another day.
One little tip and in answer to some of what you have said, spend time with family and friends. I couldnt cope without my wonderful friends i share so much with them, much to OH annoyance. Even go away on weekends with special friends which helps to make life more exciting.
thinking of you and hoping whatever you do will be right for you.
Love Rxx
I found I had to become very selfish and this is not a trait that comes naturally to me as I have always looked out for others before looking out for myself. I went through a very distressing time with all this due to my sister being in denial. When I was at my sickest she came over from abroad and visited me in hospital - you would have thought there was nothing going on from her behaviour. I have ended up having counselling on account of this as I could not cope with it; she came over for 3 weeks recently and I was stressed as hell despite only seeing her twice. When I spoke to the psychologist I was warned that this thing with my sis could end up dominating my life.
The following day I decided I cannot be held responsible for my sister going into denial, it’s something she must find the means to deal with. I have always been there for her, but I just can’t do it any more as I have to be true to myself and follow my own path now. I’m no longer the dependable person I once was, but maybe that’s a good thing.
I am not sure if I have changed, I ought to ask my OH.
My focus was on wanting to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible, I was dx’d November 2005 and still receive treatment due to recurrences. I have used work as my anchor, taking as little time off as possible to prove to myself I can beat this thing.
Of course my family are my prime focus, but here too I have found by keeping everything as routine as possible I have shown them I can cope and I hope they don’t worry too much.
I do think sometimes sod work it will still be there after I leave. I have changed aspects of my job to my benefit though and stopped doing the boring bits (No one has noticed so there we go) and added new research to my post.
On the more ‘confused’ days I have tried to think about the way I have approached all this, I have sat an thought ‘well what do I want to do?’ and apart from travel I don’t know what I want, perhaps I am content with life or perhaps I lack motivation.I have signed up for educational courses recently so hopefully that will give me a kick up the bum!
Hi there,
I was dx in Sep.2007, lumpectomy and 6 nodes removed, developed lymphodemia in left arm towards end of rad. treatment.
Married to same hubby for 40 yrs this Dec, he is the most solid person you could meet, but when dx. it rocked him to his core. he has been there for me all the way altho i know he struggles with what has happened. As you get older and your relationship becomes longer, there is this feeling that this is how it will be getting old together and just “jogging” along, BC happens and WHAM everythings changed. It doesn’t matter if “your lump” is the size of a pea or an orange, the word Cancer is enough to turn your world upside down in ways you never in your wildest dreams thought possible, and it effects the whole of your family. My eldest daughter had to cope with her mother in law being dx with lung cancer last Jan. and passed away this Jan, I think because of this, she has never really comes to terms with my BC. She never refers to my BC and never askes how I am feeling in relation to it. My youngest daughter however checks on me all the time, and my sister has been there for me from the start. We lost our mom last Nov. during my treatment, so this has been a difficult time for all of us. I do know that I could not have gone thru. any of this without any of them, they have given me other things to focus on and have supported me when most needed, your family whether a family of two or 102, are the ones who will be there at the end. I agree with AJ, BC makes you think silly things and emotions are all over the place, so take time to think and make sure what you want and the road to take. I know I’m lucky with the family I have, not everyone is. But if a change is need then go for it, one thing BC does is to let you know this is not a dress rehearsal, there’s only one go at it.
Good luck with what ever you decide. (what ever decision you choose, you will get 100% support form this site, that’s for sure)
lol
Nanna
Thank you all for all your comments. You are all truly amazing. I am always gobsmacked at just how supportive people are on this site, whether they agree with you or not. It is just wonderful that with all the trauma going on in everyone’s lives they still find the time to support other people. Personally, I always find it difficult to find the right words to answer many messages on here… other people instinctively seem to know just what to say. Hopefully if I manage to finish the Great North Run in October I will raise lots of money for BCC - my way of supporting these forums.
I am still thinking over everything, I have lost a stone with the anxiety of it. Although it has got rid of the post chemo bulge I wouldnt recommend it!
Have you read Dr Peter Harvey -’ After the Treatment Finishes - Then What?’ (Google it). He is a clinical psychologist and puts into words lots of the weird feelings going on in all our heads during and after cancer.
This has been a very thought-provoking thread - thanks.
I was interested in what Carol said about keeping things as ‘normal’ as possible. I was found to have liver secondaries at primary diagnosis in March 07, and since chemo finished, I’ve been fighting hard to keep everything as normal as possible for my family. This summer I have come to realise I’ve been putting on a brave face at the expense of dealing with my own feelings properly, and it all got on top of me recently. I just can’t bear to see the children looking so stricken when they’re worried, so I’m back at work and doing everything else I do outside of work, in an attempt to make it all feel normal. As a result I’m running around like a headless chicken just like I was before BC.
I really grapple with the question of ‘how to live’. I know that I am on limited time - do I give up work, change everything and spend all my time in a hedonist frenzy of doing all the things I’ve always fancied doing? Lots of people have recommended it! It just seems a bit meaningless if I’ve got more than a year or so (which I sincerely expect and hope I have). Or do I carry on with work (in the health service) and voluntary work because that is what real living is about - contributing something to other people and the world? But doing all these things puts me under stress and pressure, and I’ve got enough of that already. I just go round and round in circles.
If I knew how long I had I could prepare, but the limbo-land is such a difficult place to be.
Has anyone else had any experience of this or pearls of wisdom please?
love Jacquie x
How to live? Jacquie your post gave me lots to think about. I struggle constantly with how to live issues. I think all those recommendations about ‘living life to the full’ ‘living one day at a time’ are dreadfully superficial, and terribly burdensome…yet another cnacer competition to go along with the one which judges how hard you battle or how inspirational you can be. There was a really funny article about this approach in the Observer today by Victoria Cohen (prompted by the sudden death this week of the man who wrote 100 things to do before you die.) She makes the really important point I think that a ‘full life’ isn’t necessarily about white water rafting down the Amazon but may be found in more ordinary prusuits like talking to friends or reading a good book.
I think ‘real living’ is about anything we choose to spend our time on…and that may be working…or not working…going on holidays…or not…doing ‘special’ things or not. After my own primary diagnosis with a poor prognosis in 2003 I decided at age 54 then that I wanted to take early retirement and expereince a slower pace of life sooner than I’d anticipated. I also decided with my partner to move out of London for a change. These two life decisions were the right ones for me and I’m glad I did them. 16 months ago I got my regional ‘incurable’ recurrence so the poor prognosis got poorer. I reckon that in the event of my disease going pear shaped I am always 6 months away from dying and goodness knows how long if my disease continues to be ‘indolent’ as a man at the Marsden recently called it. I have talked and thought a lot about dying since my primary diagnosis…I sometimes think that talkin about it has kept it away…I am nearly 5 years since diagnosis and didn’t expect to be alive today but surpisingly am. Like you I feel in limbo land…I wsih someone could tell me for sure how long I have but of course they can’t. I find the uncertainty really really hard. Most of my life is just ordinary getting on with it, but in my head is always this sense of will I see another summer, will I make my 60th birthday (hope so on that one…7 months to go), will I die before or after that endowment policy matures???
No pearls of wisdom…just agreeing that it is bloody hard.
I think the only way you can approach this is to do what feels right for you. To put it another way, I didn’t particularly want to do things like bungee jumping or flying long haul to far off places before I had cancer and I still don’t want to do those things post treatment.
I often think that people expect us to be doing things like running marathons because the media highlight this type of cancer story. Me, I’m just happy with my everyday life even if it is mundane at times. I lived in London for 20 years before I came back to Scotland and I experienced some very different things to my friends here due to work etc., so I’m quite happy with things the way they are at the moment. I’ve had people tell me I don’t get out enough, but I have always enjoyed my home life even before I had BC.
I try to be a’ one day at a time’ person.The important things for me are spending time with family etc.as for all of us;but let me tell you my shameful secret which I know makes me sound a bit silly and superficial;I hate the thought of all the books I will not be here to read!The latest best sellers,the poetry,the biographies etc.I also dont want to do anything spectacular.I have travelled,climbed,boated;I have been married,divorced,widowed.I am a wife,a mum,a stepmum.a grandma,a friend,a neighbour and those are the things I want to go on doing-I just want to ‘be’ for as long as possible.I dont think even at 64 I am anywhere near feeling resigned to a premature end, though I know triple neg puts that on the cards.Breast Cancer-there I have given it capital letters it has assumed a horrible prominence in my life,but it is not me,I am all that I was no more,no less.It is my first thought every morning-mainly as I wonder if today is the day I will feel the need to initiate an investigation of some symptom or other.It pops into my head when I least expect it but it is not me.I am glad of the nickname I use on this and bcpals because perhaps 'horace’and breast cancer are synonomous and one day I will set them both aside-one gladly and one sadly.I cant imagine it at the moment but I hope it will come one day.Love Vx
You have said it all. I love my time with family. And indeed even now on my own. I read and read against the time I can’t any more. Even as I type I love the sound of the pouring rain outside. Like you and many of us I also just want to be here, do good as I can, and wake up the next morning. And the next…
Hi
Dilys and Horace you have echoed what I feel , although I am 20+ years younger than you Horace I am at the point like you where i am happy to just be here and enjoy the things around me . I have lived abroad in various countries , seen amazing sights travelled , done silly thing I’ll never do again (bungee springs to mind) but am content to just be me with my children , see my family as often as I can up north and cherish them . I dont feel the need to go out and swim with dolphins or climb kilimanjaro but I do like being out in nature and feeling alive .
This thread has been really valuable, it has given me lots of food for thought and reassurance. I have been a little ill over the last few days and began to scare myself silly, I will get over it. I did start to drive to work today feeling under the weather, as much as I use work as an anchor I thought sod this, go home and I did, now this is a big step for me. Added to this I have cancelled a training event that some one wanted be to provide tomorrow. I feel awful about this but I HAVE to remember my health comes first.
I am glad I have told you this as I have found it therapeutic. I am just off for and ECG (See my posting re Herceptin side effects)
Thank you all. And JaneRA I really feel sure we will be singing happy birthday to you
in seven months time.
Wow, thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. I will bookmark this thread and keep it for when I feel alone and ‘at sea’ in this limbo.
Jane - I will look up that observer article. I’ve been meaning to come on and tell you that I bought ‘cancer made me a shallower person’. It came within a couple of days and I read half of it in one sitting, laughing out loud all the way. That woman takes my thoughts right out of my head and puts them into a cartoon!! It’s hilarious and honest and poignant and I just love the title - I leave it lying around deliberaltely to get a reaction when visitors see it … Thanks so much for recommending it.
I too have thought about moving to the country, as i have recently come to realise that i just love the outdoors and the countryside. I crave it all the time.Unfortunately I’d have to leave my husband and kids behind, as their lives are so entwined here…
We have some woods near us so I walk (or jog, on a good day) there quite often, and I love being in my garden.
When I was first diagnosed i used to hang around at other peoples’ allotments - just seeing all those rows and peasticks and compost heaps made me feel calmer and brought a sense of natural order!
Please keep talking about this everyone - I think it’s really important.
love Jacquie xx
I have ordered the book though its not the kind of thing I usually read at all.Today is one of those days for me.I am on my own in a hotel in Manchester for 4 days a week for 5 weeks so lots of brooding time!I finish work at 4ish then no one to talk to till next day so i read and brood1thank goodness for free wifi in room or I’d be out of my mind.So far since 4o’ clock I have worried about my cough[asthma aggravated by a cold],uneven pupils[I am very shortsighted in one eye],a sore scalp[discovered by rolling head hard along the edge of the windowsill[why?you might ask].Wish there was good tele on Tuesday.By the way re cough I am sneezing as well but not worried about that.hey hoxxxx