Hard on ourselves sums it up. Nobody else expects as much as we do ?
Pineapple - tiredness is the cause of so much, a good nights sleep is worth it. I have one good night, one bad night so feel lucky. When I have had the bad night the day seems beyond me sometimes. But after a good night I am in my get on with things mood.
Not drinking wine isnt so bad - saves a few calories.
I was never a vane (sp) person, but now feel the need to look good if possible. I even iron my clothes now ! Anything to take attention away from hair and figure.
Eybrows are a underated attribute - have you tried false ones ? I went to boots and they showed me how to use an eyebrow pencil and brush which really helped enhance the few I had.
Am visiting my mums later - she has made a meat pie especially. How can I not eat that to make her happy ? And she`ll do proper chips. And real butter on the white bread. Just have to switch off and enjoy.
Jane, hope you enjoy your meat pie.
How exactly do you do your eyebrows? I bought some pencils, some harder than others, in the sale. Do you use a fine hard one and do single strokes, or a softer one and generally shade in? I can’t seem to get it right either way. have been adding a bit of shade then a bit of clear mascara to emphasise the individual hairs… i just can’t get a crisp, fine enough line for individual hair strokes.
Any advice much appreciated. Sorry to send this thread off on a tangent!
Jacquie x
Never thought I`d give tips on make up.
Its the brush that was key for me. Got a soft pencil with a brush on the other end (like a mini bottle cleaner), put on a few sstrokes then brush across a few times to blend it in.
Off for me pie now. Will be back tommorrow. Wont weigh myself til Friday !
TFN
Jane
Alison I know its early days for you. Its fantastic your going on such a lovely holiday. You see thats one very brave thing to be doing.
Since DX i wont go abroad. Now this is so sad for me as i used to sit and plan holidays on the interent. Wonderful wonderful holidays.
Could you enquire whether your breast care unit has a psychologist. I have been seeing mine for 8 sessions now and its been very helpful. We have concentrated on ‘coping mechanisms’ and just now i need them, probably as much as when first diagnosed.
I could write a book on ‘How this Cancer has changed me’ Maybe before i ‘snuff it’ I will.
Great reading all the postings girls, brought a little tear to my eye the parts about children and grandchildren. I cry at the thought i wont see grandchildren, how i would love them.
Karen are you ok not heard from you for a while never know if you get my emails.
Hi girls, just read all your comments, and yes I agree we will never be the same person we were before diagnosis, I am triple neg, so the fear of bc returning is never ar away, but you cant run to the doctor with every ache and pain just in case. I hope as time goes by we become more reassured.
I live for the moment now, grab every opportunity as it comes, I buy things if I like them, I go on holiday or trips out as often as I can, in a way I have become selfish with an attitude of * it’s my turn to enjoy life* I have earned it !
18 months down the line, I still have numbness in my arm, and some lymphoedema, My surgeon said, it’s a small price to pay, made me feel like I should never have mentioned it, but why not, it is my constant daily reminder of bc.
I am grateful for the help I had on this site at the time of my treatment, and like to see how you are all getting along
Hugs
Marge
xx
Small price to pay - constantly ringing in my ears !
We know we are lucky compare to women not so long ago - my grandmother died of bc in 1970. I feel I have escaped that for the time being. But to have “the change” and 1 breast at 38 is still a bit cr*p. A constant reminder. Think I am going through my bitter/angry phase as my treatment is winding down. Rads and hormone treatment to go.
Jane
I’m really grateful for all the comments in this thread, they’ve made me feel much less alone. I’m coming to the end of the treatments following my dx in Jan this year - I’ve had chemo, then mastectomy and ax clearance. I’m on Tamoxifen and am half way through rads. I’m a candidate for herceptin, but my onc is thinking about this as i had a good result from the chemo - tumour shrank a lot, but it was still a Grade 3.
At the time of the dx i was devastated, but was able to rally myself to face up to all the treatments and got through chemo, still working and still running the household. The surgery, however, has not been a good experience. 8 weeks on I’m still very uncomfortable - I’ve only just stopped having fluid drained and in the course of that I contracted two infections. From the outset my scar has been really angry and is badly twisted. It’s not only painful, but I’m really self conscious about it. Apparently it’s going to need plastic surgery when I’ve finished the rads (it has been quite a battle to get anyone to actually admit it’s not right, of course). I’ve been sitting around at home, not able to do much for weeks and last week when I started the rads (and had to bare my chest to all and sundry) the blues set in big time and I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. I also fell out big time with my mum - all because of my state of mind - and that was not good. After all this time of telling everyone “I’m fine”, I’m at last telling them the truth - a watered down version, of course - that I’m exhausted physically and emotionally, I’m frightened about the future and have somehow in all of this, lost sight of the real me. I don’t know how I’m going to manage going back to work, or when my home and social life will ever get back to normal. I guess I’ve just been in denial all these months and so everything that I’ve bottled up is finding its own way out. i get really angry with myself - I’m so close to the end of all these treatments and I just can’t pull myself together (what do I think I am, a pair of curtains?). Bitter and angry just about sums it all up, Jane, thank you!
I’m so grateful you all shared how you have felt too - I’m not the only one and you will understand how I feel at the moment. I’m going to book in for some counselling, I think that’s a great idea and I will be applying the “wear the best stuff now” mantra from tomorrow - that’ll perk me up.
Thanks for listening to this winge, folks. Alison have a great hol and tell us all about it when you come back - inspire us.
Sarah
X
Jacksy, have you got a Look Good, Feel Better session at your local hospital? They show you how to apply makeup AND give you a large box of goodies to take away with you.
I haven’t been on here for a while, Returned to work in May after nearly a year off for operation, chemo and rads and felt good when I went back. Life seemed to be getting back to ‘normal’. Now I get ssooo tired (despite usually sleeping well), bad tempered and very uptight. Has anyone else found that they have gone backwards mentally? I don’t think about the cancer so often but it is always there in the background. And everyone thinks it is now all in the past and I should carry on like nothing happened.
Hi to all of you. Oh how you echo a lot of my emotions! First was dx in 2000 and after surgery,recon and tamoxifen just sort of got on with things. Back to a job I loved and despite problems with Tamoxifen, tried to put the whole CA thing behind me. Even divorced and re-married a few years on and then the dreadful shock to be dx with a recurrence in 2005. Much more agressive treatment this time and sadly lots of lymph involvement, so completely different prognosis now. I certainly will never ever feel the same again. Apart from all the ‘aches and pains’ (on Arimidex) , it is the uncertain future. I have become more relaxed about many things and no longer say ‘yes’ to everything, but just can’t make long term plans any longer. Had some counselling (great success, I would say), and try to make the best of every day. But the sad thing is that I now get so angry if anything at all goes wrong - you know ‘normal’ every day things that happpen to all of us - . I want to have a good day every day, and life is just not like that. And when people and/or circumstances now stress me out - and there have been loads of occasions - , I just blow my top - I just don’t need extra stress. OH has been very understanding and things have been very diifcult for him as he lost his previous wife, but even his patience is wearing a bit thin now. I try and take the advice from my counsellor to put down every day, 5 things that were ‘good’ in that day and that does help to put things in perspective. At first, you just can’t see anything good, but after doing the exercise for a few weeks, you end up filling the page with ‘good’ things,
Off on hols soon, firsts long flight since finishing chemo, so a bit worried about lymphoedema (which I already have on chest wall), but otherwise looking forward to sun and swimming and relaxing and hopefully coming back more positive.
Good luck to all of you out there who are struggling.
I think I have changed for the better. Although I am worried sometimes about my arm, one year on from end of treatment I am doing stuff I never did before. In 2007 i have: learnt to waterski, had a holiday with my 2 sisters and no families (haven’t done that ever and was really good), been to Bath Spa for a pampering weekend with a friend, went to Brussels with another friend, been travelling through Canada - the National parks, the Rockies, etc, - and came back from there just last week, and have even been out on the odd ‘date’ again for the first time since my partner died. Also, I am going through the process to adopt a child (I have none of my own, can’t have them). My partner died a few years ago and it was something we considered for some time until he fell ill. I have never given up on it, and now it looks like it may become reality - i had the medical first due to having had BC, after which I was accepted for the assessement, and am now half way through the assessment.
In myself, I have become more outgoing, always up for a challenge or new experience, and take opportunities whenever they arise - i don’t put stuff off like I did in the past. I’ve actually got more tolerant with people in one sense, but less in another as I also don’t ‘go along’ with things for the sake of it or for a quiet life, nor do I take on things i don’t want to do or suffer fools gladly - afraid to say i’m probably more selfish!
I was dx in January with 5cm invasive ductal carcinoma, stage 3 highly agressive, triple neg. Have been cut,poisoned and burnt. Now nothing. No Herceptin, Tamoxifen etc as it would not respond to these. It feels a little like stepping off a giant diving board and not knowing if there’s any water at the bottom.
My prognosis is poor, and I too get a lump in my throat when I see my beautiful baby grandchildren. Will I see them go to school or get married? Whenever I see the news about 2012 olympics I get teary as it seems such an age away. I thought I was just morbid, which is unlike my normal optimistic nature. BUT, how good it is to read that I am not alone in thinking like this!
What a marvelous support this website is, to be able to be honest, in a way that you can’t with loved ones who always want you to think positive (and I try to most of the time, honestly). I realise now that I am not the only human in thinking down the dark corridor sometimes, so thankyou, everyone who has bared their soul and been truthful about feelings.
Having breast cancer has just speeded up my life. I want to start reading all those wonderful novels I have promised myself I would find the time to read, to go to the ballet, see that show, travel to that country, tell that person how much I love them, see that friend I haven’t seen for ten years. Life is for living, not for putting off.
God bless, love Annie xx