Hi everyone, I stopped coming on this forum not long after starting my chemo in 2008 only because I wasn’t really handling things very well. I had primary breast cancer in my right breast. After a lumpectomy and removal of my lymph nodes I had 6 x FEC and 40xRadiotherapy. Finished in June 2009. I’ve had 1 mammogram (which had me in tears) since and I’m on Tamoxifen.
I still don’t understand why, I will never understand why. I feel guilty when I feel sad because I keep getting told that I’m one of the lucky ones and I feel angry at my body, so angry (I certainly don’t trust it or like it anymore).
Has anyone else been having problems with their knees?!
Does anyone live in London, or even SW London and is my age (now 29)?
My name is Vickie and i am 37. I was dx last march and had lumpectomy, fec-t chemo and rads, now on tamox but not sure how useful it is as am only vaguely er+ve.
I recognise all your emotions well. I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I too dont understand why this hsppenef to me and what actuslly happened to mske my body do something that basically meant it tried to kill itself. I cant say how long this lasts as you are further down the line than me! I try to form good thoughts and think along good lines, but it doesnt always work. But i tell myself that my body didmt totally turn against me as my lumo hurt, so that was my body trying to warn me. And there was a palpable lump, again body warning me. I congratulate myself for finding the lump and then doing something about it straightaway. I am proud that i got through such difficult treatment and that my body got me through that. I need to feel that my body and mind and spirit has done well to build my selfesteem i think. I do hVe a negative littld voice who pops up regularly to tell me i am a failure and rubbish for getting cancer but i try and encourage my positive little voice instead! I know it sounds mad, its just how i am getting through.
Theres an article on thr cancer counselling trust website by dr peter hervey which deals with life after treatment has finished and it reallh helped me. I also see a cslt psychiatrist and would recommend you do too if you dont already. I get a sense of safety by being on her books as i trust shecan help me if i go wonky.
Anger is totally valid, dont beat yoyrself up about yr feelings.
Take care, huge hugs cos i know just how hard this bag of ***** is.
Hi, I’m 32 years old. I did not start using this forum until I finished my treatment in Oct 2009. I was far too much of a mess to come on here during treatment, and if I am honest found reading the stories of those in a worse position than me too hard to handle.
I feel quite differently now. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad weeks where I experience a pain and get totally consumed with the thought that it is a secondary and it is all over for me, but on the whole, I think I have accepted what has happened to me, but I think this is because I had some therapy for well over 6 months. It took a while to get some help, and my GP sign posted me to the wrong sort of help, in the end my breast care nurse, got the consultant to refer me to the NHS service for Acceptance and Committment therapy (ACT). It is not counselling, it is a form of CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy). Now I am not one for counselling, but I felt so confused about who I was and where i was going once my treatment finished that I was willing to give anything a go.
I found it so helpful, and worked for me as the lady I saw gave me stuff to read, complete questionnaires, write down examples of how I feel each day, and illustrated my thoughts with metaphors. Sounds like a load of rubbish but it really helped me. I just wish there was more resource on the NHS that I could continue with it, because I felt so much better in myself when I had this support.
I can send you some website links if you are interested, I am sure your GP could refer you or your consultant.
I live in Surrey, I am happy if you want to message me. There is more info about me on my profile.
Thanks so much for the comments back, I think I was having a really bad week! It does come and go. Looking back and reading it, I feel so ungrateful for my second chance, but I’m really not! (Yes the sun is out - which helps!).
I have been going counselling and she is great, but I never let her get to the point that we need to talk about… I seem to be very good at avoiding things.
I would like more information/links on this stuff you mentioned if that’s ok (thank you!).
im on 4th fec with 2 more to go and then the unknwn of mx, rads and tam to come. im generally coping ok with occasional wibble along the way.
its interesting how you blame your body at times and thought id shhare my approach: the way i imagine it is that 1 rogue cell got a bit power crazy and decided that it wanted to rule the world . i actually view the chemo as ammo which is going to rearm my army that i have in there. as for the mx, im trying hard to come to terms with this and liken the said rogue cell to Bin Laden hiding somewhere in my boob, with the only option to abbliterate the whole thing. the cell looks like a person in my head - like a james bond baddie he sometimes even strokes a cat!
Mmm, now ive written it down i think it makes me sound slightly unhinged. never mind, i will just carry on my conversation with the fairies…
you will probably be pleased to know that i dont live anywhere near london
Erica, your first post didn’t sound at all ungrateful to me - I thought it sounded completely normal, given what you’ve been through. What I have noticed is that you seem to be a bit hard on yourself, and I can completely empathise with you there. I work really hard to be “normal”, to be “positive” (god I hate that word sometimes, not least because it has two sides) because that’s just how I was generally even before December’s diagnosis, to be upbeat and to support others, but in my quiet moments I also cry and sob and I’m very scared and frightened. I reckon I could probably benefit from counselling as there’s a right mess inside my head but I wouldn’t want to be the counsellor who tried to sort it all out! I suspect you tiptoe around the edges, but if you can let yourself dip your toe in occasionally, sneak up on what you see as the root of your issues, you may find that you are eventually able to address it directly. But don’t beat yourself up for not being gung-ho about life the world and everything all the time. You’re human, you’re allowed to have your bad days as well as good ones.
I’m in Surrey and I’m ancient compared to you. You’re far too young to be going through this, life sometimes just isn’t fair. Lucky? If you squint really hard you could say you’re lucky in that you got through your treatment, but “lucky” would be no cancer, and at 29 cancer is most definitely NOT “lucky”. Whoever said that, or keeps saying that, needs to take a long hard look at what they’ve said. You can bet your life they wouldn’t want to go through what you’ve been through!