Good grief, it was all going so well so I thought. All my little ducks were in order, everyone was coping fine. Now, day of seeing BCN nurse and day before seeing consultant they are all flapping all over the place. My ten year old is in bed sobbing that she doesn’t like my bed anymore even though she has slept with me a hundred times before when her Dad is away because I wont go to bed yet cos my head is buzzing. My other crutch (a fag) is sitting there staring at me (even though I gave up last Thursday and dont really need one the pleasure of rolling it and the anticipated joy it promises seem worth the risk. My denial crutch - my umpteenth glass of wine (though I have promised everyone including myself I will sort this crutch out soon) is tasting so sweet, my eldest has long since left home and my middle child is starting his great adventure in life at Military College that I want to run upstairs to that sobbing child and shout - “I need to be selfish for just a while - I cant give anymore to you right now and put you first”!!!
I went up and gave my little one a hug and told her how alone I would be had she not been here today and tried in very basic terms to tell her how I need sometime on my own sometimes. She often struggles with that one - me needing time alone. I sipped from my wine glass, texted my hubby to tell him how much I appreciate how much he is trying to love me and my fag is still staring at me…
Hi Ostrich
Saw your previous thread about denial/maybe shock. Sorry you are now beginning to feel bad. Kids can pick up on your emotions - your ten year old is probably doing this.
Can your perhaps use her as a crutch? Give her a hug and tell her everything is OK - and you will be giving yourself a hug too maybe? Don’t beat yourself up about your other crutches - we all need them, especially now.
Hope you hear good news from your BCN & consultant.
Jo xx
Thanks, am trying the old smoking crutch as we speak but surprisingly not as good as I thought! No more, stick to the patches and the plastic tampon I(thats how it looks) to suck on at the v least until I recover from surgery!
Hey Ostrich stop beating yourself up,I was exactly the same at first, You want to shout this is about me.
Hey if you want that fag you have it,my breast nurse said this is the worse time to try and give up,yeah we all know smoking isn’t good for us,but she said I hadn’t got BC from smoking,So if I need them cigs to get through this so be it wish I could say everything will be fine,But it was one responce I hated.
Ireally hope everything goes ok for you but if it doesn’t then we will all be here for you,I get all my frustrations out on here and give the family a bit of peace,hey it helps
xxxxxxxxx
Thanks Walton.
Me and my chardonnay are fine. Husband is hopefully sleeping knowing I love him for the love he has shown me recently, son is blissfully aware at new boarding college, oldest daughter is being hugely “whatever suits you mum” from her flat the other side of town and 10 year old is sleeping peacefully having cried her only 2nd set of tears since I was diagnosed. Life is good, comparatively speaiking!
Soz, chardonnay and me doing too well - son blissfully unaware (not aware!!) of my mental troubles and being only 16 and a week into his greatest adventure doesn’t need to know anything more than the “mechanics”.
Hi ostrich
I know just how you feel, I dropped my eldest off at Uni last tuesday then took my youngest (16) army college on Sunday so after 10 years of bringing them up on my own i am now home alone!!! For weeks i have kidded myself how i would enjoy the peace and quiet. Its actually hit me like a sledgehammer, i have spent last few nights pacing roundhouse bawling my eyes out. Give the kids a massive hug and use whatever crutch that gets you through it.
On top of kids leaving i was told today i need a bone scan and i havent even started chemo yet!!
sometimes life can be really s**t!
Sorry for moaning I’m off for cig too…Again
Helen xx
Hi Helen.
Did your son start Welbeck perchance?
How long will you have to wait for your bone scan? What was your original dx if you dont mind me asking?
Hey Ostrich , my chemo nurse recommended I drink wine , good for the heart and the head (as long as you dont drink the bottle !) Like all mums you have given yourself to others all the time , children , hubby , its constant so can totally understand the ‘need to be selfish’ you just need time for you and to be you not something to everyone else. Its hard in the early days , you are totaly turned upside down. At least you can talk with your youngest but the downside of that of course is that she is aware of the situation and your feelings. My two little monkeys bicker a lot (and still do)
sounds like you have a lovely normal family (be pretty weird if your 10 year old didnt go off and sulk once in a while)
Cally
Hi
Harrogate army foundation college.
I dont think i will have to wait long.Kicked up bit of a fuss today you see
I wasdx 7th may had WLE in June then Re excision in july. I still havent seen oncologist for treatment plan as the labs FORGOT to test the ER< PR and HER2 tests TWICE!!!
I now have all results Grade3 invasive lymphovascular and am triple negative.
I have developed pain in hip and lower back thats why bone scan requested.
Have been told will have appt with ONC on 25th sept but it has to be confirmed by post,
I will be camping out in clinic if they dont confirm it!!!
i am going on hol to Canary Islands this sunday for 1 week so will be fighting fit (hopefully) when get back!!
Whats your dx?
Thanks Cally,
Family life is the most normal and comforting part. As far as my job goes thats where I struggle sometimes. I do not want to be taken off front line duties (I am a police officer but only 18 months in) but when I arrest some drunken/drug addict person who says, and I quote (although not literally as he was v drunk) as was said to me last week - “I was diagnosed with a magligant brain tumor 5 years ago and this is why I am soo drunk because they only removed 3/4 and I am living with the other 1/4” a part of me wanted to say “For crying out loud, I have BC and am stood here having arrested you because I had no choice because you are soooo drunk you cannot even remember your name but I choose to carry on and not hide behind a crutch!!!” I havent yet had to deal with a sudden death since my dx and to some extent am dreading it because they always affect me in someway still I hope that I will be able to bring a little something more than I could have before! Those are the times ironically that I feel some real job satisfaction!
Soz, re above brain tumour comment it was benign! Duh! Easy mistake to make!!!
Hi HelenTN.
Sorry to learn that yours was grade 3. That sucks! My dx was a 22 mm tumour behind the left nipple (which 3+ years ago was only a mouse so say) meaning I have to have mastectomy. A 3 week delay seems intolerable - surprised your still sane!!! Enjoy your hols, you deserve them!!!
PS Helen, still so new I have no idea whether I am + or - etc., As far as camping out in clinic goes I dont blame you, have already decided that if I dont leave tomorrow with a date my teddy will be on the floor!!!
Lol yeah it really gets to you.
the docs were glad to see the back of me today i think but SIX month from dx til treatment is too long even allowing for surgery healing.
i hope all goes well for you and very well done for continuing to do a stressful job!!!
helen xx
Let us know how your holiday goes and what your oncologist says on the 25th! x
Thanks will do that x
nite all xx