Since bc and recon I can not imagine being naked with a man ever again due to my physical appearance being so unsightly, however I am young and need to find a way through this. Reading other women’s posts I know this is not uncommon though it also seems some people have happy sex and love lives, leading me to wonder what has worked to help other people through this. I tried the body image exercises sugested on some sites, you know, the look at yourself until you find three things you like and so on but it just is not working. Counselling which tells me I am wrong to feel deformed does ot work either. I need advice from people who have been where I am and can look at thier bodies without anger and disgust,most of all from those who have sussed how to risk becoming intimate again.
I know lots of others would benefit from advice too and would like to compile a top tips thread but I do not want to be insensitive, so if anyone prefers to pm me with thier strategies, or any tips to try I would respect their privacy and put the tip in without using thier names.
As for black underwear, or any other form of hiding - that’s rather the point isn’t it? Even the BCC leaflet suggests wearing camisoles, keeping your top on etc. It’s weak at best. I’ve been “in hiding” for a long time and cannot see an end to it. If I find it hideous why would anyone else find it attractive in any way?
And the first person to post “you are not just your breasts” had better duck for cover or go into hiding …
I’ll try and inject a little ‘quality’ will probably fail but we’ll have a giggle here - that’s got to be a good start!
Dahlia, you are not just … KIDDING!!! I too will join you in stamping out the ‘not just boobs’ brigade (although I know it’s usually well meant, just not helpful). Not that I think that women who accept themselves (or are able to enjoy sex without a breast etc) are wrong, of course they’re not, but we all cope with BC/recon/non-recon differently and that doesn’t mean you’re weak if you can’t face ‘getting naked’ with a new (or indeed, existing partner), it just means you haven’t found a way through just yet. Some people are also strong advocates of counselling where for others, this just doesn’t work. I think it’s psychologically more difficult if you’ve enjoyed your breasts previously, if they’ve beeen a strong erogenous zone/have had an erotic effect on your partner/s etc, whereas others have never found their breasts particularly sexual. I’m a firm believer that thrashing out these issues on a thread such as this one has got to be a damn good start of ‘finding a way’.
I’m in the same boat as Jane in being single and at the stage of getting comfortable in ‘revealing all’ to someone else. Yes sure, we can all use sexy undies/dress up etc (some people/leaflets advise that as if no-one’s ever thought of that before - duh!) and sexy gear is great but, as I’ve said before, it has to be because you feel like dressing up (for pleasure/fun) not because you’re doing it to hide yourself because if you’re covering up because you ‘have to’ to facilitate sex occuring then surely that’s acting in shame and you’ll never have the ‘quality’ unabandoned sex we’re looking at achieving.
One of the tips I’d go for I guess, would be humour & mischief!
I’ll clear off for a minute and give someone else some space.
Thanks to all who have cotributed so far, please ,please add to this.
I intend to take all advice Dave Gorman style and try out as much as I can and rate the efectiveness for me. Any other testers out there?
So maybe the question is actually two questions;
How do I feel attractive again in the face of a disfigured body, which has already been enough to turn men off? and What is essential to being able to risk intimacy?
I Am 18 months post op lumpectomy rads zoladex etc and have just had oophrectomy 8 weeks ago and my libido has come back!!! don;t give in girls cos I never thought this would happen!!!
I have just had a hol with my friend and hey ho its back!!!
Update - two members sent their persoanl tips and I am really thankful to them Both are in long term realationships and have had different challenges to me in that there was someone else to consider fro the start but the themes are similar - both cite how you look at yourself as being key. One thoughtfully says that she decided to stop saying negative things to herself when she saw her image in the mirror as she did not want OH to pick up on her feelings and she tried to carry on as normal, not hiding her body from her OH, or even her children. One of te women says she has actually increased intimacy as she allows OH access to her treated boob and considers him lucky she is seeping with him! Such confidence!
So top tip no 1 is: Do not say negative things to yourself abut your image, you are still you, less of you but still you. I am going to try this all week and will report back how it is working for me.
very good thread this as its something i have found very hard to come to terms with after always being considered has having a good figure esp in the boobs dept i have still not found a way of liking myself again and i dont expect any one else too that’s why im still single years on lol, when it comes to being intamate i tend to find an excuse to finish the relationship before it gets that far, i think i need help !
Hi All,
I guess there’s an issue here about the depth of trust in your relationship, as well as the way you see yourself. You need to feel safe, supported and understood by your partner. If it’s an existing partner or someone you’ve known for a long time, it’s surely easier than if it’s someone you’ve just met. It’s sad if you end up baling out of the relationship Lucy-style! Cathy and Claire would have said that if he’s worth it he will wait until you’re ready, so there’s no rush.
I suppose accentuating your good points (that’s a ready-made excuse for spending money on new clothes and hair!)and looking at other areas of your life than your appearance really do help, as, if you feel confident in yourself, and feel sexy in your clothes, that’s half the battle.
Sorry, no other answers. Anyone else?
Jacquie x
Don’t know if this will help but 4 and 1/2 years on I still repeat this to myself whenever I remember. It’s from the barefoot doctor.
‘As I see it is how it shall be. I’m now willing to see myself as a sexually healthy, functional and desirable being, therefore I am one. Others, especially sexual partners see it too. In fact, I’m so sexually healthy, functional and desirable as a being, I’m almost too sexy altogether.’
I have to admit I don’t say it as often as I used to so maybe it’s worked and my sexuality/feminity isn’t the issue it used to be. The last bit still makes me smile when I say it.
I think Jane’s tip about thinking about yourself in a positive way helps in a general way and not just in a sexual way. If I look at myself and think I am ugly/unattractive/deformed/mutilated etc then that is how others (including my OH) might see me. So I tell myself I am an attractive woman and hope other people pick up on this positive image I have (or try to have) of myself. I am not saying it works all the time but it does help my self esteem. If I don’t like/love myself why should other people?
I have no libido at the moment and I don’t know whether that is because of my mastectomy or the menopause. I seem to think I was like this before my mastectomy so I could put it down to the menopause.
Well girls, 24 hours into trying not to think or say negative things about my body to myself.It is actually really difficult to stop! I have not got as far as the Barefoot Doctor mantra as I still find that I am having to check myself every time the recon gets uncomfortable or twitches etc. Lucyloo, will you join me in testing these strategies? It might be useful to compare notes and unless you, me and Diep are going to collect cats and make jam for the rest of our days we need to get this sorted.
Maude and Jacksy thanks for your tips - I will add these too and Fantan,I’m working up to your tip!
Hope you don’t mind me asking this,I seem to going through the menopause,haven’t had a period since Feb & chemo,unlikely to return as I’m 44.
My problem is vaginal dryness,should I go to the Drs,what’s the best thing to use? Will it improve or am I destined to a sahara!
Trying to resume a love life with my hubby but this is putting me off.
Will try the positive approach towards my body but I wonder if its a female thing to be so self critical.
Little H - Evie is right, there is a really good thread somewhere on here where lots of women discuss the dryness issue and compare notes. I know that one of the things they raved about was called Sylk, but there were other preparations which were also okay for ER+ - try a search.
Glad you are joining me on the reprogramming your mind thing. I am struggling to get past the “Is this deluded thinking and am I losing my grip on reality if i try to convince myself I look okay, am sexy etc”. Finding i have to keep distracting myself and to be frank finding not thinking negatively quite tiring!
I can honestly say i was not self critical before bc - I thought I looked pretty good and felt healthy and sexy. To be honest, even after WLE I was okay.Even losing my hair, though horrible did not upset me too much as I felt sure I’d get it back. It was the m-op and recon that changed my appearance and sense of self. don’t get me wrong, I look okay dressed and can still pull but like Lucy do not think i could risk actually having sex.
But that’s the point of this thread, to get us unstuck and so many thanks to all you lovely ladies who are giving us advice!Keep it coming!
I use Replens twice a week, this was recommended by my Oncologist. It costs about £10 in Boots and I buy it about every 4 weeks, but I believe a lot of GPs will let you have a prescription for it. I get the one where you have the tube of cream and the syringe - the pre loaded syringes are twice the cost. It’s hormone free and totally safe.
I have Sylk as well, but find it’s better as a lubricant for sex (not that it happens very often!)