katy, ur post is fab and made so much sense!im a bit useless about putting my feelings and opinions across. im a mummy of 2 , two beautiful lads of 15 and 6.thanks!! ali, dont take this onboard by yourself, please pm me if you would like to talk. lots of love, alex xxxxx
Alix,
Does your husband have an understanding of the potential side effects of cancer treatments? and moreover of the particular drugs you will be given? If he doesn’t understand that the drugs are systemic and therefore affect your whole body and not just the cancer cells, do tell him this. Maybe you should list the common side effects to him and ask him if he would be able to work/ arrange the extension / parent full time through them? Let alone improve his performance in any of these.
If suffering in any significant way from chemo side effects, even the Bear Grylls types among us are simply not physically capable of carrying on as normal. It’s not a matter of will power or of indulging. If you are well enough you can and if are not well enough you cant. It’s not like having a cold you can ‘power through’ I’m afraid. I tried and believe me it does not work.
What i’m saying here is that the time for opinion is quite simply, over. It’s not a case of what he judges to be acceptable or not, it’s a case of what is realistic and possible. You will only know that on a day by day/ week by week basis.
what ever he is feeling, there are some absolute truths that he should be aware of.
I’m sorry you are feeling lonely at a time when you clearly should feel supported and cared for. You are very welcome to pm me if you ever like. even though i have probably put you off by sounding bossy and righteous. But I promise I am right! hahaha
Cannoliwings X
mummysboob, I think you are just more diplomatic than either me or cannoliwings tee hee. xx
innit!! x
Hi Alix
Please don’t feel lonely in all of this. You are NOT alone if you keep posting on this site everyone will hold your hand and help you through this rotten time.
Also, phone the help line as they must have been through this before with other women and might have advice for you that does not appear on here.
But other people are right, this is your health we are talking about and you must try to put this first as nothing is more important than that especially a bl***y extension!!!
wishing you all the best wishes. M
Hi Alix
You are going through the same treatment as my wife did by the sounds of it, and may I first wish you all the best for the treatment. The ladies on here are superb and you’ll get lots of support on this forum. Like others I felt angry that your fella can show such an apparent lack of understanding of how this is going to affect you physically and possibly mentally. As others have pointed out, his attitude may be reactionary to being scared. It might be that he is trying to perk you up so you don’t get bogged down in self pity (a rubbish way of trying to encourage you along I’ll admit), a kind of “come on let’s march through this, no time for wallowing etc…”. I’d love to meet up with him and let him peek into our own experience and watch his eyes widen.
Please try and convince him to go to the first Chemo with you, if anything to drive you home afterwards, but mainly to see the treatment process and meet other partners there and see people at different stages of their treatment. I thought I had read/researched asked all the questions I could, but only by going to all my wife’s treatments and being close to her throughout chemo did i appreciate how much it can potentially take out of you.
Leaving literature about the treatment and side effects around so he can pick it up and read it when you are not there. That might focus his mind a little bit. I am sure that whatever side effects of treatment that might occur, this will hopefully get him to appreciate, but really what he needs to do is be supportive pre-treatment so he is also prepared and can also react to your needs immediately and not have to learn about it all when you are already down the road.
If he wants to chat then let me know if I can help.
All the best and whilst the tunnel might seem quite long now it is doable and will hopefully be over before you realise it.
Rich
Where do I get a husband like Richard? Answers on a postcard please! Small- sod the extention,go and get some spa treatments and take it very easy…hugs & love to you all.
Hi Small
I don’t think your husband sounds like a complete “”“”“”!. To be honest he sounds just like mine. I’m five years down the line but those days of managing on my own because my OH “couldn’t do the waiting” are still familiar. I can also identify with the “the cancer has gone” idea. It was,as a male friend pointed out, just his way of coping.
Now if I need a hug I ask and get one. If I need company at the hospital I say so and get it. But it has taken a great deal of tears and education to get this far. It is sometimes easy to forget that OH are struggling too and they don’t have the same support network we have.
I’m sure they cry too,we just don’t always see them.
Regards
Chinook
I just want to say a massive thank you. Not that I would describe my dear bubbie as a slow burner but after mulling over all he had read he wrote me a long email from work, and when he got home we had a good chat. Fingers crossed that we are now moving forward together and I think it would have taken an awful lot longer if he hadn’t read all the replies.
I think we are both feeling more positive regarding this journey, and when my chemo starts Monday he will be there holding my hand.
Thanks again
Ali
Hi
Fantastic news for you and your hubby Alix, well pleased for the both of you. Best wishes M
Ali
Very pleased that your OH is finally getting the message.
Good luck for Monday.
Anthi x
So very, very pleased for you, all the best and take care xx
That sounds really good, and I think he deserves credit for being able to write to you and say lets try and do this better- almost harder for the average bloke if he was a *insert mild rude word of your choice* before!
Well done to your OH - not only has he accepted that maybe his expectations were unrealistic, he’s told you that as well.
Keep talking - you are going to need each other throughout your journey!
Dx
What a relief for you to know you will be able to support each other through this. Well done both of you. Good luck. Forget the extension etc for now, just keep strong through your treatment. Good luck.
Horsie
I am certainly no angel and I won’t deny that I am less than perfect when things are tough and I have occasionally, but not intentionally, said the wrong thing at the wrong time because i have have accidentally slipped into ‘normal mode’ and bitten back after a snide comment, or been angry at my wife when I have felt low and i don’t seem to get the love and attention I want from her at the time. As a typical bloke I don’t always realise that she is in a mood or why (not excluding the tamoxifen mood swings).
I feel so guilty particularly when I get shirty and feel shortchanged/p***ed off that this is affecting my life (selfish i know)and it is preventing me (and us both) from enjoying life as a newly married couple. I am guilty of sometimes feeling unloved and alone when it appears that I am not getting the support from my wife in return for the support I endeavour to give to her (and there is not a mountain i wouldn’t move for her). Then I realise that it isn’t about me, it is about taking it on the chin and being the support for my lovely Mrs, after all how can I expect her to give me anything in return when she is dealing with such upheaval, the trauma of the last 12 months and post treatment blues.
We are both emotionally, mentally and physically pooped and it doesn’t take a great deal these days to blow things into a frenzy, but i try and focus on what i can do for the both of us and attempt to carry on ‘normal’ jogging (whatever that is), but I am certainly no saint (well not all the time;-).
Alix - I am so glad that your fella is coming round to the right way of thinking. I’ll make no bones about it, it is going to be tough for you both, but in different ways. I totally agree with one of the previous posts, that you can’t imagine what it is like for the person with BC unless you go through it yourself, but in the same light, you don’t know how tough it can be for the OH’s unless you have been the OH. Both situations are incredibly hard but just in different ways.
I wish everyone on here all the very best:-)
Rich
In the last 4 months I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and my partner has since been diagnosed with aggresive prostate cancer. I thought being the OH was going to be so easy as I know what it is like to be going through treatment for cancer.
I find getting it right at the right time really difficult, how I reacted and felt at different stages has been different to how my partner has felt and reacted and part of me has thought he has got it wrong and the reality of the situation is we are just different. We have worked out the hard way that we need to talk to each other and find out how we are feeling and sometimes this is difficult, well a lot of the time this is difficult, it is not easy to stop thinking about myself and worry about how someone else is feeling.
There has been lots of tears in our house but also lots of laughs over the past few months. I can now appreciate that it is not a walk in the park looking on and watching the process unravel for someone else that you love. I felt out of control going through the process of tests, diagnosis etc. but have felt even more out of control whilst my OH has been going through a very similar process.
Anne
I always forget to say something, we have made sure we have both gone along to appointments together - this was quite funny when my partner saw his oncologist - who is also my oncologist, the doc couldnt work out why he thought he recognised us but wasnt sure where from. I didnt expose my boobs and say do you recognise me now, I just thought about it and then we explained lol
On a serious note, we have found it really important to support each other at appointments.
Anne
Pleased to see he is realising he needs to support you more - the offer still stands if he wants to talk to an OH PM Me.
Paul.
I have been recalled to a clinic for more tests and am so scared, my Mum died of Breast and got it around the same age as me. I have two daughters and terrified for them too. I have tried to tell my partner about my fears and he hasn’t even given me a hug wHich would have meant the world. He wouldn’t even try to get today off work to come to the clinic with me, my girls are coming so it’s ok.
I’ve tried to explain that if the news is bad it will have a impact on him too and life will change. He has many interests etc that take him away from home and as I live in a different area from my family what will happen if I needed him to be around at times. He said I’m relishing all of this which I found appalling.