Bellatrix, I so agree with that last sentence! A friend of mines from London whom I have not seen since I moved away in 2003 wrote and sent cards to me all the time with all his funny news stories; he also sent chocs and other little gifts in the post just to cheer me up every few weeks. Sadly, he wrote to me just before Christmas to tell me his much loved cat had died and he is now very much on his own. He is coming up from London to visit other friends of his at the end of January and I cannot wait to hook up with him. He is a real gentleman and a very true and loyal friend. Another who has gone the distance with me is a former neighbour. She is a very devout Christian and wrote to me to ask for permission for her church to say prayers for me. I am not in the least bit religious, but I felt very humble and honoured that someone thought enough of me to want to do this.
You are all so right - a friend who I’ve only known via the school gate for about a year has been amazing. She came into hospital to wash my hair, helped me choose a wig, and constantly offers help with shopping and looking after the kids.
Another old friend of 25 years standing, whose bridesmaid I was, and we are godmothers to each others children has offered no practical help, visited twice in six months and sends me an occasional text saying ‘thinking of you’ . I know some people find it hard to deal with, but I am disappointed by the reaction of some. Another friend who I’ve known since I was five has visited once, and whenever we try to arrange a date to get together tells me she has to fit her visit around her two year old’s afternoon nap!
Other friends have offered to take days off work to take me to chemo, been unfailing in their support when I get tearful, and reassuring when I moan about my wig looking …like a wig!
My best friend in Canada has been fantastic - I had a holiday booked to see her in July, then two days before was diagnosed. She has seen me through the darkest times in the early days, and whenever I get down, kicks me up the bum, and reminds me to be positive. Just wish I could see her for a hug, instead of phone calls!
I am not going to expend any more energy being cross with those who I don’t think have been there for me - I am just so grateful that I have others who have been amazing.
Glad we’re all having similar experiences and it’s not just me!!!
Tracey xx
Hi Carrie
Well, I bumped into the “friend” who had not contacted me since July last night. And she was full of apologies and told me that she had been through depression and didn’t think it would be appropriate to contact me. Then it apparently got too late to do so as she’d left it too long.
It didn’t ring true. We have friends in common and no one had mentioned that she was depressed. Believe me, I would be most sympathetic as I know people who have gone through true depression.
Bah! I say. I know what this girl is to me now, a casual aquaintance, not a good friend, but as I said earlier, I’m fine with that. As long as I’m doing OK, I don’t need to be worrying about people like her!
Cecelia. x
Hi Girls, What a fantastic thread I don’t know whether to laugh or cry (defo laughed at the pish… ) love that word my husband is from Glasgow and uses it all the time.
I thought it must of been me, there has been two of my close friends that I thought would have come up trumps with my dx but havenot seen them for dust, just a few txts now and again, still I do believe they must think cancer is catching.
Still put all the so called friends behind you and treasure youre true friends.
Love to all of us with this terrible (non-catching) disease, all cancer babes together.
GillMc xxx
Hi everyone
It makes you wonder what is going on in some peoples minds!! (perhaps the press is to blame with there articles about the positve side of BC)
Since I have been diagnosed and treated I have really found out a lot about my friends/neighbours and relations.
My cousin asked me if I was going to run the race for life this year ( I can just about walk around the supermarket let alone run .Although I will be doing it next year
Friends: I am off work and would love more visitors now I am starting to feel better, but some seem to be dropping off since the chemo has finished ( I think they feel “well thats the treatment over” everything is rosy!!)
Neighbours: well mine seem to think its catching and seem to cross the road etc (as some of you other ladies have found so they dont have to talk) one of my neighbours before the op asked me if there was anything I needed done just to contact her, but since then she has had a bad cold and cant come round!! (6 months is a long time for a cold) and I’m not having chemo now.
Work colleagues: I work very close to a male colleague and he hasnt text, email and doesnt ask anyone how I am. At christmas I went out for a meal and he was there and he blanked me, in fact one of my colleagues have said the only comments he has made are “its as if she never worked here” and …(my boss) will soon get fed up with the amount of sick time I am having!!!
Its hard enough having BC and the nasty treatments but if you are a friend/colleague/relation please be patient with us, a simple text, email or phone call means so much and a visit (when we are feeling up to it) is great.
Oh well as the other ladies have said we must treasure our true friends and for the others they may need us one day!!
I think the way we respond to other people changes too. I’m early in this journey, have had mastectomy and recon but don’t start chemo for a couple of weeks. I have told only very few friends, all of whom have demanding jobs and very little spare time. I’ve seen only one of them, but partly that is because I’ve put barriers up myself. I don’t want people coming to visit, don’t want to be reminded what I’m missing. The biggest and most wonderful surprise is that my colleagues, all younger than I am, people I get on really well with at work but never see outside work, have been absolute stars, texting, ringing me, dropping in for 10 minutes on their way home, bringing wild bird food, and yesterday, two of them brought a van-load of hay for our ponies… their thoughfulness has blown me away and as my biggest dread after diagnosis was how to tell them at work, this has been one of my biggest sources of joy. I’m ashamed that I didn’t realise they would care. Lyn xx
I was diagnosed last july, have been invited to a large family wedding this may, but have been told not to go near one of my cousins as she “has a thing about cancer” what does that mean? i have had some hurtful comments from friends etc, even my local support group but try to think its there lack of understanding etc
Anna
I have posted this on behalf of new user Catherine.
Kind regards Sam
I was diagnosed with BC 3 weeks ago & am at home recovering from surgery & waiting for path lab results on Wednesday.I have been overwhelmed by cards, flowers, visitors & kindness from so many people, incuding my daughter’s young uni friends (gives you faith in ‘uncaring youth’!!).
However, one friend’s response to my ‘news’ was that it was God’s way of punishing me for not being more sympathetic to my husband when he had ‘Man Flu’ on our recent holiday! She said it would be interesting to see wheteher he was more caring to me than I’d been to him!
I was horrified. I’m not particularly Christian, but fancy suggesting that any God should decide you deserve cancer as a result of something youve done!
This same friend is awaiting IVF treatment. I will resist the nasty urge to suggest that she might have ‘deserved’ her infertility. I could not be so cruel.
Anyone else had the ‘deserve’ label stuck on them?
Catherine
Hello all, Yes I can identify with many of the comments on this thread. I have also been patronised as well which is very annoying (felt sorry for). How awful Catherine - no one ‘deserves’ bc and does not sound very ‘christian’ thing to say either. Some people like to ‘blame’ something for an illness like cancer as cannot handle its often random nature. Thinking of u wednesday. Getting results is the worst thing to me and waiting for them !!
Rachy x
I too dislike the ‘deserve’ label. I notice its often used of particularly jolly cheery perople as in: ‘She didn’t deserve to get cancer’ or ‘you don’t deserve to be having such a hard time’ or worst of all after someone has died: ‘she didn’t deserve to die’. I always want to know who then did deserve to get cancer and to suffer? Watch out for ‘deserve’…
Jane
So right ! IHaving cancer has made me very aware of terminology and the great impact it can have. Labelling is not a good thing. Everything has a terminology of its own or ‘newsspeak’. i am rapidly learning the bc one ! ‘deserve’.‘brave’.‘battle;’ etc and many more that i will learn no doubt. It is interesting though
Rachy
So right from here too. How many times has someone said to me …you poor thing, feel so sorry for you, or that they think I should be in bed, greying, sick looking and even that they might catch it??? I know it’s difficult for friends to stay positive, good friends are upset about it and perhaps just too scared to say the wrong thing - I just come out with it all now and to hell with it. I’ve just had to write to a very good friend (our best man in fact) to ask him to speak to my husband, as he’s suffering too and can’t do anything to help me and that makes it all the worse for our “other halves”. He deserves to have time to let off stream with another chap/or woman, but people seem to avoid him like the plague too.
Off to get another MRI on Thursday then the date for my surgery for Paget’s - oh well, what else would I be doing with my week???
I guess if I’m trying to be kind, none of us know the correct way to treat people who have BC until we enter this excusive club. Even then, you cant say that you know how a fellow ‘club-member’ feels because everyone’s experiences and symptoms & treatments will be unique to them.
However, what Ive learnt in the last 4 weeks, since being diagnosed is, Do not say the following:
I can imagine how you must feel!
Poor you, you dont deserve it.
I just know you’ll be alright.
Thank goodness theyve caught it in time.
I expect you wish you hadnt taken HRT now, dont you?
I guess its more common in women with big boobs. Thank goodness for my flat chest!
Ring any bells? Maybe we could compile a ‘What not to Say’ handout for the world out there!
catherine
To add to the above - Last November when the lump had been described as suspicious a ‘friend’ said:-
‘You are lucky you are small (34a) because if you have a mastectomy no-one will notice!’
At the time I thought ‘I’ll notice and my husband might’
I did have the mastectomy and yes I did notice and so did my husband!
Magsi
There’s a lot going on - not only in our own hugely various responses to diagnoses - but also in how other people respond to hearing about it. If it helps to feel pissed off or rejected by people we have regarded as close friends, who have distanced themselves on hearing the jolly tidings, then that’s the way to go. Enjoy the vengeful feelings. I dunno - my opinion is that these responses are not malicious.
I had a brief friendship with a foreign lass at the university where I was a mature student some years back and I asked her over for meals, Christmas etc. because her accommodation was cacky. To be honest, I got a bit tired - she was needy and not really my kind of person. She went back to her homeland for vacation & then I was away for a bit myself and I was relieved - and planned not to have much to do with her in the future. She wrote that she had been diagnosed with throat cancer that had advanced to the lymph nodes and she wouldn’t be coming back. I replied - a good long time later - wishing her well in just the way that people like us don’t take seriously.
Some of my own friends have done the same to me. Karma? My son’s godmother/mother of my goddaughter texts occasionally & wasn’t up for a hospital visit or pick-up; nor was my office-mate (though she calls and chats often, which I enjoy); my aged, lively parents won’t discuss it; long-distance friends who can’t possibly be called upon are great; new-made friends who haven’t the emotional commitment to a certain friendship dynamic are a source of strength as well.
On the whole, particularly if we are tough guys who have been a support - physical, emotional or merely as example - to those close to us, can you be surprised that they fall away when the dynamics are reversed? How could it be otherwise? My heart goes out to them and I sympathise: I would find it much scarier to be them than to be me. Being me is not scary at all.
Cheers to all, M-L
Oh Catherine, my elder daughter, 21, repeats numbers 2, 3 and 4 on your list almost daily. It helps her but I wish she wouldn’t, I snapped recently and asked her to stop coming out with these clichés that are meant to be encouraging. She was terribly hurt, I felt awful but can’t take it back, she’s now on eggshells around me but I prefer not hearing them just because she’s ‘big girl’ and feels she has to hold it together for everyone.
I’ve only told a few close friends, and nobody in the village. Next Mon I’m out with some local people, to a concert booked before I was dx. One cut off from me a few years ago over an issue with somebody else, she seems to have ‘forgiven’ me now the other person has moved, but I’m still angry. However she is a Macmillan nurse, and I hate to think she’ll now try to resurrect a friendship that as far as I’m concerned can’t recover from the damage done back when she’d have had me hung. I won’t miss the concert but dread probing questions from people who know I’m off work, and want to know why! Lyn xx
Well, I’ve just sent an email to some friends (who don’t ask questions and can’t talk to me about anything - but send flowers whenever the yhear I am back in for something etc) and said that I’ve got the next round coming up soon and that hubby is taking it badly - he can do nothing to help etc. and wished that he had some mates close at hand when these times happen upon us - all too frequently for me these last 4 years. But we did move here and know that we’d be leaving all our mates, WELL what would you know, they have booked a flight on Sat to come over, spend the night and Sun morning with us and then go back (to London, we live Nr Toulouse). I am so gob-smacked I can’t tell you - this is too exciting and to cap it all, I’ve not told hubby and this is his best mate (our best man- see my comment above!) so it’s gonna be one hellofa surprise.
Will let you know.
Palomino/Lyn & others,
Thanks for empathising. I agree that we have to just hear the well-meaning comments & not retaliate lest we push people away. I especially related to you, Lyn, with your daughter now walking on eggshells.My daughter is 26 & apart from the initial shock, when she sobbed like a little girl, has been very positive & chirpy. Sometimes it rubs me the wrong way, but I will try not to snap since I read your egg shell bit.
i guess, whatever people are doing theyre doing the best they know how…or else theyre too damn scared to know what to do or say, so they run a mile.
Either way, I’d rather have a couple of good friends who try their best than scores who say very little.
Catherine xx
I think how I’d like to handle one “friend” is with both hands around her throat.
She texted, as she usually does because it’s less effort than phoning or visiting, and I replied that I was in quite a bit of pain from what I hoped was sciatica and nothing more and that I was seeing the doc on Tuesday. What I got back was that she’d ring on Monday or perhaps before. (It’s only Thursday!)
Before diagnosis, I considered her one of my very closest friends.No more.
My really good friends have listened, phoned and obviously shown real concern as they know I’m really worried.I’m fed up of making excuses for this woman. She is shallow and selfish; I’ve decided that she’s a proto Great Aunt Ada Doom,and she doesn’t want to see anything nasty in the woodshed or elsewhere!
I’m going to be “out” on Monday and will avoid her completely from now on as she only annoys and upsets me.
Ok. Rant over.
“I know you will be alright” How do they know? This comment really winds me up. Dont get me wrong I am feeling posative but some people dont think about what they are saying.
I dont think they mean any harm but unless you are on this journey I dont think you understand!! I didnt!!! and I suppose we got to remeber that girls
Hugs xx