I am feeling so low at present and I know the cause, and I know the solution but I just can’t make the final leap.
I NEED to live alone. I need to be away from my OH who is behaving so badly towards me, our relationship is damaging, and I am so affraid that the stress from this will make my BC return.
He is just so selfish and a nightmare to live with. He drinks heavy, has mood swings and is barely here. When he is he is often asleep.
I have to think before I speak, considering exactly how I phrase even matter of fact comments, he is so touchy, it’s like treading on glass.
That’s no way to live is it? But the alternative is pretty scary too. Not the living alone, but the financial problems at least initially until we sold our house and split the proceeds. One of us would have to rent, and we have no spare cash.
I don’t know what anyone on here can do or suggest, but needed to off load a bit as have this big knot in my stomach and know I wont’ sleep tonight.
I told him, not for the first time, that I wanted him to leave. He said he won’t, see, selfish. He obviously can’t stand me, he hasn’t touched me for weeks (imagine how that helps my self esteem). We live nr my work and it makes sense for him to move nearer his but he wont even consider it.
I am very close to going myself but just can’t afford it.
Irene, I am so sorry to read of your situation, we have both been on this website a long time, and I have followed lots of your posts. could you perhaps get in touch with Macmillan and see if they may be able to offer you some financial help if you decide to moev out. I can understand how stressful it would be for you, start looking at your options. I had lots of OH problems on diagnosis, and I cant forgive him for what he did at the time, but I have learned to live a seperate lifestyle and enjoy myself .
Thinking of you, and praying you find a solution son
Irene -
I’m so sorry to learn that things are not going well for you and OH. At this point, there is so much to consider. Health insurance, rent, food, car insurance, cars, all the day-to-day things that we do without thinking. How would you survive all that? It might be best for your psychologically to move out since it is so hurtful to you {{{{{{{Irene}}}}}}}}} but it might do to think through exactly how you would cope otherwise. It could be a tradeoff. It is not the best solution, but can you stay in separate parts of the house? Do you think you could work it like Marge in leading a separate lifestyle, apart from his, until you are financially ready to move out?
I know from your posts that this has been developing, yet, don’t hurt yourself and jump from one situation to another.
Hi Irene - I know exactly how you feel. I left my OH 14 months prior to diagnosis and then he said he wanted to look after me. Which he did but going back to the old ways. Trouble with the kids and I just wonder what the hell am I doing here when you hear people say in our situation live for day. But how can you. I loved being on my own but there is no way I could do it financially. I run up a lot of debts when I was on my own and still have them. I am taking each day as it comes but wouldn’t leave again. I think we would have to sell up and move on.
I wish I could live like I would wish but not allowed. Bit depressed tonight - a lot of aggro these last few weeks and feel is there any use in carrying on xxx
Thanks you for your responses. Emily Jane, I’ve been trading off as you put it for nearly 2 years and it seems it’s always me that has to change. He carries on the same, and I have to ‘plan’ how to approach him about absolutly anything. The exception to this is when his brother visits, he is usually happy then but that is not very often as they don’t live local. And this has added to my assumption that I can’t make him happy anyway so why is he still here.
I think our lack of a reasonable sex life doesn’t help and that is purely down to me I know that. But I have absolutely no sex drive and severe menopausal symptons, dryness etc, plus no boob so hate how I look.
I just feel he should be more understanding about this as I really can’t help it. I didn’t plan to get BC, loose my looks and have no sex drive. Plus, even if none of these things had happened, I would not fancy him now anyway as he is so horrible most of the time, how can anyone fancy a person like him?
Our house is tiny, we don’t even have a spare room as such as it is used as an office with a pull down bed and all the furniture needs moving around to pull that out. So living in the same house but independently wont work. (His Mum and Dad did that for years and when I saw are marriage going the same way as theirs I always said I would NEVER do that). Mind you, what choice have I got?
It makes me so sad to think that it is only him that makes me feel like this. I even thought I had beaten BC, as recently my ‘head’ has been good and physically better, but he makes me need to have a drink or two, and I had more or less given up alcohol, now I am turning to it again to ease the stress.
Sorry I am rambling now. Need to make some calls and get this sorted.
Please don’t blame yourself for the lack of a sex life,as you say how could anyone want to be intimate with someone who treats them badly.That puts the blame at his door not yours!
If its financial worries that are the biggest hurdle to leaving/splitting up ,try looking at the moneysavingexpert forums ,they are full on information about finances and benefits etc.
You need to put yourself first,you deserve better!
Hugs,
Dot
xxx
Thanks Dot, I’m sure you’re right! Did have a look at the money savers site and will look again later. Not sure how much internet access I will have in my new place as money will be very tight to begin with, but hope to be able to come on here occasionally, it’s been such a good help.
hi irene ,just wanted to send you hugs and glad you have found yourself aplace to stay, living in a war zone is never good for your health .my own ex was really awful to me when i was diognosed and decided that he hadnt banked on marrying someone who may die!! (it was his 3rd marraige )and a late 2nd one for me .so i got myself and my daughter a flat to stay in and ive never looked back .he decided when all the treatment was finished that he wanted to help me ,you can imagine what my reply was to that !!!(cant put it on here )!!! although things havnt been easy ,we are still here and enjoying our life without the hastle of arguements etc .wish you good luck in your future ,ps the library give free internet access to all ,maybe an option till you get up and started . much love lynn xx
Irene I am so pleased you have found a flat, the peace of mind will be great for you, it may be a struggle girl, but I am sure you wont regret it. I wish you all the best and will say a prayer for you. I will look out for post’s to see how you are getting along.
Sorry to hear that you are going to such a rough time. Hopefully things will be better when you move into your flat and I hope it will be a haven for you.
It isn’t a case of strong. Everything came together at the right time. I had viewed the flat months ago but the person who had it ended up staying longer. I phoned on the off chance and he had just left! Spooky. I really like the owner, she’s been through similar herself and is a really good person.
I have lots of good friends and family, but the flat is in a large house where I am welcome on a communial basis too if I want to watch tv, chat or eat with the others. It’s a bit like a half way house and just what I need because I won’t be totally alone.
Just need to tell OH. He’s been at work all day and at our dauhters for the night so you all know before him.
Irene,
good on you .Its enough having to cope with BC butto have to put up with all that sh.t too is dreadful. I admire you love for having the strength to move on with your life.I am not in your situation but who knows could be at some time. OH is coping at the moment but is finding it difficult. Ihope this is a new start for you and i wish you all the best in your future darling .Be happy and healthy . Big hugs wendyxxxx
I am just thinking: When you tell your husband, is it possible to have a friend there with you? Will you give him the adress of your new place?
If you have a car, is it packed so you are ready to go?
If you are not moving out tonight, will you tell him right away or wait until the flat is actually yours to stay in?
You probably gather that I am worried about your husbands reaction when you tell him. As I don’t know you or your husband at all, I might be dead wrong and I apologise from the bottom of my heart if I offend you in any by way writing this.
I just know, having seen quite a few marriages break up, that some spouses can be quite unpredictable when they feel that they have lost control and I urge you to consider the best way for you to inform your husband about your decision.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Please try to find a way to tell us how you are getting on.
Irene
Well done girl!!! I hope all goes well for you, in the immediate future, and long term. You will have given other folk in this situation some encouragement…there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
Wendy you sound soooo lovely! and thanks to to cavabien for your concerns.
I feel quite safe telling OH. I can have the flat anytime from now so can just leave, but need to sort quite a few things out first and in work tue, wed for 2 full on days. I may wait until thurs to tell him then just go.
I am slightly concerned for him. Yes I know, I’m soft, but he is a very deep thinker and suffers depression at times. I hope he can cope. If nothing else it will make him realise just how much he depends on me.
They will have wireless at my new place soon and so can use my work laptop and keep intouch. I am now beginning to feel quite excited about my future, that can’t be a bad thing.