husband has left me
husband has left me dont quite know where to start, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. My husband of 9 years has just told me he is not in love with me any more he loves me but the spark has gone. We have been through so much together we have 3 young children see profile, we have had our rows like everyone, I lost my sex drive and the cuddling is not the same with everything I have been through. We have a successful business which has grown very quickly and I know he has a lot of pressure with that but this has come out of the blue. One minute he is texting me the weekend before ( as I was away) all weekend telling me he was missing me and what was I up to etc to this. He is moving out today, but we went to a fottball presentation yesterday he was with me all the time never left my side, calling me sweeetheart very attentive doing what comes naturally, what went wrong? How can someone be so attentive one minute and saying the spark has gone the next, he was only trying to get me into bed 3 days ago, in a very loving way.
Feel so sad that he wont fight for us, he says he is too tired both emotionally and pysically. There is no one else involved and he wont go and talk to anyone.
karen
Hi Karen
sorry to hear your news, its so sad , i dont suppose we realise what our husbands go through emotionally as they always feel they have to be the strong one ! and i suppose after a while it does take its toll on them emotionally if they dont let their feelings out, dont give up ! try and get him to talk to you , i really hope you can mend it
take care
love galen
Counselling? Hi Karen,
I’m so sorry to hear of your news. I guess none of us can get inside our partners minds and if they won’t open up then sadly things can tend to escalate. I was wondering wether you may be able to persuade him to seek some form of counselling? Either for both you or individually. I know you say he won’t go and talk to anyone but what if he called a helpline like the one this site offers?
Also, we have a centre at my local hospital which is specifically for people with cancer and other serious illnesses and their families. Its a lovely place and really informal. They offer all sorts of support for partners and I’m sure you would prob have acccess to a similar centre where you live. (Apologies if you’ve been down this road already).
He seems to be sending you mixed messages and this must be very confusing for you. I really hope that today does not mark the beginning of the end of your relationship. You have been through so much together and I am praying that you will be able to get him to open up and convince him to get some help.
Take care and let us know how you get on. Sending you a big virtual hug,
Kelly
-x-
karen karen i am sorry to hear what a dreadful time you are having. i just posted a text about my relationship earlier.
These guys really do seem to struggle with the emotion. i read you profile and it seemed that your chap was very supportive after surgery.
Is there anyone who will look after your 3 children so you can go ou and try to talk or even look after while you chat at home over a glass of wine. He must see that there is a whole little family who needs you to be together.
Is everything ok wth the business…having been there in that position myself, i know how much pressure that can bring. Ar there issues that he feels he doesnt want to burden you with relating to work?? My husband would tery everything to protect me from things if they were going bad at work because it was our only income…just an idea.
Where will he go? He may just need some time and sadly you may have to give that to him, it may actually shock him enough if you let him go. If it appears that no one else is involved, the time to think might do the trick.
The relationship is a mutual thing you both need to be getting things out of it. If you are not having cuddles or sex whatever and he cant see that this is a problem for you then, that is a real shame.
I hope that it sorts itself out. I think it will, be strong. You have been through so much already, you dont think you will cope but you will find the strength to.
Be proud of who you are, what a lovely family you have.
Take care
Becks
Big Hug I walked out on my man just after my bi-lateral because he was coping so badly and I just didn’t have the energy to deal with him, the treatment and our toddler.
I don’t want to go into details but the bottom line is that at the beginning of the journey he was very supportive, at the end he was a huge drain.
Anyway, i know our situations are different however my man and I are now back together and incrediably happy. It took a while but once he opened up and let his fears spill out, we were able to put things back in place.
You are not alone, I have spoken to so many women who have had problems with their relationships whilst trying just to function with cancer treatment. Its a long journey, for everyone involved.
The problem is that men do not use support networks the way that women do, they don’t talk, if they do it’s normally to us and we can’t be there for them because we are in ‘survival’ mode.
Give him some space, be nice to yourself and see what the future holds. This may be hugely positive in the long run.
All the best
Mrs S xxxx
thank you for your oh so kind words. I have been told today by a friend that he says i was not happy and i just loved him for the husband thing not him as a person and that i will meet someone else very soon as i am beautiful. He also said to another that he was hard to live with very grumpy and deserved to live on his own. I just want to put my arms round him but he a very stubbon man and i have not seen much emotion. He seems hung up on the idea that i will find someone else. He wont talk to anyone he doesnt think he needs to, he is going to rent somewhere round the corner so our children can access him easy. But if very strange when he still making me a cup of tea and coming into the room to sit with me. etc. We did split up 4 years ago he had a bit of a fling and admitted it and lived to regret it. He seems to think that there is no way back this time, but i disagree we have been through so much, and i love him so much he has been so good. His business is going great just very stressful I do all the accounts, it has just go big very quick.
He is looking at his friends saying he not good etc just seems to want
to change so much. He says he loves me but not in love with me, but i find that hard to belive when two weeks ago he was saying i was his best friend and he loved me so much, yes there have been hard times and i have said at some point i wasnt happy but not to the extent that i would have ended my marriage just words to shock him after ab argument.
Gosh how my heart aches but i love him enough to let him go and find whatever it is he is looking for and just hope he knows what he is giving up. I do struggle with the affection bit having had problems as a child he feels he cannt fight for me any more.
karen
For karencats Hi Karen
I’m sorry to hear of your problems at the moment. BCC have two publications regarding emotional issues surrounding breast cancer and how it can affect partners which may be of help to you. You can either download these or order copies on line. The link to the publications is as follows:
bhttp://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/content.php?page_id=668
bhttp:www.breastcancercare.org.uk/content.php?page_id=3067
You may also find it helpful to contact BCC’s helpline where our Peer Support service may also be useful to you. The helpline staff will be able to advise you. The helpline number is freefone 0808 800 6000, the lines open Monday - Friday 9am -5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
I hope this is of some help to you.
Kind regards
BCC Host
Hi karen
Hope things are going ok, whats happening at moment?
LOL
becks
hi karen
sorry to hear about the heartache you are going through…I really hope you both manage to work thngs out,
We’re all here for you.
take care
love
karen
Hi
Well just to update you, he has packed his stuff and gone to stay with a friend until he gets somewhere to rent he looking at an apartment round the corner so my children can walk to his. He comes sometimes is arsey other times just seems very empy and sad. I went out saturday night he stayed and I stayed at my sisters. He just looked numb, his work friends say he seems okay at work but then that is him, fine to the outside world. Our closest friend met him the day he moved out and he just sat on their living room floor sobbing like a baby saying he just wants to feel happy. He is selling both of our cars ( as they worth a lot of money) but doesnt seem to be hurrying think he wants me to sort it all out, but that one of the things he supposdily hates (I control everything). I just dont know what to say i am hoping he just goes and finds that the life he thinks will make him happy will do just the opposite, we have been through so much together, I love him with all my heart but think I need to let him find his own way with or without me. He admits he not slept for weeks had bad tum for ages but what can you do, he doesnt think he loves me any more, but I just dont buy it, he was too nice and loving before we had the barny.
On a lighter note got chatted up saturday night by a goy seemed really nice my sister gave him my number he keeps texting me not put off by my three children he got one himself he 34. I told him not interested he just keeps texting saying he been through it let him take me out for drink just so I can off load it might make me feel better no strings etc
It has restore my faith in the human race I suppose.
karen
HiKaren
Boy do I know how you feel. My ex husband dumped me three days after dx saying he could not cope, how the hell he thought I could I do not know. We were living in Norwich at the time, felt so lonely my friends and family were in the midlands. Ended up moving to a flat near my family, I hated it there had to go through the op on my own and also treatment, he never came to visit me in Hospital and I did not see or hear from him in 3months. I do feel for you because I like you still love him to bits, no I should hate him, but just cannot. Just lately he has come back into my life, and when he comes round we end up in bed together. Wrong I know, but he is like a drug to me and for a few hours I feel wanted and loved again…for the wrong reasons. By doing this I cannot move on, and Ithink he knows that, its a case of he does not want me but he does not want anyone else to have me. I have now moved in to a new home, and have started a new job after one year being out of work. I have good days and bad days, but am still here. I have met someone else but just has friends I cannot offer any more at the moment. Go out with that guy, explain your situation and see how it goes…
Hugs for you I Know you need it. I also give myself a mirror hug (someone on this site told me about it) you just stand in front of the mirror and hug yourself and tell yourself how wonderful you are, it really works…
Take care and keep in touch
Elainexxxxx
Hi Karen
I doubt that many couples are still ‘in love’ after 9 years of marriage. This is something people often say when they are not sure what name to give to their emotions.
I suspect, reading between the lines, that your husband is having difficulty with his changed role since your diagnosis and is doing what a lot of men do - running away to try to get some ‘alone time’ and try to figure it all out.
It doesn’t sound from what you have said that your relationship is over and it sounds to me that your husband loves you very much.
Mrs Salmon speaks a great deal of sense. I suspect that if you give him a little space he will be ready to talk soon.
Good luck.
Love
Lola x
thank you for your kind words, it so hurts this morning I am wanting everyday to get better but it seems to be getting worse at the moment. Just getting up in a morning is so hard as I feel so tired with 3 very young children. I know I need to give him space but that hard when you just want to hug them. He told a friend he will always care for me and look out for me as I am the mother of his children but he has felt like this for a while. THINK i find that hard as he was so attentive, loving (apart from the odd spat) he only told me three weeks before he loved me very much and i was his best friend. I know i need to pull myself together my life far to precious to spend it moping, i keep telling myself it his loss but that hard.
thanks for listenting to me so to speak.
karen
Dear Karen,
First of all, don’t reply to the texts and if they become bothersome change your phone. It’s flattering to be fancied but you’re a married woman and need to sort out your marriage without additional complications.
It sounds as though your husband is very down at the moment. BC is a great strain not only on us but on our nearest and dearest who often have to put their own needs second. If your husband is depressed he’s going to need help and it may take quite a time before he gets better and he’ll need your support. Can you get to speak to him? Can you ask friends to speak to him?
Best wishes,
Sue
He doesnt want to talk says there is nothing to say. My best friend sees him and she says he listens but does not hear if that makes sense. All he says is that she doesnt have to live here. It makes me feel awful and that this is all my fault i really am not that bad but he is always so tired that i think things just seem a whole lot worse. He just doesnt want to talk he says too tired to fight any more. He dosent think he is depressed and puts on a show for those who work for him. He just says he wants to feel happy. Am i being silly by thinking there is a chance for us after the way he acted before he went, was loving etc still trying to get me into bed do you do that if you are not in love with someone? I know I have to be strong for my children and maybe the best way is to be happy when i see him so he can see the old me I dont know any advice is very welcome. I suppose I am used to bein in control and this is one situatiom I can’t. but he keeps saying he will sort out selling the cars and the rental property we own, but just makes enquiries then the estate is going on holiday and he will contact him sometime next week dont no way someone else in the office cant deal with it. Everything just seemed to be on the up for us I have gone through reconstruction which has taken 18 months as it went wrong the first. So I have had 3 big ops over that time. I just started to get some engery back and this. He has been so supportive over all this time both mentally and pysically still wanting sex etc only I pushed him away.
karen