husbands and family

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1

hya girlies

i was diagnosed in july 07 and am undergoing chemo till march then rads, am totally excausted,can anyone out there relate to me, i feel at the end of my tether ,my hubby ill with authritis so i have been his main carer, all i hear all day is how bad he feels and my children let everything go over their head, i have been told to rest as they wouldn’t give me my treatment yesterday 22 Jan, but there is no chance on earth i can do this, because i have not had one day in bed since starting this treatment 7 months ago, i have always got up, even if i am in my pjs,but the housework gets left til i get my two weeks off treatment, as no one will do it unless i cause a big fuss then i end up crying out of sheer frustation,and its driving me insane, are all of your men and children like this or have i got a one off, i feel like they think i 'm not ill, i have always run the house,garden decorating etc, so now i think why don’t they do something for me ahhhhh! my sisters and brothers are the same thy phone to see how i am but thats about it, to be invited up for dinner would be nice but they musn;t think like me cause i never get asked, really sorry to drag on with this but i would really like to know if anyone in the same position,

love and hugs
tillie

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Hi tillie

So sorry to hear you are not getting the support you need, and deserve. Thank goodness you found this site so you can vent - it is very therapeutic to do that …wish I was there to help out physically.

My situation is quite different to yours - no kids, but a 79 yrs old disabled husband, who never cooked anything other than beans on toast till I got bc. I was put on a vitamin/nutrient drink prescribed by the Onc, as I also have Crohn’s and any kind of solid food, even mashed potatoes, gave me instant diarrhea.For 4 months I sat in a chair sipping this disgusting stuff,. Lo and behold…my husband had to learn to cook if he didn’t want beans on toast every day and he has been brilliant - can cook a duck, roast beef, makes a sublime spag bolog, home made bread and pizzas and rissottos now. Necessity really does focus these guys - and your kids should be ashamed of themselves if they are of an age when they are able to use the kitchen. I used to cook the main evening meal for our family of 5 (elder sister useless in the kitchen) when I was 13 yrs old as my mother worked full time.

I think you should teach your husband and kids a lesson - take to your bed and let them fend for themselves. They will not go hungry, and the housework can wait until you are strong enough to deal with it. You really need to take care of yourself for once… you have a life threatening illness and are undergoing serious treatment - don’t they understand?, or don’t care to? Whatever it is, you need to take the situation into your own hands and refuse to be a dogsbody to them when you are so ill. Let’s face the worst scenario, if your illness is terminal, hopefully not, they will have to cope then, so why can’t they help you now? As for your siblings, my comments would be unprintable.

Let’s hope someone else with a lifestyle similar to yours comes along and lets you know how they coped…and gives you some better advice than I can.

Take care - and be assertive!!!
Liz.

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lizziecee

thankyou so much for responding to me, i hope you are well and your hubby,i am 48 and was shocked to dicover having bc which was grade three agressive but only had to have a lumpectomy, i always have had cysts so presumed that what i had, mamgram didnt show it up either,only the scan, i know now although like i said i a bit in denial, that this is a serious disease to have , but family and hubby just dont seem to undeerstand, they said well tell us what to do then , so i did put a note on fridge but has anyone looked at it no ahhhhh!! just a few mins ago i said to him indoors that i feel a bit sh++t and his reply was well so do i, and when i said but i do have cancer his reply was no you havn’t it your treatment making you ill,!!! i really feel like i banging my head on a brick wall soooo frustrated,asked my daughter could she do the ironing , her reply was cnt mum got somwhere to go today, i love my children and they all have left home, but i do so much for them and am always here to help them so i think to myself where is their heaad atthis time,

love n hugs
tillie

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Dear Tillie

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time and wondered if you have heard about Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service?

The telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding. For more information about this and other support available to you to help you through this difficult time telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000or email:

info@breastcancercare.org.uk.

Best wishes
Lucy

5

Hi Tillie,

I do feel for you…and i am sorry to hear the suport you are getting is so poor.

Reading the thread you sound like a very stong lady but family just ann’t helping. Have you thought of just going on strike! and put yourself first. Just remember you need to look after yourself. Thats I keep telling myself. I feel low and depressed about the whole situation but fortunately I do have a great extended family and the support is there.

Keep your chin up hon… Also try speaking to your local cancer support group to see if they can offer you any help?

Take care
(((HUGS))) sukes

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Hi Tillie,husbands and kids eh,love em to bits but my oh my dont they just make our blood boil.They just seem to think we are superwomen,but after a diagnosis of cancer,how things change for us ,its getting them to change thats the hard bit…you matter greatly ,so I would down tools a while…let the stuff pile up and if they desperatly need something well let them do it…it will be hard but if you do it they will let you…believe me I know how hard it is ,we,ve always done it so they expect it unconciously but hey …put yourself first …and you have a day in bed…promise me now… and invite your extended family round,for a cup of tea (dont dare cook) ,if the place is a bombsite,so what …perhaps they will offer to help by cooking you a meal and getting the ironing board out.etc etc,…you may be surprised that by downing tools,how others will start to help out ,best of luck …you can do it…now put your feet up…its your turn to be looked after …D…xx

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thanks girls i am trying but it is soooo frustating i have freind down the road and she has given me a big lecture today about the way things are, she has not known me very long but she has seen the way things are in my house, but i am staying in bed tomoz if it kills me and i am not gettin up till sunday, i have told him indoors i want feeding 3 times tomoz lets see if this works,lol!!! if i didnt laugh i would cry, you all must have so suportive spouses you very lucky,i was thinking of booking myself into hotel for three nights but hey would that shake em up… dont think so lol!!! i suppose i done it to myself taking on the whole house thing, but i know i have to keep going or i never get through this, maybe i my own worst enemy, trying to give them over the years a life i never had, and so made a rod for my own back!! but never mind this wont last forever will it, and a freind has invited me to france when i am well, and you no what she never invited him indoors, and another thing i’m bl+++dy gonna go… take good care alll f you and keep in touch …pleasexx

love ‘n’ rainbows

tilliexxxx

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Hi Tillie xx

Good on you girl, strike is the only way to get the message across to them I would say. You are the most important person right now in your family and they should all realise that. France with your pal, yes you must do that if you can and also if it needs for you to book into a hotel for a few days then you should go for it. They will learn over 3 days that they must fend for themselves, could be a good shock tactic to use.

I am 47 and have always been there for my family and pals over the years and now where are they?!?!?!? I must quickly add that my man,my best mate and my parents have been amazing to say the least. My parents are in their 70’s with health problems of their own, Dad quite seriously so with his heart and Mum with various ailments but they help by phoning me visiting me and taking me to appointments for therapies as much as they can. Best pal has done all she can from cleaning the loos to going with me to appointments when my lovely man could not. My man is so understanding and is run ragged with work and helping with the housework. My son 22 now in his own flat phones and visits as much as a 22 year old young man can!!

I am so sorry to hear that you don’t seem to have anybody who is prepared to look after you. I do hope that this new friend down the road is able to help you and possibly to say something to your family. If you are like me it makes you wonder if your family love you but please be reassured that they do. They most likely do not understand how shattering it is to be living with this awful thing. You do not say what your dx was, I see you are having chemo then rads so next time your hubby says you dont have cancer you should ask him when he got his doctorate as people do not get chemo for just the flu or whatever!!! I wish you well Tillie, do you have any booklets to leave around the house perhaps that might open their eyes? Must say I did give my sis one directly and asked her to pass it on to my other siblings but it did nothing dont even know if she read it but it is worth a try.

On the down side for me and so you can see how I empathise with you is that my daughters 13 and 15 have gone to live with their Dad and I have hardly seen them since October they hardly phone and rarely answer when I phone, that is the hardest one for me my lovely daughters, I really miss them. Then there are my brother and 4 sisters, youngest sis was nothing short of venemous towards me when I was dx, she eventually started being a bit nicer to me when another sis spoke to her but it was all about how upset she was really. Then in hospital she came in to see me and she has phoned me twice since I got home on 7 December. On one occasion she actually asked how I was rather than moaning about her own life and when I told her I was really low, feeling isolated and lonely she said well come and see me then. Hmmmm would if I could I told her and have not heard from her since. I live at the top of a hill so cant walk to the bus stop as it has been icy here and am still unable to drive. My other local sister has only called once. Another sister lives about 45 miles away so not so easy for her to visit but she could phone me and my sis in England again why wont she call me? My bro has phoned twices and visited twice but have not heard from him now since before Christmas.

My pal/next door neighbour left it 3 weeks after I got home then got in touch by text which I replied to she then came in and helped with a couple of things which was really good of her then a few days after that she took me for food shopping then it was her birthday which of course I gave here a pressie and card and since then it has been another almost 3 weeks till she got in touch by text yet again - really feel she only got in touch to be sure of getting a pressie on her birthday so I am kinda just leaving that alleged friendship as it is - nowhere !! .

I do have a couple of my pals who phone me and see me when they can. I do appreciate that we all have busy lives but really a 5 minute call once a week from my siblings is not asking too much is it!!! Arrrrggggghhhhh that was me having a wee scream. It has changed my way of thinking as I was always the one to jump to the rescue and would always call round and help out and phone regularly too, often a few times a week when my family or pals have been going thru the mill tho none of them has had cancer. I will be reluctant to do so in the future with the exception of a serious illness (god forbid I would not wish that on anyone). I am sad about how I feel about that it really upsets me that this damned thing has not only scared the hell out of me, changed my body, prompted me to close down my business but it has changed my personality too so I feel like my identity has been taken away from me. I really wonder how family and friends think it is ok to just ignore you and this illness and its effects. I am told by counsellor that maybe they cant deal with it and yes there is that element but I am now 8 weeks post op with thankfully clear margins and no further treatment needed as I had DCIS with micro invasion but, I have and continue to be going thru the mill emotionally and physically and mentally. I had reconstruction immediately lat dorsi and have suffered nerve pain since then which aint too nice, improving slowly but the more I do the more my back swells up with fluid and I have tried swimming, walking and driving but all made me worse so still not too mobile. The sun is shining today so I hope that soon I will be fit enough to walk down the hill to the bus and go do something.

Tillie Please enjoy some time out and stick to your guns, wishing you loads of luck.

Take care, luvnhugsCarolexxx

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thanks carol for the thread,

my prognosis is i suppose quite good they said i have 87% whatever that means, but have to stay cancer clear for ten years then i will live till i 70, dont really understand it but go along with what ever they say,had a lumectomy but they refused to take my breast away cause onc said that be no benefit to me cause as it was grade 3 agressive it could have already gone somwhere else as it was the type of cancer that is not confined to the breast. he also said if i would not have found it in july07 i would not have been here for christmas, mad aint it,

it sh+t isn’t it but as i was telling my freind today maybe siblings and family and him indoors maybe cant hack it that i have bc but surley they could put their own feelings aside for once to be there for us, it beggers beleif that they cant, like you they phone now and agin but only to say if you need us just ask, when they no quite well i would never ask as i think if they cant come and do things for me off their own back because they want to then they obviously dont want to,AHHHHH!! the mad thing is i would be with them as often as everyday and doing all i could for them, hey but that me ,wipe your feet on me before you leave in other ways a doormat,

you certainly find who your true freinds are when you have bc, and its not the ones you thought would be there for you, i know that not everyone thinks the way we do but surely when you have bc they should rally round and give us help when we need it, i aint asking for the world jus abit of tlc,to be honest i have sent hm indoors to the back bedroom and i really dont want him back in our bed till june when i finished my treatment, i suppose i resent him because of the way he is, i know that not right but i cant help it,

today the freind down the road asked me to go for dinner so i never said anything to him or my daughter untill i got dressed and was going out the door, they were not to pleased, infact my daughter said " dont you take my freind from me mum, my reply was she my freind too, then she asked could she tag along ,guess what i said no, anyway had a lovly time chatted for ages, but when i got home him indoors was so mad he made me cry, but in reality he has never offered to take me out for lunch in the past 7 months, any time we are out together it is always me that sugests stopping for somhting to eat, sorry for going on but it gets me so mad,Ahhhhhhhhh!! any way hope you well, and sening you lots of hugs and sunshine

lv tillie

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they have had it cushy for a long time so they won’t give up without a fight. I live on my own and if I don’t feel like it I just buy myself a pizza and a bag of salad for tea, twenty mins later I have a meal. Try doing that for yourself and let them go hang. you aren’t a skivvy. Guess why I don’t live with anyone

I have a home of my own fully paid for, I bought myself a year old car today and over chrissie got a new 37 inch TV, a vacuum cleaner and some new bedroom furniture. all because three years ago I decided it’s my life now and I can be as selfish as I like. Don’t get guilty, I don’t

Mole

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Hi Tillie

Like Mole says above, they had it easy for so long they will buck back which is just showing how damned selfish they are. You dont deserve to be treated like a slave and to top it all I know it really hurts so much thinking that they dont give a damn about you. Please dont feel guilty for doing your own thing and do try to let the hurt go over your head and carry on the way you have started.

I feel like you in that I will not ask for help and expected them to just help out or at least phone me and that has hurt like hell that they have not. I do have a choice now and that is to continue to feel hurt by them all and feel depressed about it or to put it out of my mind and stop feeling hurt and realise that I dont need people like that in my life hurting me even if they are family. Like they say you can choose your friends but not your family. I plan now to just not phone or visit them and see how long it goes on for. Eventually there will be a family get together or just bump into them somewhere and if they ask why I have not been in touch then I will just tell them why and let them deal with it. Also like you I have always been there for them so when they next need me and ask me why I dont call or go and help I like I always used to then I will remind them of this time when they were not there for me.

I like Mole am going to be putting me first now and you should do the same. It is not us being selfish, rather self protective is the way I look at it but it has taken me weeks to come to that way of looking at it and I feel sad and angry at the cancer for changing me in this way. But the way I see it is if I dont contact them, then they cant hurt me any more,so now I dont expect anything from them so cant be disappointed when they predictably let me down. I am struggling with this tho but am determined to change the way I feel about it.

Good on you Mole, you sound very comfortable in your own skin, well done and good luck in all things in life.

Tillie, quite right to go do your own thing going for lunch with your friend, that is exactly the sort of thing that does help so keep doing it. Remember above all tho that your family do love you they just have a b

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oops
they just have a b***** strange way of showing it!!!

luvnhugsCarolexxx

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hya girls
thanks for the support, i did go for lunch with my freind and had a loveley time till i got home an him indoors had a go because he was left on his own AAAhhhhhh! he had me in tears the mad thing is he tells me he loves me and cryes when he tells me this but he is the only one who reduses me to tears, he then made me a coffee and some dinner and to be honest only for getting into another row i could have thrown it at him, i think he thinks a drink of t or coffeee mends everything, he was proper mad and he must have been so loud cause my neibour said she heard him shouting at me. i really cannot get my head round them but as some of you have said maybe i should let it go over my head, i have relised and said to him today that if anyone asks me to go out im going, i also said not my fault he billy no mates lol! that bad thing to say eh,

if somone loves you and wraps their life around you surley they should trreat you better especialy when we have this (lets be honest) life threaterning disease,!!! welll i had my rant now i feel a bit better, i have said today to everyone i am staying in bed after treatment on tuesday no matter what they say or who comes and if they wont feed this big baby budgie i will do my own and then waddle back to bed, will let u no if this works, not building any hopes up though,…lol,

love and hugs to you all

lv tilliexxxxx

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If you want to convince them to look after you instead of expecting work out of you, you have to stick to your guns. If you don’t, you have to accept the consequences. My mother taught me that people don’t do things unless they get some satisfaction out of them, however perverse it might appear. Maybe you have enjoyed feeling needed by this bunch of lazy so and sos. That’s why it’s difficult for you to give up pandering to them.

You may have deskilled them. The idea that your husband loves you and has wrapped his life round yours can be looked at differently - he’s dependent on you nurturing him. Blow that, what’s wrong with him learning to fend for himself. You may have to let him rant and rave and develop cloth ears, that is if you really want him to change and for your life to change. Dry those tears and get some earplugs.

If you do the same old things, you will get the same old things

Mole

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I have had BC twice and on each occasion when I came out of hospital the family assumed that was that - the cancer was out and Mum was back to normal. I have learned to live with this by doing lots of things for myself. I think some people are just frightened to talk about it and others don’t know what to say. You certainly know your friends and they are not always your family! Keep smiling and keep looking after yourself.

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thank you mollenium and olivia07, mo your comments made sense maybe i hav been too soft and a need to be wanted, but i have stayed in bed since tuesday treatment, jus got up to talk to you all, i have had brekie,dinner an t in bed for past two days and i havnt done anything for any of them, so gonna take your advice and try to do the things i want not what they want from me,
it gonna be hard cause i always done it, but onwards an upwards cause if i dont change it they wont will they,

soz to hear you have had bc twice hun i dont know how youve coped, but like you say they think cause you on your feet u ok, and i totaly agree that the ones that care are not always the family and the ones you think care, go to somthing to cheer u up on another thread i have written a poem for us all.xx

lv n hugs tilliexxxxxx